A Study In Existentiality

ANGER - RESTLESS - Indifferent

2011-12-11T16:21:00.001Z

Im feeling quite miserable today, it might be the weather, or it might be that i haven't really gone out at all , well did for a smoke but not too sure if id count that. The frustration is actually pent up frustration from the time i had last posted , i thought id sort out life a bit but i just seem to get tangled in it more and more.

Well im just gonna crib and rant here so leave if you want to

1) im frustrated at having to listen to stupidity for the sake of the source its coming from
2) im frustrated of having to think before spending any cash , and more so at myself for not thinking anything before i spend.
3) im tired of living someone else's life in someone else's house on someone else's terms.
4) im sad about not being in love, im sadder about not believing in it.
5)im tired of not having control over that tv remote
6) im sad about the loss of my ability to enjoy drunken night out without going on a guilt trip the next day
7)im tired of having to think how life will turn out
8)Im tired of feeling aimless
9) im tired of that pestering feeling that i need an aim.
10) im tired of being scared and im tired of being brave
11) im tired of hope and im tired of failure again and again
12) im sad about my inability to take life light and im tired of my unability to take it seriously
13)im tired of running away from responsibility and yet not being able to cut the ties that tie me to them
14) im sad about my giddy indecision , being blown in every direction with each thrust of reason or opportunity
15)im tired of this post

The author is re- assessing life's progress please wait

2011-12-04T03:21:00.001Z

Hi fellows this is just to let you know that im alive and doing good, sorry for the silence for the past two weeks or so, i know i haven't really lived up-to my promise of a weekly post and even this post can barely be counted.

My excuse this time is that life's a bit tumultuous, actually its monotonous, its just that my souls a bit jaded and confused as usual, but the good news seems to be that its trying to fight its way out of lethargy and fucktardism. Yeah thats a word i just create ill probably go more in detail about that some other time.

Basically my systems trying to map my progress and self worth at present,and trying to establish some sort of a strategy to get me moving. Well or maybe im just trying to install all the upgrades that were pending. So in the words of the great womaniser and even greater politician and actor - ILL BE BACK - after re-assessign life.

Random - GOD and all

2011-11-07T02:38:00.000Z

Its not like i don't believe in god or something its just that i don't feel a need to proclaim it after every two seconds. Well at times i doubt even whether i believe in him, but yes there is something deep inside something that reverts back to this basic entity. This entity who you can have a conversation with at times, whom you can get pissed at and maybe even curse when things go wrong, and probably then pray to for things to be better and finally whom you can thank once things work out. Its good to believe not necessary but yet quite comforting for those who choose to take their solace in it.

Whats really surprising is how there are some places that you can associate with this supreme entity , or your own creation. People in India very strongly believe in placing their gods in temples and tying themselves to these places of worship. For me probably the easiest way to communicate with him is by going on long walks , thats probably because i don't really believe in conventional god, or maybe i do. But basically what i mean to say is i quite like the idea of having these random conversations with him or maybe a part of myself while im on a walk. Though thats not the only place where i have found God , at various periods in my life i have found my god in some conventional places of worship.

There was the Krishna temple in Manipal, it use to be peaceful, thats the only thing i can remember of it, i had my own little ritual that i use to do, Would i have gone there on my own probably not , i was influenced to go there but in the end i do believe that a bit of my god did reside there. It was amazing.

Then there was Tirupati , i mean that idol itself has some magic, of course all the other rituals associated with gaining entry to it is amazingly anal, but yes i think once you reach that idol its all worth it . But honestly i don't see my god there, i can if i want to but i don't think id want it.

There is this nice small temple at home too , its a nice tempe with open spaces, loads of monkeys , i use to go there quite frequently with my parents when i was young, though again i haven't visited it of my own free will for ages. But yes i could see my god there.

There was a church in Hyderabad , this really nice church , the sermons and hyms were tedious at times but the church was really nice , it was again a place where i could find my god quite easily.

That was a really random post, just thought of it while i read someones profile, its surprising how many people need to proclaim there faith in god in random conversations, in profiles of all things they do , i really don't get it, but i guess today was my day to do the same to you .

Confessions - write maybe i could but rhyme i definitely cant

2011-11-04T01:59:00.000Z

Its kind of strange how life takes you on weird journeys through nooks and crannies through wanted and unwanted experiences, and yet there is some sort of a lesson involved , some sort of a take back from it all. Sadly enough for me i cant quite remember to save my life what it is that i should have learnt so far.

But anyways this post is not about learnings from life or the lack of it, i was walking to work this morning, i now work for a video production company, or rather we pretend to be one when there is work , other times we are almost anything and everything and mostly absolutely worthless and useless though never without conversation . Hopefully we will get some work in soon , cause otherwise there is no money coming in and ill have to pack my bags and leave and live off my dad, as if i wasn't at present. Im scared at some level to take that step because of its finality , thats my last excuse, my last hope , ill go back to india and get a good job, but what if ?

Well lets skip this too because its not the future that i want to talk about either, not this one maybe an alternate future, maybe just a dream, or maybe just a crazy short lived infatuation , a distraction that i so often suffer from. So i was walking to work a good 20 minute walk on a cold winter morning and a thought struck me , what if i was to write an autobiography of my life so far , where would i begin it from, what could make it interesting , what if it wasn't exactly factual , what if it was , would it be an interesting read, will I be happy to explore those minute contours of my own thought, Im not even sure if it will be interesting enough. Anyways i started piecing it , sectioning it deciding what i will write immediately, i reached work really excited and then i got distracted be existentiality

I believe if written well even bull shit can be made palatable and sometimes even desirable. But then the thought that rises in my head is something that i have read in Ayn Rand The fountainhead , i cant quite remember the exact words , but basically they are made by the chief antagonist Elseworth Toohey and their essence is something like this , his aim is to promote complete crap in the name of art and creativity just so that people loose their judgement of what is good and what is bad. Where art looses its value itself because every shite thats hyped is considered good and talent is not ranked on its merit, well exactly what the x factor is to music today , or the idol shows running back home. And then he goes on to say that he's encouraging this dentist to write his autobiography even though he's had the dullest life ever and there is not even one iota of excitement or moments that could be interesting in his life. I fear i might be falling into that trap, but anyways im certain i want to write.

i have always wanted to be an author, well maybe not always, but i think i did want to be one , i wanted to do english literature after high school , somehow did my bachelors in occupational therapy, and then i just got distracted, till i wrote the book for stinks, it wasn't the best of books it wasn't the most interesting but it was special in its own way.I think if this blog wasnt there i wouldn't have considered this, and maybe its still an idea which will get nipped in its bud, but atleast im thinking of it. Initially i thought this blog could very well be that book , but then i wanna milk it for some money , just write one book but make some money of it, thats the initial dream or i could do a series and make a loot. Well i think i just got carried away with that that too far didn't i . But im an exhibitionist, well mabe an anonymous exhibitionist, i like it when people read this blog , i like it when someone leaves a comment , and id love to see how many people would actually pay money to read me.

But thats that so its out , too many things are being put into the open in recent times but i guess im learning to be a bit more open. I want to be a writer , i don't know if ill be a good one, i don't care if im not , but id like to give it a shot, hopefully i will be able to sustain this dream .

Hey by the way i wrote an intro for this website im working on for the company , its suppose to rhyme it doesn't always anyways here it is , do try to read it in rhyme.

A music video agency in Shoreditch
We love our tea and biscuits
We have grand ambition
In music video, graphics and motion

Music videos & photography is our passion
Pictures culture and fashion
We love to tell a story
With music rhythm and glory

Combining experience with innovation
We delve in artistic creation
Giving work which is in zeitgeist
Hell yeah we are not just good we are the best

Design, branding and picture
Got our juices in the mixture
We also do artist promotion
Let’s get those wheels in motion

Being creative is no crime
Our work is pure sublime
We shout with no hesitation
On budget, on time and beyond expectation

write maybe i could but rhyme i definitely cant (please do consider this was conceptualised over a cup of coffee in under 20 minutes)

ON VACATION

2011-10-28T12:41:00.000+01:00

The break in time and space, every few months and every Diwali for sure, thats been ever since i have been in the UK there is this sudden disturbance in existentially which for a period ranging from 2 - 5 days completely distorts my time and space orientation. For this period of time i go into a cocoon in convalesce for all the injustice and injuries suffered in day to day existence, surrounded by family and bound by no schedule life just flows by smooth as silk . Long walks around country roads and green pastures suddenly seems to be my prime vocation and of course watching a good dose of some absolutely crap hindi television. ( to be read as bigg Bosss).

Im on such a journey at present and will be back when my sense of time returns till that time its difficult to write.

Are you prepared for failure

2011-10-18T03:30:00.001+01:00

I write with courage borrowed from a strangers quill,
i write with ink thats of a colour alien to me
I raise a question which i might not be prepared to answer myself
Not for it being an unknown entity but rather because its something iv known to well.

Are you prepared for failure, is failure truly a stepping stone to success, or is this a prayer for the meek that every second hander kneels to or says his internal amen to. Well it is an interesting question and evidence shows that success, real success in terms of greatness has come to those that have failed at some point in time, be it Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein. But does failure have to be a part of ones legacy, a predisposing component of a successful gene. The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, well maybe its not.

Heres my opinion if it be of any value, i do not believe that failure is the key to success, nor is it preparedness for failure but rather it is the ability to accept failure, to learn its lesson and to move on. I cant really say , what make you accept failure, i cant even say say what prevents you from using the very statement as a shield against the world, or more importantly as a shield against your own consciousness. All i can say is that iv seen it done , if heard it preached though in texts from an age gone by

I don't mean that you sabotage your own plans to create failure just to prove that you are not afraid of failing, but i also say don't hide behind this bravado your half hearted attempts at success and mediocre aspirations. Be honest in your attempt and be true to your cause, but don't let failure be the last point of your journey. Dont let failure take control of your very actions, don't let fear of failure paralyse you into inactivity, aspirations get trimmed at the edges to fit within the box of your fears, let go of the fears and let the aspirations fly.

But this is all quite easily said but so difficult to follow, i know for i live in a world where failure is death. Its a war the heart against the mind, or maybe just the mind against the mind, rationality agains embedded value systems. Being an indian from a simple middle class family iv always lived in the belief of performance as being the ultimate goal. Competition , aspirations , achievement, seem to have been repeated so many times that they form a natural environment to be in. Its fairly easy for me to say that i am enlightened and that i move above it , but honestly every time i have claimed that i wasn't competing wasn't because i wasn't but rather because i wanted to lay the ground for failure. Iv never really had the courage to accept that .

So in conclusion I dont know how to be less afraid of failure , i know that there is a thin line between being able to accept failure and preparing for failure , and the latter is a sure shot trap for the self. But atleast im happy that i know where i stand , atleast im happy that i have accepted what i have and that i can see what i aspire to achieve from this someday. Till then let it be baby steps , let the risks be small till im prepared not for failure but rather for success.

lives we didnt live

2011-10-16T11:20:00.000+01:00

This is going to be a quick post and this is to lives that we keep on hold at times to accommodate for lives that we live. Its strange how much change an individual can undergo. The gambler throws his dice for the last time and lives a risk free life. The angry bullish teen of yesteryears who'd throw a fist at the drop of a hat now learns the calm of a monk . Well may be not that perfect the anger still exists somewhere hidden inside.

What I mean is that can one individual change so much for what ever reason it may be, I take pride in what i am and who i am , yet am i willing to change if its required of me.I might be wrong but I think it takes courage to be that man, i think its easier to stay true to your character, its easier to remain firm, but its really difficult to care enough for someone or something to make that change. It takes courage to walk on unfamiliar grounds, to leave routine responses and to be the man/ woman thats required.

I have met people who have made changes to their very being for moments of time , so altered they are that as friends you need to search for newer common grounds of comfort. But is it a permanent change or repression.Are there certain traits that just cant be changed, do we sometimes live a lie just so the the status quo is not altered and do we believe in that lie with enough conviction so as to fool even our conscious. Are certain ways of being etched in our systems from birth or maybe through our early learning which can just be repressed , or maybe forgotten for some moments of time,

Change for me has always been a forced entity , a response to survive or to run away from boredom, however i think i see patterns of progression and regression along this path of change , and then i wonder is it regression to instinctual ways of being or do i progress to them. And then it makes me further question what was the real me the one that existed in the moment before the change or the one thats post it because the changes themselves seem quite repetitive. So while i keep one life on hold to create another one i wonder which life is real,

Thats a sure mess isn't it , well think about it and if you have some answers do let me know

How a Russian taught me to be patient and FB bullied its way in

2011-10-01T02:59:00.000+01:00

Iv just been wondering over the past few days what life's turned out to be and what it was some years ago. No this is not going to be a post about reminiscence or glories of the past. As Ozzy says
"Don't tell me stories, cause yesterdays glories
have gone away, so far away"

Well so here goes life's been tough im working my ass off for below par wages. Though to be honest im happy , i see an opportunity and well its up to me how i make it or break it , at least i control it. And it does feel good to get those Neurons working again and i can almost feel the fat in my brain melt. I am not the only one facing this, in conversation with my Russian friend with really long pretty legs (whos broke like me) she in her thick Russian accent "Shash its good to see the bad times, its important to see the bad times , then only you value the good times." Me "fuck off id rather have the good times all the time and be indifferent" well maybe not not really how the conversation went. Im a really nice person unless you have just woken me up or have found me in a really bad mood , so i (plus this is a pretty girl) " yes completely , we will get over it and when you make that money you can take me out for dinner to a nice place." (MOOCHER well to be hones she bums ciggs from me and here thats like gold dust )

So here goes ozzy again
"Iv heard it said, theres a light up ahead
Lord i hope and pray , that im here to stay"

Just in case you thought i was desperate to stay here thats not it, what i meant through ozzy was that i stay in this world long enough to see that light , to see those good times.

Ok so thats that I was thinking of writing this post for a bit now , but then procrastination .......well ill probably write the rest later.

.... Just kidding ..........though messes me up more often than i like (for someone called procrastination its an active lil bugger ain't it ) . Well so anyway as i reclined down to type this in i was having an entirely different conversation with myself but some how i had this conversation somewhere in the convoluted recesses of my mind, and it just resurfaced .

So coming to the other thought i was just going through Face Book the lifeline of many , the very soul and blood of many a techie, socialite, teen, anyone. Its funny how people all of a sudden have so much to say , so much to share and that too with random acquaintances and some strangers too depending on how tightly you monitor your friends requests.

I mean random people sharing pictures, commenting on pictures, making statements giving opinions so on and so forth. I can understand that there could be a certain need and internal desire for attention (after all i do keep this blog open to public and quite enjoy getting a new hit) , or simply need a safety valve for emotions , like when ur happy or your angry or even excited about something. But giving out Gyaan in bite sized chewable pieces, where does that come from ,is that an inborn thing , do certain people have that one FB gene in them. I don't know , but i just want to understand.

Its also a generational thing iv seen people younger than me ( sadly that statement is becoming more relevant and is being used more often nowadays) adapting to it and adopting it much better. They can find things to say , i simply don't have much to say on FB unless its really something i appreciate or that moves me. I mean id still rather say a hi on IM or over the phone then on FB. Yes its convenient but its so damn open .

From a business point of view i completely understand the relevance of social media , its like showcasing your knowledge your skills your products and connecting with your community , i can so get that but on a personal level i think i just cant get why and how people have as much to say as they have. Anyway thats that on FB.

I know that was quite random but it was something that was just there

As i type this in its almost three , its time to hit the sac, so good bye , and have a great weekend. Ill try and post something in every week , its not a promise to you or myself but ill try .

Just for you heres the Lyrics of the first verse and chorus to the song , if you want more go get it yourself.

Standing on the crossroads, world spinning round and round
Know which way I'm going, you can't bring me down
Don't you try and teach me no original sin
I don't need your pity for the shape I'm in

I don't wanna change the world
I don't want the world to change me
I don't want to change the world
I don't want the world to change me

Nice isn't it

its not wrong its just different.

2011-09-25T19:09:00.001+01:00

Iv been meaning to write for the past two days , they have been moments of restlessness, not that anything has changed dramatically its just that sometimes my very being tends to go into these states of restless reflection , not just bout self but everything around me . Its not like judgements , or me forming a particular impression of a thing , event or emotion, its just that i like having a purely intellectual and well sometimes completely nonsensical debate and honestly it tends to leave me more confused and sometimes indifferent rather than clearer of thought .

Well so here is a cascade of how thoughts have flown. In office, teams expanding creatives are in a sense a feel of movement. If you are unaware im working with a startup , well lets call it that cos its actually reenergising of a startup in video production. So basically the thoughts are around the future , the pros and cons of work but they oscillate between figuring out what will work and what wont , where i am within it all . Its difficult because i am not completely in charge , its difficult because even if i was i wouldn't have been certain of what would work. So its almost like a constant battle of finding myself within the organisation , there are good days and bad, i think there has been a positive movement with the team though it feels so much better , its surprising how easily you can consider yourself to be moving just by getting a few people in, though in actuality you are quite uncertain as to how you would fuel that momentum. I have over a period of time doubted the values of my employers , im not in sync with some of them , but i can understand how it is and why its being done , its interesting its like being in a catch 22 , i don't think its wrong but its not something id agree with its just different.

Life's been good in the recent past, loads of socialising, not necessarily with friends , well some friends some acquaintances, some relatives and loads of strangers, i think the strangers and the acquaintances are the fun bit of it. Friends sometimes are too comfortable to be around. Well its funny how things change anyways i recently attended a party / BBQ with 5 couples and 4 babies and as said by Karan in a recent blog of hers pheromones were in the air , i came back well it could be because of that or maybe a beer hangover , but i came back restless. there was no attraction , or thought at the BBQ i was in the moment and was having great fun , but i came back so alone that its not funny. I ended up having to go for a walk just to sort myself out cos i couldn't be in a room with my family while my brain was buzzing , i couldn't be confined , it might not have been people i just dint want to be in a room. Its strange how your brain works i walked and i thought , was listening to me Ipod , and the songs that i have a conscious memory of , which changed my mood were in this sequence, Desperado - eagles followed by take it easy - Eagles and Nothing else matters - Metallica . Says loads about my playlist doesn't it , but somehow the songs were answers to some questions in my head. Again that feeling of loneliness , of claustrophobia wasn't right or wrong it probably has a place somewhere but it was different from how iv felt about it before.

Anyways that brings me to relations. In my office there are two blokes, UK born of african origin , its the way they talk they are both married , or were both have kids , one of them is separated and in a relationship with a woman 2/3 his age, the others status i am not sure of but is with one woman companion, its just the way they talk about their relationship it seems so temporary and on the move. I think thats a culture shock still , i mean no matter how progressive i may pretend to be , but internally the pedestal that i place relationships on is different, i mean yes there are one night stands, and there is love or the illusion of being in it , but i mean atleast for some bit you put an effort to make things work , you think of it as something that will last , but here the outlook is of seeing it as temporary right from the beginning . Its not like i haven't seen people getting divorces in India or moving on , or even cheating on their wives on the sly , but i haven't seen this thought process or this way of perceiving relationships. Again im not certain if it s wrong or right its just different.

Lucid dream

2011-09-20T02:40:00.000+01:00

Dark night , beauty resides within thy cloak
Dark night filled with sorrow and joy of a previous life
Breezed through on wings of reminiscence ,
No detours for me ill take on the entire road
Journeys through familiar terrain of light and shadows
A kaleidoscope, a burst of colours then hues of grey and white
Dancing shimmering light making patterns in the recesses of my mind
Some making sense others absolute mysteries.
But then everything doesn't need to be compartmentalised and stacked neatly in piles
Not yet at-least somethings are better when they are left scattered.

Constant heaves, of anguish and pleasure
Let me dive deeper, let me dwell in that moment for a while
I feel my breath , leaving me hollow, hollow for the light to fill in
The light from your scented breath, from the sunshine trapped in your hair
Stop time let me be , but then the notion of time itself is distorted here
I move on to friends and folks ,to live with them in the comfort of my skin
No pretence required , no masquerades to play
Comforts cosy , but then its difficult to stay
So I move on to my solitude , to my soul
Dear friend he tells me listen in once in a while and then my very being smiles

Unconscious yet more alive then I have ever been
I long for the milk of poppy ,for this endless dream
But then a thought in conception , a stroke in motion stopped
Caught in the glaring headlights of fate, a sudden push to reality's embrace
The dreams broken and and the panoramas fades into existence
Shattered and bruised and refreshed by my sleep
I wake longing for that lucid dream
And so I move on, living this life for the beauty that I know resides
In those leaps of faith and distortions of reality
In that unconscious loss of sense and sobriety

I dream a dream , in haze it exists but then in the end so does reality.

I know that somehow this post is incomplete, there are bits and pieces missing from it , verses, thoughts , ideas, but then thats all that I have to say for it at present, if someday the dream resurfaces the post might be completed .

Love

2011-09-19T02:44:00.004+01:00

Its kind of funny how we flow in and out of love, partners change and feelings flee. Sometimes even everlasting promises of faith and commitment are broken. But its not all doom and gloom some loves last some stay on . In the end i think theres no love its basically a compromise either ways there is always a compromise, but then compromise is not bad.

Right so why so much talk of love , well as iv mentioned before i was reading my blog over the years , i think the most exciting period was 2006 and probably late 2006 , thats the time when the posts were fiery , emotional and highly erratic. Yes it was the time that i was in love . Maybe it was the time that i lost faith in love but none the less. I think there are two pieces missing from there , i had tried posting them before but somehow lost heart and thought they were too personal to display, and they are but then i lost the pieces and had to retrieve them from an old mail inbox, i dont want to loose them again and so i put them up here. Also now they are not as personal as they were, i have bared my soul here before so here goes. The two pieces are the two sides of love that i have felt

The beginning - SURRENDER

Something deep inside stirred today or was it that things were moving, I realise I suppressed, the beauty of it all is in surrender and I do surrender.

I surrender to the way I feel to things I am scared of saying, fear of being broken, of being forgotten. It feels good to be in love, with not u but what you stand for. I feel a tingle and I look not at the way you work, but at you. So it is out.

I wish there was a simpler way of saying this but the simplest is that I do luv you. The passion has risen with every stroke of midnight. Sleepless nights entwined in your thought, the thoughts that I couldn’t bear, thoughts that I pushed away in sleepless surrender.

Thought of care of mystery, I read you out loud, what you face the world as; I read to you in whispers what you have meant to me. You are the joy id like in my life; you are the thinker that I would choose for advice. You give me courage when mine falls short. You amaze me even in thought. You are spontaneous you make me dream. You are purity imbibed in beauty. You make me what I want to be, and care for you I always will because you are the Woman.

You say what you want and you tell me ur dreams and all I do is listen for fear that I might displease you by sharing them with you. But the truth I have already shared them with you.

Well a new addition an uncensored version of thoughts that have come and have been suppressed:

So u want to know about yourself you are the mother and the child, you are the thinker and the fool though I don’t know the difference. You are the lover and the muse. You are you and no one can be you.

Immense clarity of thought when it comes to things you care for, Strength of a lioness poise of a queen, Face of a child, id seen in a dream. You are the Woman, what the woman stands for me, caring, beauty, mystery all rolled in one, where do I begin where do I end, you are the lover you are the friend.

I don’t really know whether this will reach you or will it remain as a cry in my soul resounding till its too late and then as a shout not heard.

The End - Sometimes a Man goes Crazy - Surrender 2

Sometimes a man goes crazy, and it’s all by his own will that’s exactly what’s happening to me, I guess this could be a great beginning to a good love story, but the sad part is that some love stories end up becoming tragedies. Is mine one I still am not ready to believe. But if I was a man to go by probabilities and mathematical calculations then I have to say that the odds are really heavily stacked against me.

Well isn’t that a certainty. It takes courage to write this down to even think it, well I still hang onto the little strings of hope that exist and the memories, oh the beautiful memories of that face, of that touch of that caress of that kiss.

A new beginning is always an end, what if there are some leftovers which continue from the past to haunt you, things that keep you alive and yet kill you every second. I open up like this very rarely but right now I am split wide open to the hounds that feed on me to all and I really don’t care.

Life goes on they say and I agree but then it doesn’t necessarily mean that it goes the way you wanted it, well does it even go the way that god wanted it I wonder at times. And then I question whose god mine or yours, and I say not ours. Well life might go on but do I, Question Mark?????????

Its strange isn’t it that one stops just as soon as he’s ran passed the ledge and the falls begin , why did it have to happen like that. The realisation coming in after the emotions, are already set into motion, the inertia broken and momentum increasing with each passing second. Full stop, well it’s kind of sad that I had accepted the things that were, and the most difficult was to accept the facts that you didn’t say. Your monsters which now haunt me they are the ones which broke me not the world, I had never given them the permission to hurt me , that’s what causes the pain and nothing else. I want to face all that I can because there is nothing else left which can be as painful as the moment that everlasting moment. The everlasting night has turned into a nightmare and I cant even scream for my scream may wake you up. Irony of it all.

Every movement that I take towards you stops before it begins convulsed motion nipped at the bud with superhuman effort. Shouts of pain of possession muffled till they remain within me, was this not what I was scared of and now it has become a reality hasn’t it. I surrendered to you and I surrender to u once again. I surrender my soul and now you own it you do. But you will never know that would you.

Right i don't feel any of this anymore i do remember feeling them, i can almost feel the breadth of air and the squeeze but not quite , but i like coming back to this once in a while just to know that i felt it once and maybe that i will feel it again but then im not sure if i still believe, if i still believe in love

My mirror image, my illusions , my space

2011-09-18T21:39:00.000+01:00

Its 4 am and im still here. as i returned to the blogosphere my purpose was to read someones impressions , and while i read they made me think of how i wrote a few years ago, when life was fresh and each experience was an adventure. It made me think of the changes in my own blog, in my own style of writing over the past few years. the conclusion is simple iv probably deteriorated over the past five years , its been all downhill for quite some time, there are pieces which i still like in the midst, pieces which shine out in my mind as drops of rain on parched soil , or maybe glimmers of intelligence in otherwise quite a dull mind.

So as i read from this secret closet of mine , all the posts that i enjoyed reading were mostly about friends and love, either found or lost, and maybe a few selfish moments of self reflection . Those were written when i was either anguished or ecstatic those were written when my soul and i mean my soul, the very insides of me were moved. And probably that is the way to write isnt it . I mean every moment of your life is not really perceived, its just lived and gone through sometimes not even registering itself to our conscious mind and yet there are these other moments when life stands out and makes you listen. I like recording those moments in time .

It s not that those moments haven't come in the recent past , they have come and gone and they have urged to me to record them, to shut them in this little shoebox of mine but somehow i had lost faith in this space itself. Ill give you my reason for that , its just that i didnt enjoy reading what i wrote , and well also because each moment captured here looses context as i move on, they somehow seem alien.

But i think yesterday was a different read altogether as i read i was amazed at my own resilience and actually stupefied by my memory or rather the lack of it, i did not feel what i felt while i wrote something , but then it made me aware of what i had felt and then I realised my blogs not just a collection of events but rather a compilation of feelings , of seasons of love and lust, of loneliness of anger, happiness, autism and sobriety. And as i journeyed through each road , that now laid forgotten in the past, it just made me realise the value of what i had .

Yes i am self obsessed , yes i am a social voyeur , but then thats what i am and thats what i want to remain . this blog is to me and for me , so in case i forget and get lost in the jungles of my mind let this be the place i come back to to find myself yet once again. And may the people that i write about here find bits of them here too, when they want to. Their mirror image their illusions as i find mine

The song answers tag post

2011-05-18T02:29:00.003+01:00

This is one of the best Tag posts done for ages now , it somehow is freakishly accurate at times and well can be a complete load of crap at others but none the less its a good way to spend some quality time. Iv got this from Anoops Blog i think it was done about 3 years back and iv been meaning to do this for ages but somehow just got down to it anyways here goes.

Ask these questions aloud, set your Winamp on shuffle (with all your mp3s), and record the answers + any comments.

Will I get far in life?
Song: Aaj Din Chadheyaa
Artist: Love Aaj kal
Comment: Well thats interesting , could be that its a new beginning, or maybe that its suppose to be left to god in a way cos hes gonna do it all, well the songs actually asking for love isnt it, but i think its still bright .

How do my friends see me?
Song: Love will keep us alive
Artist: The Eagles
Comment: so be it , but i must have some seriously loyal friends

Where will I get married?
Song: Enter Sandman
Artist: Metallica
Comment: whoa......its gonna be the night i stay awake and wait for the sandman , or does that mean that ill be asleep when i get married . Aah ill get married in never never land

What is my best friend's theme song?
Song: Be still my beating heart
Artist: Sting
Comment: Which friend is this i wonder , i have too many who fit this song

What is the story of my life?
Song: She's always a woman
Artist: Billy Joel
Comment: that is the story of my life isn't it, "shell carelessly cut you and laugh while you are bleeding" that doesn't sound very promising, the silver lining shes always a woman to me.

What is/was high school like?
Song: Ehsaas
Artist: Atif Aslam
Comment: ??? I would say it was boring academic days , careless and free, never was in the search for the truth, but yaa if the song says that so be it

How can I get ahead in life?
Song: Nothing else matters
Artist: Metallica
Comment: Trust in who you are and nothing else matters, life is ours we live it our way, so thats bout it just live be open minded, dont care for anything , and be myself, thats pretty decent advice

What is the best thing about me?
Song: Away from the sun
Artist: Three doors down
Comment: Cant quite make sense of that

How is today going to be?
Song: Jaded
Artist: Aerosmith
Comment: jaded, xrated, blue, ecstacy , its complicated.

What is in store for this weekend?
Song: Fast Car
Artist: Tracy Chapman
Comment: yeah im going for a ride in a fast car

What song describes my parents?
Song: Where i go
Artist: Natalie Merchant
Comment: i go to them to sooth my mind , watch the river flow ease my mind , mamas boy well daddys too i guess. Though considering i find it difficult to discuss much with them these days i wonder

...my grandparents?
Song: Baatein Hawaa
Artist: Cheeni kum
Comment: They are all dead...have no clue really

How is my life going?
Song: Tiger Rag
Artist: Louis Armstrong
Comment: Fast paced, synchronised, fusion of instruments being played at an amazing tempo , doesn't seem like no tiger rag right now , i guess im on my way to catch that tiger

What song will they play at my funeral?
Song: Behti `hawa sa that woh
Artist: 3 Idiots
Comment: Must say thats quite an appropriate song for a funeral, though thats not really me is it. Well maybe a future me then. Im quite linking this game

How does the world see me?
Song: Reason to believe
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: I am your reason to believe aint I -- hahaha

Will I have a happy life?
Song: Reach up for the sunrise
Artist: Duran Duran
Comment: I guess thats a yes. Lets reach up for the sunrise, and lets bring the music into our lives.

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: Give me some sunshine
Artist: 3 idiots
Comment: am i their sunshine or am i the huge celestial body which blocks their sunshine, lol

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: Cats in the Cradle
Artist: Ugly kid joe
Comment: does that mean that either im too busy for their lust or they too busy for mine

How can I make myself happy?
Song: Main kya hoon
Artist: Love aaj kal
Comment: just going by the title does it mean i just need to explore what i am,

What should I do with my life?
Song: And the Angels swing
Artist: Stan Getz
Comment: Well i guess it just means flow with it , let the angels swing, no lyrics just some good jazz

Will I ever have children?
Song: Broken
Artist: Seether and Amy Lee
Comment: i guess thats probably a no , or maybe they are cracked children

What is some good advice?
Song: Have i told you lately
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: well thats good advice

What is my signature dancing song?
Song: Handbags and Gladrags
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: thats a bit difficult to dance to

What do I think my current theme song is?
Song: Door na Jaa
Artist: Jannat
Comment: naaaaah don't think so

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Song: Sunday Morning
Artist: Maroon 5
Comment: well i don't think this is quite right either, nice song though

What do I really want from life?
Song: Ordinary World
Artist: Duran Duran
Comment: But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive.

What should I do to help others?
Song: Hanuman Chailisa
Artist: does it matter
Comment: I had no clue i had this, strange , never listened to it before , well moral of the story pray for the world to the great monkey god

What should I do to help myself?
Song: bhavra bhavra aaya re (Fataak)
Artist: Kaminey
Comment: wear a condom, thats it thats all that you have for me

What should I do to succeed in life?
Song: The first cut is the deepest
Artist: Cat Stevens
Comment: hmmm interesting. Try to love again , love and success seem to be companions here

What is my one most important goal in life?
Song: Find the river
Artist: REM
Comment: Damn if that was it i could just go to the thames

What do I get the most pleasure from?
Song: Try not to breathe
Artist: REM
Comment: right time to get some sleep

Whos got the time

2010-11-16T01:56:00.004Z

Its kind of strange that at times a completely unemployed individual, sitting at home can find himself not having enough time to carry out three simple tasks that hes planned for the day.

The plan was simple apply to RBS which considering that i just had to answer 3 simple questions regarding why i was a fit and why RBS was a fit for me which was not to expand beyond 750 words and then to upload my docs including a cover letter which needed to be customized seemed like not that big a task.The second task for the day was even simpler to just take a print out of the damn PSW application and lastly to write one single mail requesting for a copy of my Award letter and yet here it is the end of the day in fact 2 hours into the next day and still I have a Cover letter to customize and i have just finished writing the damn letter to the school.

Now you may ask what the hells wrong with me and the reply is simple nothing its just that im distracted by this little bundle of joy that i get to babysit at nights and to hold in the days while he sleeps for durations not extending beyond 4 hours. And when its not this its time to entertain the little critter by making an absolute fool of myself. Yes its ARIHAANT my little nephew. The wee kid is just 8 weeks old and i think hes already the centre of my life. Its kind of a strange how things change over an years time or for that matter of fact even over 8 weeks time.

When i had come to the Uk he wasn't even conceived, did not exist , and yet one year down the line here he is. In actuality even when my sis was pregnant i think it never dawned on me , the reality of having a child in the house. I know at first it was just an increase in girth and then later on just this sudden regime of having food on time eating your 5s a day and stuff, then it became little inconveniences for my sis like having to pee in the middle of the night and not having alcohol , i was not affected by it atleast not that much , yes i had to shop more carefully for groceries and be more precise as to the timing of my return to home, and whether i should have my sis wait for diner , which we figured out after some time that she couldn't really wait when she was hungry she was and may god help you if you came between her and her plate. Then there were the new baby things in the house like moses basket and the wee tub and the clothes. and the final stone was the arrival of grandma Sood , my mom .

But to tell you the truth i think nothing could have prepared me for it all. I mean even when my sis went into labor and was in the hospital and while my mom and her husband waited in the hospital i was chilled out at home , looking forward to the freedom of smoking cigarettes without making excuses to go out.

Well i think things changed when he came home ,Though its not like they say in the movies and stuff its not like the first time i saw him i fell in love with him , yes he was cute and yes initially its the helplessness of any child which really appeals to one. However its that every day is exciting and enriching with him , every day is special and new . I think i fell in love with him over time over these experiences, the first time i stayed up a night to feed him, the first time i rocked him to sleep or rather cajoled him to it , it was the firs time i made him squeal in joy over something i did and the list continues and as the experiences change i dote over him even more.
One can look at a child forever , hold a child forever , its just one of those things time seems to be travelling at break neck speed, and the baby grows so fast. And yet every second that you are awake you want to spend with the baby, not only when hes awake but also when hes asleep. Even now he sleeps peacefully in his basket by my sight cooing away in the middle just to let me know hes there.

Right as if on cue, need to drop this post now the baby's awake and demands feeding , and believe you me you dont want to get between my baby and his bottle either, i guess like mother like son

Fear

2010-11-10T01:01:00.001Z

iving is a bit like being in a washing machine , you get tumbled around and spun and squeezed , you meet others who are going through the same thing , you are enhanced by the experience at times others leave impressions on you and in the end you are hung out to dry . and then the cycle begins yet once again

I guess this is a perception which might differ and it may indeed be different for different people , but I feel that as we grow older we fear more and we fear deeply with like more passion and belief.

I guess when we are children the fears are mostly irrational , i mean its about the darkness or about ghosts inanimate objects or minor obstacles things like that , but as we grow older i think the fears are more real and plausible, fear of failure, loneliness, helplessness, rejection. I mean what are the chances that the monsters under ones bed would actually devour him but its quite likely that you could get fired, could get old and could die.

Another reason i feel fears seem so real and claustrophobic as we grow up is that we at the same time also experience the passage the time, the burden of expectations increases be it from oneself or from the society. I mean who gives a shite when ones a child. But as you grow up its important to have that self worth of what ones achieved. That feeling of having conquered having lived and this just increases the fear.

And the fear makes one paralyzed , limited n movement, constricted and contoured by the limitations of ones own fear, and then even one step outside the context created is fear itself.

Well thats my perception of it , to what degree i live by this is debatable, but i know that i am affected by it , the fear of mediocrity, the fear of not living up the fear of failure and rejection.

Though if you take it a step deeper these fears no matter how real they appear are actually just constructs of society and self and can be actually self triggered and similarly monitored and controlled. To learn how to do that would be the ultimate learning in life. To learn how to respond and be unaffected by the fear of something. Everyday we function within it .

For intellectual discussion lets try and deconstruct one of my fears lets say the fear of mediocrity , is mediocrity not a relative term , and for that matter of fact how could one define it. Is happiness and mediocrity linked in reality. Is mediocrity not in my control , i mean would mediocrity be living a life of normalcy , working marrying ,bearing children , taking loans , building a small house earning a relatively average or maybe even below average wage, would that kill or destroy me . Or would it be the notion of me thinking that im mediocre. It could very well be that mediocrity suits me and i am happier living that life. How can one say without actually experiencing it. Is going to a brothel a bad experience, or is it just an experience which is tainted by whats constructed around it . Are values definitive. Should values be altered. is life about experiencing it or fearing every step and being unhappy .

When one thinks of it in this manner how bad can it get , the fear itself dies not seem to be a fear and one can actually even find humor in it , but then for me some days are good and some bad , some days im scared and others im brave. Id like to be brave more often , but i had never really thought bout it in recent days i have and the answers seem simple and worth experimenting with .

So to life then

Easter

2010-04-07T01:49:00.003+01:00

Hello fellows , im back again , its been a torrid time for a bit , had exams and then after that had to submit a proposal god knows whats gonna happen , its dawning on me a feeling of walls closing in as we approach the end of the course its getting more and more hectic and as usual most of my plans are as concrete as the ice cream kept out of the freezer during a summers day in hyderabad.

Well enough of that thats something which is happening paralelly , in another universe in another time zone iv had a heck of a relaxed week at my cousins place, there is something there which is so inviting , so enticing , the kids are just beautiful, my nephews 18 , 15 and 9 i guess , im not to sure about there ages but they are brilliant there is so much to learn from them, thats its not funny , they combine the conventional with the modern so well and so much in balance thats its just amazing to see them , to talk to them , and i realize how things have changed. If i was given a turn back in time id like to be more like them.

Well from that atmosphere of being back in india almost to back in scotland i leave in another 4 odd hours for the highlands, its going to be hectic , but i think its also gonna be beautifull, i hope we are not trying to be too touristy there , cos that would be slightly terrible lets see.

Anyways thats bout it for now.

Cheers

Exhausted

2010-03-12T00:54:00.002Z

Its 1 AM , the moons out and its a beautiful cold night , I crave a cigarette but its too bloody cold to stand outside though i know it will pull me , pull me before it kisses me goodnight and i fall into that peaceful slumber that will at some time be shattered by a dream, which sadly enough would be forgotten by tomorrow.

Im exhausted , the assignment which is due in tomorrow is ready but the presentation needs to be done , its taken its toll , my body hurts and my eyelids feel as heavy as garage doors. Its been two continuous days that i have left the house at eight thirty and returned at 11 just barely dragging my feet in. Its been two continuous days that i have felt guilty for not being able to go out and buy fruit for my pregnant sister and for making her eat her dinner alone.

I know that tomorrow my presentation wont be the best and that there is a weak link presenting for us , but then i have also learnt that its not all about marks and sometimes its more fulfilling to see someone try to improve oneself then too see the marks. So by choice i choose to see it through .

I have struggled through these two days knowing that they are looking up at me , not in admiration but in distress, or maybe thats just something that i have set in . Anyways I also know that tomorrow will be another in a series of long days , with another assignment due and then exams following in another 10 days.

I can see the shattering hours ahead of me but then I wonder whats in it all thats making me smile , thats making me take pleasure in the aches that i have , in cherishing these laurels and that makes me feel that i will ride this through .

Ans so i smile and now ill go and take my drag , cos my eyelids might be heavy but the heart feels light and maybe thats all that counts.

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen

Letter to a friend

2010-03-08T00:35:00.004Z

Its been ages since I have visited this space and I must say it does feel like coming back home. There are bits here which have now passed and gone into the subconscious which surface for a fresh breath of air , and exist as real as the illusion that we live in just for a brief moment , a moment long enough to bring a smile on my face or a pang in my heart long enough to make me live it, to be grateful.

There are friends who have been left behind almost strangers now , some have been married , some will be in the near future and others that I have lost touch with. Iwonder how they are. I wonder how a new conversation would be , i wonder if there ever will be a conversation , would it be the way it was before , or would there be the hesitation that one has on meeting strangers the lack of common ground. That awkward moment of silence, I wonder.

This is to you that i write dear friend , the company that I crave , the support the informality the comfort, the mischief and the laughterI miss it madly , I might not say it I might not show it but i do miss it , and i guess i always will , I think of you when theres space enough to live , when the present is not cramping you into a mechanical existence , those moments of life is when i think of you and i guess thats what makes it living. Thank you for making my past rich enough to compel my visits .

I read from corners and scripts of past of present , I try to suck in all information that i have of u , unsatiated , i retire to the den to digest the lack of it. And then I live on

I have been good, new friends have come my way but somehow they will never match up , I don't think anything will , the you is you and there always will be a void , which can only be filled by you.

Life's changed quite a bit hasn't it , for me I seem to be going in circles , the wolf does rise again in me , surfaces on drunken nights and lonely moons, I have missed him for a bit , but its difficult living with him too. It scares me at times and its joyful at others to see him indulge in revelry that i permit me not. The guilt is like a bad hangover which now lasts longer that it used to .

I have had weird dreams here , dreams of lunacy , dreams that i wanted to continue and yet wanted to escape. It was so terrifying and yet so clear, for a moment i did want it , i did think it was no different from reality , I spoke something and no one made any sense of it , it was like this great secret that I was telling to the world like the answer to life and the world could not understand me , and i couldn't understand what the world was saying back to me and then i didn't remember what the answer was. Anyways thats a bit watered now I so wish i had written it the morning i had it.

I have performed here too , and that strangely puts the pressure back on me. And i wonder at times whether anonymous mediocrity would be a better choice then performance related expectations and adoration. They build me up without asking my permission , or taking my consent and then they will burn me one day because i will differ from what they are building, a constant fear i live in failure.

And as usual to remain in style an abrupt end- Good night for now as its getting late and theres class tomorrow, by the way did i tell you its weird being a student when you are almost thirty.

So i sleep tonight and maybe I will dream some more to write again

let the punches roll

2009-05-25T19:38:00.003+01:00

Well I just thought would sit up and write something though what it is that I'm gonna type bout i have no idea. Iv kinda been happy for two days in a row, why no clue again , talked to a few friends felt like meeting up with people , felt once again that I had a life and needed to quit smoking. These are strange little signs of life coming back into you , when you want to start living it usually a good sign , the sign before life sprouts back and you rule for a bit till something else kills you .

I think life is like a video game , sometimes you just die , and sometimes you just get bored with it , but then you can always press continue and you'd for sure come back to play again , because its endless, and curiosity will get you by the end of it.

I had this new awakening again too , its something which I could not put very well in words i guess , but lets try here. Every man / woman at sometime is a looser in life , these are the days when you are down and vulnerable , you get attracted to all the wrong ( so called) things, wrong women , The wrong drink / drug/ elixir, the wrong life. But the funny think about all of this is that the more you drink out of this cup , the more thirsty you get. Its never ending. Its like a man in a desert taking a mirage for an oasis , and drinking water out of it and in the end the thirst never quenches , but only increases as the man puts sand in his mouth. Until the man awakens from his stupor , which he may or may not , and looks for the real thing. I think I have been this man for quite sometime , how I'm different now , I have no clue but i see the sand for now , in this lucid interlude. I have this very clear vision of a man with a mouth filled with sand , the smile on his face and the anguish in his eyes , at moments like this i wish i could sketch , cos its things like this that demand to be remembered , to be put down on paper for others to see themselves in it and for them to move on.

OK so now that the soul searching s over ( big lie its always a continuous process isn't it , even in those two seconds of peace) well so its time for action i guess , have kindled some desires in the last few days , have seen some new visions, till the day comes lets just keep mum cause after all keren says sharing to much information with too many people can be bad for you , and neeti says change is good. and well Pinkie simply says some random things which you sometimes need to decipher. So ill just simply say let the punches roll baby I'm ready .

The Idea of an Idea being stolen.

2008-11-20T12:56:00.000Z

I have been fairly unhappy sitting here for the past two - three days, I dont really thik its the work , or the idea of the work im doing but rather under whom im doing it. I thnk this is something very particular about me that i tend to form impressions and no matter how hard i try to erase them they just seem to haunt me.

Well its ok if an imbessile works under you but , when hes your boss its an entirely different equation , things probably that i still need to work on to acheive greatness.

Well it was fine till the day an idea struck me the idea that generated another like it , till the whole mechanical cogs in my brain were working full time to device a stratergy to reach out to the corporates and to increase business from it . Well some ideas are similar in nature however its the delivery which counts for them. and I came out with a very good way to probably deliver this, however in its representation to the super boss i suddenly realised that my name from it had been very conveniently disected from the idea. And while this idea was being delivered i was present in the same bloody room .

Abnd now i wonder which one is worse the Idea of Generating that Idea and that idea being stolen and being diassociated from me, or the idea of not coming up with any more ideas for fear of them being hijacked midway. Becase in the past two weeks i have faced immense dissatisfaction with even the idea of working under someone who dose this. But then another truth is that i have heard of corporate stories much worse , i have faught these deamons before , I know the valuer I bring and the rest of the self gayaan. But my communication with the boss for certain is not happening anymore , and well i am not generating ideas, augumenting them nor really doing any realtime work , and i wonder.

Anyways till this clears im really confused.

Training young Minds

2008-11-13T17:59:00.003Z

The rooms filled with chairs about sixty of them , the class is being held in the basement of an old Hospital , the rooms got nothing else but the sixty chairs, one table a computer infested with viruses and a Projector , projecting vauge presentations on the wall.

The Coridoor outside the classroom is filled with 20 somethings , coming from various walks of life, as far away as the northeast and delhi, confused , yet ambitious. There is a buzz in the air, while i sip my cup of cofee with the Principal , discussing curicculum and my almost horrifically scandalizing views on Modern day teaching.

Theres no bell which rings , im saddned by the affairs for these students , I have seen them come to my Hospital for internships, Knowledge absolutely negligeble and believe me we only take their cream. And I wonder what we are coming to when we just kep on filling these seats year after year boasting our laurells on individual competencies. I remember my classes on marketing when i was astudent, and i realise that i dont remember anything except for a nurse feeding your baby being Customer Delight, was i any better off? No wonder i find it conforting to know that one of the tachers here with a very horribly south indian accent is an old friend of the teacher with the horible southindian accent who taught me.
Anyways so class begins and I walk in and i hear hushes and everybody moving in, i stand there while people get comfortable and i wonder my first bloody class. Im not nervous really I have prepared wel, agreed not formal education as such but experience has taught me enough to give this lecture. Actualy I have met this class before on their institutional visit to the Hospital , atleast most of hem and i know that i have scandalized them with my agressive and slightly honest presentation. But the class begins highly structured , the examples are great and by he time the class finishes i realise that i have been out ther speaking for just over thre hours. Man thats long , but i realy didnt know how it passed. I come out excited , ignited as i see that i might have igbnited a few thiughts , I am basically substituting for my boss who was supose to take these classes. i take two of them , and i know this is addictive. But before i can go ahead and make a commitment in terms of my time to the management ( who ofcourse are dying to see someone from the corporate world actually teaching there students). Anyway its simple for me i administer a feedback form , the answer would be given ony once i have had a feedback of the lasrt two classes. I come out with flying colors. collectively about 2-3% students think i suck , 60% think im average and meeting their expectations , 30% think im above average and 7-8 % think im god. I think i might change some of their opinions over a period of time.

And now im realy serious about it , not to the maters in the [resentation but to the activity which folows it i so badly wish i had 20 days with them , I would have made them players, sadly enough i gotta do this in bout 8 classs lets see how it goes, but man its a rush , and i think the management is rely excited to see someone from the industry teach in such an exciting and engaging manner . Im taking Stratergic Management next semester god help them .

Ps Im also thinking of writing to TISS to ask them if they could arrange for agressive three day sessions that i could take there, I wonder how that would work . Lets see , well if im going to Mumbai ill for sure take it uip atleast one class i think ill force myself through their gates , and i might be going to Mujmbai for a Marketing meet soon.

learn it Firo - B

2008-11-09T15:15:00.003Z

These have been good days , there seems to be some sort of order to life , for how long though that's not sure. The gyms there though not as regularly as id like it to be, but I'm not complaining. The works fine interesting workshop happened which of course now is over, but theres the teaching bit, and then the creatives, i guess i get a chance to be more creative about it now. And well homes not really biting.

Actually i think there might have been a slight change within myself, I realised that in the rush to finish the jobs pending , the MBA stuff and all of that , i had kinda stopped taking life on. I had become a mechanical being just going through the motions of life, guess it happens to most of us .

But then this workshop was quite interesting , not that it taught me something new it just made me understand why I was behaving the way I was behaving. But anyways we will not get into the details of it , but life seems sweeter than before, and my decisions seem more mature all of a sudden.
So here are some of the basics that i knew and seem to have forgotten , or these are the new behaviours that i have imbibed which don't seem to be helping me:
1) Trust , i think i have been let down a few times ( this is completely professional), and over these small breaks in trust , i have stopped believing in people , until i really am close to them , and maybe not even that , basically crux of the story independence jindabad, but the truth is that in reality , that might not be something i want , i want more in life but i am just not asking people for it, nor allowing them to give it to me..
2) Busy - in actuality i might not be as busy as i act , its just that i like my space quite a bit and so i tend to take cover of making myself busy all the time so that i don't rally have to communicate with every one all the time.
3) Time alone- i need doses of this and again in the middle of work , i completely have stopped spending quality time with myself, this could also be because i don't really want to think too much. Also because i do tend to take on more than i can handle at one time in my plate.
4) Control - I am not a control freak , as i usually believe , in actuality i seem to be pretty good with the control thing , except for the fact that i don't like taking orders from every one , but then that ain't that bad. Its again the lack of trust which makes me brash.
5) Affection - i am a slightly cold person , now but that's not the way i was nor the way that i have to be , i guess ill get there too. Basically i guess I'm modeled somewhere or rather have modeled myself as the basic tough guy who doesn't cry and doesn't need help and doesn't show emotions etc etc, I don't really think i began like this in college , but over a period of time , works made me become like this, or rather this is the way i have decided to deal with it. More importantly i actually like quite a few people quite a bit , and for some strange reason i just cant tell them that , i think appreciation is definitely something i have to build into my system.
Ok enough for now , or id rant for the rest of my life , lets see how it works , if i can forgive the world for the injustice i think it has done to me and more importantly if i can just cut a bit on the ego.

Just letting out

2008-11-04T12:59:00.000Z

Well sitting here once again , its an office day , its been a tiresome , tedious day. A day which begins and then just does not come to an end . It s been filled wityh strange works, a little bit of branding a lot of facilitation , a lot of talk and well thats bout it. I really feel some people in my office need to take lessons in cooperation or rather how to speak to others without sounding like its a bloody order, or probably i need to take a lesson on learning how not to read to much into innocent sentences.

It started in the bloody morning and i knew it would be a long day , and well cant really say that as the day comes to an end i have found repreive. its still the same - part two to come from home.

I'm Alive How U doin.

2008-10-19T21:12:00.001+01:00

This has been pending for quite some time now, but it just so happens that it wasn’t written till today. And now it’s being typed out at bloody1 in the morning. No I’m not drunk right now, and I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing up so late. But this was supposed to be posted today and wasn’t.
I’ve just had a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and it’s now that I realize how much of the action I have missed for so bloody long. It was a trip from Pinkie which jogged me into existence again, and to tell you the truth there was not much of a change in the working me till we left for Blore and then things shifted into a different gear.
I guess people would call me temperamental, and I would completely agree with every word that they say. It’s a bit difficult to come out of your skin, as long as you are in the same city where you work. The work always seems to be overpowering and the body usually a little low on fuel. But a different city, a new flavor can add real life to you.
So that’s how it was till Pinks was here in Hyd, it was a decent slow existence, work, party / drink , movie and a trip. The trip uneventful except for the fact that I got my first taste of toddy , a bit too sweet for my taste and to tell you the truth it kind of looks a bit like rice water , not my idea of an afternoon drink. But anyways the trip till Nagarjuna Sagar was cool , the breakfast interesting and the Tire Puncture even more interesting. Pinkie I feel has changed In these strange ways , that are indescribable , probably more mature or maybe that’s what she tries to be , but it doesn’t matter dose it cos she’s Pinks by the end of it.
Well I was as irratic as ever and I think I must thank her for bearing with me and my mood swings. I guess that’s the price I have paid for staying alone for so long. It also makes me wonder whether I can survive with someone sharing my space, one two days is enough but then I think I start biting.
Blore was completely crazy , I mean that’s the only city where I usually end up drinking at 11 am , and end up stopping drinking at 5:00 am and all of this thanks to Anoop .I also realize how slow I have become for it , not because it saps me of energy but it’s not the complete idea of a holiday for me anymore, there needs to be sleep , beautiful sites and books in it. There was a time when if you told me we were to drink and smoke up for a week , vacationing id take you up on it , but to tell u the truth I think I don’t have that kind of energy or rather interest anymore. But it was strangely refreshing to know that I can still last on that and well more importantly that I did it. 13 th floor was amazing, Casa Del sol was very nice though I kind of freaked and rushed in the end, but I think Infinitea still is the best of them all . I think I could just go to blore for that and for some bookshops they have at MG Road.
I think there was some sort of closure there in Blore , it was good being there , Appu was great and I guess cos pinks was there she gave us more time , It is strange to see Pinks in Blore , her life there is completely different from the life she lives , ore has lived before in Tiss , As for me I think I’m just a bit like a small town boy in a big city at times there , I don’t know anymore.
Ok so what’s happened ever since?

Works become busy, launching the Evening clinics, World Osteoporosis Day and so on and so forth.
Iv Joined a gym and am trying hard to stick to it ( Please also note Iv failed quite miserably at it , 3 out of 7 days id say pathetic, all that body pain and it needs to be started all over again)
My homes not that comfortable at least not as comfortable as the previous house, I think I need some time to get used to it , though at present I’m trying to figure out whether the house not being perfect is in actuality beneficial for me.
The questions about my future plans is looming over my head and I’m still clueless m, though I think ill try and do something just because I need a change
Marriage and the need for getting married is something that I’m actually now considering
The questions about existence and the whole purpose behind it are now stemming up again and again , and they are kind of inflicting themselves on me , and I still haven’t got a clue
The whole concept of relationships / Friendships / Family all seem to be something completely alien for some strange reason. I vacillate between the complete desire and the complete abhorrence of all of these
I think I’m going through a midlife crisis or something.

That feeling

2008-09-25T17:47:00.003+01:00

There are times when I feel that I am going insane , or rather that I have reached there. I dont really know if you guys have ever felt it , but I have many a time . This feeling which kreeps up on you as the day passes and probably takes over you completely when its bout 2:00 in the afternoon. A feeling that you dot belong, not in the work that you are presently doing, not amongst the people that you are with , not even the city that you are in , I guess not even in the world at times. Its so intense that it completely blocks out all other things , be it work , love or anything , you become restless , you just cant stand the place youare in or rather the life you are living. Not that you are clear about what you Want or how u are going to acheive it ,but you just know that whatever is happening around you is not right. I guess for me its more of an indifference , theres nothing outside me which is upsetting me but rather something which is inside. I cant even say that its upsetting , more of a distracter , a distortion , a stuckness, a challenge a problem. Its enlightning at times , and I really feel at those moments to run way and to sit on a mountain looking at the world below.

I woneder , the feelings a bit alien now.

Ill try and write the next time i get it .

To my Partner

2008-09-18T16:05:00.002+01:00

You realise that life is futile when someone dies, and when its someone close to you then you realise how far you have grown.
We were kids then , and he was at some level what we all wanted to be , at 6 feet 3 and he was massive , he was serious and he was successfull. I guess life must have been tough for him because it showed he had struggled, to keep a family togeather , to rise and to be happy. I think he was happy once , but we were children then , the house with the garden , were we used to play when i remember. And then we used to play some silly game of cards , which I dont evern remember but he was my partner. He would take us out sometimes fore a movie or to the market , buy us candy and popcorn, they were great times. And then there were times when we would go along with him on these business travells of his down to delhi , and hed feed us great amounts of sweets, and this or that famous food at old time famous places in the old streets delhi . But we were kids then.
My uncle was a great man, then grew old and his sons tried, but i dont really think they were successfull, and i think it caused him pain, they grew up and fought , wanted to split up, i think it gave him pain. His business plumetted , his son became an alcoholic, he worked as much as he could , but i think he was in pain. He was in so much pain by the end of it , but he was so brave , with a broken hip and a shuffle to his gait , but strong .

He was a lover , stuck to one woman for god knows how many years, i think she was really lucky. I dont even remember him complaining ever, but we were kids,. He used to joke with her , even took her on a trip to america, and that time america was really far, I wonder what she feels now, and i wonder what i should feel
I think he was proud of me in his own way , proud of my education , proud of the fact that i worked for a prestegious organization , and at times proud of my weight loss, but it was such that i didnt even think about him , ever , i had grown distant from him. It wasnt really that i have spent so much of time with him, its just been bits and peices during vacations and probably at the most maybe 10 days in a year. And today I was afraid when that phonecall came that it was my parents , something had happened and when i heard it was him there was some releif nad then this intense shock and pain. I had that conversation and then i worked for two solid hours , not once thinking about him, not once mourning , but rather smiling and joking.
And then there was numbness on the way back , there were things which needed to be done , i did thenm mechanically , I knew that i didnt really feel like vtalking to ppl I wanted to get back home , not to mourn but to start feeling it. I suddenly realise how far I am , how alone I am , I cant even mourn alone , I need someone to talk to , i need to tell this to someone and I cant because there is no one But i think i will miss him , I know i will, and i think going to that home and not finding him there is something which im dreading already and I dont know how ill tell him this now. I havent called him partner for so long I wish I could call him that once again.

Tomorrow will be another day and i will be living again the way i do , cold and numb but I need to have this moment to myself to feel as alone as i want to.

Downsized

2008-09-13T11:01:00.000+01:00

Actually this title comes from the fact that thats how im seeing the new blog page at blogger , its bare , I think its something to do with the setting of my computer or rather of the server providing me this internet connection .

Why Im writing now is another thing all togeather , im writing cos im restless , restless like a caged animal , not that i have any thing in particular to do , or rather the intentions to do the things thzat need to be done.

But lets talk bout something else , I think if I were in a dream right now and wanted or wished to do something it would be to walk in the company of a pretty woman on a montain road, secluded from the basic population. I have walked on this road before , the breeze is the coldest there and so bloody strong that the trees actually are flat topped , reminded me of the Mario Bros game at that time.

Right across the valley you see a mountain range covered with snow , it looks so beautifull, the air is fresh , the sun a bit harsh. But i guess in this dream it would be gentler. The roads winding , the times Dusk, the sky is red and the woman s fair with a delicate nose , big beautifull eyes with a smile which is heavenly.

Theres no talk required , we are walking togeather but unaware of the presence of each other, it feels so natural that there is nothing new about it except for the exceptional beauty of the place.

And then i wake up because i dont have the energy to sustain this dream anylonger , because it needs no future or past , its just as complete as it needs to be the way it is, no questions asked.

Then its back here to this job which today seems like a complete burden another thing that n idd lime to do right now: Sit outside a Cafe , watching people walk on in life , observing giving each face a story , a history a future and most importantly a present. There are these beautifull expressions , that need to nbe observed , the playfullness of a couple or the seriousness of one , it s absolutely crazy that a face can speak so much , and yet my face speaks nothing to me. I light a cigarette and the smoke is lke the Smirnoff bottle showing real faces.

Chaos

2008-09-03T09:37:00.002+01:00

Its September already and the times running fast , there are so many small little things that need to be done to complete the process of living, but apart form these there are these strange new opportunities , new waves which hit me every day beckoning me to action. In the end a muddled human being emerges out of the complete chaos that surrounds him . For a person who is pretty paranoid about time and not organized at all i guess im playing the part well.

So here are a few deadlines that i enlist for me today , in the overgrown list of things to do in life : I guess these are the first few steps that i need to take on my journey to new lands.
1) Tofel to be written before 15 th of this month , which probably means by 15th of this month
2) ISB application to be checked one final time and requirements to be fulfilled and submitted 15th Sep
3) Queens Application to be filled within the same period and submitted by the same time
4) Job interview at Maytas to be materalised through some push , before the 10th of this month
5) House to be shiofted by 15th , sorry painted and shifted.
6) Smoking to be quit by tenth.
Ok thats bout it , but then again there are so many bloody things so little time , anyways so now atleast you guys know where im headed , though I must say I myself am stil quite confused to the general direction my life is taking.
Another thin apart from the ten hours at work that are spent meeting other deadlines, if you have any suggestions please get through to me cos there seems to be too much on my plate right now to digest.
Adios I guess ill talk to u guys after the dreded 15th .

The Rush

2008-08-27T18:08:00.003+01:00

Hello here I am again, for a person who writes content for most of his hospitals articles and press releases and gives briefs to Advt agencies I really write disjointedly on this blog, don't you think so?

To begin a new chapter I will try to be more careful in the construction of my posts from hence onwards
I have had a rush , in the past 48 hours , Whats a rush and how does it happen you might ask. Well i get mine through a few things in life ,
1) The chase - most important of them all i guess. Its when I am opposite an attractive woman, or atleast a fashionable one , who's conversation is intellectually stimulating and interspersed with these exchanges which take place completely non verbally. There is this sudden increase in pulse rate , a certain confidence in each word , and an underlying stream of conversation through the body, be it a look, or arrangement of hair, at that very moment that woman becomes the most desirable person on this earth. Maybe you could call it simple flirting, but if its the right kind of person i think you will understand. So it does not matter if shes about 10 years older than me , it doesn't matter if shes AVP of a company, all that matters is the internal stream of conversation. So though the bodies talk a different language there is a contrast in the conversation , Either its too professional or slightly spiteful. And of course the rush.
2) Success - The second rush is from success , not measurable , not even materialistic , but rather more on the personal internal challenge sort of way. Its when you complete an assignment, that's difficult to take up on , or something that you probably thought wouldn't work out works out in a very agreeable manner. So it doesn't matter if its an Interview that you take to see if you have it in you, it doesn't matter if its in the real estate space though you are from Health care, it doesn't matter if your not even sure that you would take up the offer if it was offered to you, and even if you almost forget to breath and hyperventilate at the initial phase of the interview. The only thing that matters is that you smashed it , and you saw the woman in front of you almost orgasmic over the thought of having you in her team, its the smile and the eager handshake which follows it and man do you have a rush or what.
3) When you trip - this rush is of a different sort its made up of dreams, hallucinations and the subconscious , its the desire that arises out of the very soul of your heart which takes shape in the form of images and songs and it doesn't really matter if its completely against your very substance. When you do the thing that resides in you somewhere deep down , which you didn't even know existed there , its a rush like youv never felt before. Its the first drag of every cigarette , the last of every joint, the middle of every drinking session, and the beginning of every Acid trip.

So that's it folks the rush is upon me , for how long? It probably will get phased out in a day or too, but yaa atleast I know now that i still can have them.

Strange

2008-08-14T06:48:00.003+01:00

The Lights were dim , and he walked in with a glass of water, man this is tougher than i thought. Ok so the last blog kinda sucked but it was written on an impulse and i dont really care.

Todays been a beautifull day I wanted to sleep some more in the morning but had to get up , I wanted it to be sunnier it was cloudy , In office there was work to be done in the morning and i didnt feel like working , there is work still pending and i still dont feel like working , the tea was too sweet and the cigarretes slightly bitter, I wanted to listen to dazed and confused but the song I played was Laila o Laila. I wanted to write this uninterrupted i have been disturbed twice. Theres a feeling that something is going to happen but its not happened yet.

Yet the days better than most days, I guess sometimes we just dont know what we want and we just need life to open up in front of us as it does.

I wanted to write a diffferent post but its this that has shaped up in front of me.

Dazed and confused for so long its not true wanted a woman never bargained for you.

Oh bye the way im having these really strange dreams , there was a woman in them today , there were either these insects or birds which pecked her face while she laid in a hospital bed dressed in white , bits going of her in symmetrical patterns, there was no blood but like pock marks , but she looked peautiful, the thought scared me a bit . but then i knew she was not feeling pain , and then i awoke.

Beauty vs ugly

2008-08-12T15:23:00.003+01:00

Ok so I blog again on Impulse , whats new in that?

Its been an interesting day, with we surfing the net for MBS Melbourne business school. The place sounds fairly interesting and it was one of the sites that i actually read in totality , well almost. But other than that i had two appointments with two big Indian companies Dr. Reddys and 92.7 Big FM , both of which we are targeting to sponsor or Rather partner us in an event. Well the business talk was always exciting specially if the outcomes are positive and in this case atleast one of them was an immediate yes.

But other than that there was this theory that i created, I saw this 'RJ Adonica there , shes built like a doll, very pretty face and quite delicate, now Im not really like into typoing people , but i think i expected her to be something like that, its kind of strange how only the pretty girls have the real pretty voices. By this don't mean the singing voice but rather the talking voice, and man I think that theory might just about hold good. I have to do a bit of practical research on that , I could try it out as a thesis if i end up entering MBS. hehehhe.

Ok another theory , which though not exactly mine but adapted by me somewhere down the line is: In India soon the pretty women might go extinct / or visa versa.

Basically i say there are three type of people through evolution , the good lookers , the ugly ducks and well the Transitioners. Basically since we are moving towards the westernize culture of Love marriages, single parents, divorces and bachelors / Spinsters for life . The markets getting tougher. Competition has increased because of our faith in love, we now believe that we deserve a certain quality and if we don't get it, quite a few of us are willing to try out new products , but not get tied to them and if we are not satisfied than we are willing to remain single.

This is specific to the metropolitans, and people there have evolved to this competition or are in progress, women have gotten prettier, taller, slimmer , better framed etc etc. Men to have evolved similarly and are turning out with much better better. We cant really compare a Kishore Kumar or Devanand or for the matter of fact even Amitab bachan in his younger days to the Saifs, hrithiks and Jhons of today. So basically people are now either good looking or transitioners in the metros, and the only people who might be left behind are the firm believers in Arranged Marriages , who know that in the end they will get hitched . But I think every one in the city needs to wake up to this realisation that the times are changing and slowly they will. So this is the race of the beautiful people.

Now lets come to not so metro cities and tier two and tier three cities, loves happening , but marriage has to be the final culmination , there is no choice of remaining single, or becoming a single parent , completely against the cultural and social values. So we have the transitioners here and the plain old uglies , and this is how it exists, there might be a freshness in the faces but the bodies are disproportionate somewhere.

The villages are places which are not really that affected buy this whole scenario , if it happens to be a village endowed with natural , heritable beauty then so it is. But it does not really matter if you are pretty or not u will get a match.
On the other side men seem to be moving at a faster pace towards this basic improvement in looks and this is basically the competition for them is even more severe as the man to woman ratio of India is high.

Ok so now that w e know why they exist and where they exist lets try to pin a future to it, basically its gonna be existence in the end and if going by norms more and more people choose to remain single i think beauty might just prevail , but ofcourse since procreation is our basic goal and we like to do it under the garb of marriage , that to arranged we will remain ugly . This is really inconclusive , but i havnt really given it much thought , i will try and improve o n this in the near future.

Rainy Day Adventure

2008-08-09T05:40:00.002+01:00

I suddenly realise how boring and mundane my life has become in a certain way , so while people write about their trips to the jungle and their trips to India and Mushrooms and acid , I sit here and think getting wet in the rain is an adventure.

But it was for me. When over a three Kilometer journey looms in front of you, in a down pour that could shame Niagara falls , every street an amazon river in itself and well it is a jungle out there after all. And so begins the rainy day Adventure.

It was a quite Friday evening, the day had been dark and ominous. I worked in the office as usual , sending mails and daydreaming , and after the daily grunge it was the blog reading time. had come across a very interesting blogger , suited my taste and so i read on , at about 7 it was decided that it was definitely time to go home. But what was not known to me was that the rains had started with a vengeance about 15 minutes ago, so tucking my bag i walked to the gate to realise the deluge which was upon us. There was this crowd gathered all waiting for the rain gods to stop their fury , but nothing changed , so while I stood there looking at this beautiful rain , it dawned upon me that it wont stop. So i walked to the gate to wait for an auto , and in the process got wet.

The night was beautiful , the rain was amazing , so away went my bag back into the dept, and off i went to meet the rain, it was cold it was refreshing , it was like this old light returning to me, and i remembered my lazy rain walks in Manipal, but this was definitely not happening. Too wet in four steps , wow what rain. So i hailed an Auto and as luck would have it he stopped, this mad driver , with adventure on his mind, off we went through wet streets at maddening pace.

Traffic Jam , bloody hell its pouring and the pace of life still doesn't stop, we went into this by street, the roads filled with water , I can see vehicles on the side submerged in water, theres this indica on the side trying to start and its exhaust spewing out water which it has swallowed like a thirsty child, a little too fast. The auto stops, the engine goes off , my heart skips a beat, the adventures just begun. On the way there were people standing on the sides, looking at the rain hailing autos, trying to at least , and i think it would be a good sight with some hot tea and under a good strong roof. The autos luckily run out of petrol and hes carrying a bottle of it, my life springs back to action , and i look out of the auto as he splashes water around on others, his pace is fast cant damn see the road but no , he wont make no compromises on the speed.

We reach this section of the road about a kilometer from my house which is always clogged with water and that too tremendous amounts of it, he refuses to go any further and i cajole him to take another road, the roads clogged and what to do, so I take the brave step of stepping out of Auto onto the Sidewalk, theres a river flowing on the road and im standing at its bank. But then at some point in the future I walk into the water its cold and my shoes are wet , the waters till my ankles now, and then I turn a corner might as well get some food, The waters till my knees now, and i wonder if ill catch some fish too, manholes can be really dangerous and i see a few regurgitating water. its a beautiful wet day im drenched and im cold but there is smile on my face which just cant be wiped out. The water becomes less , and the walk is easier. The guys at the Chinese shop laugh at me looking my pitiable condition and i feel really jolly and at the same time contemplative , the foods prepared fast and the cigarettes are bought and nicely wrapped in a plastic bag to keep them dry.

And I walk home in a drizzle its beautiful, a kid cycles by me and smiles this real heart warming smile and i feel well the whole of Humankind is somehow united in this rain , they are all fighting together to get back home , and it s a journey worth its pleasure.

A warm bath a bottle of wine a good movie my days made and the adventures over .

Just a day

2008-08-02T10:39:00.002+01:00

Its a cozy Saturday afternoon , the work loads dwindelled now , I have finished my PPT on breast feeding , and according to the doctor I have covored the major parts of it pretty well, i added a few cartoons too, but trying not to be too lewd , I like this doctor shes a really shy gynacologist, i really wonder at times how she talks family planning with the fathers.

In other news , the sense of uselessness , still continues, but its less active today , The morning was beautifull, just got up at 5 minutes to eight so that it gave me the 5 minutes required to heat me a cup of coffee before the power went. The coffee was nice and strong , the aroma was amaizing and that mixed with the nights rain effervesing from the earths surface . The sun was bright and i stood at my balcony looking out , while the owners lunatic son paraded around below , oblivious to me and me to him. And i wondered how the day would be .

The bath was refreshing after a real long time and the water just the right natural temprature, there was just enought time to dreaa and just the right kind of traffic opn the way to work. I had my breakfast i think reading my daily horoscope on rediff , now though i quite forget what it said.

Saw a grand movie last night , love song for Bobby Long, that jhon Travolta is amaizing , i mean he can look good even with white hair, a limp and a bit of a paunch, drunk and waisted. Cant say its a great movie or unpredictable , but it is quite interesting in its slow paced manner. And I really felt happy about having watched it.

Last night was a restless night i faught some work problems i nthe night in my head as to what action neede to be taken for a vendor to work , but cant quite say if I have figured it out yet, but it does make my blood boil. And on top of it the advance payment of some 25 odd thousands is with him. so I wonederwhere it will end. Big business somethimes feel so vulnerable because the small time business men they rely on can destroy them and well vice versa I guess. Every one is living in a fear of the other, i think Im begining to not give a shit and i like it this way.

Ok Adios for now till we write again

It been a shitty day

2008-08-01T17:00:00.002+01:00

Ok so heres another one , i think im sick , maybe feverish , or maybe just mentally exhausted, every day im fighting a new demon within my head, maybe its just the latent lunatic gene thats becoming dominant. Today was the fight for supremacy , the fight to be liked by the right people , the fight to go completely out of character and then suddenly realising how naked you are to hurt.

It started of soberly , with the little bit of work which needed to be finished being finished, but i cant say how far i went cos somewhere in the middle i lost interest. The boss gives a definative task , and i gotta make people do it , there seems to be a power struggle and infact i think i can see where its coming from, i have been driving some people too hard i n the recent past and its hurting me as well as them .
But I canrt really help it because im embibibg it into me this diciplarian character, the boss is having fun while i play the taurant officer he gets tgo be the good cop , and there is a exchange of power.

Games in the office oh so tiering , on a day like today i suddenly realise that does it really matter , if we are running a shabby ship , and then i fee it does , but when did i become like this who has to think about things like this. There is no absolute future , i agree to that, but i seem to have lost myself to this drudgery , i love the days i love my job , but ill tell you a truth the last few days have been complete evil, and now i envy those who enjoy what they do. I think i wasnt made for this.

Well i think im just being quite melodramatic here, in actuality iv become quite a bit if a drama queen now. ( laughs at self and imagines self in a queenly dress) woah , thats scary. Ok so coming back to it , Its basically a little scary to realize i nthe midst of it all as to where im heading, I guess you could kind of call it a mild attack of midlife crisis. But you know what im glad that there is still something in me which really wants to fight it.

And of course o ntop of that Neets just left me a really good comment , and im quite happy now, I thin you just made my day turn around.

realisation

2008-07-31T09:20:00.003+01:00

Huston we have a problem , over the past three odd days of my existence i feel myself cornered in a place that i dont really look forward to being at. It is kind of strange because the person who is cornering me into this place is me, and its just that the realisation of it is hitting me a little slow.

Ok as for the imaginative bit i think i did a really good job on the last post of mine leaving the canvas blank for so long so that every one else could fill it up with the colors of their imagination.

Coming back to reality , I have to state that i am really Alone and also that i dont really like it , and lastly i think i am dependent on it. Over the past three years I think i have exchanged that little semblance of Humanity which was left in my heart in favour of acquiring self dependence . The necessity of the concept of having every thing within oneself led me to distance myself from most of my friends , three people remained standing , who i was not dependant on but whos company i somehow tolerated , they have left now all three of them and i suddenly find myself in the midst of life struggeling to make new ones.

Flashback , it all began with life in hyd , the interdependance o n fairly unimpressive colleagues , who could let you down at the fall of a needle, inability to really understand most people around, refuge in self, change in behaviour -present situation. Its clear isnt it , i remember creating that funda on the terrace of my old apartment and now i can see myself alone o n that terrace , and believe me its not as great as it looked.

Where to next god knows atleast i know something now. The fundas still realy cool and i think i still believe in it but i think anything when taken to an extreme is fanatism , so hell lets just water it down a bit , but then i think meeting interesting people is still a big problem.

The Writers Blog

2008-07-09T13:33:00.004+01:00

Another story for you all .

I love writing this all , i enjoy the idea that someone out there is reading this stuff, and then I realise that there are somany of us out there who somewhere share this common exhibitionistic pleasure.

In recent days i have been attracted to so many blogs ,they have been blogs of 21 year olds and well maybe soem even 31 and there is this drastic difference in the way we all write . They have been random people of the net, of xanga or blogspot , and some have been through comments , names i like pictures i like and so on and so forth. Call it Vouyerism , but its intense to see how every one somewhere is peicing their life togeather, living through a broken relationship , living single or plainly living in their dellusional world.

I have a few favourites now , most of them for their Humour, for the dark irony in some of them , and others just for the pure and clean feeling of fresh existence that they bring with them. Its kind of strange that friends can write in such different flavours , sometimes you would wonder how a gets along with B.

And most importantly it makes you feel that you are not the only one with this particular quirkiness.

I guess id call myself the depressive writer , cost most of my posts are about unhapiness somewhere or about the search for happiness.

Similarly some people write in third person lets say in riddles.

Ok i have to go right now works calling mayn\be i will complete this post , or maybe i will not any one of u is free to complete it if you like.

Imagination

2008-07-08T13:28:00.002+01:00

I was thinking that in recent days most of what i have written in here has been quite realistic , I mean they have been bits and peices of life , of my life , of my desires , worries and failures, maybe its time to get a bit light , lets put some imagination into it and write something new , maybe in a different flavor . I dont quite know yet , but hopefully this should get a new feel to it soon .

But I warn you if I know myself it could be dark somewhere.

the animal

2008-07-07T14:57:00.003+01:00

I have always known it , there is an animal in me , a not so pleasant really mean side, it comes out when i go out, basically that is after drinking loads of alcohol , i switch off and he comes on , and i dont remember no jack shit of whats happened the next day.
its scary actually .

One more night and im killing it , im killing it an im certain bout that.

The Perfect Morning , The Tired Man, an Old Love affair & Death Calling

2008-07-04T06:36:00.002+01:00

Its kind of strange how various things are so bloody Connected , well maybe not connected but can have such simultaneous appearances.

The Perfect Morning for a friend , with the perfect light, the perfect breeze, the perfect Music in the back ground, the perfect cup of tea and the perfect Drizzle to make it known that you are not in a dream. The perfect world

And out side of it The tired man exists , shuttling day in and day out from Job to home, 16 hours in the office for two consecutive days, no time to breathe , no time to eat , chaotic focused energy , on the event , the expectations the unknown , knowing that hes missing out on life while he exists like this. Knowing that the opportunity is calling and might not call out for long , but stuck in existentiality. But the present is in its own way a different high, of aspiration of potentiality.

And then there is a Dream a dream that dose not even break on waking up and sleeping again , a dream of a past love , of her acceptance and her rejection, in disbelief the man is pulled in to a fatal attraction with someone that is now history. He dreams of the love they share , the exotic love making is intense , there is this strange tense restriction in every action and yet somewhere in the inside he knows that its all wrong. That this is not the way it is meant to be , the advice from another friend on relationships , an apparition in pieces to give advice on love, on failure , or rejection . Its intense this mix . Finally I see him Shoveling on the ground behind the woman from the past , marking a route why now i cant quite understand. He wakes up in cold sweat but wanting to go back again to that dream , the alarm clock rings and theres nothing that he can do about it.

There have been three missed calls, and a message , from a distant land, Africa. He wakes up cursing under his breath for having to wake up , for the tiredness for the lost dream . He curses the distant caller , he gets ready for office , at least it will be an easier day , he knows. And then he reads the message , "the person that he was suppose to send the medicines to , the medicines that he was suppose to send four days ago , has died. "

And then there is numbness , could he have done something to save that life probably not, the condition was already quite bad. Where did he go wrong ,well no where, but he knows that the the day will be long , the tiredness would engulf him, but it would be the perfect day because he would be comfortably Numb.

Living Alone

2008-07-01T20:01:00.001+01:00

There are so many strange little oddities that you collect from living alone, its the best, it can be the worst at times too, but its the strange little habits , tempraments that you collect that make you so damn unsociable at times.

Trip to nowhere and everywhere

2008-06-15T17:46:00.008+01:00

Talk about Spontanity, imagine a scenario , its a mundane wednesday morning , and you are a bit late for work , you r rushing in an auto to your workplace , the phone rings, a friends on line , he sounds desperate, do you wanna take a vacation , we will drive insanely long distances to stay for an insanely short period to dwell over monoliths from the past.

And you act on it, well thats exactly how it all began , wont bother the reader with the complete details, but the leave was sanctioned, the packing done and all set for the morrow. But before that ofcourse the celebration of vacation , wheres the booze. Drank till 2:30 am , woke up at 5:00 am and all set for a 1000 odd kilometer drive. I guess the best part of it all was that i didnt have a clue as to where i was going, it was planned in the night, though i bet my friend always knew where he was taking me and probably if i had known i wouldnt have come , but now the leave was sanctioned , couldnt waste it could I.

So off we were to Manipal - banglore is about 600 odd Km from Hyderadab, and from there Manipal is about 400 Km more, if i would have known this man i would have called us insane specially since we planned to travell this humongous distance in 1 day ,

Travelling in the morning is so beautifull, now iv done it twice, before sunrie, its all so quiet , and as the daylight peeks in , it becomes more beutiful. So off we were travelling at speeds of a 110 and 120 kmph , the breeze was like a full blown howl, I think i passed out for bout half an hour somewhere in the middle, first stop a cigarette break, we were carrying just bout two cigarettes with us and thats not good when ur travelling so early in the morning, but then u gotta make do with what you have, it was by this small hillock kinda thing the sun was out but not hot yet, the grass was green we went ito the field to take a leak , smoked the cigarette like cool dudes sitting on the grass, next to the shiny black Aveo, it felt good. A few more miles covered , the stomach growls , the hungers setting in , didnt have much of food the night before u see , so we stop at the first place we see, this small hut kinda place ,the owners woken up , hes by the fire probably makng tea, its a shanty kinda dhaba , where probably truck drivers and road workers have their first cuppa, the teas not great but the omelet and paratha , hits just the right place. As for cigarettes we have run out , so we smoke small goldflake , not bad a bit tough on the throat though, but for experienced players like us we handle it with finasse. There are these two very cute girls in the place some 6 - 7 years old cleaning bout the house , and i think to myself man she takes care of herself better than i do, so while she boils milk i have a bit of a chat with her , shes going to a muslim school , i think she meant a place where the religion is tought not education, but i wonder.

We have a large journey ahead of us so we go on . Somewehre down the road maybe 20 odd Kms away theres a traffic jam a stupid , lorrys gone and hit the pillar of a narrow bridge, no great damage to either but the roads blocked and we have to wait there for forty minutes, strike a conversation with one of the lorry drivers but then , suddenly turn a bit snobish, attitude i guess. But over all uneventfull. Then as we cruise we realise that we are travelling in a car and a car requires fuel , and ours already blinking the sign , i guess Avi is thirsty , we surge ahead and no petrol pump in sight , we get a bit panicky , i mean the car looks heavy pushing it that too on a highway , no way . Lucks with us, for we reach a petrol bunk just in time, tank full please. By three after many pee stops we reach Banglore, to my disappointment , and then after looking at the traffic to my delight we are bypassing most of the town . It strikes me this stark contrast between the banglore women and the women in hyderabad, man the hyderabadis are for sure missing out on lots.

We pass through the outskirts of banglore , more local women there yet they are much prettier than the average andhra woman , the Andhra women for some strange reason are either disproportioned or manly or both, I could get crucified for this but i simply state what i see.

Are we on the wrong track , there were no clear signages in banglore , showing us the way to Manglore, rather the signage was for a place which sounded something like Tumki , or tumkur or something like that. So so very unlike the others of our species we ask for directions. I personally have no hassels in asking for directions, its much better than getting lost, of course that is if im not in a hurry, or when i dont care where im going. This was again a panick situation ,cos according to our calculation we still needed to cover about 450 km and it was three which meant we were gonna get really late. Asking for directions is good , but then not seeing any signage to verify that direction is bad, finally after crusing for bout 50 odd minutes , ie by bout 4:00 pm we saw the signage 332 Km - Manglore. So we drove on , I was still fresh , the destination was still inviting , though i would have really liked to have just stayed back in Banglore because I also really like Banglore , and have some friends there to catch up with. Though i have never really had the chance to stay in Banglore , i really like it because its a mix of care free existence yet which is full of energy , laid back but still happening. With its lakes , parks MG road, shopping malls, book stores, tea houses, eating joints and driking holes i think its just perfect, though its expensive on a shoestring bdget like mine I dont even think i could have lasted there a day , or maybe just a day, but probably still id have to beg for the petrol.

Anyways we fly , its bout 5:0o pm now, havnt had lunch the stomachs growling once again , we reach a beautiful little place , its one of those South Indian restraunts called brindavan , i wonder why most of these places are either called Kamath , or brindavan, or shantla, i mean there are these common names, probably you could guess the name of any of these restraunts within 5 guesses. The place is so clean , and the foods amaizing , or maybe it was just the hunger , but great dosas. We refurbish oourselves and smoke a ciggy , having a pure southindian coffe, what aroma , what flavour , nescafe eat your heart out.

The evening was setting in the rains that manglore and manipal are so famous for greeted us a good 180 odd km away from Manglore, the ghats, it was night , it was foggy and the curves were the most vuluptious that i had ever seen , well almost , Simlas not too bad on those either, but it was the night and the rain that was getting to me. The journey had been long now , it was getting tiresome, tedious and basically we just needed to finish it. Though i must say that when seen in daylight its one really picturesque route, its beautifull, curves , greenery , meadows, a dirty river flowing next to the road for a bit, full of silt yet beautifull. And its great fun to drive through too in the day.

So we reah Manglore its bout 11:00 pm , we are tired infact cant even keep our eyes open , its the cigarettes that are keeping us alive, and the desire to hit Mpal. Food , im certain the hotel we are gona stay in ( Booketd through Ranga while starting from Banglore ) wont serve us, it was a last choice , no rooms available in Manipal , admission times u see. Anyways we are getting dizzy with hunger, but a stop means lost time, we choose the food, the first dhaba which we see open after Manglore, it turns out to be the only one on the route and that to vegetarian, the foods not great the teas really good. The road from Manglore to Manipal is a disaster area, it really seems like a battles taken place there, potholes, mud, diversions, and at places no road. They are actually trying to construct a 4 lane track , but right now its a mess, an the rain yet agan didnt help.

Finally 12:30 we reach manipal , as expected the hotel aint great , but the rooms big, the balconies nice , they dont serve us tea , the cable tv dosent work at present , but it dosent really matter cos we are dead tired, even too bathe, so we crash , and sleep like babies. The morning beautiful morning.

We have a plan morning the work of the transcrips to be dealt with , Ranga to be met , and basic loafering in Manipal to be done. All acomplished by bout two. Coming back to it , it was strange to see the guys in the office recognise me, i mean they even remembered my name, and asked me how Nalina was doing, it dosent pinch anymore the thought of her or of my breakup with her, the answer came out as naturally as ever, we arent togeather anymore. Its kind of strange that the pain goes away and even stranger that the guilts gone too. Being 28 and single though at times i think it might have been my biggest mistake , and yet i feel that probably i would do it again.

Met Sebastina maam , shes carrying , and very visibaly preagnant, i was shocked , at first had no clue wat to say , but then the conversation started, and it was ok , the crowd changed I mean the Manipal crowd, there are more NRIs now and quite a few people from up north , i guess to be read as delhi and also from Bihar, which in my opinion , and solely in my opinion are quite indisciplined places. Another reason that i dont really like going to the department is cos iv changed direction , and probably at one time was considered as one of their really promising students, i guess im guilty of leting them down , and also cos most of my colleagues from then are now abroad , which at present im dying to do . So i guess its a bit of failure to, but then i dont take that too seriously.

So the works done breakfast in the Hospital canteen , a new AC canteen by the way , in the hospital, it seems the old canteen that use to give us those horrible leaf idlis has become passe and is used only by the patient attendants now. The dosas still taste the same though , and it brings back a bit of Nostalgia, i cant really talk that much to Ranga yet and i know something is expected out of me , but im really glad to see him and hes really happy to see me too, and thats enough , you dont really need words at times. We go pick up his daughter whos in preschool ( man the thought has to still sink in though i have been aware of it ever since her existence, Rishika is now almost three) shes in a good mood comes too us happily , shes grown from the last time i saw her. We say our goodbyes, and promise to come for dinner in the evening, but ofcourse as soon as we leave him the plans change, thats the problem when u r travelling with friends you gota make adjustments, specially if you r travelling with just one dude.

So where are we going to Turtle bay of course, i dont really wanna go my memmories of the place dont seem to be that great, tainted i guess by my last visit there. But i really dont want to see the sea during rains. We reach there , the management has become horribly strict , coming out with these strange rules. Anyways we woo them to serve us beer and some really good fish , and we have a conversation listening to the sea. The conversations about moving on and loosing weight , probably the two most dreaded things for both of us, we give each other fundas , we plainly tell each other that we are assholes, we feel sorry for each other at least me for him , and well are just bout to hit each other , its gotten a bit messed , but then friends do that once in a while. Its really sad to see Sinu like that, but then i guess he had gone there looking for some sort of closure , i hope he found it cos theres little else he found. By the wa y TURTLE BAY WAS ASTONISHINGLY BEAUTIFUL. Anyways on the way back we buy bananas , and intricately important detail as the manipal Bananas are really famous for their flavour according to me atleast. We also took a detour to visit this rustic church and this lake that Sinus girlfriend once sat at eating sweets with her cousin, which Sinu had sent her , he ofcourse knows all this as she was on the phone describing it to him , the towns a strange little town where everyone stares at you, the street goes on till it ends abruptly into the lake as if one was suppose to drive over the lake, its beautifull , the church too was nice , atleast from the outside, the mass was in Kanada no clue wat the good man was saying , we stay ther for a bit , Sinu cries his tears while I ofcourse pee as the beers gotta come out. He is nostalgic and theres only that much that a man can take of him and the love story , but then i realise somewhere on the way out of the church , how badly it must be hurting , and im cautious and we are friends again somewehre by the time we reach back to the hotel.

The evenings setting in we are late to reach Rangas cos we were buisy picking presents, one for Rangas Daughter and the other for Sridhars, Sridhar is a friend , or an aquaintance who likes me , or liked me , we have smoked up togeather , we have drank togeather and iv met him a total of bout five times before this, but ther was some intimacy , if i were not to be leaving Manipal when i met him I think we would have been good friends. Ok so Rangas daughter is reallynaughty , and its strange to see his take on it , in a cold non emotional way he handles his daughter well , though shes a brat, and i see in him the excuses that he gives for her, its kind off strange to see the father in him, hes a really caring father and probably husband too, maybee not extremely romantic though. He had brought flowers for his wife it was her bday . Man Ranga flowers never absolutely never. We didnt speak much either there was nothing really required , but the closeness was immense and i did really feel sad leaving him.

So after tea and humungous amounts of snacs we were off to sridhars, ofcoourse after extricating a promise from ranga that he would join us after dinner at whichever place we were drinking. Sridhars become this timid man , whos always stating the fact that hes realy happy. Having married out of love , an affair that lasted a total of three months , in which he probably met her five times , i would say that really rushing things up. Anyways his daughters just one and shes a darling, his dogs pretty cute too and really timid , i mean to the extent that he would rush away as soon as you come close to him , reminds me of the cartoon courage the dog. The baby really friendly , no problems coming to Sinu , though to me she came on the second go , i guess im not really father material yet, so i state the conclusion no need for marriage for some time yet. Anyways after having a slightly strange conversation about the job , and no communication with the wife, who just stood there looking at us and then feeding her child some goo she had prepared in the mixer, I guess the kid and the dog were the most interesting of them all.

So it was me Sinu and the two kidnapped married men , with their own transport facilities to go back in case an emergency cropped at home, ar an angry spouse growled. We went to lake view a place that i had actually just visited twice , with very unfamiliar people, one Jason Divyas boi , after coming runners up in a Basketball match , there was the entire NRI gang there who had beat us, Putlur had wanted to go so we had, i really had felt out of place. And the second time was when Maneet had come for internship one month , and that time i had gone there drunk after having too many beers in the room , had puked outside it with four really pretty girls and a Sardar , one of which was my girlfriend (not the Sardar) and then had made a chiken fly ( Cooked chicken off the plate) to the plate of the hottest girl there (sadly not my girlfriend again). Anyways once i reached there i just mentioned that the place was bigger before, and the main steward who was old staff , said it was true and actually toured me all around the place, they have opened up a pub on the top with hookas and all , man really cool. Follwing this the Smirnoff was good and the conversation was about the changing student profile how they had no respect for the faculty ( since the two married men were faculty), and all i had to say was chill out and be cool , but i didnt say that , Ranga has turned out to be much cooler than expected, but i take full credit for that. Man even the conversations dont remain the same. I guess at some level it is really cool to live in Manipal , but as faculty you get really restricted from enjoying yourself, cos ur scared what the students would think, what a waste of life, though i didnt mention it to the people concerned.

We split early straight to bed , the jet lag had still not worn off. Got up late the next morning, Sridhar was there by 10:25 am , got up late by the way means by 9:30 am , i realised how much Sridhar missed his friends , i realised how stuck he was and how he was coping with affirming the opposite. I mean otherwise why would a married, working guy be there at 10:25 am , but then it could be his love for us. Man he was so lonely. Anyways off to the hospital , a patient to be met by sinu, and from there to Cosmos to drink beer, The place is atrocious now, I wouldnt go there if i was in Manipal now, the prices are exorbidant for the student community , I basically go there cos iv really spent some quality time there,cos it s air conditioned and cos i like the continental food there, specially the chicken in Mushroom sauce. I really woneder why they made it non smoking cos otherwise it might still have been ok. anyways Ranga joined us and wouldnt eat properly cos it was too expensive , trust Ranga to do something like this, i love him for it, anyways from there we went to Dolops cos its the best and more importantly we were still hungry and i wanted to go there.

I guess the best part of it all was people recognising you , like Jain , the guy who supplioed me with Cigaretted and pumped Lemon Juice into me for atleast a good two years, and whos Zippo i always had eyed, we specially traced him , they had shifted him , probably does one fourth the old business now, but i gues thats the story of the small man. The guy near sheelas , hes supplied me ciggys , specially when Marlbro reds were just 30 bucks a twenties pack, the waiter at Cosmo also did reconise me , and the guy at Dolops.Its always good visiting the past , but ofcourse theres never a comparison cos past would always seem better.

So after having a light meal at dolops it was off for us , on saturday itself , we planned to break the journey , the goodbyes were not tear full , probably we didnt even look back like they do in movies, but they were genuine and heartfelt.

Thats a long post so ill end it here as to the journey back lets hope for Trip - 2

Advice from friend - my take on it.

2008-06-09T18:59:00.003+01:00

This is from inspration from a friend that i was in deep converstion with for the past two odd hours. Just a bit of background we parted some three years ago , we have gone through our bit of shit over the past three years,we both our single, we both hate our jobs or rather are now a bit tired of them, both of us have had our bit of broken relationships.

Anyways its something that i use to talk about till i got caught with it. Existentiality , the present day scenario, the present month scenario and so on and so forth. The race for money , the quest for love, the search for fame and the dream of adventure. All of it desires , that remain unfulfilled cos we are trying so hard to get at them , to make it happen for us.

Did you realise that most of us are at present unhappy , due to some reason or the other and that this particular unhappines is not leading us anywhere, its not that most of are doing anything to get away from this unhapiness , we crib , we cry , we get depressed at times, and at other times we try to drown it in alcohol , or maybe a parellel world, and sometimes we simply go insane.

Whats the solution to it all , well definately not geting too involved. I mean do you really think getting that new car would help you and do you really thing you wont desire the next big thing. Its so stupid this running around, this waking up and not liking the idea of being alive cos there are so many things that you have not acheived and which seem for far beyond you.

Did you ever realise that this existentiality has actually stopped you from thinking about the bigger picture, because you are too buisy thinking about existence itself. And actually if you had thought clearly about it you nmight have acheived it by now.

The solution - the way of the mad man .

Dont worry about it, about the love youv lost , about the job that you wanted, about the future, about the past , about where you would be in three years , or five years or thirty for that matter of fact. About hating your boss, about being in love with him , about the boring job, or age.

(Its a strange realisation , iv had it in me for years, my problems more two pronged , theres existentiality at one level and theres philosophy at the other , so either its to detailed or its to wide a spectrum, and in both of these I havnt been able to see myself.)

I suddenly realise that in truth over the past one year I havnt really had a thought of my own , its been somthing that derived out of pressure , either parental , or societal, man i dont give a shit no more , not now atleast , and its complete euphoria in a strange relatively placid way.
I wish you could share wat i feel at present , i really wonder if you would see it that way , probably all this nonsensicle thought is really nonsensicle , but i ned to share it with you cos you need to understand it somewhere down the line. My desire at present is to make you happy , not just happy but truly satisfied.

I cant really say that tomorrow I would practice all that i have learnt today , but atleast the realisation is a begining. Thank you dear friend for your gift of patience , of retrospection and of lessons that you have learnt from life, it has helped me in strange ways to place myself within the picture. To tomorrow then a brigther day than today , for the rest of our lives.

The pain is an illusion all else is real

2008-06-07T12:40:00.005+01:00

Love the elixer of life the poison of souls.

An ode to the disaster thats waiting to happen at some time to everyone , and the repurcussions that remain after its all over .

I have lived a blessed life , beauty and good friendship has usually graced me , wherever Iv gone. For the past three years though its been different life has been tough living isolated , from them or rather just getting fleeting glimpses, has made me different in strange ways , in ways that i dont even think of. Yet sometimes a question arises which needs answering, and it has happened again. And that is when i return back to normality .

No im not in love not this time , that seems to allude me for some strange reason and to tell u the truth im mostly happy for it. Cause love gives tremendous pain, but then i still think its one of the most important feelings to exprerience , its something that makes us complete. I have left so many halfs behind now , that i woneder what exists of me , and yet in strange moments of sunlight , under strange constalations i see myself more complete than i could ever be , having best of what i wanted from them .

I cant really say all endings are happy , i cant even say that everything will be ok or the pain goes away , it dose become duller and you to tend to forget it at times , but then it comes back in strange places under strange circumstances to wake you up in the middle of the night but then it is sweeter.

And then you wait for it to happen again , for that sweet memmory to become reality again and at times it does at times it dosent . But it dosent matter in the end cos life dose turn full circle.

Prepared to be prepared.

2008-05-26T13:03:00.001+01:00

Confusing aint it , I was reading a book in the morning , well the basic schedule of a lil bit of bathroom reading. And i came across this small bit about visions of paradise and well vitriol in life , I uss quite a few of you mightr have guessed the book if you have read it.

Anyways and it was funny how we keep on waiting for a miracle to happen and we are not really ready for it , i mean the miracles acdtually waiting for us to happen before it h\can happen , and the viciousness continues , we wait it waits and finally there is adisappointment.

2008-05-15T08:50:00.002+01:00

Yes im sitting in office for the past two odd hours Iv been trying to search the serial number of a CD that i need installed in my system, sadly enough to no avail though , labour lost to well absolutely nothing.

To the ones who have missed me , i was waiting to buy my new Sony Vaio ( New to me atleast). And well yes I have finally bought it. Its soo bloody good looking. Iv bought it some time now though I still post this from my office .

It dawns on me today that we most of us atleast are all wannabees , we always morn the loss of oppertunities that we have lost or which we have allowed to pass away .

In the middle a New colleague joins and old one orients him , and suddenly some where in the middle of that conversation is the regret of not having done an MBA , the pain is so evident and yet the fool will never do it, because he feels himself not capable of doing it, or rather makes the excuse of not doing it.

Its strange how we are always finding new ways of limiting ourselves, never really doing anything that we really want cos we believe we will fail or maybe cause we are simply too lazy. I thuink the first one is the stronger cause.

I guess somewehre in him i saw myself a faint image , self delluding and an escapist , I mean if ones comfortable with it , which again is an excuse. Its really a strange world aint it.

Im Bored

2008-05-04T16:59:00.003+01:00

OK lets put it clearly at the very beginning , this blog entry would most probably end up being a very boring and nonsensical entry as its completely out of boredom that I write and it may be full of whining too.

Nowthat u have been warned lets go. I'm bored to the core today, I'm bored not cause i have nothing to do , but rather I'm in no mood to do it , and coz I'm lazy. I'm suppose to be searching for colleges with vigour and ferocity but rather I'm living this insipid, mundane life , where there's no fire under no ones arse.

My friend , colleague left for Kerela , today , hes left for good , and I'm not certain whether that's good or bad as of yet. Not that he was the most interesting of chaps but he was crazy enough to do things that I felt like doing. hahah .

My conversations with my parents are well changing in character, from nonsensical heeloos they have come to focus on two basic things now. Have u applied, y r u so lazy and yes the most dreaded of them all Marriage. I thought I had matured to this fact that marriage is somewhere on the cards , but now that my moms planning to really start looking , my stomachs kinda turning . Well escape is always better i say .

My other friend is planning to get married somewhere in Nov Dec. The Odessey of the four Bachelors ( One of them a married bachelor) has finally come to an end. our Quartet has turned to a Triad and that too is till Dec after which , baby I'm on my own. Not a very exciting thought , but well its easier to cope with it now.

The fourth dude , from another sphere a different connection plans to leave town in June July . So u can get the picture theres nothing really cheerful left to do . I think ill stop smoking , stop drinking and probably just as well take a Vow of celibacy and turn into a freaking monk.

My friend the stinky Borgoyari as usual has been giving me insane advice, but then that's all i can expect from here. But its fun , i have finished my conversation with her for the day and well the excitements over.

My frigging tele has no cable connection , i took it out before the GMAT Long Long time back , and well I'm too lazy to get the guy to put it again , in addition to that I think the television can have a real dangerous effect on my already non existent Social life. So its bye bye to the telly anyway.

My jobs gotten boring , the team sucks , the managers got no time , and well no balls either. The appraisals gonna suck too i know of it already , and by the way i still haven't worked on my appraisal form. So that's a very happy notion. Plus the insanities of life as it is I have realised that in work atleast i need some direction , created either by me or the boss , sadly enough as of recent days it all seems to be useless and purposeless, yes the occupancies good and the targets well we r a bit below them. But you get the drift theres no more fun. I think that went away three months after i joined . I want to do something daring but i guess i lack the balls too . That's enough bout work .

The good part of life - readings back , bloggings back and well i think maybe u don't but i feel that I'm writing much better all of a sudden. I'm feeling bored but not depressed , in fact I'm feeling quite happy and content somewhere inside of me, though whats causing it is something that i have no clue bout. Oh and another thing i have this very strong intuition that I'm quitting smoking for good tomorrow onwards. Lets see if it works.

OK now I'm bored .

The Partys over

2008-05-02T16:44:00.002+01:00

Well a little bird flew near my ear and whispered "the drums wont beat any more , the musics gonna stop, the alcohols already running dry , the beats have all died. Roll over today and die cos the partys over honey pie.

Well Gmats over now a week exactly, it came it went , and well i did midocrally well , satisfied, releived id say . The party didnt happen , the feet were tired , the head was heavy, i just went numb . A little bit alcohol to infuse some life into me, and a solitary evening at home, well spent. Spent.

The days that were after was a blurr, alcohol , dancing , friends , birthday , and some more alcohol. It all began with a small car warming party , that stretched into the night, and a bit of the next day .

the Birthday came after , and that too was a bliss. Yes i did get one year older, and no it dosent really bother me. Friends gathered like fistfull of sunshine , insane conversations about place and time , spatio - temporal warp , and may be a time machine somewhere in the midlle. Beautifull drunk women sadly enough just seen . So much more to do in life so many experiences left untouched.

The coffe in the middle , while browsing thru books , the search for a laptop that would be good. The dillies and dallies of life its , the heloows and farewells packed away as if they were luggage, from a journey that ended and a new one begun .

Discoveries of new places heaven and hell. Alcohol to sooth us to make us merry men, the music was blaring it gave me a call , and we danced away till woken from the dream , the awakening a shatter a kick in the spleen .

About love , bout life , bout lust and grief , about nirvana and redemption bout renunciation and ascetism , a movie i watched , it was a beauty it was real . and there we sat by the
river in the dream and it was over , i say goodbye to him , i say goodbye to her , and then its real life , and work to be done .

The partys over the grinds begun , applications , and headaches all seem to be my chums, and writing insane unconnected thoughts , i really wonder where itll end .

To future my dear to escaping.

The curious incidence of the Cricket Match

2008-04-22T20:22:00.003+01:00

Its about one am while i post this. Iv just returned from a cricket match the shorter version of it , in fact the lean mean and super trimmed version of the shorter version, yes I refer to the 20 20's . A fantastic high paced game , filled with adrenaline and glamour. I guess for me it happens to fast sometimes, I mean before you even realise the opposition's chased the score.

However i will not get ahead of myself here, so lets take it a bit slow, it all began with free tickets to watch the 20 20 IPL cricket match between the Deccan Chargers and the Delhi Dare Devils, that i found myself to be in possession of through a guy who works for a radio station. Interesting chap who's handling a small advt for us and more importantly who finds me interesting enough to chat with at times. After a good chat with him I suddenly became the proud bearer of three IPL tickets I had no clue wat to do with them , however after telling Bhaskar a work colleague and wooing Alex a bugger I had the necessary trio required . So after waiting anxiously for the clock to strike six , and completely ignoring our works, we set of for the adventure.

This was my first experience of a live cricket match, well to tell u the truth i guess it was a bit disappointing to realise that the tickets we had were not the premium ones , and after travelling thru maddening rush and hunting for the parking space we were finally there. Id say we had the best seats possible the first row , right next to the ground, beautiful, and to add to it 4 luscious Australian cheerleaders , in really small skirts jumping bout man that's life.

However i realised after sometime that having cheerleaders in really small and tight clothes so close to you can have its own demerits, for one you don't watch too much of the match you'd miss the four cos u were too busy staring at some fair skinned girls waist, and secondly ur not the only one they attract thered be a million people who like you would like to have that glimpse of the fair skin.
This is my take on having cheerleaders in Indian cricket matches , i think at some level we are not yet prepared for it , id say not even in Mumbai and definitely not in Hyderabad. Not in Hyderabad cos every second fellow including me thinks he s Imran Hashmi ( the serial kisser of murder fame), and well we are definitely cheap . I t angered me at first to see those yucky people wearing bathroom slippers and dancing obnoxiously to get the attention of the maidens. And well then i realised that maybe id not dance for them but i like the entire male population present there age no bar was ogling at the women , and well would have liked a chance with one of them if it were possible. It saddened me to see people high on testosterone take pictures movies etc of these women , in retrospection if i had known they allowed Mobile phones inside id be one of them too , I'm definite about that.

Anyways as the match went , it was quite pathetic the home team that i was rooting for maybe not full hearted , showed a dismal performance, with just a bit of the glitter towards the end of the inning. A 30 run over is good and to have Adam gilcrist hit one towards your stand and u seeing it being caught in the third row is downright eggciting. So the cheers were on and the cheerleaders did egg us on and we them. The second innings with Shehwag creaming the shit out of the home team was really good, i mean quality cricket , sixes really long and fours at breakneck speeds. I never realized the ball travelled that fast. Glen Mc Grath is really tall and pretty broad , and Andrew really has a bohemian hairdo, Afridi has a strange beard and bad throws, Vass is really dark, Shehwag packs a punch and the game is full of life.

We lost but it was fun , the cheerleaders were the highlight for me , it made me realise how Indian I am no matter what i say, or is it just a part of being a male. The end was bad , worst a flying water packet that hits the cheerleader a pretty girl in early twenties , smack on the back . And all i can feel is apologetic , for the disrespect we showed , for the lewed remarks, for the burning stares, for the watering tongues , for the obscene gestures , for the millions present there who wouldn't even realise that this all happened.

So the match was fun , we even stole a few bottles of coke, well i guess those are the things that you do when u get a chance. We cheered till our voices were hoarse, we jumped till our legs hurt , we even tried the Mexican wave. If i get another chance i think id go maybe this time for the cricket, but if cheerleaders are there cant say i wont ogle , but ill try not to.

Good night.

Intro - spection

2008-04-21T17:04:00.002+01:00

Its really been ages since i wrote. Iv had loads to say over these days , but have been studying , well a lie , actually I haven't had the net for a bit now. So there it is i type once again. Here's how my life's been:

Its been a strange time , a time all alone yet not lonely , its been a time that i have tried studying for the Gmat and failed miserably at , well I think Iv had too much of it now, i just want to get it over with , and to tell u the truth I'm shit scared, but i guess that's alright too.

Its not the Gmat that really gets me here , its these restless times , i realise that over this time iv had too many thoughts and have done too much unconscious introspection. Not that it clears everything for me, or I have a better insight into the future, it just muddles it up a bit more.

Here are a few of the things that I have realised:

1) Age : well this is a strange question , how it catches up or rather seems like its catching up is amazing, not that iv gotten grey hair or back pain or any other tell tale sign of age , its just that i feel older , mature maybe but older definitely . The way I think , the things i do , the pace i live in all reflects it , and I wonder , how better it was .....

2) Love : well the simplest way to state it is that the illusions died , and reality surfaces, love at one time was something to be shared in multiples , I mean if i were to fantasize it would be in multiples , maybe not at the same time , but it was more about experiencing , and waiting for the right person, so on and so forth, well i think somewhere down the line that's all bull that we cover our eyes with. Now if i were to fantasize its more about one single person , maybe even children and well family. Some how the glamour and glitter of it has vanished, yes the romance of life stays , but the shinny bits have been trimmed. I think i like it better this way.

3) Work : I don't really know its not a question of not doin it ,works important and i realise at times how much I love it . But you know what i don't know why desire to teach it to someone is very strong , within me . i have strange ways of doing it though , but there is something to it . I would like at some point in life to be a teacher. But before that i think i need to be a student for a little more time.

4) God: he exists where only god knows , for what purpose i have no clue , but he is there somewhere. I cant really say i have much faith in him , but i know that i am scared of him.

5) Family : as of yet a set of parents for whom I'm a grown up now and a sister who's a little too rational and clear in mind. It seems like there s no one too really connect with now. I been hogwash my parents eyes till date , I'm studying hard I'm working hard and the whole lot of that , i think i do it to myself too at times . I'm tired of it now. I think iv lost touch with my parents of late , i really did connect with them while I was in Simla , but now that seems like a distant dream. I guess its just the. Id say with my dad I have connected well , and its him that i really enjoy talking too in our Sunday conversations. With mom i think she likes the television over me cant blame her for that.
Coming to the sister , as most of my friends know , when I'm not there there is very little that you'd know of me through me, and i guess its similar for my sister too, i haven't really kept too much in touch , id say . But yaa i think wer good at small talk.

6) Friends: Confusing most of the times the love hate relationship i have with my friends. There are a few who remain untouched by this and mostly on the love side , but there are a few that iv really hated at some point in life . I guess I'm closer to the people i hate , or rather spent more time with them . But they are all wonderful , different flavours , different colors , different lives and yet there all mine. hahaha

I thinks that's enough for today , wish me luck for the Gmat i need it , and well at least for starters iv gotten my passport.

GMAT Time Again

2008-03-25T16:21:00.002Z

Well its that time of the year yet once again when i decide to blow my money on something substantially important to me . Its time to spend money ion the Gmat , well unlike last year well it was last year, i am prepared this time prepared with my Passport. (Laughs at self), well
I guess one thing i learnt from that experience is the value of money and well the non importance of it at certain times. So here I am at the doors once again knocking and well this time there will be something out of it , I havnt yet taken a date , but im looking at it for the 25th of April . yeds right before my birthday and this is all cos i wanna party on my special day.

So what next , well started preparing once again , with just a bit of theory done and some more left , and all those prep tests to be taken i feel that im a bit shrot on time but then i had prepared to a fair degree before so im counting on remembring something from there. Well with it oiver i think ill have a better perspective on life and well not what if i had done it kinda thinking , i know it involves large sums of money and the future seems a bit uncertain after it all but i think this time ill take the chances, or rather I know it.

So heres to a brighter future im there already , hehehhe , ok but on more important note if the workload remains as shitty as it is right now , well i came back at nine , and well now im gonna study. anyways no ifs and buts about it im doing it.

It Rained in Hyderabad

2008-03-21T13:04:00.002Z

Today is supposedly Holi or so i believe, today is the festival of color , and all of a sudden the importance of context dawns on me. We live life in contexts and suddenly for me the context of family seems so important. I sit here on this festival doing absolutely nothing , going to work and achieving nothing there. However if i was at home, would it really have been that different , probably not, i would have sat at home and achieved nothing too, but the context of family, of home would have made it so different so much more festive. Or the compilation of friends all set to color me and me to color them , yet now there presence is negligible , and the fun all gone from the Festival.

Off late I seem to have gotten confused. I guess I'm in a transition phase from a non visionary to someone with a vision, what will dawn out of it I still haven't got a clue , but then that s what this transition , this discomfort is all about. It seems to be bursting out at the seams, and all i can do is dig in deeper. Well cant really say that I have actively participated in this search , In fact most of the times iv tried running away from it , in alcohol, in merriment and on the net. The final answer dissatisfaction and restlessness. It feels like something is going to happen if it will I'm happy to embrace it , or hopefully there finally would be peace. All I know is that the escape too is becoming unbearable.

It rained in Hyderabad today, a pleasant evening with clouds in the sky and the temperatures falling from their scorching skies, beautiful rain , of fresh water , the smell of wet soil , the breeze laden with drops, ah beautiful mother nature, ahhh fertility. It was cool like due like a mid summers dream. I went out in it got wet, happy holi guys , there were these kids innocent looking out of the hospital window , poking their little hands out to touch the rain and i was in it , I waved at them it brought them pleasure , and it made me happy too. A new beginning a fresh context the beautiful rain .

2008-03-17T09:40:00.002Z

Today has been one of the good days , got up early morning to a friends call, lazed around for just the right amount of time , received a good morning SMS from a close friend. Had a good breakfast , the egg broke a bit but came out well. Wore a nice shirt , got an auto just outside the house, met no traffic, work went smoothly in office , the boss lost it for a sec but thats ok , had a nice cup of tea, waiting for lunch , did good work .

Well i think some days are just perfect arnt they, and we dont even realise that its the simplicity of the good days that makes them good.

Hope you have a good day too.

2008-03-11T06:47:00.003Z

Hello , some of you who are avid readers of this blog ,or so i would like to dellude myself would have missed me. Iv been on vacation and well didnt feel like writing nothing on this blog .

Iv just come from two weeks of bliss at home, how the time was spent or how quickly it finished are relative terms and well cant really be answered, because as usual the vacation was too short and as to how the time was spent I dont have a clue.

As you might have gathered from my previous posts , I was in a state of well universal confusion when i Had last blogged , those things seem to have sorted themselves out as usual , now i face a new set of problems , ofcourse m but then they are so natural a part of life that it diont make much of a difference. Usual things which are bothering me now are ,

1) Loneliness , after spending 14 days with the family after a gap of one year makes me suddenly realise how lonely this existence is.

2) Boredom,- after 14 days of always having something planned to do , or rather something to do period, this coming back to a purposeless , task less job seems to be strange , I am pretty sure i would be able to fill this gap up soon

3) Lethargy - from a state of continuous pleasure and relaxation to a forced state of work , is presently being opposed by inertia , and well this is another thing that i would be getting over with in a day or two.

4) Dispacement - i would call it altered sensorium , everything feels so out of place so not the way it is suppose to be , so different , and i realise that all that thas changed is the way i see things. So anywyas i seem to be walking around in a different world at a different pace

5) My Laptops screens concked

6) Its just been 1 day in Hyderabad and I have severe loosemotions.

Well i know ill get through all of the above mentioned in due course of time .

Till then well i donty really know .

A Break Down at Hundred

2008-02-21T10:10:00.002Z

This is my hundreth post on this blog , and its a very important accomplishment for me , it tells me that im still free to say what I want to say in well Hidden ways , meaning something to some and nothing to others , but This post is special cos here i disclose to you some of it that I have hidden , which might have been very evident to some of u but i just have this urge to say it out.

I am bothered today, immensely upset. I have just done this course which is suppose to sort your life out and now Im seeing things in a different lite. A Change of perspective but the old ways stick with me and bother me to the extent of having a breakdown, so here i sit writing it all down in the middle of the working hour cos i cant really work now can I . .

All of a sudden the realisation dawns on me that my ego has become so swollen that im trapped with it in a room , every simple thing hurts me and i cant let go of the hurt. Wats so special about me , that i need to proove to others that im right , and here I can see so clearly that i am wrong , but i hold on to my rigtheousness and all it makes me do is to loose faith in whatever i believe. To tell you the truth im not even certain of what i beleive anymore. Its spoiling my relationship with my freinds , with my colleagues with my boss , with almost everyone.

Actually i want to be so perfect after the course that its actually creating problems .I was told that everythig we see is through coloured glasses, colored by our past and thats true Past can also be something which just happened in the morning , but thenmim still angry at the fact that im angry , angry at the fact that im not in sync with my boss, angry at the fact that i still have 3 more days to escape , and knowing that thinking this will make these three days miserable. Why do i not let go of it , because i choose to be hurt by them , i need to have a conversation with simeone and all im doing is conversing with myself. Its a vicious cycle and im fighting all alone in the middle of it all. Whos the enemy the world , no its just myself , internal demons id like to call them , they told us about them , and if you acknowledged their presence they would move away , and im not even being ab le to do that , i acknowledge them and then again put them in the category of right or wrong , good or bad, win or loose and finally i get so engulfed by them that i give up and escape from it in some work , or a different train of thought , till they come back again to haunt me.

Man am i confused right now . But im not going to fight anymore , i declare that to you all . I will give in and then there will be peace.

INSECURITY

2008-02-14T15:53:00.002Z

Its a new day I sit by my computer writing down something that iv thought about on the auto ride home, probably thats the place where I think now. Iv thought about how good life is and how bad it is at the same time , and feeling dawns on me that every one , every single person seems to be dissatisfied with life , every person is looking for his sort of excitement and not finding it, its just that some people are better at hiding their disgust or dissatisfaction.

Why I say this you might ask , i am basically stating what i see, I see hundreds of faces working day in and dayout, some for smaller packages some for a larger share of the pie. They lie to themselves every day that they love their jobs, they make themselves believe that they are doing something different and that they are happy, when in truth they are all looking for something. Its like we have become machines, doing the same routine chores, the same plesentaries , the same people and same life. Sometimes u need to run away from this reality , some choose to live and to believe in their warped worlds, while other just take skinny dips in it to refresh their souls, and some are blind to its healing sauve.

I have been choosing the mid path ever since i can remember. Why has the world become like this , because our relations are failing , its dosent matter anymore we have become self centred and selfish all of us . Actually thats not selfishness nor selfcenterdness, because if it were so we would crave for relations, its just that theres apathy in all we do now, in he way we live in the way we communicate. It burdens us day in and day out and we dig deeper into it, into our shells.

I am attending a course tomorrow,and for the next three days im probably missing a wedding and well missing the homecomings of certain friends , i think i wont make it and probably would anger them but i need it, i need some time alone , i need to fight my demons and be alive once again the way i was once . Basically this blog somewhere in the middle is about what i want from it , what i expect and my insecurities.

Im a little worried about what ill find about how id react about what id do and most of all about not getting wat i want from it. Its with aprehenssion that i take these steps, im looking for redemption and im scared i might looking for too much.

The course is basically suppose to be something which makes you connect your past your present and your future all togeather and then alter the future by correcting your past in the present. Pretty heavy huh, basically it tells you how to unfuck your life . Im not sure whether it works, there are a few people whov done it and they seem to recommend it to all, but thats part of their marketing gimic, and its kinda funny how they brainwash u into seeing yourself so cleansed that u propogate thei message for them. It could be redemption or it could be a cult. Ill take my chances this time. i wonder what ill turn into a success or a ravaging lunatic by the end of it. I think im still in control , but i know they can mess with u pretty good.

I think i dont care that much cos by doin this course id be someone different and iv gotten tired of what iv been , I basically want a change.

What im looking for from this course
1)Direction - if one needs to enjoy his / her work one needs to know whats forward and whats backward, and more importantly whats his direction. I think my compass has been messed around with too much to tune into this and thats exactly what i need to find out from this course. I might become a fakir , a kafir or well something really big , but i need to find out.
2) I want to move away from apathy from procastination - iguess iv lost the taste of life somewhere , theres no joy , and if its there its fleeting . i mean i know a job can give you joy but im not getting it anymore, i know a relation can but its tasteless, i need to know whats spoiling it for me. Where the apathy is coming fcrom , why i choose the mental degradation over everything else, why im loosing faith in mankind , and in myself.

Im not writing anything else because they are too personal and not as generalised, maybe one day i would. But ithink i got the crux of them all above

I guess the next i write ull know whether it worked or not till then adios

Cribbing

2008-02-12T07:58:00.000Z

Another Day another sunrise, another noon and then evening. The days been buisy in the smaller trivialities of Work . Its 4 right now and im a bit nervous, I am just about to commit to something that im not very certain of, well not commit but initiate the talk.

Over the past few days iv gotten more involved and more confused with life. The wait to go back home seems everlasting. The opportunity ahead seems threatening, and the ultimate goal is something that im not that certain of anymore.

And yet this confused life has never felt any better atleast not in the past year. I have become a phobic when it comes to major changes in life, i procastinate it for as long as possible , never ready to take the final plunge .

And then the change comes over me , its actually all a result of my past experience no matter what i tell to the world , its not that easuy to go through what i did , specially if you value yourself the way I do . Its easy to give advice but difficult to follow it.

But here we are batteling it out with new confidence levels , life at one time was so simple and pure and already it seems to have gotten tainted with its journey , worn out.

Ok this is not a good post but im signing off here cos im scared to crib anyfurther .

fuddies

2008-01-31T16:36:00.000Z

Who knew his life would change like that, here he was stuck , but with a plan , a plan to move beyond all of it, A plan to maybe one day reach what he had aimed for. He knew he was ambitious he knew he would never be satisfied. The question would always come back what next.

He was away from home living a life of a hermit, and the blocks that he imposed on himself made it no better. Was he disciplined no , all he knew was that there was a confort level to it. He knew he was taking things at his pace, but he also knew that the pace was slow, and if things didnt change he would loose out one day. He was waiting and the time had come , he had failed , and he was scared to move on.

He would sit in the corner dreaming of what would be , beautifully colored dreams in bright hues, filled with joy and success. And then would wake up and find himself at the same place. It had not worked out for him and his soul was stifelled , what he could have been no one knew and what he was no one cared.

Id write this one more but i dont think im in the right frame of mind to event put the options out clearly .

Actually id say there are three options open now all ohh so fucking difficult to take

1) Change (spontaneous) = Risk but could be really exciting , but could also be frightfully uncertain and worst case scenario could be frustrating and incapacitating.
2)Remain ( unplanned) = Risk could be monotonous but comforting , could also be frustrating in terms of velocity
3) The Dream ( Planned) = Risk would probably be exciting but then theres some uncertainity to it.

is there really a choice there I mean by the end of it i think i could play it on the dice .

managers of tomorrow fucking fuddies today .

My take on --------what ever comes to mind

2008-01-27T05:22:00.000Z

Good Morning , or rather afternoon, its 11:00 am and Iv just woken up, had my cup of tea and systems asking for one more. Bloody addictions in life. I was woken up with a call from a frantic colleague, about keys that i had which he was suppose to have, I don't really thing that's a very congenial way to wake up but then this is life and everything ain't perfect ( like my English here).
Its stupid how people at times shirk their responsibilities and blame it on other people , but if its his programme shouldn't he have remembered the keys yesterday , if im the Key master arnt people suppose to come to me for the keys , rather then me reminding them to pick them up.

Its kinda shocking a lot of things have been cleared in recent days, I met Putlur yesterday , hes this PT friend of mine in the US, they come down here with hoards if money, but with the US economy falling to some extent it ain't that rosy anymore. I mean think about it , the dollars fallen to 38 Rs. at best5 ud get 39 , a coffee in Starbucks costs you 2 -3 dollars almost equivalent to a similar coffee in Cafe coffee day or barista. Yaaaa Globalisation were reaching there rnt we. In fact there are certain standard things which at certain periods like Christmas sales are actually discounted to prices even unthinkable in India. Putlur s changed lots hes getting married to the gal he went out with in college, hes quit smoking, weed, hes started exercising and hes built up well. While in those times he use to talk bout scoring and shit like that now he talks bout the Chicago marathon and muscle milk shakes though all with this really nazal accent.

I met an American friend of his and well its like in the books with this specimen , they talk bout nothing else but football, and women. well just about, I took a liking to this fellow, his name is Taylor , man imagine after doing his Accounts in school, he did PT in ug and Health care management in masters and now hes thinking of going back to accounts at the same time giving an exam for a job in a Nuclear Power plant , where he'd be an operator, on job training , and what does he get bout 30$ an hour, that by the way my friend is equivalent to 1200 bucks an hour which when u work for 8 hours becomes 9600 Rs. per day . What says you not bad huh. And for what being an operator, not a scientist not a chemist , not a doctor an operator. I d not even compare that to the Indian scenario. Anyways this guys a bloody nice guy, probably scoring like crazy i know most of our Indian women would fall for him , its interesting to hear him out.

Well that's my international experience I thirst more of it now i can understand when people compare Europe to America how Americans are suppose to be warmer. I think that might be true, but i think their political view is pretty dumb. I mean being a super power and all is quite allright , but funding wars through your peoples money to an extent that economies fall , i think that's dumb.

At some level i think with progress their is also regress, and probably it might be important for us to learn the technique. What i mean by this is that as we are progressing all Humans , Indians , Americans, Europeans ( Though probably after everyone else) Chinese, rest of the world, probably need to relearn the ways of the past , the brutish barbarian natures of before., self centered and well not bound. But of course at the same time we would also be able to switch between our polished so called professional selves. So it would be like a composed identity of two opposite halves. I think that's how the worlds running right now and that's what we all need to become one day or to go extinct. Now that i think of it i Think anthropology might have been a good field for me cos most of my friends think im just a polished neanderthal . HEHEHE

a Wokmans day

2008-01-25T14:14:00.000Z

Its Just the time before work, I mean its been some time that iv been In the office now, have had my cup of coffee, have read the horoscopes in the daily’s, have gone through my bunch of mail. And made polite social conversations with my colleagues. Its basically one of those days when I don’t want to be rushed into working my ass off, I guess you can understand those days, when you want to take life at your pace.

So here I sit before I jump into the grind for another three four hours, This is the time when there is peace and well the time of anticipation, the time when strategies are made for the day and then reassesses at the time of leaving, to see how far you have achieved what you wanted to, I guess it’s a daily existence strategy the strategy to survive.

Well its bout 2:30 right now and, the world does not seem to be in a mood to work , and now is just bout the time that my working world or rather days breaking into pieces. Its been a Fuzz in the morning , some work got done , some half done some not touched. Unexpected new equations into the general work day, somehow u never budget time for the unexpected. Now its lunchtime and im just going to be off, but before that thought I d enter a few words. Well there’s a meeting at four, a design that needs to come in by 6 another to be finalized for Monday, a IOU for Saturday. Man this is shitty. ECG Crash course is going to be crashing for sure after all the stupid facilitators loosing interest.
Ok anyway did some more work, now im off for home goodnight

Abstract thought

2008-01-21T17:22:00.000Z

Well I just talked to a very close friend , felt awfully good, she gave me some good news and its always nice to be a part of that. The clarity scares me a bit to tell u the truth , but then i think iv just grown a bit old and well dispondent. New prospects now show failure rather than success , man i need one major attitude adjustment.

But then some of these friends bring out the old me in me and thats whats best about them.

I love u guys.

Now it begins

There is one cigarette left and a whole lot to say to the world. Its been good for the last few days very nice and calm and iv been waiting for the storm , i think its due soon , but then did I tell u guys I really love the storms. So i wait in anticipation for the first drops the cold winds and the beautiful rain .

Flight of Ideas reminds me of fertility , of new growth of blossoms and birds. Of freedom of blue skies, of flight, of nests, of homes , of family of friends, of good food, of beer, of bladders and soccer , of college and basketball, of gravel piles and dancing, of midnight strolls, of libraries, of promises, of brotherhood, of victories , of losses , of heart breaks and of love. Of the color pink , of marijuana, of seas and of sounds , Pink Floyd , and led zep , of doors and American prayers, of passages , of light , of god.

Well doesn't that contain the whole world in it or did i miss something aahhh yeah of lunatics and of me.

I think this is one weird post but it was fun anyway.

Goodnight.

Man follow that one if u can.

Good Day

2008-01-16T09:07:00.000Z

Hello Beautiful, well im back in the groove today , its been a good day , a buisy morning and the feeling of well worth is back with me . It feels nice to be back .

But then you bnever know the days still young , but i think prepared this time.

The analysis of the day

2008-01-15T15:44:00.000Z

I woke in the morning and i rose my weary head .... well thats how i got up today , actually maybe a bit beter , last night a friend had come over to spend the night we saw a few movies gulped a few beers and well generally felt happy.

I have been going thru these phases where, there are the good days , the bad days and the ugly days , and todays been somewhere between bad and ugly i guess. The way that i categorise these days is not somethng rational at all , for example a good day might be a really hectic day with a lot of work being done in it , and maybe even a failure somewhere. A bad day might be a nice relaxed day spent at home doing the nothings that we do so often.

Of late that empty feelings coming back again the purpose of life seems to have elluded me yet once again , and im back to the rudderless ship situation. But when i look at the whole picture i guess it aint that bad.

Ok so back to the day , it was a relaxed day , got up at nine , drank my cup of tea, logged into orkut / facebook, watched a bit of a movie, bathed and off for lunch to the friend's house mentioned above. Took some beer there had a bit of the good food watched some nonsensical television. Slept for 4 solid hours, took a walk , had some sweets at a mithai shop , for some strange reason reminded me of home. Came back , bought some food and well now i sit to blog.

Now tell me where do u see the ugliness in that , but i feel it deep inside you know , that was a day wasted and it dosent feel good. Yes I did need the rest, yes i did need the relaxation, but somethings missing from there , its one of those days when you know something is missing, but you cant quite put your finger on it. Its not love, not that i havnt thought bout it , but at present i feel a bit impotent in terms of love . Its not that importsnt right now, not enough atleast to go searching for.

Is it family? maybe yes its been almost an year now well actually somewhere bout 10 months, i dont quite remember ever staying away that long. I feel that i let them down sometimes , but then they are family they never have any qualms about it. Worrys yes , a lot of worry bout me, but angetr no way man only unconditional love. Its kinda sad to see that you know, i mean i want to return it , i really do from the inside , but then i get stuck somewhere in the middle in work , with friends, with love and somehow it just dosent come out.

Money Yes definately a part of it , but then moneys not been that important either so as to cause so much unrest, yet if i owed people like fifty thousand rupees that would be scary but thats not the way it is right now. i show a bit of a negative balance at present but then its all cos iv lived a good life , im ok with it , but i do think there are certain things which would change im pretty sure of it actually.

Friends , at present im running away from most of them. I like some of them i hate some of them. For reasons maybe unknown to me , or maybe known but not believed. Im not really in the mood to communicate with friends at present , yet some of them i can have a bit of a conversation with, and it feels good, but that desire to get in touch with them is not there at present , just a phase it will be over. Strangely enough if i look at it my friends in hyderabad, they are very limited . But for reasons unknown i have become veryu close to a few of them. But they are not really picker uppers if u r sad there reactions increase ur sadness, shouldnt it be opposite.. To negative at times, to grounded at others man im confused.

U know what really brings me down i think its the loss , the loss of me of what i use to be , of what i had become . I mean iwont really say i have regressed , but i have just learnt some really strange dirty things which im not very happy bout. The limitations that shackle me, the responsibility that i so splendidly assume that i shoulder, though i know somewhere im running away from it all. The pretence of having a normal rational existence when i know that i just can t exist normally. The pretence of success of happiness, of gain , of loss . im tired of the pretence. Im tired at loosing my ability to travell in local busses, trains, on excursions alone . Im scared that one day i wont be able to give myself good company , i think its already becoming like that. i need people all of a sudden , the loneliness never use to be there befor , but now it comes like a cold wind.

It the cold winds that define my day .

O k i guess iv hads enough of the sdoul searching it has felt good so ill stop here maybe to be continued some other day . Till then adios amigos

Just another night

2008-01-10T11:13:00.000Z

Well last night i went out to 10 D , i think the place is loosing its charm , but to tell you the truth it never really had any charm for me.

Sitting there I realised how inconsequential all of this is , I mean me being there sitting with strangers I call friends , drinking some booze and well just waisting time. I knew there were more important things to be done but at that moment they didnt really matter.

The beer was cold and the music nice , the girls around were all engaged with other men , seeing through them at other men, leaving a smile here a glance there but never comitting anywhere. The dancing was also not that great , but the smoke was nice , grape flavoured hooka and good times are back.

A few mugs down , and the haze was translucent , It was as if the music had stopped for a bit , but they kept on playing. Business deals were done across a cigarette , and well there was nothing else left except for making small talk , not talking from the heart rather talking from the lip. sweet talk about greatnes and knowledge , enriching experience youd think , but it was all flacid . Hardly limped down the coridoor of mouth , shy to come out , yet proud . Like a young pretty girl looking at you across the corner.

There was this gang of men , danced really well , it was a beauty to look at them for that bit that they danced together , coordinated like synchronisedd swimmers actually looked like dancing bears on speed.

The homecoming - goodbyes are usually sad but this one felt good there was enough alcohol in me to last the night. What next a good dinner of half organised ( as i dont cook) meal ., a stupid Jam sandwitch , how pathetic. So after the excuse of a dinner that i had i nicely passed out on a bed .

The morning after - Wat the fuck, stupid hangover , felt as if someone was playing the bloody base guitar in my head. Throbbing gentle but continuous. It didnt matter if i was alive or dead i just weanted to sleep . And then the Angle came and woke me up and broughjt me to work.

Works good , i enjoy it every moment of it till bout this time when i start fagging out . Need to get out , another dinner meet tonight another night of dizzy alcoholic splurge , and that would be the end of another day .

Lifes passing me bye pretty fast isnt it , ill probable blog tommorow too bout the wierdness of life.

The year 2007 crests and troughs

2007-12-31T12:16:00.000Z

As the year comes to an end like all obedient bloggers and more for personal reasons i record below as objectively as possible the happenings of 2007

Family : Supported by them, lived of them maybe let them down a bit but in the long run established good ties once again. Failure at times can be a bonding factor and the year 2007 has been overall an year of failure for me . Everytime I have failed i have gone to my family for support and have received unconditional suypport for them. This is to thank them for what ever they have done. Though throughout the year I spent only 15 odd days with them , they have been my spine throught the beating that i have taken this year. And the love and respecvt that i have towards them has only increased. So overall id say a 3 out of five for this particular segment of my life

Work : The year started on rough weaters, three months into the organisation that i worked for and i was trying to find my place and security. Alas neither was at hands reach. Idrowned in feb and to tell you the truth the felling was pleasent , it was the feeling of being unburdened , the feeling of lightness. In March itself after a 15 day honeymoon , i was back at work , more determined than ever, and ever since it has been good. Reached my target effectively, though failed to create a sustainable self growing symbiotic environment. There were phases of Intoxicatingly enticing activities and then the dull moments in life the last two odd months saw me getting detached from work and more involved with GMAT.

But then the two months worked at went down the drain because of a stupid ignorance and oversight. So to conslude the yeqar 2007 was disastrous , It began on a low note and ended almost dying.

Relationship : Love was never found again only lost in the very begining of the year. Nothing else really happened , made no efforts , sustained singularity and self pity, end of the year love is not that important anymore.
Friendship: some died and some were rekindeled. Spoilt my relationship with a few close friends I think was uncomfortable with their proximity. Rekindled frienship with a few friends who had not kept in touch, who were far away , decvember in particular was the month were i met some of the people that i really liked meeting. But there was this saddness which had crept in, but yet it felt good. So for friendship i would say it was a mixed year. By the way the support that i received at the end of the year in terms of for my GMAT was amaizing it feels really good to know that so many people care.
Colleagues: Distances grew indifference crept in , Friendships falterd and we still exist .

Health : Detoriated the failure to succed in any other aspect of life left me drawn to the end of my resources, filled with alcohol and smoke , theres nothing much that the body could do. It was an year of complete abandon , nothing was checked and no efforts made.

Travell : Went to a place that i wanted to visit for a long time , Manipal , it still had the charm that had enticed us young people ages ago. But well this time it was a bit tarnished with a taste of evil , i blame it to me. Wanted to spend more time living in the past but the present was calling all along , and so finally i moved to its call. Rest was al lrelated to work, Nagpur though tentative felt good as this time i was in control and not the othwer way round.

The Blog : this is completely subjective , the blog which had died an year ago found its life again, creative juices flowed and the writing became better , still not reached the cresendo that one day it will , but then the melodys returned to it.

ME: Emotionally exhausted, physically tired, a bit of a failure, yet a dreamer. Whether good or bad the decisions were mine the ignorance was mine and so were the results. Not satisfactory though but important , learnt a bit faltered a lot , felt sad felt happy. The year saw a change in me , saw some seriousness creeping in , saw some lightheartedness coming in. I was empowered and I failed , but that s nbot the end , thats just a delay , yes i hate the oppertunity cost , but ill live.

So if u people are worrying bout me dont cos im good, I dont really know its not indifference , i think its detemination. Somehow i feel that i have connected with myself this year lets see.

Wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year

Shashwat

GMAT goes down the drain

2007-12-30T18:36:00.000Z

Well I write here in my complete senses, rather a bit of numbness is coming over , as i have been raving about it, I am all set to give my GMAt tomorrow, and to score the promised 650 plus score. Alas however this seems to be an abandoned hope now.

After bout two months of preperation , well putting in a bit extra work didnt slog but did work, i feel that now it is in my fait that i will not give my exam tomorrow, and also that i wont get admission into any Business school this fall, and all of this because of my stupidity .

I write this blog controlling this urge to shout and to get angry with the world, with the cicumstances , with my stupidity. But I think ill let it go this time. Ill blame fate for it and walk out on life , everytime i have done something or rather tried doing something to go abroad it has failed. Its not in desperation that i write this but rather in anger. First it was the cpmc or HPC wathever the shit , i was fast to act and well i paid for it , the board name changed and i got screwed in the middle. and now its the stupid GMAT, I was slow on the uptake and well I probably will fail at this too.

You see i dont have my passport with me right now, neither do i have a photostate of it. So in effect i dont have the valid proof required. To add to these circumstances my parents are sitting in Europe , so even if on an urgent basis i was to request for a fax to be sent, its not possible, my parents from here leave to America and basically im royally fucked for the next two months.

What does all of this do to me, it makes me stronger they say , well im not to sure maybe it does. It makes me wanna prepare better , to choose the Bschools I want to go to , to live live like a fool for a bit and then to give the gmat again in another two months , bye bye Fall admissions.

It hurts , though i wasnt prepared in terms of the surity that the people who really want to get there have , infact i was a bit hesitant bout the schools not certain where i stood a chance, but sometimes u need to take a risk , and well i think thats what lifes trying to teach me over the past one year , i was trying god this was a risk for me. But any ways i think i have become a bit harder, i have learnt how to accept it better.

So my POA for tomorrow, to walk over to the place ask them to take me in show them my other IDs and well if it works lifes back to the same struggle of looking for Bschools and meeting deadlines. If it dosent work then i have to accept that it didnt work and try to move on , i think i will still look for the Bschools and them maybe travell to get my transcripts , after two months sit for the stupid GMAT score a 750 this time and then move on to the Spring session.

Lord please make note its takes more than that to break me and yes it does make me stronger , but then dont overdo it OK .

Reminiscence

2007-12-25T07:35:00.000Z

It’s been over an year now, yet for some strange reason I come back to her personal space yet again and again, searching for what? Maybe a hope that has long died, maybe just some news on what’s happening in life, maybe a glimpse of something that I knew.

It was a quick period, filled with passion. They were dangerous times, life and death, morality, individuality, Career, Religion everything at stake, yet I took the chance and fell flat on my face.

Its really strange at some level how I can think about it with such clarity and such detachment now. The pleas no longer resound in this body, the way they use to an year ago. Iv made my peace with lord, stopped being angry and accepted fait as it came. Iv moved on to this new emptiness, which though dark is yet comforting. Iv come a long way.

Emotions are a disaster most of the times and yet time after time we let them control us. New resolutions made now, new direction adopted, new hopes dreamt off and still the past lives in us. It’s never a clean slate is it? That whiff of air, that twinkle of an eye, that perfumed breath, the luscious body on a stranger in the balcony, on the road, in your head all of it brings it back suddenly. A glorious Sunrise , a dance move, a jog in the park . hahaha

The point here is not the Present but the glorious past, it’s kind of strange how it brings joy to me now, not the notion of not having, but the notion of having had. That’s the brilliance of it all. So here I take a cigarette break to break the monotony of Daily toil. A cup of coffee, a bit of sunshine and reminiscence brings it back again , those days of Passion , those days of joy, those days of having lived dangerously.

Would I live them again yes I would, a million times and more , to reminiscent yet once again of what I was before.

Merry Christmas everyone

Why I Exist

2007-12-10T18:53:00.000Z

The Question is not how I Exist it is why I Exist, it’s a nice Sunday morning not to sunny and I sit at my table (borrowed) sipping a nice cup of tea. The hangover from yesterday completely clouds my memory of an evening well spent. The women were pretty and as for me I don’t really remember.

I hate it when I cant remember things from the night before and that’s why the morning is like this. I sit here planning my Sunday and all I can think of is sleep, which of course won’t come. My Gmat’s coming close and the party scene has just begun, too many nights out and too many days of drunken stupor.

On days like today after a well earned hangover I always wonder where I am going. I don’t really know maybe too much of alcohol and a hangover make me introspective. But the truth is I really get pissed with my present status. I mean working away from home, living like an outcast and working like a dog all these things make me want to throw up now. I want to move into richer quarters closer to home , but what I have planned for is moving out of the country completely.

Ill tell u a truth that not many people know, im not to sure, im not to confident, im a little shackled by my inhibitions. I don’t even know if I want to be out of India, if I want to experience a different culture, if I can study again, if ill succeed.

Ok so let’s look at my goals –

To go to America and do an MBA (this fluctuates to other countries at times), and sometimes I really think I wont achieve it and its on the top of my priorities as I feel I can accomplish my other goals through this.

2nd Goal to become rich – this ones such an uncertain goal for example I was rich yesterday as for today im poor and tomorrow god knows , u get the drift there is a goal but no action plan , I guess ill rob a bank . But then lets not give this too much thought all I know is I want to be rich, rich enough to take my parents on a World tour,to buy a car, to drink my kind of beer in my kind of places and also to visit my friends when I feel like it.

3rd to be with my parents enough of independence I want now to be close to my parents . To be scolded by them in person not the way I am now, not a bloody mongrel I n a different city, I want to be the top dog in my city , ya sadly enough im not to sure which city that is. And more importantly it’s a city where my parents will be with me.

4th I want to be in love. I feel that without love u r incomplete, empty and well all the half filled things that’s possible. Its very important for me to be in love with someone, and she reciprocating my love in her ways. I feel that at 27 I should have done something about it but then there’s nothing happening im meeting boring people, im getting too drunk too often and im basically wasting a lifetime.

5th I want to learn something new everyday , at work, in life , a sentence, a word, a process, an idea, a game, a joke a limitation ,an ability. This I feel is something that’s not happening at all I want to learn life and it just wont happen because people are to busy doing today what they did yesterday, even me I had a drink yesterday so ill do it today, and the same for work , I am not living my work im existing in it. I will do loads of new kinds of work but in the end they are all repetitions of what I did yesterday.

6th I want to become fit, not good looking or some super-cool dude, all I want from life is a certain level of fitness, the ability to run a Half marathon , doesn’t matter where im placed by the end of it. The ability to dance Salsa in the middle of the night and not even feel a bit of it going through me. The ability to go on a hike, Mountain climbing, scuba dive, swim. Now there’s nothing in me which prevents me from doing it , but im not doing it, too pushed for time, to lazy for it too .

Last but not the least I want to quit Smoking, its killing me , I know that but every time I think about it all I want to do is light a cigarette and think about it.

I agree u don’t have to be Einstein to know where u going but then u need to give it a thought once in a while, at least as fore me I suck at it. But now that I have this on well a computer screen ( in olden days it would be in black and white or on a piece of paper) and now that u who read my blog know about it I think there might be some motivation .

Oh shit by the way my last wish to learn how to slow dance, the walts, the foxtrot, balls to the salsas, that’s all I need. Well not really id like to learn how to dance.

So resolutions set well before new-year, its time that I start the action.

Love u all and a Merry Christmas to u all and a glorious New Year.

(Any free ladies call me remember goal number 4).

Health Care and me.

2007-11-27T04:45:00.000Z

I'm a Health care professional for people who dint know it , for the rest of u it doesn't really matter. I thought of this blog in the morning. After waking up having my cup of tea. Its a chapter out of my life nothing that incidental , nothing that astonishing just something which happened at work.

The Health care industry in India is an exploding industry , with a few players fighting it out to conquer it all. They seize every opportunity to expand to add facilities, and finally the ultimate goal to make the money they pump in and a bit more. Now Health care till a few years ago was not a very lucrative business, with very large break even periods, the money u pumped in took ages to come back and when it did probably interests could have gotten you that. But then Humans decided they wanted to do something exciting so they started smoking, Sat on computers rather than meeting friends and well drank lots of Booze and then of course as their life's got buisy so they couldn't cook they started eating hamburgers , pizzas basic fast food, got fat and started having Heart attacks like there was no tomorrow. And the Business turned profitable, there were other lifestyle diseases , there was Joint Replacements there were accidents and all of this led to money.

So here i sit out of a Desk in a Hospital and see it all and how i see it i speak it. The whole game is about numbers of employees, cases, revenues and expenses. Now Health care is a field which is highly humanised, i mean agreed there is a lot of technology mixed with the Humans , but by the end of it all it is Humanised , that's the side people most see , clinicians talking to their patients, nurses talking to their patients, taking care of them , every part of it is about care atleast that's what i think. And this is an integral part of it, with alot of money spent on training , on Customer relation Management, and all of that . But then by the end of it have u ever thought it all requires money and the money comes from the common customer.

So let us now see the other side of tit the slightly darker side. When u work on the different side of the spectrum u talk only money , cases , revenue. For example if a person i know , whom i have smoked with come to the hospital complaining of chest pain ( This is just an acquaintance). I take his ECG and show him to the cardiologist , the cardiologist says hes having a heart attack. First thought man is he gonna die not in my hospital please. Second thought what can be done , OK Primary angioplasty with a normal stent as hes poor equates to 100,000 Rs. Ahh revenue earned and then life saved .

Now We take a decision he requires it , we ask him he agrees , the doctors scared him enough and i guess unknowingly i have been a part of it too. man u alright don't worry but u could have died you know. So we wait for the family , till that time i talk to the boss arrange for discounts , right now I'm not even sure the patient will be admitted and here i am thinking of discounts for him. OK i see the procedure not cos i know the patient but rather to make sure the doc doesn't use a very expensive Stent ( The patient is poor u see) and if he cant pay it would be embarrassing and the company will loose money. The patient is fine i see him off in the ICCU shit today GMATs gone down the drain . OK but hes safe. Hes grateful, we haven't taken a single penny till now , hell deposit it tomorrow , no tensions, if he doesn't deposit , well hard luck he will have too. My jobs done lets have a beer.

While I'm leaving he thanks me, and i see that he really means it, hes on the verge of tears and well he almost makes his son, probably 4 years younger than me, touch my feet. But then at that very moment i hate myself the most. Not cos i conned him , because i didn't , he could have waited till tomorrow had another heart attack and died. Not for the care provided cos it was efficient , expertise , not for the money involved cos actually ill be giving him a genuine discount, but cos at all these moments i never thought we were talking about a life , for me it was always revenue.

So be careful my friends sometimes Business comes so much in the forefront that we forget the very component that makes us Human. Compassion. I did all that was required i gave reassurance and it was convincing , but never did i realise that i had been part of saving a life. This is what has happened over the past 2 1/2 years. I have buried a few , i had cried for a few and at other times i haven't even realised , now if someone starts crying in the hospitals , i don't think a deaths happened i just think man shut up you willscare all the other people away.

Well I know this probably would be forgotten tomorrow but atleast at the moment i pledge that somewhere in the middle of this all, i will find my soul .

Sunrises and sunsets

2007-11-17T12:58:00.000Z

Lifes a slow train at present , through a dull town with one station resembeling the other. I mean ever since i have take the decision to give Gmat , its been similar , either full of cramming , or guilt for not cramming , and the beers they seem to have taken a major back seat. To add to this the bloody television , i really wonder now how i lived without it . i mean now i have absolutely no idea how to spend any free time , i mean lets say the dinner break between the studying i switch on the dumb TV and with no cable connection look at the blank screen , it somehow makes the food go down easier.

But then im not really complaining im kinda fantacising after so long now, i remember doing it when i was a kid, somehow we all grow over it , i mean now even in my fantasies there are reality checks. now thats a scary thought on limitations. Imagine of dereaming and dreaming the way you want to dream and then suddenly realising its not really possible as life usually sucks and theres no other way about it.

But then every morning is an adventure , I wake up and the skys beautifull, i dont wakeup to see the sky but its part of this routine that i have formed , i have my tea in the varandah , and the sunshines so brightly. One thing particular to the mornings is the shining sun and the cold breeze it reminds me so much of winters back home. I close my eyes and for a few seconds i m back in Shimla, a few years back takin in the sun after this drive , the only difference its evening and the suns setting over the mountains a beautifull view, i stop the car to take a smoke , it feels so good and here i stand with my cup of tea and look at the sunrise and wish that it were a sunset in a different town. And even the thought of it sets me free to fantasize yet once again.

I Go to school

2007-10-27T13:57:00.000+01:00

History may repeat itself , but then there are certain new chapters that you encounter in the book of life which tintilatingly surprise you . I had one of those days today , not work wise , truly speaking it was something that i never thought i could relate to.

So here goes

I planned out a meeting with one of my colleagues a mother of two fairly young children . The whole Idea behind the meeting was to learn new marketing techniques , so we went to a centre which had called her for well showing their premises and talking some money matter . It was interesting , but fairly common practice with nothing really innovative about it except for maybe the farewell gift a stress ball shaped like an astraunot. Now where the connection lies in Astrounauts and Back pain clinics im not too sure , but it was a nice gift.

Now to the more interesting part , she was to attend a seminar after that for young parents on early education , again a marketing gimic by one of the preschool schools, in fact this was a regular school . But its here that i realised what all we had missed out on . We had to pose as husband and wife to escape a double registeration fee, on top of that i found myself to be a father of a 2 yr old son. Thankfully the son wasnt there otherwise i would have had to pay seperately.

Now I remember my school days with the nursery rhymes and the counting lessons and of course the alphabets and all of that . But this was so different the strategies the methods they have changed so much .

To begin with this centre had various areas, the ADL Area ( Activities of daily Living area) the Coordination corner, the language corner, the numbers corners , the mathematics lab, the craft room, the Toys section and finally a reading room.

Here children are taught the ways to unleash the hidden poitentials within them and to tell you the truth i believe that with such an early start fotr them, they are much superior to us. I mean imagine to look at a random collection of dots on a card and having this ingrained ability of knowing exactly how many dots there are on the bloody card. If i was to count the dots it would take me bloody two minutes to do it , but these kids are taught how to read like that.

I may have gotten beyond myself here. Its probably something which us grownups will never learn cause it was never taught to us like that. I mean our number concept was completely based on the symbol for that number eg the number two is signified by 2. But in actuality the symbol 2 has no meaning of its own unless we say 2 people . 2 pencils. To these kids the concept is taught the other way round they are told this is one pencil and these are2 pencils , this is how we write 1 and so on and so forth. So finally there observation skills are horned in such a manner that rather than having to count the number of dots on the card the dots register themselves as a number itself. I mean there were stories of children knowing exactly how many plates where ther in a stachk , or rather how many cows where there in a herd, amaizing isnt it. I didnt quite have a live demonstration of this, however i was showed the card for 93 and believe me if i was to sit down and couint those dots i might not have been able to do it.

Another surprising discovery , If I was to Shout out Louds to the World " A for ................" i guess about 97 % of the responses id get would be Apple. But then a is also for Ape, Apple , Arshiya, Aligator so on and so forth. I mean why do we have a mental block to that all. A very Simple thing cos we were taught to think that wauy . I mean a was always for apple and B for ball. And then we all grew up and were told by our intelligent professors, bosses etc to think out of the box , to use latteral thinking, multidimensional thinking and so on and so forth. Now imagine if we were not restricted in the concept stage what could have been.

Another example Learning of Languages, now this is something that im really bad at, now imagine this you are born and your mom tells you ok now im gonna teach u hindi, kanadda, malyalam, Assamis etc ( Mother language) A, B , C, D . But thats not how we learn the mother language , we listen, then we understand, then weimitate write and then we read and so on and so forth. However whenever we try to learn a new language say English we end up going the opposite way, i mean writing, reading , speaking, understanding etc. You get the drift. No woneder half of the indian population does not have the propper English speaking skills , and people like Naati are teaching IELTS classes.

Ok now this Post is getting awfully long. So ill stop here but isnt it amaizing to see how the worlds progressing with 10 yr olds creating new learning devices and fuddies life us baffled by tit all.

It was nice to see these young couples taking time out on a saturday moring to invest in there kids , to learn something new , there was so much concern. Ofcourse there was also a bit of stupidity there too, and i wondered how their kids would survive , but i guess with this new learning its a whoile new ballgame and finally the human might have arrived , not bounded by collapsed outdated concepts

Some self thought , i realised that thoughh i didnt know the correct techniques on learning or behaviour therapy, I would make a good father someday, it felt good to know that.

blame it on me

2007-10-24T12:17:00.000+01:00

The Spirit , is indistructable but the times are harder, the sinews are restless but theres no action, the seas are calm but the storms are brewing and im stranded in the middle somewhere hoping for the miracle , waiting for the final voyage to begin.

Preperation is more in the head then anything , but why then is everything a blank .

Iv been bothered for the past few days , dissatisfied and inactive it seems as if inertia as taken over me. The ability to move do something new is blocked and there i am back in the circles of existence . From a yesterday to a today to a tomorrow all a bit too similar , to familiar and all too lonely.

I wonder if its being alone which causes it or rather the inertia which cuases the being alone. It seems like i end up having the same confused conversations within my head and maybe even with the people i know. And then there is the selfconfidence faked to prevent people from peering in to close.

It seems like im loosing a battle , the battle of life and with every blow i take i fake a smile to show that im all intact. With every second a part of me is dying but then isnt thet true with most of u.

The ability to love lost , the ability to work lost , the ability to care lost and finally the vegetative mess left behind. Breathing , alive but dead , moiving acting , living but dead . Goiintg through the routine rigors of live but dead so dead inside.

The embers , the warmth , maybe its the soul thats dying but is that possibble.

Well todays been one of those days when nothing really happens but you just dont feel right. But then lets see whats to be cos after all tomorrows a new day altogeather.

Just a book is it

2007-09-28T16:11:00.000+01:00

Lifes the strangest of misteries isnt it, I mean from waking up in the morning to even what could happen in your dreams nothings certain and yet all that we search for is control .

Iv been reading this book Shogun, by James Caverell . I took it up cos of Kill Bill II , its really cool , the movie but then the books even cooler. Noww one whos not paid attention to Kill Bill might ask me how r the two related except for maybe the Samurai Swords, but the truth is they are. The child , Uma thermans daughter lifes watching Shogun. Another movie that i remember showing it was in The body guard another beautiful movie.

The books great . Its so political with great consiperies and drama and yet everything is so simple. The life the fights the honor and the deaths. everything inside it is facinating a new work , a new adventure.

I recommend it to all

A Reply to a question not asked yet.

2007-09-27T14:54:00.000+01:00

Well not directly atleast.

As usual i Havnt had a conversation the heart to hearts that keep u going for a long time , for a matter of fact not event the barely decent ones. But then does everything need to be said or spoken , or for that matter of fact conveyed.

I guess the best way to deal with it is in written , and even though we try to be discrete and well matterof fact, things just come out. How heavily the disillusionment has broken u, how quick its come to an end. What good has come out of it and whats left behind.

Its kind of sad to seem men and women break into these fragile beings , untrusting and unconcious , half dead at times , because of living with too much fear. Animals but not in herds alone oh so alone, waiting looking hoping and then realising that its not worth realising. Thats what its all about isnt it.

Oh what great spirits , well not quite broken not at the surface atleast , you think that they would survive and then you realise that you were wrong , the surface might have just gotten scratched but inside the pains intense. When will it be over this pain , this loneliness.

Iv already met too many people who are in this state specially in recent times. I have seen too many breakoffs . and all have surviveds with pain in the heart , and for some in the butt.

I am not to sure about myself anymore about my loyalties and my ability to love but then one thing im sure off i am not afraid of it , of the pain and whatever it causes .

I feel some are not ment to exist in harmony but then that one moment could be a life time couldnt it. But then there could be somany moment that we pass through .

I still feel though that love should be like a Rock , immovable , undestructable anwell unperishable.

resilience

2007-09-20T11:11:00.000+01:00

Crazy rush the past few days , with the Stupid T20s going on sleeping is a thing of the past. Yes there are still a few fans left , im not one of them im just stupidly addicted to cricket in general. I mean i remember even bloody watching the county matches. Anyways life continues and we battle it out like tru gladiators, the misdirected Auto , the completely hillarious insult, and in the middle of it all we play with Lacks and Lacks of money. You suddenly realise that when u end up giving discounts worth 92000 , man what a rush . To tell yopu the truth u feel like a choot but then i guess thats a part of it.

Lifes good otherwise filled with nothingness as usual but then the hopes there that one fine day i will wake and then ill have this golden path in front of me , which ill not miss.

I have been having this crazy conversation with my self about the resiliance of the Huiman Body as mine falls apart , maybe it wsa the human spirit which again is another story altogeather. Anyways this is a breif on what i think , we are so bloody adaptive i mean be ait a sardar living in Kerela or a mallu living o nthe moon which is very possible , well why go so far lets take me for an example a himachili living in Hyderabad , Ok agreed almost a metropolitan city but man u can see it so much not when ur here , i mean still the breakfast you get of the roads not wada pao or omelet bread , its plain wada and dosa adn idly and so on and so forth. And no matter how much they try to call it the Fulkas , chapatis and all of that end up having some strange oil on it. And then theres the culture pretty right in itself but i suddenly realised how different when i saw the shock o nthe face of a colleague when i winked at her. Man talk about it. And man talk about the attitude, i mean that of a simple bandi wala ( roadside shop on wheels) to bloody AVP of big software companies man its bloody uncouth ud think, but then slowly it sinks in thats the nawabi that the nawabs left behind. I mean in recent days iv had more threats of kidnappping than at any other time in my life. And people lie all the time pathalogical I think.

and yet im surviving , and theres no problem. The Biryanis wonderful, the Idlis might not be great but then the wadas and Mysore bhajjis are not bad, the culture might be different but yet it is nice at some level i mean when you go to someones house or just the simple conversations you have. The JNawabis left but then so is their Hospitality, and well some of them are really genuine. As for lies isnt it every where nowadays and how does it really matter if the other guiys slightly dellusional, atleast he has the balls to show it while he retains his sanity.

And thats how it goes no matter where we are we survive in fact we even thrive , thats the beauty of it all isnt it.

Just some gyaan

2007-09-15T11:33:00.000+01:00

Well havent i been writing a lot in the recent past man its like these ideas flowing through my brain , agreed most of these have been stupid complaning and moaning .

If i was to criticize my own blog id say its bloody repitative and there seem to be these favourite words of mine which i just kep on repeating. Basically this whole activity began as a release for my creative energy , which now seems to have exhausted, so though im dry i still continue , hoping id produce magic one day .

Well i guess today might not be the day , but then thats human spirit isnt it never to give up to go through it all and to live to tell the tale.

I had this interesting conversation well a morsel of it in my starved solitary life with this girl in Hospital Admin , shes a fresher maybe bout 4 months in work and well she reminded me so much of wat it was like to be there at that time. Well its ajust a different me in a different time zone and tomorrow there would be another me in another time.

People say i have grown and i dont mean just in dimensional measures , but rather matured after this stint of mine , i think iv become more morose and less lively . I perceive the change but what drives the change is something that i havnt yet caught onto . And yet there are those who dont change at alll ( HAHAHAHA) I dont think theres anyopne like that actually i think alll of us chnge over periods and well its strange how things get slotted by themselves into the good the bad and the ugly .

Innocence

2007-09-15T11:29:00.000+01:00

Lost in wilderness the days of yesterday , forgotten, forgiven , forsaken, damned and doomed to a today to a tomorrow, filled with sorrow.Yet we live on in innocence so pure that nothing will and could hatrm us u and me a one that will be like that forever and ever.This is an incomplete post it will be completed the day i am complete....

Feel my heart it's ever bleeding,through spear and thorns...I gave you pardon...Won't you take my hand..And hold it, as we fly away...I will be there if you called me now...I will run 'til I could run no more...I will hold you and renew your innocence...Won't you take My Love...And forever you will live again...Tell me, can you hear? the melody is in the air around me, showing me the only way...Tell me, if i go...Will you cry for me? But now I'm hungry for your love...tell me,Your face up in my mind...Who says that "love is blind"? your beauty caught me unaware...your smile carries me away...This lovely place reminds me of the first time I saw you...Take my hand and you will never repent...I'll take you to places never seen before...Dreams and reality can be together...life is too short, we can't wasted our time... I'm losing my mind....you make me loose my innocence... it was loving me...it was touching me... it was hurting me...And the future will say...I held you in my heart from days of paradise...you're my first thing every morning...Electrifying female...Take my hand...you make me loose my innocence.

People Places, Life what a blurr

2007-09-12T13:16:00.000+01:00

Dont you feel sometimes your driving down this Highway real fast and the breaks dont really work , no matter whats new no matter whats happening you just pass through it all and all thats left is a blurr.

I rember the people i use to see , i remember them in small ways , things which just hit you once in a while . A smoke with a friend under the local tree with the freindly neighbourhood mutt wathing you as you blow smoke rings . Insane conversations and at times comfortable silences . Confessions and degressions , pure love and even purer hatered. man those were the good old days , when you actually stopped and saw the world.

It seems to be something out of the past , something that i still am aware off , everything else is a blurr. The past two and half years , maybe a bit before that or maybe my complete life there are only these small memmories which piece it all togeather .

Maybe its something particular to me , for example i know of many who know things in complete immaculate detail, as for me i just know it was done , how and when and where , with whom some questions that i dont really have answers too.

Maybe it was not that importan, mayb it wont be that importan, but then at some level i feel History is imoportant even if its filled with just minorities. I mean atleast it lets you know where you coming from.

I mean yes there was Manipal and ther was Mumbai , but then the freshness of it is not as strong as it should be. Was it not that important for me , am i still waiting for that most memorable event to happen .

Man a little confused here, people acan just rattle off thesestories from their past , these memories of when they were kids , i cant remember all of those . The blurr returns adn nothing really matters .

Can you actually beleive this living in the moment and well the pasts a complete blurr of pfaces places and nothingness.

A hundred years

2007-09-06T14:53:00.000+01:00

A hunder years and something longer, i dont quite remember the song but thats what is humming in my head , and thats how faraway i have been from this site. Walking in illusions in a dellusionally warped world where nothing is as it appears to be and nothing really is anything . Talk about abstract mann aint i the king.

I was pulled towards writing in fact i did write something on the misery of the world , another bomblast and life resumes as it is , as itn was always meant to be. When i think bout it it is that way though individually we may get broken down but as a whole humans are pretty resilient no wonder we rule the world , or atleast thats what we think.

Anyways, what all has passsed in the period that is now a blurr, well i guess ill put in the things that i wanted to write at some level at some time , a fragile relationship becoming even more delicate , freindship i loose faith in you every day , infedility breaks in and takes over all the troops and they laugh about it and justify it all the same forgetting what is meant to be . Sitting there and wondering how the next generations going down the drain and well never really realising how low we have become. A patient riding on the wagon of trust till hes kicked off because ur back hurts from having bent over backwards. A last attemp at reconciling with god , with faith , reistablishing a trust in a relationship and you learn you knew it better before. Some more questions , some more answers , and the days done

So here we start a new with boosted egos which swell up like boils at every little insult. Bruised and hurting and we dont even realise if we hadnt fed it so much, it wouldnt have been such an easy target to hit

So thats a lesson learnt my friend and something to be remembered, till we meet again , oh hell what what i writing bout this amnesias killing me .

The trip

2007-08-03T15:19:00.000+01:00

Vacation time, a time to let the hair down, and breath the clean air. .I don’t quite know the expression you use for people who are bald. Anyways., I just did that and well am glad that I finally did.

Ill get into details now, but before I do that I guess I have to tell how it all began. Life was tiring, I was surrounded by people who were negative, cheating, lying and crying most of the time and that’s I guess what was getting to me.

Work was the only release and that too had become tainted with a taste of repetitiveness’. It was surely time to break or to move and I decided id move on.

Me and this stinky friend of mine decided that we would vacation together, now that I think about it I dint even realize it but if she wasn’t involved I might not have done it al all. Well but then maybe I would have cos I was really getting suffocated. Anyways so after a planning of god knows how many days, in which I think we changed over a million destinations it was finally decided.

Manipal is a beautiful little town, just slightly more than a village actually, situated in South Canara area of Karnataka, it’s an educational Hub and probably not very interesting for people who were not from there or who have not studied there at some time in life. But then I have, and so we went.

It took a 24 hrs bus journey just to reach there, level of motivation talk bout it. Never realized how tired I was and the journey was a blur of places, faces and a lot of sleep. The journey though had immense scenic beauty, specially raichur such a dirty town but such an interesting Bus stop I mean it was like a bloody castle with a moat and all, that too on a hill. It was beautiful with these really pretty kid Beggars, I remember them cos they were making a lot of noise and man were they persistent, I think if I had stayed there for long I probably would have had to join them.

I also met a dude on the Bus studying his final year engineering, and I tried to act all hep and cool, soon I realized probably I was making a fool of myself, so I stopped pretending and he was good. I saw his energy, his youth, not that I was older, but manipal was his present and my past, and it was scary. We made some insipid lukewarm conversation about soccer and the places I needed to visit. I think he was just being kind to the old fuddy, but I was grateful, things had changed and he prepared me for them.

I reached Manipal, but then by that time my destination had changed, well not by much just an Hour and a Half, it was Mangalore. The land of the Mallu friend, lol. Anoops this funny creature, brilliant most times, fundoo totally, Funny completely but cold in a similar fashion at times, I guess he’s very logical , or rather driven by logic. And at some level I feel all those things, which are very logic driven, are a bit strange and non-emotional. Well it’s probably like even if he cared he’d never show and most times hed not really care.

And then of course Stinky, Anoop and me went for this trip , in the luxurious lap of a hired taxi and the first thing I could think of was that we were tough when we were kids . I thought we had grown old yet once again, but it wasn’t really scary, we smoked up and flew a bit, it was all alright most of the time, the places had this rustic beauty, that really at first stung the eye, but then in bits and moments took your breath away, I would call it momentary beauty something that would not last something that would not enchant you for more than a minute but that one minute that it caught you it gave you all. Its difficult to explain how I felt ( I was under the influence of stuff that time so these thoughts might have been slightly distorted).

The conversations were really weird to begin with I think they are most of the times if I meet someone after a real long time, but then by the evening they had gotten better, and by that time Anoop my favouratest friend in First year of PG looked and sounded like the old days it was time to leave.

Anyways the night was dark, and well unconscious, the morning a goodbye and the bus journey again a glance through heaven, it was strange I mean the place is so green and beautiful, it looks like all this trees and grass and u can almost see yourself sitting on it and looking at the river, beach, sun. However though it’s aesthetically pleasing, probably if you sat on it functionally it would be a complete pain in the ass.

Anyway Manipal here we come, and finally that’s where we came. If I was to build a story that’s exactly how it would be, however there’s so much to be written on this and I cant at present so I guess ill spend the last hour of tomorrow in this futile exercise.

Its been more then just a few yesterdays, and life’s back to a blur but this needs to be completed cos its very important for me to complete it.

And so I arrive back in the land of golden years Manipal , a little perspective now, the last time I was there I was this young stallion just out of school facing the world for the first time, fortified against all ill and evil and well willing too woo everything in sight, well and it lasted for a bit too. Man was it fun. Anyways so here was manipal a different town now, like a beautiful lady who with age hides her spots with Makeup. But she was still pretty and well it was a new romance, or rather it would have been except I didn’t get enough time with her, it was rushed and actually I think I hated it the most not being able to stay on in Manipal , and living the past once again in a different color.

Anyways Manipal is also a home of one of my good friends Mr. Ranganath, and we were in manipal together at one time in life,. With me almost married and he a stark bachelor. I guess life has this funny gimmicks lined up for us and in the end I was there as a bachelor and he a married man with a kid and all. Anyways Manipal is a beautiful town and well some of the changes that are there now making it even look better. The football field is something else its like a part cut out on a plateau and is green , the grass is beautiful both aesthetic and functional there. Anyways its like a field been cut out in the sky . Anyways it was nice to see and to learn from the Simple things in life.

From there straight to Turtle Bay with a well heavy heart for me atleast, turtle bay is the beach in my most famous bday story, but when it rains it rains and well no beach is really worth it specially when it rains. So there we were luckily with our bit of alcohol, a heady mix, the night was beautiful, but actually I think it was a night out of a horror movie, I mean more haunted than beautiful, no moon in the sky, no light, yet the waves the repetitive waves, so enchanting and Hypnotizing. I think the night was dark.

Anyways the Morning was better and then there was Manipal , and then Manglore and finally Banglore. Banglore is this city, which as soon as I enter it brings peace to me. I don’t really know why maybe cos its almost like home, in terms of my cousins Hospitality, but maybe cos I have always had a good time there. Stinks was the best there at home and then the Tea Place, though a bit pushy shes become that I guess at some level all the Gals staying in big towns and working become like that, or maybe its just the working part and nothing to do with the gendre. Anyways the tea and breakfast was delicious, and the Book store even better , I think even if I would have asked for god in that store they would have gotten him for me, well I couldn’t have borne that price anyways. A trushed meeting with a feew people that I didn’t know but really ewanted to know , but couldn’t really know , and the flight back.

So here we are in the world of the living dead yet once again living the life we have always wanted the Indian dream of Freedom, the Indian Dream of Independence, Momma im coming home…………. .

The days gone

2007-07-12T14:13:00.000+01:00

This is a Habit thats for sure , the days come to an end and i feel compelled to write once again. The days been a normal day with productivity and well unproductivity mixed in a package called me. Well the day began at a frenetic pace with lots of work to be done and in the middle somewhere the impetus was lost and i fell into the dregery of daily routine uncreative junk,. From which ofcourse i ran away in the middle to my cigaretes and tea.

By the end of it for some strange reason the satisfaction of having completed the days work is not complete. But well i feel the need for the rest.

The desire everyday to do something new, out of the box , out of routine rises in me, awakened severelly from its slumber. The beast tries to break out in every move in every bit, yet somewhetre it gets thwarted by the well oldness of the activity. And whatever begins as an adventure looses its sheen a bit too soon.

Its strange what happens to one over a period of time. i mean i was remembering the old days of Hyderabad , not that something new was happening everyday , but for some strange reason there were things which were still to be done, but now i guess at some level most of them have been done and no experience wahtsoever has stimulated me into repitition.

The work goes on and thats the only sector where i find novelty , but then sometimes i think what next, the questions is forever there. What next. And the answer are well chores which are fitted into the schedule to satisfy the need for work, not novelty.

I also wonder at times if everyone around me goes through the same motion, i mean there are alot of new things which i do but they are similar to the ones done before, I guess its a guestion of perception yet once again. And man is my perception screwed , i would be probably require prescrition glasses in terms of Vision and farsight. Lol

Stupid laughing at my own cracks i always enjoyed that . So looking forward to what needs to be done and whats in store for me tomorrow i sign off. Good night.

2007-07-10T13:01:00.000+01:00

Writing seems to me as the most self indulgent exercise that one can experience, its that sense of relief that one feels after penning down thoughts, ideas , images, concepts , general nonsensical information, that draws me to this platform again and again.

Its quite strange how every time i think of writing i have absolutely nothing to say yet i end up writing so much without really saying anything. That's for well me to understand and work out.
At present i write in an atmosphere of enormous cheer in a language which i don't really understand and i think towards which I'm developing a negative prejudice.

Prejudice, who would have ever thought id develop those . I in general maybe through my initial envt have always been a guy with a very high tolerance for others thoughts , religions , languages. But as i pass through this strange journey every lil event seems to leave its footstep on me. Its kinda strange how we walk through life and life leaves a mark on us well and some of us leave a mark on the world. Now that's another thing that ill come to later, but anyways we collect our minor experiences, and allow it to penetrate within us to leave a mark which is not really visible. And then you wake up one day and u see that u rnt the same person you were a month ago.

What really happened, some part of you blocks it out , but you know you have changed and then your colleagues , family, acquaintances also realise it. And then its a whole new story, you try to live in the same social boundaries in the same social bonds but with a completely different tuning. I guess you could compare it to riding a bike tuned for the hills in the planes, immense power but which results in inefficiency, or vicaversa, too much of restriction leading to decreased effectively. So all it requires is an attitude adjust meant , no that's already happened it needs a relationship adjustment and if both parties don't realises the importance of this the relation strains and finally falls apart into a thing that could have been.

Sad enough i have done this before , cos i have never really seen the importance of social bonding, i have walked through life with a lot of friends and acquaintances but very few that i have valued. And the ones that were not important their loss was not really a grief to me . It was with surgical excellence that i have dissected and thrown away these parts of me into the pathways of the past.

So i walk into the future as i was meant to, alone. But then once in a while ghosts from the past , those who were almost there come back and haunt me, and the pain i feel is extreme. Its not everyday but they do come once in a while.

In fact i think my social sieve is quite fine cos by the end of it all i have collected is very lil, i wonder when its all over what i will hold in my hand a question which doesn't really bother me , i ask this at present with the mind of a scientist , curiosity being the main emotion behind it all nothing else. I wonder how It will be.

There was a time when future was a dream in a million colors but now its well a blank thing, i think this might be temporary , but lets see how long this lasts. At present if i think of the future there is no place that i see myself, i cant really explain that at present the day i can i will .

bye

Conversations

2007-06-26T11:14:00.000+01:00

Iv been existing alone for a bit to long i think , i have now forgotten the art of communication , the pleasure in a conversation,seems to have dwindelled, died a neverending death. Perceeded by an acute sense of anxiety received in a calm existence. The Calm however is an event in itself , a moment in time which froze but now has passed , all that exists now is a feeling of loss of grief.

Unknown , unheard i have existed surrounded yet so alone, it seems like an eternity now, yet its been just days. The same conversations with the same people. The anatomy of guilt , the depths of sorrow, the screams of abuse , i hear them i recognise them and then we laugh it off. To move on to the next day a repition of the same once again. I miss the days of joy , i miss them .

An intelligent conversation, an argument with a meaning behind it , where have they gone. All that is left behind is skeletons, or rather wannabe conversations which never quite reach where they are meant to go, the faulicy most probably lies within me but i miss that juicy morsel of intellect, that i chewd on once. Now all i chew on id dried grass and that to a carnivore my friend is death itself.

The conversations somehow seem to have just flown out of my life, i mean maybe there were complete nonsensicle moments in life but then they too are not around,. In a city of dullards i turn dull, moronic scared and they seem so receptive of it.

Gradually i see a detoriation, in spirits in the self in everything and all we can talk about by the end of it is buiseness, about broken relationships , bout how we are growing old , man where is it all .

i doubt its just conversations , but rather its the spirit of living which is dying itself . So i shut myself from these conversations, from these meaningless morsels of nothingness. Well actually iv shut myself from them a long time ago , i think i need to move o to a different place or rather a different level, but theres a feeling of helplessness which creeps in,. Lethargy or rather inertia of chhange of living a different like. i lived and then existed and now the transition back to living seems to be so difficult.

What was it that we use to talk about , to tell you the truth i cant even remember that , what made those conversations worthwile, what put life into them i dont remember. Its like amnesia , its scary when you know your loosing something but wat exactly you cant remember , you know its important to you but yet you cant put your hand on what it ois and all you can generalise it to is conversations.

Strange theory

2007-06-19T08:36:00.000+01:00

Im writing from the office once again after a real long time , it feels like ages since i last sat free in the office, im not really free but its one of those days , when i dont feel like working , but well im forced to work for these tit bits and the whole days gone by the end of it.

Anyways thats another story , in recent days i have become even more empty than before, the cause of the emptiness this void is unknown, but ift just feels like, here i am on the road again , here i am up on the stage. Here i go being a star again here i go turn the page. Well for some strange reason this song always resounds within me when that feeling comes. I remember the days in Mumbai, when TISS was over and we were out in the real world, it was so similar , i was so lost there was new work new excitement however there was the void, to big to be ignored and it made itself felt specially in the nights when i use to roam the streets with this song ringing ion my head.

Its kinda strange how every song is associted with some memory or the other with a certain emotion , its something that we felt the first time we listened to it or rather at times its the nth hearing where we heard the song in one particular mood and the song got branded in our conciousness and associated with that kind of emotion. Pretty heavy stuff hugh.

For example whenever i feel hurt by a woman or rather miss a woman the song that rings in my head is Dazed and Confused for so long its not true. And well i guess when i have no cares probably it would be nothing else matters , though i cant really remember the last time i hummed that song, its been longn since i have been care free i guess,. I use to sing it so much at one time.

Another one of my happy songs was My gal my gal where did u sleep last night. Wow man this is a good journey, i mean my gal my gal is not even a happy song but ti makes me happy.

Strange isnt it

Anyways enough of this ill blog in the night probably

meanderings once again

2007-06-07T18:51:00.000+01:00

Sometimes you decide youv had enough somethimes you decide that its just a phase, sometimes you give up and sometimes you just hold on, what tells you what needs to be done when it needs to be done , how it needs to be done.

What happens to a man when he is is isolated, if the solitude is complete does it lead to lunacy, what happens when a man shuts all his doors to family, to friends to enemies,. What happens when a man decides he wants his peace does he go crazy . What happens when a man says he wont participate in this race , he wont let it effect him.

Meanderings of a social experiment, trapped in this body this soul sickens away , trapped no more freedom, whats that , how do u attain it. Isnt everyone free at some level.

Past a rosey picture no matter how bad it was it always seems better then the present for some strange reason, we have a habit of hanging on to what has been and never to what is.

Experience , is it just breezing through life, is it wat we learn through our interactions, is it some sort of knowledge or is it a feeling a peresent , the fullness of it, its completeness, its totality.

Totality a question in itself , we search for it , the full circle we live it the full life , but why not the moment isnt it complete in itself. Im just asking questions here not necessary that i know the answers to them all.

Patience , to wait , to hold on to be , to suffer, to enjoy , to live. Something that is short in stock, every one seems to be running out of it in this race towards glory.

Peace tate a life a moment and yet complete, a wholeness for that little time that peace exists.

Restlessness/ anxiety , a state of preperation to find that eternal peace.

Lunacy a difference in opinion, the thirst for answers, the strenghth to say ur not in the same race as every one and to believe it too. hahahah

Meandering - what the mind does when it is isolated, what the mind does when it is permited , the endless search for the endless answers , Id call it a knowledge building exercise.

Love ---------- id let that one be today

Work - what one does not want to do, well i guess thats wat mark twain said , well not in those exact words , but his definition of work and play is amaizing, in reality work and play are both synonymous its just a difference in our perception. But then sometimes u dont even feel like playing

Numbness - a complete lack of feeling, emotion, pain, hatered , love , anger, a vegetative state , strange enough however it can be caused by any of the above mentioned emotions. A state which could lead to meanderings , search for spirituality and the rest of the gamut.

Faith - a fools excuse for doin the wrong things, just kidding. it could be that but its so much more. I guess its the internal fuel that pushes you to achieve somethings and at the same times stops you from doing other things.

Imagination - what creates the colors of life, the product of all the meanderings and thought processes, the picture of relity before it turns into one.

Excess - what this last post is, too much said to much done time out for now, till we start playing again

Basket ball - couldnt help this one , a game, a passion a life , miss it man

The lone wolf

2007-06-03T19:24:00.000+01:00

the wolfs out tonite, roaming in the streets, its rare , usually its tamed but today its out, rabied and hurt, lost howling at the moon, gnashing everything on its way.

Hes out there tonite be carefull , he could kill u with a strike , he could bite you and take ur innards out. The ability to recognise to register his own does not exist anymore. The differentiator between right and wrong the soldier called morality are all tonite , killed eaten slain and the wolfs on the prowl, through the dark night .

Alone the lone wolf , hurt and angry at the world, for makint it wat it is , for doing what it has, for making him insane. Confused he searches searches for what he desires , the blood drips from his mouth , the taste of human flesh seems beautifull. he wants to go to his cave but hes surrounded , its either them or him and he has the will to survive, today he destroys today he kills, be carefull for its ur life or his,.

Kill him they shout in the streets this bearer of evil, vile he is destroy him, he runs through the streets for his life, he wants his cave , will he survive.

Tomorrow might be a brighter day , but tonite its cold outside , its freezing with raging death its so peacefull here tonite.

I want a part of this misery , i am a part of it all , tonite i lie in bed dying and howling at the moon. The lunatic is out agin hes hiding in the greass the lunatic is out again looking for his soul.

holes in the fabric of my soul

2007-05-24T20:59:00.000+01:00

The desire to live is still there though i gave up a moment ago , i always give up too easily but maybe i never found wat i was looking for, so i search till etrnity in the forests of solitude.

I havent given up on anything. Ripped apart by desire by want , by faith by god , held by nothing but rubberband ready to snap anytime, given away to the pleasures of the body and the mind. Wat about the soul.

Crazy spaces , insane places , gaps left in the fabric of my soul , holes left behind, moth eatend gaping painfull wounds, I live with it all, every day every night , enduring pain and finding joy in the spaces places left empty now.

They were filled once , briming with hope, i wonder where they have gone, but i live on to fill them one day with sunshine , sea, mountain, forests , with the everything and all .

The hopes still there and so is the awareness , of every breath and its pureness. i fill my lungs with smoke to remember those days of past, every thing a memory im scared of loosing it all. Memories fade and so will these would u really live on, or will i be lost in the mist , insipid , lukewarm existence.

Electrifying lady i need a conversation, thats all that i want , desire fire everything burning , hurting , crying Laughing. All pretence everyting fake i cant differentiate right now wat is real and wat are the illusions

ill rise one day like the phoenix to conquor what is mine , that day would be the day when i settle my score withGod/Lucifer

Read no more for i pour once again in riddles , i hope one day someone understands what all this stands for , till then i wait with crazy holes in the fabric of my soul.

Black Friday

2007-05-20T11:08:00.000+01:00

Well i just thought id write something in , after so many days being in hyderabad i guess i saw one of the first glimpses of unrest atleast something that affected me at some level. There was a bomb blast and to tell u the truth i haven't really thought bout wat happened in it or what happened after it till now. Like i mostly do i have blocked it out.

Now to begin with , i must mention that in this whole deal i was not affected neither was anyone that i knew personally. The bomb as u must be knowing if uv watched the news that is , went off in a mosque, there were three more luckily they didn't go off otherwise there would have been hell, it was during the time of the evening namaz, wat perfect choice. bloody bastards. 5 got killed atleast i think and well the rest were shot down by our police , i wonder if they are there to protect us or kill us.

Well i could never understand communal violence , iv never faced it, iv never been a part of it iv never thought bout it, about religion about cast, yes colour i have thought bout , well atleast when i was young i was always attracted towards the fairer girls, but well over a period of time even that preference has faded away to where i think black too is pretty sexy. So in a world like that where i exist i could not understand what had happened, to me it was a bomb blast , like in mumbai trains, like the time we were there in mumbai , and well that time Mr Yesudian had forced us to go for a class this time id didn't even matter. I agree im from tiss and being around so many social workers i should understand it, but well its not really happened. To me at some level the world itself exists as a happy big family.

So it was a bomb blast like any normal bomb blasts, im talking as if i see one every day. I don't like violence and could never understand how someone would stoop to that level to kill ppl they don't even know, not for revenge , for well some other causes, maybe indirect blind anger. What followed was understood, it was an angered mob leaving their brains behind acting on complete emotions stoning the police and well i don't think the only resort that the police was left with was to shoot a few ppl down , but then this is hyderabad , the traffic sucks and every ones angry and everyone boastful, so maybe it was some private personal pleasure to tell others they had shot three in the mob. But thats wat exactly happened , i sometimes wonder if the police were trying to match the casualties from the bomb.

Till now pure violence , i have seen this before atleast the killings and the bombings, but then the place being a masjid was sure to hurt the Islamic sentiments. And the tension grew. Now rather than moaning a loss ppl were looking to get even. They were out in the streets , wat seemed like a nice sunny morning turned out to be a black evening, with mobs flinching other mobs. Shops were forced to close down if not by fear then by force, wat loss to the economy, a days dealing was reduces to pittance for the whole of hyderabad, a few news of ppl being shot , killed were common , how many of this were true im not to sure , but the evening was turning dark and fear was rising. Iv never had lunch in a closed restaurant , with its shutters down , in fear of wat a mob can do to it, this was my first experience of that too, and well id say its nice if u like it being quiet.

Fighting over religion, my office boys telling me how they join in on religious gangs beating the crap out of the other , breaking bones with no fear, being broken with no fear all it takes is a call from the religious leaders of that area , or the political ones. All this nonchalantly , with no excitement nor pain, they have all become weapons in the hands of ppl creating unrest, they are the means to an end which will not end unless a whole religion is eradicated , maybe by the end of it every one will kill everyone and there would be nothing left , nothing sacred atleast .

What goes behind it i dont know , it was the first time i saw a guy for his religion, i mean with the tag of his religion, it was the first time that i noticed a namaaz ka topi on someones head, the boy was quiet , probably looking for a meal like we were in the taunt streets. Looking at every corner with eyes aghast for signs of violence , probably not different from me. But i noticed the cap, and then there was lunch well nothing else was more important. That one moment in which i was being served in a cafe and he was there with me , sitting on a different table eating his meal , like i was , everything became normal, the silence belonged, and i believed once again. My lil world still exists , maybe till I get killed id think about it like that.

Religion is one of those things that are individual choices , atleast i believe that , and you can be of any religion that u want to be, the focus here is not on religious affiliations but rather god, pray to him the way u want to , take wat u like from him, but be with people u like and respect their choices.

Boys will be Boys

2007-05-15T19:07:00.001+01:00

I know this is what most women would say to me when i do one of those silly things that gets joy to my life. But then i guess somewhere its true after all u cant expect them to turn into womenfolk do u .

Well it all began as most of our free time begins we decide its a nice sunday morning and the best thing to do is to go have some real nice brunch with Vodka included in it ofcourse. When we had completed our lunatic fun of drinkin as much vodka as possible in the afternoon itself well it opened a whole new arena of fun for the evening. So after dealing with all our hangovers with lime juices and well naps we were ready again for some action. And it was orgasmic.

I just spent a day at well the tracks, Gocarting , and well it was pure clean need for speed kinda fun .This for the people who dont know was my first time at the tracks and the first question that came to me mind was that lil thing is too small for my body to fit into well i managed and did i have fun. So after buying tickets we had to wait for an eternity , i mean one and a half hour seems like eternity, but the place was so damn crowded with the sunday rush.

So what do we do, well wat all the fun lovin guys do, we go play war games shootin at each other with laser guns , it felt good , i guess appeals to the primitive hunter in all men . Stratergy , rolling in the mud, hiding behind tiers , barrels well just bout anything , and all this while being shot at and shooting at the enemy. Oh my lord can it be any better. We won , yes we did , we were too gud for them , their first guy lost all his nine lives ( I guues they thought we were cats) before our team even lost a life , man we bashed them , really dug them into the ground, it was fun.

So after roamin bout looking at some nice women we still have to wait on the sidelines for our turns. looking at guys wizz pass u , bang into stacks of tiers is a bit intimidating at first but then u get into their synch and well u feel the track with them . Finally after abusing the guy at the gate and really pestering some other folks we finally are in, oh the rush. I sit the jackets a bit small the helmet seems a bit alien. I press down on the accelerator and there she moves, with a wild jolt , the wheels a bit jerky , i think i can feel every bloody jolt off the track. The steering is a bit rough its lke riding a colt , with a temprament. Not a stalllion yet but u can feel the raw power . I take my first turn the handelling is not smooth, the brakes are a bit hard , the second turn ok im gettin the hang of this a bit, as i move the speed begins to pick up, this baby has some power to it. Then i tuirn oh man being low to the ground really keeps u steady on the turn, and then i wizz past the first guy , the manouverings better, iv gotten it the rest of it is a rush the screamin tires, the breaks, the skids and screeches on the turns , beautifull its like a dream its an addiction.

Its orgasmic, the rides over the babies treated u well and well ur spent, but ready to be coaxed into her arms once again and again and again. Till every bit of u is drained out, But i saved it for the next time when the passion will be high and the tires burnin.

So like boys once again we jump out of the cars a bit rattled all excited, its back to the beer again , but well the conversations all bout the ride bout the speed , the desire still burns and we for sure will return to conquer ourselves and to be wooed once again after all Boys will be Boys.

Self Analysis

2007-05-11T13:10:00.000+01:00

Hello im sitting here writing this down with a million thoughts a million dreams, Its the word of multi tasking and so we do it , so i pretend to work, chat with a friend, think , sleep , and write this blog all at the same time .

No wonder none of this is working. I can’t sleep though im sleepy, i cant even pretend to work, i cant think and well the chats come to a complete standstill.
Its strange how we exist in this multilevel parallel universes, well if i existed in all those different parallel worlds doing those multiple things, i think id end up doing them pretty well, but since i don’t really believe in the concept of Parallel Universes, well it gets a bit muddled.

I guess it all depends on your perception, which of course depends on so many other things, which i don’t really feel like going into.

Anyways i have come to one conclusion over my past two years of existence in the real world, well the first one I don’t really like it the second I don’t really care. Ok just kidding, well iv realized that Hyd is not really the place where i belong and it wont be my final destination, another thing i have learnt over this small period of time is that alone is a state of existence that one can bear only for a limited period of time and i think well that expiry date for me is coming close. So this is to my friends shift close by man so that we can have a decent conversation. Another thing that i have realized is that I cant have too much of a good thing for too long , i get bored , which means that I need to be surrounded by a plethora of multicultural, multi level , multiple frequency ppl so that i can keep my self entertained, and as I am a slightly introvertish fellow atleast a slow beginner , it means that my state of boredom is final and well will remain , of course unless I meet some person with MPD ( Multiple Personality Disorder for the uninitiated) , well that is an interesting thought .
Ok so I think this blog is extending a bit longer than expected so we will end this session here you can always join me in well self analysis by well me.

Things that make me smile

2007-04-24T15:24:00.001+01:00

"Our laughs and our cries
the restaurants we liked
the bus no 6 journies
and fights in the moonlight.

Smiles and hugs in the morning
the jives in the break
dozing in financial management
and the passing of chits.

Mathani’s extra lectures
collection of notes
photocopying and printing
of which we never seemed to see the end off!

The basketball and badminton
walks to the bhurji shop behind.
cigarettes and alcohol
and the dh disco nights.

Trains and rickshaws
salwars and saris
field work and bomb scares
and report writing sprees.

Our talks and our walks
our building castles in the air
our laughs, fights and cries
the bonds that hold us together

all our tiss memories
of our once upon a time life.

This is dedicated to people I miss from tiss....people I've come to call close friends...... people who are close to my heart.........people from whom I've learnt.........people I've shared so many memories with that will always remain etched in my mind and these are Shashwat, Keren, Neeti, Pinky, Natasha, Khalid, Vanessa, Tanvi, Mandira, Neha, Laxmi, Arpana, Vrinda."

This was written by a friend , a pretty close friend as insane as me if not more . It made me smile first then maybe a bit numb . I miss that for sure but we have moved on, the memmories remain ofcourse and they will till we turn to dust. This is to those memmories that i cherish , those moments which can always make me smile.

Thank you

I write once again

2007-04-20T17:57:00.000+01:00

Yes I write once again, it seems after eternity , maybe not, I got a bloody net connection at home and well I thought id be flowing . Its not happened.

Actually im discontent , with life, with friends and well the only thing which keeps me alive is the work. And I wonder how long that’s gonna last. It’s happened before I mean the discontent.

I wonder if that’s the story of every one else too . But then how does it matter. All im concerned bout is me and somehow I cant find a solution, maybe I looked too hard maybe I didn’t search enough.

People say I have become blunt, I think I have too, but to tell you the truth I don’t even remember what I was like.

Soul searching, when does one search for his soul for his faith , well if I go by Maslows Hierarchy it would be a long time away. But then I think im looking for something, im looking for my faith, my belief my Love.

Does it really work like that, can such a thing be generalised into such simple steps a stupid pyramid.

Thoughts come to me like butterflies and all I do is push them away, I don’t really want to face it anymore I don’t want to think, where the peace is. I wish I was dead for a bit, I mean un alive, unresponsive non thinking everything shut down just for a bit.

Please note im not searching for the truth I know where it is I just want some time to find it , and I know that my responsibilities don’t allow me to be where I want to be to do what I want to do.

Shit man spilled some beer, do u have some answers, if you have keep them to yourself cos I think I need to search my own answers. Proud as ever you know me.

Its interesting you know I was almost broken, well I survived. I think I did , but then the scars remain and yes it does hurt once in a while its hurting today. The numbness turns to pain and for the first time I feel alive.

Shes back and i live again

2007-04-10T15:42:00.000+01:00

Ohh man this is exciting if nothing else, she has returned she was here , a glimpse, a peek, a scent , and its spinnin me inside out didnt know that would still happen didnt know that could still happen.

Happy Bhirthday

2007-04-08T10:11:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday my love I know its been a long time , and i know its late , but then i thought i could do without wishing you, I guess somethings are just not meant to be like me not wishing you.

I seem to have managed to block you for quite some time, in thought in action in everything . I guess deep inside i realise that even this struggle with my self to block you is in a way a reminder of you. I think i dont mind it , in fact i would say i do love it.

So heres to you wish you all that you want all that you need all that you desire.

Sweet Memmories

2007-03-30T09:11:00.000+01:00

I feel hurt and well i think i deservrd it a quick bite out of me to bring my ego to its orignal size, which well i agree is still a bit big. I cant help that one thats the way i was born and well couldnt have been any other way i think. Or rather id not have it any other way atleast.

Its a good feeling this feeling of pain , truly speaking no anger is attached with it. Its more pain then anything else. Its fresh, new and well kinda refreshing cos it was not expected, atleast not from the quarters it came from. Oh yea i had a similar experience a few days before but that was a sad one cos it tainted just not a single person but rather the whole concept of friendship. But then it was expected and it wwas not that major. Maybe this is not that major ieither but yes it does sting.

I think its quite important cos it wakes you up and demands of you to reassess where you stand now. Not where you stood in the past nor where u will stand in the future just where u stand at present.

It brings back this awareness of oneself of existence of life of everything thet is involved in it. The most important of them friendship.

Today i take a decision once again maybe this is the only place where i can confess without any inhibitions, i have lost my faith in friendship, in love maybe to some extent in my family ( I think thats a carry forward from the bile that fills me today, pure evil , pure resentment pure dislike).

I think i need to be the most selfish if i have to survive, i think im already that and more.

2007-01-26T12:54:00.000Z

hi i think this blog has lost some of the anonimity that i sought with such great passion. . But anyway this is to inform all that are interested if any that the posts here might vanish im still in a dillema whether im really up for another blog or not , but then writing on this blog has become one of my addictions. I thnk i need to give up this for the moment. Im not really happy wi h the posts that iv had up for the last few days , i mean the are no brainers and quite miserable, i dont enjoy readin them anymore.I dont really enjoy reading them either. Iv losdt the passion im not sure but i think i just cant wrtie then for a bit.

Iv written for people on my blog, i v writeen about them , iv written about my love iv written about others, i hope i havbe done justice to those whom i wrote for.

Sometimes i wrote hoping that someone would read it, and sometimes hoping that they wouldnt. Sometimes i just wrtote for myself , but that was long time ago now i dont do that and i wanna get it back.

Its gonna be difficult to leave this blog Even the bloody color scheeme is mine i mean i feel an ownership for it. The posts here were well from the heart and thats the way it s been.I think this soundas too much like one of my farewell speeches. Dont worry im not goin im just gonna practice a bit more before i return.

Adios amigos

And I Wonder

2007-01-23T12:45:00.000Z

Hello i tried clearing some of the mess in my life today , but to tell you the truth it dosent really help i feel even more messed . I tried getting in touch with peope who have to do my work, it didnt work out they all keep me on hold.I guess i have become similar too unless i get calls a few times i dont really move into action either. Strange wat you give out comes back doubled. And i wonder wat have i done.

OK this is just the beginig of another hopeless day actually they are strangely interesting , to be tied down to work but i somehow reach here every day i think it signifies my need to connect even if to the bloody web. Or maybe its the need to be heard. i wonder what i need.

This post too is a strange post it goes very well with the strange alientation that i feel with my emotions , frustrations, love hope and life. I feel as if i was just a passive observer or is it that i wish for that, or is it that i just imagine it. And i wonder.

Im wishing for miracles all the time but stragely eough not being able to make any miracles happen. It was this strange fear that i was so afraid of , and well its almost here. This was wat i wanted never to happen , that feeling of dread rises once in a while specially in the mornings to wake me up, and i get scared. its not a challenge anymore , its a challenge if its your own, but what happens if the ownership is gone before it even belongs to you. That feeling died not because of the monetary reasons but rather because of certain conversations with certain individuals. And I wonder how it could have been

Lifes filled with decisions, decisions to fight on, decisions to give up, decisions to choose a different path, decisions to exist decisions to live and finally the decision to die. And i wonder wat is mine. . .

the blogger community

2007-01-22T12:42:00.000Z

hello this is going to be a quick one , its really strange how you come across these strange writings, well i guess all it took was from one tag in a blog to the other and this world opened up to me. Each individual as different from the other as probably grains of sand , atat the same time they have some thing in common their individual passions fore their blogs. For what they write , for what they are.

Its real fun to go from different styls some sarcastic , some factual and well some simply boring, i try to skip those ones. Every one here has an opinion a voice i like that, the best part i guess is there is no noise you can always skip that.
Ther are people like me who talk so much but dont really get anywhere , and well there are others who say little but express so much, there are opinions there are views, there are disclaimers and well almost everything. People fighting for issues people just plainly argung its all fun. Andf the best part of it is the h8umor it ios intense even in the darkest moments .

The whole purpose of this blog is to say onething thank you to all those who write and who read.

when i stop asking questions consider me dead

2007-01-20T12:39:00.000Z

Life they say comes to those who live it , and now i wonder wat comes to those whov lost interest in life. WEll to them comes not really death but i guess this feeling of dissatisfaction or maybe apathy mixed with indifference.

Man learns to adapt. In fact im learning to live here without many people. I think im learning a bit slow, but the initial shock or rather horror slowed me down now that iv begun i think ill get better. There are new shocks on every corner and new horrors, that sometimes makes the insides of your stomach spin to be coughed out in vile vomit. There are nights slept restless or not slept at all, and then there are nights lost in comple tired slumber. To be awakened by nothing to be touched by all.Thats the peace of mind that can be attained or rather the degradation of it all.

This is a strange stage in my metamorphosis , to a butterfly i wonder, or is it going to be a moth, what happens if its a regeression in evolution and i turn into a caterpilar. Well whatever happens will happen and so i move on. Whatever is controlled by me i control, whatever is in their control including me they do. The rebell in me is rising , the fury increasing but will I finally have the guts. One of my friends or raher his professor talked about it that life was kinda all about guts thats the thing that seperates people doing things they wanna do and ppl doing things other ppl want them to do. Well i wonder what ill become , or rather what i am at present too.

Questions and more , but then thats wat life is all about aint it. I said this once well that ud be dead when u stop thinking, askin questions , and a learned or rather a friend whom i considered to be learned had said well u start living when ur mind goes blank. I dont really know which one is true but i think id die when i stop asking questions

Or rather to put it in another way when i stop asking questions consider me dead.

What a day

2007-01-17T05:22:00.000Z

What a day, how many times have u said this, well if not you then how many times have u heard me say this. Well there are days which are killers , when u come back in the evening the only thing that is on ur mind is BED , well to sleep on u fool.

Ok so what really is the composition of such a day let us examine in detail.

It all started actually in the morning maybe even the night before , a decision to work till I broke my balls, well I think if I sat on that damn bike for any longer I would have lost them for sure.

Ok Ok think like always iv gotten a bit ahead of myself here. So how did it all begin well with the morning sun, u wake up and all you want to do is sleep for a bit more. But then you drag yourself out of bed after about three snoozez on an average id say. Ok so ur up and u gotta bathe, alrite u finally decide to bathe, but the bloody waters so cold u don't really wanna enter, finally u decide that staring at the water wont really warm it up, so u gather ur courage and what happens the bloody loos occupied, so u say ok that's alrite but its occupied by a dude who's singing lewd songs to the tune of his farts. Finally u get to use the loo, that is after u regain conscious from faintin after entering the bloody loo. The waters still cold. With parts of you shriveling up into nothingness, U come out half shivering. Ah the day has begun and ur late but then its just by half an hour that's something manageable u say , specially after livin in India u realize that time is not really that important.

So u reach the office have ur coffee , which is either too strong , too weak, too hot or too cold or in the compatible combinations of the same. Now u realize that you have got everything ready all u have to do is pick them up, u do that and u leave for the field, some 35 km away to be taken on a bike not ridden by u. Well its alrite its morning ur ready to face the world.

Well then suddenly ur boss calls , and asks you are u really gonna reach that impossible target and u say probably not, so the boss tells u well don't worry its just a stupid joke we were playin to make ur life miserable. We never thought it was possible any ways we might as well get it over with and call u to a place where ull be worth something. So u really wonder if that's good or bad, and suddenly u don't really feel like going to the field that u were so enthu about two minutes before. Well shit happens and u still gotta continue.

So before you really realize which one is the sick joke him having sent u here or him having called u,u realize that u have already traveled the 35 km on a hard bike seat with dust in ur face and the worst was that ur mouth was open all the way. So u gargle a bit and say lets work.

That is when it dawns on u that in the hurry to get out u missed out a bit of the info u were suppose to carry with u . Well no probs luckily u have a backup plan . So u visit ur first potential client, he refuses to see you, the second same answer the third hes buisy don't worry u can talk to him later luckily u come out with his contact info, not necessary that he will actually pick up the phone. Well till now three gone well I would say no real success. Well that is the time that u start wondering y u really were born.

Ok so u had three strikes but don't worry the last ball was a foul so u bat on, fourth client , warm reception a little hot too, not bad its getting warmer , that's when he decides that you are the right candidate with the right service, but he doesn't really require your services at present. Well the feeling is confused was that a victory or did u just get spanked on the butt. Well u basically get the drift after about three warm receptions and as many cold ones, and a sad meal in the middle of it you realize that the days over and all that's left to do is to get back . Well but then u have bloody traveled 70 km and u wanna see thatlast client u know its a bit late, but that last shot, u know its ur last shot coz ur energy's sapped, and guess what he cant see u Ur late, bloody bugger.

Then begins ur journey back and once again u let ur mind wanders once again to the conversations in the mornin and you wonder shit i wanna get out of this place , shit i think I just lost the game, shit I wanna fight this battle , and then u realize that that's what you have been doing throughout the day. AAAh wat a trying day, u were fighting the demons u wanted it so badly sad enough the other guys dont really understand it, you might get the project or you might not but u surely wont get it immediately. And that's the time that u ask urself y u were born once again.

So ur finally back the jounrney back home has been tyring, the dust felt thicker the insects bigger as they rammed their crazy bodies into u while ur riding at good speeds. The lights are too bright and the noise too much, you have had your fill. All u wanna do is to reach into that private space inside you, to ur secret world to write to write it all out, and so you come back to office tell them u wanna check some mail, type ur heart out and everything is ready all u gotta do is post it and that is exactly the time the power fails and all ur works blown to bits. And u wonder if god always had such a good sense of humor, how come ur not laughing.

So u call it a day and all u wanna do is hit the bloody BED. WEll dont worry thats when the spirit rises again the spirit to live, to survive to excel, and u get down at the cyber cafe, and a piece like this is born. Not necessarily good but atleast a piece of you. And your ready to fight another day, and take all the jokes they throw at u. You are ready to live again , u are alive.

AAAHHH I am alive I can feel every muscle in my body specially my gluteous maximus, and sitting on this chair hasn't been very great either , but then some days are good and this is one of them. Adios amigos im goin for a cup of coffee.

2007-01-12T12:14:00.000Z

Well id written this really big and deep post and well it just vanished it was about poetry, masturbation and pleasure and well also bout ghaspooscurry, well its gone now and well i really cant type it out again it was a thought process. and now well its over.

This one is about imaginary pleasures, well i would define it as the pleasure that one gets from living in a dillusionary/ illusionary ( Whichever u prefer) world. and which you fear would not exist when you really reach there/ get there./ get it him/her. Well which actually most of the times is correct, as the world has this real fun way of somehow kicking you in the ass. Well any way this imaginary pleasure has this strange quality of really not being present , imaginary as u can see well imagine, well whatever is really not real.

Well im really getting my kicks out of this one aint i.

So when one suffers from this horrendous disease he / she would be found lounging around doing absolutely nothig, or rather doing things buit with a real dumb expression on his/ her face. There are loads of chances of people making mistakes , dropping things and general clumsiness. But then you know what its an imaginary disease so you really dont have to worry too much about it.

When u suffer from such disorders all u have to do is to meet the friendly neighbourhood psychiatrist as soon as possible. And well if u ike being there all u have to do is call ur crazy friend who would refurbish ur daydreams with new exotric ideas and images

Good day to you all

Your crazy friend.