As the year comes to an end like all obedient bloggers and more for personal reasons i record below as objectively as possible the happenings of 2007
Family : Supported by them, lived of them maybe let them down a bit but in the long run established good ties once again. Failure at times can be a bonding factor and the year 2007 has been overall an year of failure for me . Everytime I have failed i have gone to my family for support and have received unconditional suypport for them. This is to thank them for what ever they have done. Though throughout the year I spent only 15 odd days with them , they have been my spine throught the beating that i have taken this year. And the love and respecvt that i have towards them has only increased. So overall id say a 3 out of five for this particular segment of my life
Work : The year started on rough weaters, three months into the organisation that i worked for and i was trying to find my place and security. Alas neither was at hands reach. Idrowned in feb and to tell you the truth the felling was pleasent , it was the feeling of being unburdened , the feeling of lightness. In March itself after a 15 day honeymoon , i was back at work , more determined than ever, and ever since it has been good. Reached my target effectively, though failed to create a sustainable self growing symbiotic environment. There were phases of Intoxicatingly enticing activities and then the dull moments in life the last two odd months saw me getting detached from work and more involved with GMAT.
But then the two months worked at went down the drain because of a stupid ignorance and oversight. So to conslude the yeqar 2007 was disastrous , It began on a low note and ended almost dying.
Relationship : Love was never found again only lost in the very begining of the year. Nothing else really happened , made no efforts , sustained singularity and self pity, end of the year love is not that important anymore.
Friendship: some died and some were rekindeled. Spoilt my relationship with a few close friends I think was uncomfortable with their proximity. Rekindled frienship with a few friends who had not kept in touch, who were far away , decvember in particular was the month were i met some of the people that i really liked meeting. But there was this saddness which had crept in, but yet it felt good. So for friendship i would say it was a mixed year. By the way the support that i received at the end of the year in terms of for my GMAT was amaizing it feels really good to know that so many people care.
Colleagues: Distances grew indifference crept in , Friendships falterd and we still exist .
Health : Detoriated the failure to succed in any other aspect of life left me drawn to the end of my resources, filled with alcohol and smoke , theres nothing much that the body could do. It was an year of complete abandon , nothing was checked and no efforts made.
Travell : Went to a place that i wanted to visit for a long time , Manipal , it still had the charm that had enticed us young people ages ago. But well this time it was a bit tarnished with a taste of evil , i blame it to me. Wanted to spend more time living in the past but the present was calling all along , and so finally i moved to its call. Rest was al lrelated to work, Nagpur though tentative felt good as this time i was in control and not the othwer way round.
The Blog : this is completely subjective , the blog which had died an year ago found its life again, creative juices flowed and the writing became better , still not reached the cresendo that one day it will , but then the melodys returned to it.
ME: Emotionally exhausted, physically tired, a bit of a failure, yet a dreamer. Whether good or bad the decisions were mine the ignorance was mine and so were the results. Not satisfactory though but important , learnt a bit faltered a lot , felt sad felt happy. The year saw a change in me , saw some seriousness creeping in , saw some lightheartedness coming in. I was empowered and I failed , but that s nbot the end , thats just a delay , yes i hate the oppertunity cost , but ill live.
So if u people are worrying bout me dont cos im good, I dont really know its not indifference , i think its detemination. Somehow i feel that i have connected with myself this year lets see.
Wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year
Shashwat
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
GMAT goes down the drain
Well I write here in my complete senses, rather a bit of numbness is coming over , as i have been raving about it, I am all set to give my GMAt tomorrow, and to score the promised 650 plus score. Alas however this seems to be an abandoned hope now.
After bout two months of preperation , well putting in a bit extra work didnt slog but did work, i feel that now it is in my fait that i will not give my exam tomorrow, and also that i wont get admission into any Business school this fall, and all of this because of my stupidity .
I write this blog controlling this urge to shout and to get angry with the world, with the cicumstances , with my stupidity. But I think ill let it go this time. Ill blame fate for it and walk out on life , everytime i have done something or rather tried doing something to go abroad it has failed. Its not in desperation that i write this but rather in anger. First it was the cpmc or HPC wathever the shit , i was fast to act and well i paid for it , the board name changed and i got screwed in the middle. and now its the stupid GMAT, I was slow on the uptake and well I probably will fail at this too.
You see i dont have my passport with me right now, neither do i have a photostate of it. So in effect i dont have the valid proof required. To add to these circumstances my parents are sitting in Europe , so even if on an urgent basis i was to request for a fax to be sent, its not possible, my parents from here leave to America and basically im royally fucked for the next two months.
What does all of this do to me, it makes me stronger they say , well im not to sure maybe it does. It makes me wanna prepare better , to choose the Bschools I want to go to , to live live like a fool for a bit and then to give the gmat again in another two months , bye bye Fall admissions.
It hurts , though i wasnt prepared in terms of the surity that the people who really want to get there have , infact i was a bit hesitant bout the schools not certain where i stood a chance, but sometimes u need to take a risk , and well i think thats what lifes trying to teach me over the past one year , i was trying god this was a risk for me. But any ways i think i have become a bit harder, i have learnt how to accept it better.
So my POA for tomorrow, to walk over to the place ask them to take me in show them my other IDs and well if it works lifes back to the same struggle of looking for Bschools and meeting deadlines. If it dosent work then i have to accept that it didnt work and try to move on , i think i will still look for the Bschools and them maybe travell to get my transcripts , after two months sit for the stupid GMAT score a 750 this time and then move on to the Spring session.
Lord please make note its takes more than that to break me and yes it does make me stronger , but then dont overdo it OK .
After bout two months of preperation , well putting in a bit extra work didnt slog but did work, i feel that now it is in my fait that i will not give my exam tomorrow, and also that i wont get admission into any Business school this fall, and all of this because of my stupidity .
I write this blog controlling this urge to shout and to get angry with the world, with the cicumstances , with my stupidity. But I think ill let it go this time. Ill blame fate for it and walk out on life , everytime i have done something or rather tried doing something to go abroad it has failed. Its not in desperation that i write this but rather in anger. First it was the cpmc or HPC wathever the shit , i was fast to act and well i paid for it , the board name changed and i got screwed in the middle. and now its the stupid GMAT, I was slow on the uptake and well I probably will fail at this too.
You see i dont have my passport with me right now, neither do i have a photostate of it. So in effect i dont have the valid proof required. To add to these circumstances my parents are sitting in Europe , so even if on an urgent basis i was to request for a fax to be sent, its not possible, my parents from here leave to America and basically im royally fucked for the next two months.
What does all of this do to me, it makes me stronger they say , well im not to sure maybe it does. It makes me wanna prepare better , to choose the Bschools I want to go to , to live live like a fool for a bit and then to give the gmat again in another two months , bye bye Fall admissions.
It hurts , though i wasnt prepared in terms of the surity that the people who really want to get there have , infact i was a bit hesitant bout the schools not certain where i stood a chance, but sometimes u need to take a risk , and well i think thats what lifes trying to teach me over the past one year , i was trying god this was a risk for me. But any ways i think i have become a bit harder, i have learnt how to accept it better.
So my POA for tomorrow, to walk over to the place ask them to take me in show them my other IDs and well if it works lifes back to the same struggle of looking for Bschools and meeting deadlines. If it dosent work then i have to accept that it didnt work and try to move on , i think i will still look for the Bschools and them maybe travell to get my transcripts , after two months sit for the stupid GMAT score a 750 this time and then move on to the Spring session.
Lord please make note its takes more than that to break me and yes it does make me stronger , but then dont overdo it OK .
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Reminiscence
It’s been over an year now, yet for some strange reason I come back to her personal space yet again and again, searching for what? Maybe a hope that has long died, maybe just some news on what’s happening in life, maybe a glimpse of something that I knew.
It was a quick period, filled with passion. They were dangerous times, life and death, morality, individuality, Career, Religion everything at stake, yet I took the chance and fell flat on my face.
Its really strange at some level how I can think about it with such clarity and such detachment now. The pleas no longer resound in this body, the way they use to an year ago. Iv made my peace with lord, stopped being angry and accepted fait as it came. Iv moved on to this new emptiness, which though dark is yet comforting. Iv come a long way.
Emotions are a disaster most of the times and yet time after time we let them control us. New resolutions made now, new direction adopted, new hopes dreamt off and still the past lives in us. It’s never a clean slate is it? That whiff of air, that twinkle of an eye, that perfumed breath, the luscious body on a stranger in the balcony, on the road, in your head all of it brings it back suddenly. A glorious Sunrise , a dance move, a jog in the park . hahaha
The point here is not the Present but the glorious past, it’s kind of strange how it brings joy to me now, not the notion of not having, but the notion of having had. That’s the brilliance of it all. So here I take a cigarette break to break the monotony of Daily toil. A cup of coffee, a bit of sunshine and reminiscence brings it back again , those days of Passion , those days of joy, those days of having lived dangerously.
Would I live them again yes I would, a million times and more , to reminiscent yet once again of what I was before.
Merry Christmas everyone
It was a quick period, filled with passion. They were dangerous times, life and death, morality, individuality, Career, Religion everything at stake, yet I took the chance and fell flat on my face.
Its really strange at some level how I can think about it with such clarity and such detachment now. The pleas no longer resound in this body, the way they use to an year ago. Iv made my peace with lord, stopped being angry and accepted fait as it came. Iv moved on to this new emptiness, which though dark is yet comforting. Iv come a long way.
Emotions are a disaster most of the times and yet time after time we let them control us. New resolutions made now, new direction adopted, new hopes dreamt off and still the past lives in us. It’s never a clean slate is it? That whiff of air, that twinkle of an eye, that perfumed breath, the luscious body on a stranger in the balcony, on the road, in your head all of it brings it back suddenly. A glorious Sunrise , a dance move, a jog in the park . hahaha
The point here is not the Present but the glorious past, it’s kind of strange how it brings joy to me now, not the notion of not having, but the notion of having had. That’s the brilliance of it all. So here I take a cigarette break to break the monotony of Daily toil. A cup of coffee, a bit of sunshine and reminiscence brings it back again , those days of Passion , those days of joy, those days of having lived dangerously.
Would I live them again yes I would, a million times and more , to reminiscent yet once again of what I was before.
Merry Christmas everyone
Monday, December 10, 2007
Why I Exist
The Question is not how I Exist it is why I Exist, it’s a nice Sunday morning not to sunny and I sit at my table (borrowed) sipping a nice cup of tea. The hangover from yesterday completely clouds my memory of an evening well spent. The women were pretty and as for me I don’t really remember.
I hate it when I cant remember things from the night before and that’s why the morning is like this. I sit here planning my Sunday and all I can think of is sleep, which of course won’t come. My Gmat’s coming close and the party scene has just begun, too many nights out and too many days of drunken stupor.
On days like today after a well earned hangover I always wonder where I am going. I don’t really know maybe too much of alcohol and a hangover make me introspective. But the truth is I really get pissed with my present status. I mean working away from home, living like an outcast and working like a dog all these things make me want to throw up now. I want to move into richer quarters closer to home , but what I have planned for is moving out of the country completely.
Ill tell u a truth that not many people know, im not to sure, im not to confident, im a little shackled by my inhibitions. I don’t even know if I want to be out of India, if I want to experience a different culture, if I can study again, if ill succeed.
Ok so let’s look at my goals –
To go to America and do an MBA (this fluctuates to other countries at times), and sometimes I really think I wont achieve it and its on the top of my priorities as I feel I can accomplish my other goals through this.
2nd Goal to become rich – this ones such an uncertain goal for example I was rich yesterday as for today im poor and tomorrow god knows , u get the drift there is a goal but no action plan , I guess ill rob a bank . But then lets not give this too much thought all I know is I want to be rich, rich enough to take my parents on a World tour,to buy a car, to drink my kind of beer in my kind of places and also to visit my friends when I feel like it.
3rd to be with my parents enough of independence I want now to be close to my parents . To be scolded by them in person not the way I am now, not a bloody mongrel I n a different city, I want to be the top dog in my city , ya sadly enough im not to sure which city that is. And more importantly it’s a city where my parents will be with me.
4th I want to be in love. I feel that without love u r incomplete, empty and well all the half filled things that’s possible. Its very important for me to be in love with someone, and she reciprocating my love in her ways. I feel that at 27 I should have done something about it but then there’s nothing happening im meeting boring people, im getting too drunk too often and im basically wasting a lifetime.
5th I want to learn something new everyday , at work, in life , a sentence, a word, a process, an idea, a game, a joke a limitation ,an ability. This I feel is something that’s not happening at all I want to learn life and it just wont happen because people are to busy doing today what they did yesterday, even me I had a drink yesterday so ill do it today, and the same for work , I am not living my work im existing in it. I will do loads of new kinds of work but in the end they are all repetitions of what I did yesterday.
6th I want to become fit, not good looking or some super-cool dude, all I want from life is a certain level of fitness, the ability to run a Half marathon , doesn’t matter where im placed by the end of it. The ability to dance Salsa in the middle of the night and not even feel a bit of it going through me. The ability to go on a hike, Mountain climbing, scuba dive, swim. Now there’s nothing in me which prevents me from doing it , but im not doing it, too pushed for time, to lazy for it too .
Last but not the least I want to quit Smoking, its killing me , I know that but every time I think about it all I want to do is light a cigarette and think about it.
I agree u don’t have to be Einstein to know where u going but then u need to give it a thought once in a while, at least as fore me I suck at it. But now that I have this on well a computer screen ( in olden days it would be in black and white or on a piece of paper) and now that u who read my blog know about it I think there might be some motivation .
Oh shit by the way my last wish to learn how to slow dance, the walts, the foxtrot, balls to the salsas, that’s all I need. Well not really id like to learn how to dance.
So resolutions set well before new-year, its time that I start the action.
Love u all and a Merry Christmas to u all and a glorious New Year.
(Any free ladies call me remember goal number 4).
I hate it when I cant remember things from the night before and that’s why the morning is like this. I sit here planning my Sunday and all I can think of is sleep, which of course won’t come. My Gmat’s coming close and the party scene has just begun, too many nights out and too many days of drunken stupor.
On days like today after a well earned hangover I always wonder where I am going. I don’t really know maybe too much of alcohol and a hangover make me introspective. But the truth is I really get pissed with my present status. I mean working away from home, living like an outcast and working like a dog all these things make me want to throw up now. I want to move into richer quarters closer to home , but what I have planned for is moving out of the country completely.
Ill tell u a truth that not many people know, im not to sure, im not to confident, im a little shackled by my inhibitions. I don’t even know if I want to be out of India, if I want to experience a different culture, if I can study again, if ill succeed.
Ok so let’s look at my goals –
To go to America and do an MBA (this fluctuates to other countries at times), and sometimes I really think I wont achieve it and its on the top of my priorities as I feel I can accomplish my other goals through this.
2nd Goal to become rich – this ones such an uncertain goal for example I was rich yesterday as for today im poor and tomorrow god knows , u get the drift there is a goal but no action plan , I guess ill rob a bank . But then lets not give this too much thought all I know is I want to be rich, rich enough to take my parents on a World tour,to buy a car, to drink my kind of beer in my kind of places and also to visit my friends when I feel like it.
3rd to be with my parents enough of independence I want now to be close to my parents . To be scolded by them in person not the way I am now, not a bloody mongrel I n a different city, I want to be the top dog in my city , ya sadly enough im not to sure which city that is. And more importantly it’s a city where my parents will be with me.
4th I want to be in love. I feel that without love u r incomplete, empty and well all the half filled things that’s possible. Its very important for me to be in love with someone, and she reciprocating my love in her ways. I feel that at 27 I should have done something about it but then there’s nothing happening im meeting boring people, im getting too drunk too often and im basically wasting a lifetime.
5th I want to learn something new everyday , at work, in life , a sentence, a word, a process, an idea, a game, a joke a limitation ,an ability. This I feel is something that’s not happening at all I want to learn life and it just wont happen because people are to busy doing today what they did yesterday, even me I had a drink yesterday so ill do it today, and the same for work , I am not living my work im existing in it. I will do loads of new kinds of work but in the end they are all repetitions of what I did yesterday.
6th I want to become fit, not good looking or some super-cool dude, all I want from life is a certain level of fitness, the ability to run a Half marathon , doesn’t matter where im placed by the end of it. The ability to dance Salsa in the middle of the night and not even feel a bit of it going through me. The ability to go on a hike, Mountain climbing, scuba dive, swim. Now there’s nothing in me which prevents me from doing it , but im not doing it, too pushed for time, to lazy for it too .
Last but not the least I want to quit Smoking, its killing me , I know that but every time I think about it all I want to do is light a cigarette and think about it.
I agree u don’t have to be Einstein to know where u going but then u need to give it a thought once in a while, at least as fore me I suck at it. But now that I have this on well a computer screen ( in olden days it would be in black and white or on a piece of paper) and now that u who read my blog know about it I think there might be some motivation .
Oh shit by the way my last wish to learn how to slow dance, the walts, the foxtrot, balls to the salsas, that’s all I need. Well not really id like to learn how to dance.
So resolutions set well before new-year, its time that I start the action.
Love u all and a Merry Christmas to u all and a glorious New Year.
(Any free ladies call me remember goal number 4).
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