I woke in the morning and i rose my weary head .... well thats how i got up today , actually maybe a bit beter , last night a friend had come over to spend the night we saw a few movies gulped a few beers and well generally felt happy.
I have been going thru these phases where, there are the good days , the bad days and the ugly days , and todays been somewhere between bad and ugly i guess. The way that i categorise these days is not somethng rational at all , for example a good day might be a really hectic day with a lot of work being done in it , and maybe even a failure somewhere. A bad day might be a nice relaxed day spent at home doing the nothings that we do so often.
Of late that empty feelings coming back again the purpose of life seems to have elluded me yet once again , and im back to the rudderless ship situation. But when i look at the whole picture i guess it aint that bad.
Ok so back to the day , it was a relaxed day , got up at nine , drank my cup of tea, logged into orkut / facebook, watched a bit of a movie, bathed and off for lunch to the friend's house mentioned above. Took some beer there had a bit of the good food watched some nonsensical television. Slept for 4 solid hours, took a walk , had some sweets at a mithai shop , for some strange reason reminded me of home. Came back , bought some food and well now i sit to blog.
Now tell me where do u see the ugliness in that , but i feel it deep inside you know , that was a day wasted and it dosent feel good. Yes I did need the rest, yes i did need the relaxation, but somethings missing from there , its one of those days when you know something is missing, but you cant quite put your finger on it. Its not love, not that i havnt thought bout it , but at present i feel a bit impotent in terms of love . Its not that importsnt right now, not enough atleast to go searching for.
Is it family? maybe yes its been almost an year now well actually somewhere bout 10 months, i dont quite remember ever staying away that long. I feel that i let them down sometimes , but then they are family they never have any qualms about it. Worrys yes , a lot of worry bout me, but angetr no way man only unconditional love. Its kinda sad to see that you know, i mean i want to return it , i really do from the inside , but then i get stuck somewhere in the middle in work , with friends, with love and somehow it just dosent come out.
Money Yes definately a part of it , but then moneys not been that important either so as to cause so much unrest, yet if i owed people like fifty thousand rupees that would be scary but thats not the way it is right now. i show a bit of a negative balance at present but then its all cos iv lived a good life , im ok with it , but i do think there are certain things which would change im pretty sure of it actually.
Friends , at present im running away from most of them. I like some of them i hate some of them. For reasons maybe unknown to me , or maybe known but not believed. Im not really in the mood to communicate with friends at present , yet some of them i can have a bit of a conversation with, and it feels good, but that desire to get in touch with them is not there at present , just a phase it will be over. Strangely enough if i look at it my friends in hyderabad, they are very limited . But for reasons unknown i have become veryu close to a few of them. But they are not really picker uppers if u r sad there reactions increase ur sadness, shouldnt it be opposite.. To negative at times, to grounded at others man im confused.
U know what really brings me down i think its the loss , the loss of me of what i use to be , of what i had become . I mean iwont really say i have regressed , but i have just learnt some really strange dirty things which im not very happy bout. The limitations that shackle me, the responsibility that i so splendidly assume that i shoulder, though i know somewhere im running away from it all. The pretence of having a normal rational existence when i know that i just can t exist normally. The pretence of success of happiness, of gain , of loss . im tired of the pretence. Im tired at loosing my ability to travell in local busses, trains, on excursions alone . Im scared that one day i wont be able to give myself good company , i think its already becoming like that. i need people all of a sudden , the loneliness never use to be there befor , but now it comes like a cold wind.
It the cold winds that define my day .
O k i guess iv hads enough of the sdoul searching it has felt good so ill stop here maybe to be continued some other day . Till then adios amigos
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