A Study In Existentiality

Writing seems to me as the most self indulgent exercise that one can experience, its that sense of relief that one feels after penning down thoughts, ideas , images, concepts , general nonsensical information, that draws me to this platform again and again.

Its quite strange how every time i think of writing i have absolutely nothing to say yet i end up writing so much without really saying anything. That's for well me to understand and work out.
At present i write in an atmosphere of enormous cheer in a language which i don't really understand and i think towards which I'm developing a negative prejudice.

Prejudice, who would have ever thought id develop those . I in general maybe through my initial envt have always been a guy with a very high tolerance for others thoughts , religions , languages. But as i pass through this strange journey every lil event seems to leave its footstep on me. Its kinda strange how we walk through life and life leaves a mark on us well and some of us leave a mark on the world. Now that's another thing that ill come to later, but anyways we collect our minor experiences, and allow it to penetrate within us to leave a mark which is not really visible. And then you wake up one day and u see that u rnt the same person you were a month ago.

What really happened, some part of you blocks it out , but you know you have changed and then your colleagues , family, acquaintances also realise it. And then its a whole new story, you try to live in the same social boundaries in the same social bonds but with a completely different tuning. I guess you could compare it to riding a bike tuned for the hills in the planes, immense power but which results in inefficiency, or vicaversa, too much of restriction leading to decreased effectively. So all it requires is an attitude adjust meant , no that's already happened it needs a relationship adjustment and if both parties don't realises the importance of this the relation strains and finally falls apart into a thing that could have been.

Sad enough i have done this before , cos i have never really seen the importance of social bonding, i have walked through life with a lot of friends and acquaintances but very few that i have valued. And the ones that were not important their loss was not really a grief to me . It was with surgical excellence that i have dissected and thrown away these parts of me into the pathways of the past.

So i walk into the future as i was meant to, alone. But then once in a while ghosts from the past , those who were almost there come back and haunt me, and the pain i feel is extreme. Its not everyday but they do come once in a while.

In fact i think my social sieve is quite fine cos by the end of it all i have collected is very lil, i wonder when its all over what i will hold in my hand a question which doesn't really bother me , i ask this at present with the mind of a scientist , curiosity being the main emotion behind it all nothing else. I wonder how It will be.

There was a time when future was a dream in a million colors but now its well a blank thing, i think this might be temporary , but lets see how long this lasts. At present if i think of the future there is no place that i see myself, i cant really explain that at present the day i can i will .

bye