excuse no nth

Sorry tried writing in today mind dosent seem to be working or maybe its working a lil too much all i want say is that i wont be able to write toinight

HOLD ON

Deprived of sleep for god knows how long, feeding on what i dont even remember, living life in the fast lane i guess. Hold i say it will burn you out, hold i say before the sanity succumbs to this whirlwind of thoughts, of images, of feelings of illusions and dillusions .


Hold on little girl let me be the one for you hold on hold on to this last thread that you have, hold on till you can survive, hold on for survival. Hold on for me , hold on for eternity. Hold on .


Rambling thoughts pass by so fast like i was in a fast train just experiencing the speed and the walls go by one by one. They dessipate into nothingness, and i get exposed , layer by layer. Hold on i dont want to be naked hold on i cant take it , holed on oh please hold on .


So here i lie in my bed holding on to every shred, memmories coloured sadly in black ad red. Hold on oh dream of mine.Hold on oh dream so fine, Hold on give me some time. Hold on .Hold on , hold on Hold on Let us test time and we will find eternity

A stranger in the mirror

I have lost all that I had a long time ago and yet I think my pockets are full. A journey began probably as an orgasm but all was unconscious where are those days, those unknown memories of being born under the sky. I don’t remember whether I laughed or cried but birth must have been a pleasure im pretty sure a change of scenery would have pleased me if nothing else.

Lost and found were the days of childhood, of everything getting written in this heart of mine to be erased by something new. Each experience for the first time, the first breath of air, the first sip of water, the first morsel of food, the first drop of rain, the first kiss goodnight. Oh I long for those firsts those first tastes unforgettable yet forgotten with use.

Life is beautiful but then don’t listen cos I am insane with fear with laughter, with indifference, with love, with hate with ambition and with pain. Things do happen and they don’t really always seem good but then it’s important to keep in mind that they had to happen if you were to move on.

. Youth my dear friend is a lot and the sad part is it gets over to soon at times, and yet there are those who do last forever and I think I am one of them for after all I am immortal.

Time is such a commodity that sometimes it goes on forever and yet at others it vanishes too fast. Where has it gone was it too long or is it that I just felt it that way. Or was that time too short or may be its just that I felt it that way. So immensely accurate and yet once its gone it becomes mouldable, to be stretched or recoiled in the mind of man. To be cramped in recesses and had like wine.

Age is it really a question. Or is it an answer to time?

I could go on but I choose not to , this is a strange me a serious man who I think was hidden somewhere till alas misery found him, I find him interesting, because he’s different from what I was. I am scared for he is different from what I was. I let him write here in this sacred place of mine because I like what he writes. It is a different me every time. A stranger in the mirror and yet they are all me hidden somewhere. Oh how much id like to compile them all together into one being. And the irony of it all is that I was born a concoction of genes from two like you all and yet I look for the one that I am.

Death Becomes her

Death Becomes her

An old title heard somewhere before. I created her and I killed her, how long did it take was it an eternity or just a few seconds. Drunken stupor, mixed emotions, fear being a prime factor in it all. Was it fear or was it survival. Depths unknown and Questions as usual never answered.

Past oh glorious past where are you now. At times I wish there was a reincarnation a rebirth to become pure. This cruel life is a torture, was past the same, I don’t remember, is it a new beginning all together, a choice one makes to forget, and yet is it possible to forget. I have these images in my head which come flashing back as soon as I see something. They blind me and at other times enlighten me. I wish they would just stop and let me be indifferent, indifferent to this world. I cherish the past but I don’t want it any more, god take it all away. A new life, everyday. Every night I die and every morning im born again, good words I like them I think ill follow.


I have wondered often what is more important survival or greatness. It haunts me and the more I question myself the more complicated it gets. And so I remain clueless surviving and searching for greatness. Strange I can’t even stop to pick up the pieces before I have to move again. The journeys long and the path meandering. Destination so far and to tell you the truth it too is unknown.

Dazed and confused for so long that I don’t remember how it was before. Today is the day id like to forget. I want to just shrink or be invisible just for the day, the hatred I feel at present is killing me and yet I live on normal. Physically safe and sound yet mentally blemished. Ugly is the word that defines the way I feel today about myself and the world.
So as I kill myself for the day and all that it has stood for I just look for one last second at wad it was and what it could have been.

Tomorrow though is a new beginning



Snippet
Thought id type something on one of my most favourite topics morality, I always said morality sways and it does, I always said that the clear line between good and bad is to faded, I still say the same. But there is a conscious and it does stab u if u do what you consider wrong, but you might not always see the things that you saw in the past as being wrong in the same light. Change my dear friend is inevitable.

ITS BEEN REALLY LONG

ITS BEEN REALLY LONG HASN’T IT? AND I WRITE THIS ALL IN CAPS TO EMPHASISE THE POINT. Well it feels good to be back I think I had a writers block well since im not really a writer I think I might have gotten it from somebody else like most of my ideas.

Well its out now so all that iv written in my previous meanderings were just ideas that I have picked over this short life of mine, from various different people, and readings. Now that confession is over its time to either feel light-hearted or to feel the guilt and shame yet I don’t feel either of this. I think I have become a bit indifferent to emotions over the brief existence that iv had out of the cocoon of something known as formal education.

Well today we will try to solve the mystery of my disappearance, well to begin with I think I didn’t meet any interesting people whose little bits I could put on paper and enjoy the feeling of having written something. Another reason could be the simple fact that I was not really in the mood for all of this and whatever the shit anyone says you have to bee in this certain frame of mind to write. I think I was trying to struggle to figure things out to put them on paper. Well life has been a bit hectic on top of that the bloody schedule just becomes busier and man time just flies. Ok now I think I have gotten over the excuses too. So im bloody Lazy wat u gonna do about it. The confrontation is over too, wat next. Well I think ill just jot some thoughts down now.

Fundas of life & Luv
1) You never get what you want when u want it
2) The water in the shower will always run out when u have the soap in ur eyes
3) You present state is the best its gonna be but ud never realise it till it passes
4) Love stinks but its ur fait to fall for someone or the other in ur life and most probably it would be the wrong person the first time
5) First love will always be the strongest no matter how shitty the guy or girl was
6) Once you r out of luv u would swear by god that love stinks and then u will go ahead and put yourself through it all over again
7) Sex on the beach might sound exotic but the grains of sand stuck to ur butt will hurt
8) Bad things will happen and u will get over them
9) Good things will happen and they will get over you.
10) You will never be alone as long as u can have conversations with yourself and inanimate things, yes people might call u crazy , but then if ur still reading this I think u must be quite batty like me
11) Being crazy at times is a boon cos with it u get the fools licence.

takin stock

Sometimes , one needs to take stock of ones life, though the real need to do so is very often, sadly man in is buisy schedule forgets bout this, yes he does remember what he has achieved but he looses track of what all he has lost, unless one find day he wakes up and sees a stranger in the mirror, the face is the same but the composition the thoughts are someone else’s, and he then misses what is not there now which was once his, what was once him, and which now he cant even remember.

I don’t want to be that man, yet I think I have crossed the fine line already the line separating sanity and insanity. Though the sad part is that the transition has been actually a rational one. I have moved away from the reams of insanity which was once so natural, so much mine into this never land of people with blurred faces and indistinguishable sounds that talk to me all the time. The voices in my head at least disturbed me when I wanted them too and they always had something interesting if not practical to say. Now the voices say things that I cant decipher and what I cant follow, and thus I become immobile, kinda stuck in this deep swamp of people lost in what is right and what is wrong, im not the judge anymore.

Its kind of strange that at times when its most required the ability of decision making completely abandons a man, but the sense is still there its just that I don’t trust myself anymore cos I know im not mad enough.

But then isn’t everybody a bit batty, and if its like that then no one is cos after all not everyone can be mad, or am I the only sane one in this insane world striving to survive against a tide which sometimes drowns me and at other times is even too shallow to wash my feet in.

The drowning would have been good at least it would mean an end, however its just a choking feeling like being under water, and then when ur too tired to struggle against it when uv given up there is a bit of an undercurrent and then you get a breath and the struggle begins once again.
I think when im happy I write these kind of thoughts and when the feeling of drowning arises I look for humour in it , I know that at another time in another world this same tide would be just a layer of froth on my feet. When im on top I take stock and then when im down I just laugh at it.

change

Well nothing stops me from this misdeed of putting my thoughts down on the stupid notebook and then publishing them on the blog to corrupt innocent minds. So I apologise beforehand and promise that as always I will not make any sense this time too. Hurray for consistency.

Well I wrote cos I felt liked playing with my thoughts there hasn’t been any new omissions or additions to my knowledge as of today. Its no different from yesterday, sometime time seems to stand still and everything is the same the same as yesterday and the same s tomorrow, all insipid experiences nothing potent enough to remember all watered down stuff.

Well congratulate me for I have gained one experience over the past few weeks the experience of being an alcoholic and its wonderful, like I expected but alas as all good things do come to an end this must pass too.

Now I wait in passive anticipation for new events to occur in life hopefully drastic ones, sometimes life is so bloody monotonous that u wish it would change doesn’t matter if for the good or the bad all it has to do is change.

Another beginning and another end to time unforgiven

Another beginning and another end to time unforgiven , to time clasped secretly in velvet boxes stored in the deep recesses of time itself. Bits to be taken out and enjoyed in secret like chocolate or maybe cheap porn, a relish which would last for a long time a flavour in the mouth, or at other times like ecstatic orgasms lasting a few seconds but making that moment an extreme in pleasure.

Things we have done looked forward to doing and not been able to do everything is stored for living in, we dream , we die, we remain forever the question is eternal what will happen tomorrow, what will happen in the future will I succeed, will I really know wat success is, what am I working towards, aimless directionless, in fog .

I think when man made god, or was it vice versa he forgot to give him the sense of direction and so man still lives on going round and round in circles cos his idol, his creator itself lacks one. Well I mean the world has been going in circles its called the circle of life wat is the purpose of life itself , does everything have to have a purpose, does every mean lead to n end, does every end have a mean to get it. There are certain things which just happen, what bout them, would you call them leaps in
Spirituality,. Or just a simple coincidence or transcendence into a higher ream .

For people who want something, at times don’t have to try that hard to get it, I think that’s very natural because the effort you put into something u like just comes naturally its not really an effort at all, rather it’s a pleasure, a realisation of self itself, where every sinew every nerve can be felt, in tingling anticipation of the event that all this is building upto. And that’s the end till another new beginning comes along.

The sad part of this beautiful circle is that not everyone finds what his true objective; or rather he doesn’t trust himself. Well three cheers for man for being so thankless and suspicious so as to suspect even his heart or rather his mind, the mixture of the two . And he is also ungracious to his own abilities,. For even if by accident he stumbles across his true calling he just rolls on without realising what has happened.