The desire to live is still there though i gave up a moment ago , i always give up too easily but maybe i never found wat i was looking for, so i search till etrnity in the forests of solitude.
I havent given up on anything. Ripped apart by desire by want , by faith by god , held by nothing but rubberband ready to snap anytime, given away to the pleasures of the body and the mind. Wat about the soul.
Crazy spaces , insane places , gaps left in the fabric of my soul , holes left behind, moth eatend gaping painfull wounds, I live with it all, every day every night , enduring pain and finding joy in the spaces places left empty now.
They were filled once , briming with hope, i wonder where they have gone, but i live on to fill them one day with sunshine , sea, mountain, forests , with the everything and all .
The hopes still there and so is the awareness , of every breath and its pureness. i fill my lungs with smoke to remember those days of past, every thing a memory im scared of loosing it all. Memories fade and so will these would u really live on, or will i be lost in the mist , insipid , lukewarm existence.
Electrifying lady i need a conversation, thats all that i want , desire fire everything burning , hurting , crying Laughing. All pretence everyting fake i cant differentiate right now wat is real and wat are the illusions
ill rise one day like the phoenix to conquor what is mine , that day would be the day when i settle my score withGod/Lucifer
Read no more for i pour once again in riddles , i hope one day someone understands what all this stands for , till then i wait with crazy holes in the fabric of my soul.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Black Friday
Well i just thought id write something in , after so many days being in hyderabad i guess i saw one of the first glimpses of unrest atleast something that affected me at some level. There was a bomb blast and to tell u the truth i haven't really thought bout wat happened in it or what happened after it till now. Like i mostly do i have blocked it out.
Now to begin with , i must mention that in this whole deal i was not affected neither was anyone that i knew personally. The bomb as u must be knowing if uv watched the news that is , went off in a mosque, there were three more luckily they didn't go off otherwise there would have been hell, it was during the time of the evening namaz, wat perfect choice. bloody bastards. 5 got killed atleast i think and well the rest were shot down by our police , i wonder if they are there to protect us or kill us.
Well i could never understand communal violence , iv never faced it, iv never been a part of it iv never thought bout it, about religion about cast, yes colour i have thought bout , well atleast when i was young i was always attracted towards the fairer girls, but well over a period of time even that preference has faded away to where i think black too is pretty sexy. So in a world like that where i exist i could not understand what had happened, to me it was a bomb blast , like in mumbai trains, like the time we were there in mumbai , and well that time Mr Yesudian had forced us to go for a class this time id didn't even matter. I agree im from tiss and being around so many social workers i should understand it, but well its not really happened. To me at some level the world itself exists as a happy big family.
So it was a bomb blast like any normal bomb blasts, im talking as if i see one every day. I don't like violence and could never understand how someone would stoop to that level to kill ppl they don't even know, not for revenge , for well some other causes, maybe indirect blind anger. What followed was understood, it was an angered mob leaving their brains behind acting on complete emotions stoning the police and well i don't think the only resort that the police was left with was to shoot a few ppl down , but then this is hyderabad , the traffic sucks and every ones angry and everyone boastful, so maybe it was some private personal pleasure to tell others they had shot three in the mob. But thats wat exactly happened , i sometimes wonder if the police were trying to match the casualties from the bomb.
Till now pure violence , i have seen this before atleast the killings and the bombings, but then the place being a masjid was sure to hurt the Islamic sentiments. And the tension grew. Now rather than moaning a loss ppl were looking to get even. They were out in the streets , wat seemed like a nice sunny morning turned out to be a black evening, with mobs flinching other mobs. Shops were forced to close down if not by fear then by force, wat loss to the economy, a days dealing was reduces to pittance for the whole of hyderabad, a few news of ppl being shot , killed were common , how many of this were true im not to sure , but the evening was turning dark and fear was rising. Iv never had lunch in a closed restaurant , with its shutters down , in fear of wat a mob can do to it, this was my first experience of that too, and well id say its nice if u like it being quiet.
Fighting over religion, my office boys telling me how they join in on religious gangs beating the crap out of the other , breaking bones with no fear, being broken with no fear all it takes is a call from the religious leaders of that area , or the political ones. All this nonchalantly , with no excitement nor pain, they have all become weapons in the hands of ppl creating unrest, they are the means to an end which will not end unless a whole religion is eradicated , maybe by the end of it every one will kill everyone and there would be nothing left , nothing sacred atleast .
What goes behind it i dont know , it was the first time i saw a guy for his religion, i mean with the tag of his religion, it was the first time that i noticed a namaaz ka topi on someones head, the boy was quiet , probably looking for a meal like we were in the taunt streets. Looking at every corner with eyes aghast for signs of violence , probably not different from me. But i noticed the cap, and then there was lunch well nothing else was more important. That one moment in which i was being served in a cafe and he was there with me , sitting on a different table eating his meal , like i was , everything became normal, the silence belonged, and i believed once again. My lil world still exists , maybe till I get killed id think about it like that.
Religion is one of those things that are individual choices , atleast i believe that , and you can be of any religion that u want to be, the focus here is not on religious affiliations but rather god, pray to him the way u want to , take wat u like from him, but be with people u like and respect their choices.
Now to begin with , i must mention that in this whole deal i was not affected neither was anyone that i knew personally. The bomb as u must be knowing if uv watched the news that is , went off in a mosque, there were three more luckily they didn't go off otherwise there would have been hell, it was during the time of the evening namaz, wat perfect choice. bloody bastards. 5 got killed atleast i think and well the rest were shot down by our police , i wonder if they are there to protect us or kill us.
Well i could never understand communal violence , iv never faced it, iv never been a part of it iv never thought bout it, about religion about cast, yes colour i have thought bout , well atleast when i was young i was always attracted towards the fairer girls, but well over a period of time even that preference has faded away to where i think black too is pretty sexy. So in a world like that where i exist i could not understand what had happened, to me it was a bomb blast , like in mumbai trains, like the time we were there in mumbai , and well that time Mr Yesudian had forced us to go for a class this time id didn't even matter. I agree im from tiss and being around so many social workers i should understand it, but well its not really happened. To me at some level the world itself exists as a happy big family.
So it was a bomb blast like any normal bomb blasts, im talking as if i see one every day. I don't like violence and could never understand how someone would stoop to that level to kill ppl they don't even know, not for revenge , for well some other causes, maybe indirect blind anger. What followed was understood, it was an angered mob leaving their brains behind acting on complete emotions stoning the police and well i don't think the only resort that the police was left with was to shoot a few ppl down , but then this is hyderabad , the traffic sucks and every ones angry and everyone boastful, so maybe it was some private personal pleasure to tell others they had shot three in the mob. But thats wat exactly happened , i sometimes wonder if the police were trying to match the casualties from the bomb.
Till now pure violence , i have seen this before atleast the killings and the bombings, but then the place being a masjid was sure to hurt the Islamic sentiments. And the tension grew. Now rather than moaning a loss ppl were looking to get even. They were out in the streets , wat seemed like a nice sunny morning turned out to be a black evening, with mobs flinching other mobs. Shops were forced to close down if not by fear then by force, wat loss to the economy, a days dealing was reduces to pittance for the whole of hyderabad, a few news of ppl being shot , killed were common , how many of this were true im not to sure , but the evening was turning dark and fear was rising. Iv never had lunch in a closed restaurant , with its shutters down , in fear of wat a mob can do to it, this was my first experience of that too, and well id say its nice if u like it being quiet.
Fighting over religion, my office boys telling me how they join in on religious gangs beating the crap out of the other , breaking bones with no fear, being broken with no fear all it takes is a call from the religious leaders of that area , or the political ones. All this nonchalantly , with no excitement nor pain, they have all become weapons in the hands of ppl creating unrest, they are the means to an end which will not end unless a whole religion is eradicated , maybe by the end of it every one will kill everyone and there would be nothing left , nothing sacred atleast .
What goes behind it i dont know , it was the first time i saw a guy for his religion, i mean with the tag of his religion, it was the first time that i noticed a namaaz ka topi on someones head, the boy was quiet , probably looking for a meal like we were in the taunt streets. Looking at every corner with eyes aghast for signs of violence , probably not different from me. But i noticed the cap, and then there was lunch well nothing else was more important. That one moment in which i was being served in a cafe and he was there with me , sitting on a different table eating his meal , like i was , everything became normal, the silence belonged, and i believed once again. My lil world still exists , maybe till I get killed id think about it like that.
Religion is one of those things that are individual choices , atleast i believe that , and you can be of any religion that u want to be, the focus here is not on religious affiliations but rather god, pray to him the way u want to , take wat u like from him, but be with people u like and respect their choices.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Boys will be Boys
I know this is what most women would say to me when i do one of those silly things that gets joy to my life. But then i guess somewhere its true after all u cant expect them to turn into womenfolk do u .
Well it all began as most of our free time begins we decide its a nice sunday morning and the best thing to do is to go have some real nice brunch with Vodka included in it ofcourse. When we had completed our lunatic fun of drinkin as much vodka as possible in the afternoon itself well it opened a whole new arena of fun for the evening. So after dealing with all our hangovers with lime juices and well naps we were ready again for some action. And it was orgasmic.
I just spent a day at well the tracks, Gocarting , and well it was pure clean need for speed kinda fun .This for the people who dont know was my first time at the tracks and the first question that came to me mind was that lil thing is too small for my body to fit into well i managed and did i have fun. So after buying tickets we had to wait for an eternity , i mean one and a half hour seems like eternity, but the place was so damn crowded with the sunday rush.
So what do we do, well wat all the fun lovin guys do, we go play war games shootin at each other with laser guns , it felt good , i guess appeals to the primitive hunter in all men . Stratergy , rolling in the mud, hiding behind tiers , barrels well just bout anything , and all this while being shot at and shooting at the enemy. Oh my lord can it be any better. We won , yes we did , we were too gud for them , their first guy lost all his nine lives ( I guues they thought we were cats) before our team even lost a life , man we bashed them , really dug them into the ground, it was fun.
So after roamin bout looking at some nice women we still have to wait on the sidelines for our turns. looking at guys wizz pass u , bang into stacks of tiers is a bit intimidating at first but then u get into their synch and well u feel the track with them . Finally after abusing the guy at the gate and really pestering some other folks we finally are in, oh the rush. I sit the jackets a bit small the helmet seems a bit alien. I press down on the accelerator and there she moves, with a wild jolt , the wheels a bit jerky , i think i can feel every bloody jolt off the track. The steering is a bit rough its lke riding a colt , with a temprament. Not a stalllion yet but u can feel the raw power . I take my first turn the handelling is not smooth, the brakes are a bit hard , the second turn ok im gettin the hang of this a bit, as i move the speed begins to pick up, this baby has some power to it. Then i tuirn oh man being low to the ground really keeps u steady on the turn, and then i wizz past the first guy , the manouverings better, iv gotten it the rest of it is a rush the screamin tires, the breaks, the skids and screeches on the turns , beautifull its like a dream its an addiction.
Its orgasmic, the rides over the babies treated u well and well ur spent, but ready to be coaxed into her arms once again and again and again. Till every bit of u is drained out, But i saved it for the next time when the passion will be high and the tires burnin.
So like boys once again we jump out of the cars a bit rattled all excited, its back to the beer again , but well the conversations all bout the ride bout the speed , the desire still burns and we for sure will return to conquer ourselves and to be wooed once again after all Boys will be Boys.
Well it all began as most of our free time begins we decide its a nice sunday morning and the best thing to do is to go have some real nice brunch with Vodka included in it ofcourse. When we had completed our lunatic fun of drinkin as much vodka as possible in the afternoon itself well it opened a whole new arena of fun for the evening. So after dealing with all our hangovers with lime juices and well naps we were ready again for some action. And it was orgasmic.
I just spent a day at well the tracks, Gocarting , and well it was pure clean need for speed kinda fun .This for the people who dont know was my first time at the tracks and the first question that came to me mind was that lil thing is too small for my body to fit into well i managed and did i have fun. So after buying tickets we had to wait for an eternity , i mean one and a half hour seems like eternity, but the place was so damn crowded with the sunday rush.
So what do we do, well wat all the fun lovin guys do, we go play war games shootin at each other with laser guns , it felt good , i guess appeals to the primitive hunter in all men . Stratergy , rolling in the mud, hiding behind tiers , barrels well just bout anything , and all this while being shot at and shooting at the enemy. Oh my lord can it be any better. We won , yes we did , we were too gud for them , their first guy lost all his nine lives ( I guues they thought we were cats) before our team even lost a life , man we bashed them , really dug them into the ground, it was fun.
So after roamin bout looking at some nice women we still have to wait on the sidelines for our turns. looking at guys wizz pass u , bang into stacks of tiers is a bit intimidating at first but then u get into their synch and well u feel the track with them . Finally after abusing the guy at the gate and really pestering some other folks we finally are in, oh the rush. I sit the jackets a bit small the helmet seems a bit alien. I press down on the accelerator and there she moves, with a wild jolt , the wheels a bit jerky , i think i can feel every bloody jolt off the track. The steering is a bit rough its lke riding a colt , with a temprament. Not a stalllion yet but u can feel the raw power . I take my first turn the handelling is not smooth, the brakes are a bit hard , the second turn ok im gettin the hang of this a bit, as i move the speed begins to pick up, this baby has some power to it. Then i tuirn oh man being low to the ground really keeps u steady on the turn, and then i wizz past the first guy , the manouverings better, iv gotten it the rest of it is a rush the screamin tires, the breaks, the skids and screeches on the turns , beautifull its like a dream its an addiction.
Its orgasmic, the rides over the babies treated u well and well ur spent, but ready to be coaxed into her arms once again and again and again. Till every bit of u is drained out, But i saved it for the next time when the passion will be high and the tires burnin.
So like boys once again we jump out of the cars a bit rattled all excited, its back to the beer again , but well the conversations all bout the ride bout the speed , the desire still burns and we for sure will return to conquer ourselves and to be wooed once again after all Boys will be Boys.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Self Analysis
Hello im sitting here writing this down with a million thoughts a million dreams, Its the word of multi tasking and so we do it , so i pretend to work, chat with a friend, think , sleep , and write this blog all at the same time .
No wonder none of this is working. I can’t sleep though im sleepy, i cant even pretend to work, i cant think and well the chats come to a complete standstill.
Its strange how we exist in this multilevel parallel universes, well if i existed in all those different parallel worlds doing those multiple things, i think id end up doing them pretty well, but since i don’t really believe in the concept of Parallel Universes, well it gets a bit muddled.
I guess it all depends on your perception, which of course depends on so many other things, which i don’t really feel like going into.
Anyways i have come to one conclusion over my past two years of existence in the real world, well the first one I don’t really like it the second I don’t really care. Ok just kidding, well iv realized that Hyd is not really the place where i belong and it wont be my final destination, another thing i have learnt over this small period of time is that alone is a state of existence that one can bear only for a limited period of time and i think well that expiry date for me is coming close. So this is to my friends shift close by man so that we can have a decent conversation. Another thing that i have realized is that I cant have too much of a good thing for too long , i get bored , which means that I need to be surrounded by a plethora of multicultural, multi level , multiple frequency ppl so that i can keep my self entertained, and as I am a slightly introvertish fellow atleast a slow beginner , it means that my state of boredom is final and well will remain , of course unless I meet some person with MPD ( Multiple Personality Disorder for the uninitiated) , well that is an interesting thought .
Ok so I think this blog is extending a bit longer than expected so we will end this session here you can always join me in well self analysis by well me.
No wonder none of this is working. I can’t sleep though im sleepy, i cant even pretend to work, i cant think and well the chats come to a complete standstill.
Its strange how we exist in this multilevel parallel universes, well if i existed in all those different parallel worlds doing those multiple things, i think id end up doing them pretty well, but since i don’t really believe in the concept of Parallel Universes, well it gets a bit muddled.
I guess it all depends on your perception, which of course depends on so many other things, which i don’t really feel like going into.
Anyways i have come to one conclusion over my past two years of existence in the real world, well the first one I don’t really like it the second I don’t really care. Ok just kidding, well iv realized that Hyd is not really the place where i belong and it wont be my final destination, another thing i have learnt over this small period of time is that alone is a state of existence that one can bear only for a limited period of time and i think well that expiry date for me is coming close. So this is to my friends shift close by man so that we can have a decent conversation. Another thing that i have realized is that I cant have too much of a good thing for too long , i get bored , which means that I need to be surrounded by a plethora of multicultural, multi level , multiple frequency ppl so that i can keep my self entertained, and as I am a slightly introvertish fellow atleast a slow beginner , it means that my state of boredom is final and well will remain , of course unless I meet some person with MPD ( Multiple Personality Disorder for the uninitiated) , well that is an interesting thought .
Ok so I think this blog is extending a bit longer than expected so we will end this session here you can always join me in well self analysis by well me.
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