Who knew his life would change like that, here he was stuck , but with a plan , a plan to move beyond all of it, A plan to maybe one day reach what he had aimed for. He knew he was ambitious he knew he would never be satisfied. The question would always come back what next.
He was away from home living a life of a hermit, and the blocks that he imposed on himself made it no better. Was he disciplined no , all he knew was that there was a confort level to it. He knew he was taking things at his pace, but he also knew that the pace was slow, and if things didnt change he would loose out one day. He was waiting and the time had come , he had failed , and he was scared to move on.
He would sit in the corner dreaming of what would be , beautifully colored dreams in bright hues, filled with joy and success. And then would wake up and find himself at the same place. It had not worked out for him and his soul was stifelled , what he could have been no one knew and what he was no one cared.
Id write this one more but i dont think im in the right frame of mind to event put the options out clearly .
Actually id say there are three options open now all ohh so fucking difficult to take
1) Change (spontaneous) = Risk but could be really exciting , but could also be frightfully uncertain and worst case scenario could be frustrating and incapacitating.
2)Remain ( unplanned) = Risk could be monotonous but comforting , could also be frustrating in terms of velocity
3) The Dream ( Planned) = Risk would probably be exciting but then theres some uncertainity to it.
is there really a choice there I mean by the end of it i think i could play it on the dice .
managers of tomorrow fucking fuddies today .
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
My take on --------what ever comes to mind
Good Morning , or rather afternoon, its 11:00 am and Iv just woken up, had my cup of tea and systems asking for one more. Bloody addictions in life. I was woken up with a call from a frantic colleague, about keys that i had which he was suppose to have, I don't really thing that's a very congenial way to wake up but then this is life and everything ain't perfect ( like my English here).
Its stupid how people at times shirk their responsibilities and blame it on other people , but if its his programme shouldn't he have remembered the keys yesterday , if im the Key master arnt people suppose to come to me for the keys , rather then me reminding them to pick them up.
Its kinda shocking a lot of things have been cleared in recent days, I met Putlur yesterday , hes this PT friend of mine in the US, they come down here with hoards if money, but with the US economy falling to some extent it ain't that rosy anymore. I mean think about it , the dollars fallen to 38 Rs. at best5 ud get 39 , a coffee in Starbucks costs you 2 -3 dollars almost equivalent to a similar coffee in Cafe coffee day or barista. Yaaaa Globalisation were reaching there rnt we. In fact there are certain standard things which at certain periods like Christmas sales are actually discounted to prices even unthinkable in India. Putlur s changed lots hes getting married to the gal he went out with in college, hes quit smoking, weed, hes started exercising and hes built up well. While in those times he use to talk bout scoring and shit like that now he talks bout the Chicago marathon and muscle milk shakes though all with this really nazal accent.
I met an American friend of his and well its like in the books with this specimen , they talk bout nothing else but football, and women. well just about, I took a liking to this fellow, his name is Taylor , man imagine after doing his Accounts in school, he did PT in ug and Health care management in masters and now hes thinking of going back to accounts at the same time giving an exam for a job in a Nuclear Power plant , where he'd be an operator, on job training , and what does he get bout 30$ an hour, that by the way my friend is equivalent to 1200 bucks an hour which when u work for 8 hours becomes 9600 Rs. per day . What says you not bad huh. And for what being an operator, not a scientist not a chemist , not a doctor an operator. I d not even compare that to the Indian scenario. Anyways this guys a bloody nice guy, probably scoring like crazy i know most of our Indian women would fall for him , its interesting to hear him out.
Well that's my international experience I thirst more of it now i can understand when people compare Europe to America how Americans are suppose to be warmer. I think that might be true, but i think their political view is pretty dumb. I mean being a super power and all is quite allright , but funding wars through your peoples money to an extent that economies fall , i think that's dumb.
At some level i think with progress their is also regress, and probably it might be important for us to learn the technique. What i mean by this is that as we are progressing all Humans , Indians , Americans, Europeans ( Though probably after everyone else) Chinese, rest of the world, probably need to relearn the ways of the past , the brutish barbarian natures of before., self centered and well not bound. But of course at the same time we would also be able to switch between our polished so called professional selves. So it would be like a composed identity of two opposite halves. I think that's how the worlds running right now and that's what we all need to become one day or to go extinct. Now that i think of it i Think anthropology might have been a good field for me cos most of my friends think im just a polished neanderthal . HEHEHE
Its stupid how people at times shirk their responsibilities and blame it on other people , but if its his programme shouldn't he have remembered the keys yesterday , if im the Key master arnt people suppose to come to me for the keys , rather then me reminding them to pick them up.
Its kinda shocking a lot of things have been cleared in recent days, I met Putlur yesterday , hes this PT friend of mine in the US, they come down here with hoards if money, but with the US economy falling to some extent it ain't that rosy anymore. I mean think about it , the dollars fallen to 38 Rs. at best5 ud get 39 , a coffee in Starbucks costs you 2 -3 dollars almost equivalent to a similar coffee in Cafe coffee day or barista. Yaaaa Globalisation were reaching there rnt we. In fact there are certain standard things which at certain periods like Christmas sales are actually discounted to prices even unthinkable in India. Putlur s changed lots hes getting married to the gal he went out with in college, hes quit smoking, weed, hes started exercising and hes built up well. While in those times he use to talk bout scoring and shit like that now he talks bout the Chicago marathon and muscle milk shakes though all with this really nazal accent.
I met an American friend of his and well its like in the books with this specimen , they talk bout nothing else but football, and women. well just about, I took a liking to this fellow, his name is Taylor , man imagine after doing his Accounts in school, he did PT in ug and Health care management in masters and now hes thinking of going back to accounts at the same time giving an exam for a job in a Nuclear Power plant , where he'd be an operator, on job training , and what does he get bout 30$ an hour, that by the way my friend is equivalent to 1200 bucks an hour which when u work for 8 hours becomes 9600 Rs. per day . What says you not bad huh. And for what being an operator, not a scientist not a chemist , not a doctor an operator. I d not even compare that to the Indian scenario. Anyways this guys a bloody nice guy, probably scoring like crazy i know most of our Indian women would fall for him , its interesting to hear him out.
Well that's my international experience I thirst more of it now i can understand when people compare Europe to America how Americans are suppose to be warmer. I think that might be true, but i think their political view is pretty dumb. I mean being a super power and all is quite allright , but funding wars through your peoples money to an extent that economies fall , i think that's dumb.
At some level i think with progress their is also regress, and probably it might be important for us to learn the technique. What i mean by this is that as we are progressing all Humans , Indians , Americans, Europeans ( Though probably after everyone else) Chinese, rest of the world, probably need to relearn the ways of the past , the brutish barbarian natures of before., self centered and well not bound. But of course at the same time we would also be able to switch between our polished so called professional selves. So it would be like a composed identity of two opposite halves. I think that's how the worlds running right now and that's what we all need to become one day or to go extinct. Now that i think of it i Think anthropology might have been a good field for me cos most of my friends think im just a polished neanderthal . HEHEHE
Friday, January 25, 2008
a Wokmans day
Its Just the time before work, I mean its been some time that iv been In the office now, have had my cup of coffee, have read the horoscopes in the daily’s, have gone through my bunch of mail. And made polite social conversations with my colleagues. Its basically one of those days when I don’t want to be rushed into working my ass off, I guess you can understand those days, when you want to take life at your pace.
So here I sit before I jump into the grind for another three four hours, This is the time when there is peace and well the time of anticipation, the time when strategies are made for the day and then reassesses at the time of leaving, to see how far you have achieved what you wanted to, I guess it’s a daily existence strategy the strategy to survive.
Well its bout 2:30 right now and, the world does not seem to be in a mood to work , and now is just bout the time that my working world or rather days breaking into pieces. Its been a Fuzz in the morning , some work got done , some half done some not touched. Unexpected new equations into the general work day, somehow u never budget time for the unexpected. Now its lunchtime and im just going to be off, but before that thought I d enter a few words. Well there’s a meeting at four, a design that needs to come in by 6 another to be finalized for Monday, a IOU for Saturday. Man this is shitty. ECG Crash course is going to be crashing for sure after all the stupid facilitators loosing interest.
Ok anyway did some more work, now im off for home goodnight
So here I sit before I jump into the grind for another three four hours, This is the time when there is peace and well the time of anticipation, the time when strategies are made for the day and then reassesses at the time of leaving, to see how far you have achieved what you wanted to, I guess it’s a daily existence strategy the strategy to survive.
Well its bout 2:30 right now and, the world does not seem to be in a mood to work , and now is just bout the time that my working world or rather days breaking into pieces. Its been a Fuzz in the morning , some work got done , some half done some not touched. Unexpected new equations into the general work day, somehow u never budget time for the unexpected. Now its lunchtime and im just going to be off, but before that thought I d enter a few words. Well there’s a meeting at four, a design that needs to come in by 6 another to be finalized for Monday, a IOU for Saturday. Man this is shitty. ECG Crash course is going to be crashing for sure after all the stupid facilitators loosing interest.
Ok anyway did some more work, now im off for home goodnight
Monday, January 21, 2008
Abstract thought
Well I just talked to a very close friend , felt awfully good, she gave me some good news and its always nice to be a part of that. The clarity scares me a bit to tell u the truth , but then i think iv just grown a bit old and well dispondent. New prospects now show failure rather than success , man i need one major attitude adjustment.
But then some of these friends bring out the old me in me and thats whats best about them.
I love u guys.
Now it begins
There is one cigarette left and a whole lot to say to the world. Its been good for the last few days very nice and calm and iv been waiting for the storm , i think its due soon , but then did I tell u guys I really love the storms. So i wait in anticipation for the first drops the cold winds and the beautiful rain .
Flight of Ideas reminds me of fertility , of new growth of blossoms and birds. Of freedom of blue skies, of flight, of nests, of homes , of family of friends, of good food, of beer, of bladders and soccer , of college and basketball, of gravel piles and dancing, of midnight strolls, of libraries, of promises, of brotherhood, of victories , of losses , of heart breaks and of love. Of the color pink , of marijuana, of seas and of sounds , Pink Floyd , and led zep , of doors and American prayers, of passages , of light , of god.
Well doesn't that contain the whole world in it or did i miss something aahhh yeah of lunatics and of me.
I think this is one weird post but it was fun anyway.
Goodnight.
Man follow that one if u can.
But then some of these friends bring out the old me in me and thats whats best about them.
I love u guys.
Now it begins
There is one cigarette left and a whole lot to say to the world. Its been good for the last few days very nice and calm and iv been waiting for the storm , i think its due soon , but then did I tell u guys I really love the storms. So i wait in anticipation for the first drops the cold winds and the beautiful rain .
Flight of Ideas reminds me of fertility , of new growth of blossoms and birds. Of freedom of blue skies, of flight, of nests, of homes , of family of friends, of good food, of beer, of bladders and soccer , of college and basketball, of gravel piles and dancing, of midnight strolls, of libraries, of promises, of brotherhood, of victories , of losses , of heart breaks and of love. Of the color pink , of marijuana, of seas and of sounds , Pink Floyd , and led zep , of doors and American prayers, of passages , of light , of god.
Well doesn't that contain the whole world in it or did i miss something aahhh yeah of lunatics and of me.
I think this is one weird post but it was fun anyway.
Goodnight.
Man follow that one if u can.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Good Day
Hello Beautiful, well im back in the groove today , its been a good day , a buisy morning and the feeling of well worth is back with me . It feels nice to be back .
But then you bnever know the days still young , but i think prepared this time.
But then you bnever know the days still young , but i think prepared this time.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The analysis of the day
I woke in the morning and i rose my weary head .... well thats how i got up today , actually maybe a bit beter , last night a friend had come over to spend the night we saw a few movies gulped a few beers and well generally felt happy.
I have been going thru these phases where, there are the good days , the bad days and the ugly days , and todays been somewhere between bad and ugly i guess. The way that i categorise these days is not somethng rational at all , for example a good day might be a really hectic day with a lot of work being done in it , and maybe even a failure somewhere. A bad day might be a nice relaxed day spent at home doing the nothings that we do so often.
Of late that empty feelings coming back again the purpose of life seems to have elluded me yet once again , and im back to the rudderless ship situation. But when i look at the whole picture i guess it aint that bad.
Ok so back to the day , it was a relaxed day , got up at nine , drank my cup of tea, logged into orkut / facebook, watched a bit of a movie, bathed and off for lunch to the friend's house mentioned above. Took some beer there had a bit of the good food watched some nonsensical television. Slept for 4 solid hours, took a walk , had some sweets at a mithai shop , for some strange reason reminded me of home. Came back , bought some food and well now i sit to blog.
Now tell me where do u see the ugliness in that , but i feel it deep inside you know , that was a day wasted and it dosent feel good. Yes I did need the rest, yes i did need the relaxation, but somethings missing from there , its one of those days when you know something is missing, but you cant quite put your finger on it. Its not love, not that i havnt thought bout it , but at present i feel a bit impotent in terms of love . Its not that importsnt right now, not enough atleast to go searching for.
Is it family? maybe yes its been almost an year now well actually somewhere bout 10 months, i dont quite remember ever staying away that long. I feel that i let them down sometimes , but then they are family they never have any qualms about it. Worrys yes , a lot of worry bout me, but angetr no way man only unconditional love. Its kinda sad to see that you know, i mean i want to return it , i really do from the inside , but then i get stuck somewhere in the middle in work , with friends, with love and somehow it just dosent come out.
Money Yes definately a part of it , but then moneys not been that important either so as to cause so much unrest, yet if i owed people like fifty thousand rupees that would be scary but thats not the way it is right now. i show a bit of a negative balance at present but then its all cos iv lived a good life , im ok with it , but i do think there are certain things which would change im pretty sure of it actually.
Friends , at present im running away from most of them. I like some of them i hate some of them. For reasons maybe unknown to me , or maybe known but not believed. Im not really in the mood to communicate with friends at present , yet some of them i can have a bit of a conversation with, and it feels good, but that desire to get in touch with them is not there at present , just a phase it will be over. Strangely enough if i look at it my friends in hyderabad, they are very limited . But for reasons unknown i have become veryu close to a few of them. But they are not really picker uppers if u r sad there reactions increase ur sadness, shouldnt it be opposite.. To negative at times, to grounded at others man im confused.
U know what really brings me down i think its the loss , the loss of me of what i use to be , of what i had become . I mean iwont really say i have regressed , but i have just learnt some really strange dirty things which im not very happy bout. The limitations that shackle me, the responsibility that i so splendidly assume that i shoulder, though i know somewhere im running away from it all. The pretence of having a normal rational existence when i know that i just can t exist normally. The pretence of success of happiness, of gain , of loss . im tired of the pretence. Im tired at loosing my ability to travell in local busses, trains, on excursions alone . Im scared that one day i wont be able to give myself good company , i think its already becoming like that. i need people all of a sudden , the loneliness never use to be there befor , but now it comes like a cold wind.
It the cold winds that define my day .
O k i guess iv hads enough of the sdoul searching it has felt good so ill stop here maybe to be continued some other day . Till then adios amigos
I have been going thru these phases where, there are the good days , the bad days and the ugly days , and todays been somewhere between bad and ugly i guess. The way that i categorise these days is not somethng rational at all , for example a good day might be a really hectic day with a lot of work being done in it , and maybe even a failure somewhere. A bad day might be a nice relaxed day spent at home doing the nothings that we do so often.
Of late that empty feelings coming back again the purpose of life seems to have elluded me yet once again , and im back to the rudderless ship situation. But when i look at the whole picture i guess it aint that bad.
Ok so back to the day , it was a relaxed day , got up at nine , drank my cup of tea, logged into orkut / facebook, watched a bit of a movie, bathed and off for lunch to the friend's house mentioned above. Took some beer there had a bit of the good food watched some nonsensical television. Slept for 4 solid hours, took a walk , had some sweets at a mithai shop , for some strange reason reminded me of home. Came back , bought some food and well now i sit to blog.
Now tell me where do u see the ugliness in that , but i feel it deep inside you know , that was a day wasted and it dosent feel good. Yes I did need the rest, yes i did need the relaxation, but somethings missing from there , its one of those days when you know something is missing, but you cant quite put your finger on it. Its not love, not that i havnt thought bout it , but at present i feel a bit impotent in terms of love . Its not that importsnt right now, not enough atleast to go searching for.
Is it family? maybe yes its been almost an year now well actually somewhere bout 10 months, i dont quite remember ever staying away that long. I feel that i let them down sometimes , but then they are family they never have any qualms about it. Worrys yes , a lot of worry bout me, but angetr no way man only unconditional love. Its kinda sad to see that you know, i mean i want to return it , i really do from the inside , but then i get stuck somewhere in the middle in work , with friends, with love and somehow it just dosent come out.
Money Yes definately a part of it , but then moneys not been that important either so as to cause so much unrest, yet if i owed people like fifty thousand rupees that would be scary but thats not the way it is right now. i show a bit of a negative balance at present but then its all cos iv lived a good life , im ok with it , but i do think there are certain things which would change im pretty sure of it actually.
Friends , at present im running away from most of them. I like some of them i hate some of them. For reasons maybe unknown to me , or maybe known but not believed. Im not really in the mood to communicate with friends at present , yet some of them i can have a bit of a conversation with, and it feels good, but that desire to get in touch with them is not there at present , just a phase it will be over. Strangely enough if i look at it my friends in hyderabad, they are very limited . But for reasons unknown i have become veryu close to a few of them. But they are not really picker uppers if u r sad there reactions increase ur sadness, shouldnt it be opposite.. To negative at times, to grounded at others man im confused.
U know what really brings me down i think its the loss , the loss of me of what i use to be , of what i had become . I mean iwont really say i have regressed , but i have just learnt some really strange dirty things which im not very happy bout. The limitations that shackle me, the responsibility that i so splendidly assume that i shoulder, though i know somewhere im running away from it all. The pretence of having a normal rational existence when i know that i just can t exist normally. The pretence of success of happiness, of gain , of loss . im tired of the pretence. Im tired at loosing my ability to travell in local busses, trains, on excursions alone . Im scared that one day i wont be able to give myself good company , i think its already becoming like that. i need people all of a sudden , the loneliness never use to be there befor , but now it comes like a cold wind.
It the cold winds that define my day .
O k i guess iv hads enough of the sdoul searching it has felt good so ill stop here maybe to be continued some other day . Till then adios amigos
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Just another night
Well last night i went out to 10 D , i think the place is loosing its charm , but to tell you the truth it never really had any charm for me.
Sitting there I realised how inconsequential all of this is , I mean me being there sitting with strangers I call friends , drinking some booze and well just waisting time. I knew there were more important things to be done but at that moment they didnt really matter.
The beer was cold and the music nice , the girls around were all engaged with other men , seeing through them at other men, leaving a smile here a glance there but never comitting anywhere. The dancing was also not that great , but the smoke was nice , grape flavoured hooka and good times are back.
A few mugs down , and the haze was translucent , It was as if the music had stopped for a bit , but they kept on playing. Business deals were done across a cigarette , and well there was nothing else left except for making small talk , not talking from the heart rather talking from the lip. sweet talk about greatnes and knowledge , enriching experience youd think , but it was all flacid . Hardly limped down the coridoor of mouth , shy to come out , yet proud . Like a young pretty girl looking at you across the corner.
There was this gang of men , danced really well , it was a beauty to look at them for that bit that they danced together , coordinated like synchronisedd swimmers actually looked like dancing bears on speed.
The homecoming - goodbyes are usually sad but this one felt good there was enough alcohol in me to last the night. What next a good dinner of half organised ( as i dont cook) meal ., a stupid Jam sandwitch , how pathetic. So after the excuse of a dinner that i had i nicely passed out on a bed .
The morning after - Wat the fuck, stupid hangover , felt as if someone was playing the bloody base guitar in my head. Throbbing gentle but continuous. It didnt matter if i was alive or dead i just weanted to sleep . And then the Angle came and woke me up and broughjt me to work.
Works good , i enjoy it every moment of it till bout this time when i start fagging out . Need to get out , another dinner meet tonight another night of dizzy alcoholic splurge , and that would be the end of another day .
Lifes passing me bye pretty fast isnt it , ill probable blog tommorow too bout the wierdness of life.
Sitting there I realised how inconsequential all of this is , I mean me being there sitting with strangers I call friends , drinking some booze and well just waisting time. I knew there were more important things to be done but at that moment they didnt really matter.
The beer was cold and the music nice , the girls around were all engaged with other men , seeing through them at other men, leaving a smile here a glance there but never comitting anywhere. The dancing was also not that great , but the smoke was nice , grape flavoured hooka and good times are back.
A few mugs down , and the haze was translucent , It was as if the music had stopped for a bit , but they kept on playing. Business deals were done across a cigarette , and well there was nothing else left except for making small talk , not talking from the heart rather talking from the lip. sweet talk about greatnes and knowledge , enriching experience youd think , but it was all flacid . Hardly limped down the coridoor of mouth , shy to come out , yet proud . Like a young pretty girl looking at you across the corner.
There was this gang of men , danced really well , it was a beauty to look at them for that bit that they danced together , coordinated like synchronisedd swimmers actually looked like dancing bears on speed.
The homecoming - goodbyes are usually sad but this one felt good there was enough alcohol in me to last the night. What next a good dinner of half organised ( as i dont cook) meal ., a stupid Jam sandwitch , how pathetic. So after the excuse of a dinner that i had i nicely passed out on a bed .
The morning after - Wat the fuck, stupid hangover , felt as if someone was playing the bloody base guitar in my head. Throbbing gentle but continuous. It didnt matter if i was alive or dead i just weanted to sleep . And then the Angle came and woke me up and broughjt me to work.
Works good , i enjoy it every moment of it till bout this time when i start fagging out . Need to get out , another dinner meet tonight another night of dizzy alcoholic splurge , and that would be the end of another day .
Lifes passing me bye pretty fast isnt it , ill probable blog tommorow too bout the wierdness of life.
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