Conversations

Iv been existing alone for a bit to long i think , i have now forgotten the art of communication , the pleasure in a conversation,seems to have dwindelled, died a neverending death. Perceeded by an acute sense of anxiety received in a calm existence. The Calm however is an event in itself , a moment in time which froze but now has passed , all that exists now is a feeling of loss of grief.

Unknown , unheard i have existed surrounded yet so alone, it seems like an eternity now, yet its been just days. The same conversations with the same people. The anatomy of guilt , the depths of sorrow, the screams of abuse , i hear them i recognise them and then we laugh it off. To move on to the next day a repition of the same once again. I miss the days of joy , i miss them .

An intelligent conversation, an argument with a meaning behind it , where have they gone. All that is left behind is skeletons, or rather wannabe conversations which never quite reach where they are meant to go, the faulicy most probably lies within me but i miss that juicy morsel of intellect, that i chewd on once. Now all i chew on id dried grass and that to a carnivore my friend is death itself.

The conversations somehow seem to have just flown out of my life, i mean maybe there were complete nonsensicle moments in life but then they too are not around,. In a city of dullards i turn dull, moronic scared and they seem so receptive of it.

Gradually i see a detoriation, in spirits in the self in everything and all we can talk about by the end of it is buiseness, about broken relationships , bout how we are growing old , man where is it all .

i doubt its just conversations , but rather its the spirit of living which is dying itself . So i shut myself from these conversations, from these meaningless morsels of nothingness. Well actually iv shut myself from them a long time ago , i think i need to move o to a different place or rather a different level, but theres a feeling of helplessness which creeps in,. Lethargy or rather inertia of chhange of living a different like. i lived and then existed and now the transition back to living seems to be so difficult.

What was it that we use to talk about , to tell you the truth i cant even remember that , what made those conversations worthwile, what put life into them i dont remember. Its like amnesia , its scary when you know your loosing something but wat exactly you cant remember , you know its important to you but yet you cant put your hand on what it ois and all you can generalise it to is conversations.

Strange theory

Im writing from the office once again after a real long time , it feels like ages since i last sat free in the office, im not really free but its one of those days , when i dont feel like working , but well im forced to work for these tit bits and the whole days gone by the end of it.


Anyways thats another story , in recent days i have become even more empty than before, the cause of the emptiness this void is unknown, but ift just feels like, here i am on the road again , here i am up on the stage. Here i go being a star again here i go turn the page. Well for some strange reason this song always resounds within me when that feeling comes. I remember the days in Mumbai, when TISS was over and we were out in the real world, it was so similar , i was so lost there was new work new excitement however there was the void, to big to be ignored and it made itself felt specially in the nights when i use to roam the streets with this song ringing ion my head.

Its kinda strange how every song is associted with some memory or the other with a certain emotion , its something that we felt the first time we listened to it or rather at times its the nth hearing where we heard the song in one particular mood and the song got branded in our conciousness and associated with that kind of emotion. Pretty heavy stuff hugh.

For example whenever i feel hurt by a woman or rather miss a woman the song that rings in my head is Dazed and Confused for so long its not true. And well i guess when i have no cares probably it would be nothing else matters , though i cant really remember the last time i hummed that song, its been longn since i have been care free i guess,. I use to sing it so much at one time.

Another one of my happy songs was My gal my gal where did u sleep last night. Wow man this is a good journey, i mean my gal my gal is not even a happy song but ti makes me happy.

Strange isnt it

Anyways enough of this ill blog in the night probably

meanderings once again

Sometimes you decide youv had enough somethimes you decide that its just a phase, sometimes you give up and sometimes you just hold on, what tells you what needs to be done when it needs to be done , how it needs to be done.

What happens to a man when he is is isolated, if the solitude is complete does it lead to lunacy, what happens when a man shuts all his doors to family, to friends to enemies,. What happens when a man decides he wants his peace does he go crazy . What happens when a man says he wont participate in this race , he wont let it effect him.

Meanderings of a social experiment, trapped in this body this soul sickens away , trapped no more freedom, whats that , how do u attain it. Isnt everyone free at some level.

Past a rosey picture no matter how bad it was it always seems better then the present for some strange reason, we have a habit of hanging on to what has been and never to what is.

Experience , is it just breezing through life, is it wat we learn through our interactions, is it some sort of knowledge or is it a feeling a peresent , the fullness of it, its completeness, its totality.

Totality a question in itself , we search for it , the full circle we live it the full life , but why not the moment isnt it complete in itself. Im just asking questions here not necessary that i know the answers to them all.

Patience , to wait , to hold on to be , to suffer, to enjoy , to live. Something that is short in stock, every one seems to be running out of it in this race towards glory.

Peace tate a life a moment and yet complete, a wholeness for that little time that peace exists.

Restlessness/ anxiety , a state of preperation to find that eternal peace.

Lunacy a difference in opinion, the thirst for answers, the strenghth to say ur not in the same race as every one and to believe it too. hahahah

Meandering - what the mind does when it is isolated, what the mind does when it is permited , the endless search for the endless answers , Id call it a knowledge building exercise.

Love ---------- id let that one be today

Work - what one does not want to do, well i guess thats wat mark twain said , well not in those exact words , but his definition of work and play is amaizing, in reality work and play are both synonymous its just a difference in our perception. But then sometimes u dont even feel like playing

Numbness - a complete lack of feeling, emotion, pain, hatered , love , anger, a vegetative state , strange enough however it can be caused by any of the above mentioned emotions. A state which could lead to meanderings , search for spirituality and the rest of the gamut.

Faith - a fools excuse for doin the wrong things, just kidding. it could be that but its so much more. I guess its the internal fuel that pushes you to achieve somethings and at the same times stops you from doing other things.

Imagination - what creates the colors of life, the product of all the meanderings and thought processes, the picture of relity before it turns into one.

Excess - what this last post is, too much said to much done time out for now, till we start playing again

Basket ball - couldnt help this one , a game, a passion a life , miss it man

The lone wolf

the wolfs out tonite, roaming in the streets, its rare , usually its tamed but today its out, rabied and hurt, lost howling at the moon, gnashing everything on its way.

Hes out there tonite be carefull , he could kill u with a strike , he could bite you and take ur innards out. The ability to recognise to register his own does not exist anymore. The differentiator between right and wrong the soldier called morality are all tonite , killed eaten slain and the wolfs on the prowl, through the dark night .

Alone the lone wolf , hurt and angry at the world, for makint it wat it is , for doing what it has, for making him insane. Confused he searches searches for what he desires , the blood drips from his mouth , the taste of human flesh seems beautifull. he wants to go to his cave but hes surrounded , its either them or him and he has the will to survive, today he destroys today he kills, be carefull for its ur life or his,.


Kill him they shout in the streets this bearer of evil, vile he is destroy him, he runs through the streets for his life, he wants his cave , will he survive.

Tomorrow might be a brighter day , but tonite its cold outside , its freezing with raging death its so peacefull here tonite.


I want a part of this misery , i am a part of it all , tonite i lie in bed dying and howling at the moon. The lunatic is out agin hes hiding in the greass the lunatic is out again looking for his soul.