Its kind of strange that at times a completely unemployed individual, sitting at home can find himself not having enough time to carry out three simple tasks that hes planned for the day.
The plan was simple apply to RBS which considering that i just had to answer 3 simple questions regarding why i was a fit and why RBS was a fit for me which was not to expand beyond 750 words and then to upload my docs including a cover letter which needed to be customized seemed like not that big a task.The second task for the day was even simpler to just take a print out of the damn PSW application and lastly to write one single mail requesting for a copy of my Award letter and yet here it is the end of the day in fact 2 hours into the next day and still I have a Cover letter to customize and i have just finished writing the damn letter to the school.
Now you may ask what the hells wrong with me and the reply is simple nothing its just that im distracted by this little bundle of joy that i get to babysit at nights and to hold in the days while he sleeps for durations not extending beyond 4 hours. And when its not this its time to entertain the little critter by making an absolute fool of myself. Yes its ARIHAANT my little nephew. The wee kid is just 8 weeks old and i think hes already the centre of my life. Its kind of a strange how things change over an years time or for that matter of fact even over 8 weeks time.
When i had come to the Uk he wasn't even conceived, did not exist , and yet one year down the line here he is. In actuality even when my sis was pregnant i think it never dawned on me , the reality of having a child in the house. I know at first it was just an increase in girth and then later on just this sudden regime of having food on time eating your 5s a day and stuff, then it became little inconveniences for my sis like having to pee in the middle of the night and not having alcohol , i was not affected by it atleast not that much , yes i had to shop more carefully for groceries and be more precise as to the timing of my return to home, and whether i should have my sis wait for diner , which we figured out after some time that she couldn't really wait when she was hungry she was and may god help you if you came between her and her plate. Then there were the new baby things in the house like moses basket and the wee tub and the clothes. and the final stone was the arrival of grandma Sood , my mom .
But to tell you the truth i think nothing could have prepared me for it all. I mean even when my sis went into labor and was in the hospital and while my mom and her husband waited in the hospital i was chilled out at home , looking forward to the freedom of smoking cigarettes without making excuses to go out.
Well i think things changed when he came home ,Though its not like they say in the movies and stuff its not like the first time i saw him i fell in love with him , yes he was cute and yes initially its the helplessness of any child which really appeals to one. However its that every day is exciting and enriching with him , every day is special and new . I think i fell in love with him over time over these experiences, the first time i stayed up a night to feed him, the first time i rocked him to sleep or rather cajoled him to it , it was the firs time i made him squeal in joy over something i did and the list continues and as the experiences change i dote over him even more.
One can look at a child forever , hold a child forever , its just one of those things time seems to be travelling at break neck speed, and the baby grows so fast. And yet every second that you are awake you want to spend with the baby, not only when hes awake but also when hes asleep. Even now he sleeps peacefully in his basket by my sight cooing away in the middle just to let me know hes there.
Right as if on cue, need to drop this post now the baby's awake and demands feeding , and believe you me you dont want to get between my baby and his bottle either, i guess like mother like son
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Fear
iving is a bit like being in a washing machine , you get tumbled around and spun and squeezed , you meet others who are going through the same thing , you are enhanced by the experience at times others leave impressions on you and in the end you are hung out to dry . and then the cycle begins yet once again
I guess this is a perception which might differ and it may indeed be different for different people , but I feel that as we grow older we fear more and we fear deeply with like more passion and belief.
I guess when we are children the fears are mostly irrational , i mean its about the darkness or about ghosts inanimate objects or minor obstacles things like that , but as we grow older i think the fears are more real and plausible, fear of failure, loneliness, helplessness, rejection. I mean what are the chances that the monsters under ones bed would actually devour him but its quite likely that you could get fired, could get old and could die.
Another reason i feel fears seem so real and claustrophobic as we grow up is that we at the same time also experience the passage the time, the burden of expectations increases be it from oneself or from the society. I mean who gives a shite when ones a child. But as you grow up its important to have that self worth of what ones achieved. That feeling of having conquered having lived and this just increases the fear.
And the fear makes one paralyzed , limited n movement, constricted and contoured by the limitations of ones own fear, and then even one step outside the context created is fear itself.
Well thats my perception of it , to what degree i live by this is debatable, but i know that i am affected by it , the fear of mediocrity, the fear of not living up the fear of failure and rejection.
Though if you take it a step deeper these fears no matter how real they appear are actually just constructs of society and self and can be actually self triggered and similarly monitored and controlled. To learn how to do that would be the ultimate learning in life. To learn how to respond and be unaffected by the fear of something. Everyday we function within it .
For intellectual discussion lets try and deconstruct one of my fears lets say the fear of mediocrity , is mediocrity not a relative term , and for that matter of fact how could one define it. Is happiness and mediocrity linked in reality. Is mediocrity not in my control , i mean would mediocrity be living a life of normalcy , working marrying ,bearing children , taking loans , building a small house earning a relatively average or maybe even below average wage, would that kill or destroy me . Or would it be the notion of me thinking that im mediocre. It could very well be that mediocrity suits me and i am happier living that life. How can one say without actually experiencing it. Is going to a brothel a bad experience, or is it just an experience which is tainted by whats constructed around it . Are values definitive. Should values be altered. is life about experiencing it or fearing every step and being unhappy .
When one thinks of it in this manner how bad can it get , the fear itself dies not seem to be a fear and one can actually even find humor in it , but then for me some days are good and some bad , some days im scared and others im brave. Id like to be brave more often , but i had never really thought bout it in recent days i have and the answers seem simple and worth experimenting with .
So to life then
I guess this is a perception which might differ and it may indeed be different for different people , but I feel that as we grow older we fear more and we fear deeply with like more passion and belief.
I guess when we are children the fears are mostly irrational , i mean its about the darkness or about ghosts inanimate objects or minor obstacles things like that , but as we grow older i think the fears are more real and plausible, fear of failure, loneliness, helplessness, rejection. I mean what are the chances that the monsters under ones bed would actually devour him but its quite likely that you could get fired, could get old and could die.
Another reason i feel fears seem so real and claustrophobic as we grow up is that we at the same time also experience the passage the time, the burden of expectations increases be it from oneself or from the society. I mean who gives a shite when ones a child. But as you grow up its important to have that self worth of what ones achieved. That feeling of having conquered having lived and this just increases the fear.
And the fear makes one paralyzed , limited n movement, constricted and contoured by the limitations of ones own fear, and then even one step outside the context created is fear itself.
Well thats my perception of it , to what degree i live by this is debatable, but i know that i am affected by it , the fear of mediocrity, the fear of not living up the fear of failure and rejection.
Though if you take it a step deeper these fears no matter how real they appear are actually just constructs of society and self and can be actually self triggered and similarly monitored and controlled. To learn how to do that would be the ultimate learning in life. To learn how to respond and be unaffected by the fear of something. Everyday we function within it .
For intellectual discussion lets try and deconstruct one of my fears lets say the fear of mediocrity , is mediocrity not a relative term , and for that matter of fact how could one define it. Is happiness and mediocrity linked in reality. Is mediocrity not in my control , i mean would mediocrity be living a life of normalcy , working marrying ,bearing children , taking loans , building a small house earning a relatively average or maybe even below average wage, would that kill or destroy me . Or would it be the notion of me thinking that im mediocre. It could very well be that mediocrity suits me and i am happier living that life. How can one say without actually experiencing it. Is going to a brothel a bad experience, or is it just an experience which is tainted by whats constructed around it . Are values definitive. Should values be altered. is life about experiencing it or fearing every step and being unhappy .
When one thinks of it in this manner how bad can it get , the fear itself dies not seem to be a fear and one can actually even find humor in it , but then for me some days are good and some bad , some days im scared and others im brave. Id like to be brave more often , but i had never really thought bout it in recent days i have and the answers seem simple and worth experimenting with .
So to life then
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