This is my hundreth post on this blog , and its a very important accomplishment for me , it tells me that im still free to say what I want to say in well Hidden ways , meaning something to some and nothing to others , but This post is special cos here i disclose to you some of it that I have hidden , which might have been very evident to some of u but i just have this urge to say it out.
I am bothered today, immensely upset. I have just done this course which is suppose to sort your life out and now Im seeing things in a different lite. A Change of perspective but the old ways stick with me and bother me to the extent of having a breakdown, so here i sit writing it all down in the middle of the working hour cos i cant really work now can I . .
All of a sudden the realisation dawns on me that my ego has become so swollen that im trapped with it in a room , every simple thing hurts me and i cant let go of the hurt. Wats so special about me , that i need to proove to others that im right , and here I can see so clearly that i am wrong , but i hold on to my rigtheousness and all it makes me do is to loose faith in whatever i believe. To tell you the truth im not even certain of what i beleive anymore. Its spoiling my relationship with my freinds , with my colleagues with my boss , with almost everyone.
Actually i want to be so perfect after the course that its actually creating problems .I was told that everythig we see is through coloured glasses, colored by our past and thats true Past can also be something which just happened in the morning , but thenmim still angry at the fact that im angry , angry at the fact that im not in sync with my boss, angry at the fact that i still have 3 more days to escape , and knowing that thinking this will make these three days miserable. Why do i not let go of it , because i choose to be hurt by them , i need to have a conversation with simeone and all im doing is conversing with myself. Its a vicious cycle and im fighting all alone in the middle of it all. Whos the enemy the world , no its just myself , internal demons id like to call them , they told us about them , and if you acknowledged their presence they would move away , and im not even being ab le to do that , i acknowledge them and then again put them in the category of right or wrong , good or bad, win or loose and finally i get so engulfed by them that i give up and escape from it in some work , or a different train of thought , till they come back again to haunt me.
Man am i confused right now . But im not going to fight anymore , i declare that to you all . I will give in and then there will be peace.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
INSECURITY
Its a new day I sit by my computer writing down something that iv thought about on the auto ride home, probably thats the place where I think now. Iv thought about how good life is and how bad it is at the same time , and feeling dawns on me that every one , every single person seems to be dissatisfied with life , every person is looking for his sort of excitement and not finding it, its just that some people are better at hiding their disgust or dissatisfaction.
Why I say this you might ask , i am basically stating what i see, I see hundreds of faces working day in and dayout, some for smaller packages some for a larger share of the pie. They lie to themselves every day that they love their jobs, they make themselves believe that they are doing something different and that they are happy, when in truth they are all looking for something. Its like we have become machines, doing the same routine chores, the same plesentaries , the same people and same life. Sometimes u need to run away from this reality , some choose to live and to believe in their warped worlds, while other just take skinny dips in it to refresh their souls, and some are blind to its healing sauve.
I have been choosing the mid path ever since i can remember. Why has the world become like this , because our relations are failing , its dosent matter anymore we have become self centred and selfish all of us . Actually thats not selfishness nor selfcenterdness, because if it were so we would crave for relations, its just that theres apathy in all we do now, in he way we live in the way we communicate. It burdens us day in and day out and we dig deeper into it, into our shells.
I am attending a course tomorrow,and for the next three days im probably missing a wedding and well missing the homecomings of certain friends , i think i wont make it and probably would anger them but i need it, i need some time alone , i need to fight my demons and be alive once again the way i was once . Basically this blog somewhere in the middle is about what i want from it , what i expect and my insecurities.
Im a little worried about what ill find about how id react about what id do and most of all about not getting wat i want from it. Its with aprehenssion that i take these steps, im looking for redemption and im scared i might looking for too much.
The course is basically suppose to be something which makes you connect your past your present and your future all togeather and then alter the future by correcting your past in the present. Pretty heavy huh, basically it tells you how to unfuck your life . Im not sure whether it works, there are a few people whov done it and they seem to recommend it to all, but thats part of their marketing gimic, and its kinda funny how they brainwash u into seeing yourself so cleansed that u propogate thei message for them. It could be redemption or it could be a cult. Ill take my chances this time. i wonder what ill turn into a success or a ravaging lunatic by the end of it. I think im still in control , but i know they can mess with u pretty good.
I think i dont care that much cos by doin this course id be someone different and iv gotten tired of what iv been , I basically want a change.
What im looking for from this course
1)Direction - if one needs to enjoy his / her work one needs to know whats forward and whats backward, and more importantly whats his direction. I think my compass has been messed around with too much to tune into this and thats exactly what i need to find out from this course. I might become a fakir , a kafir or well something really big , but i need to find out.
2) I want to move away from apathy from procastination - iguess iv lost the taste of life somewhere , theres no joy , and if its there its fleeting . i mean i know a job can give you joy but im not getting it anymore, i know a relation can but its tasteless, i need to know whats spoiling it for me. Where the apathy is coming fcrom , why i choose the mental degradation over everything else, why im loosing faith in mankind , and in myself.
Im not writing anything else because they are too personal and not as generalised, maybe one day i would. But ithink i got the crux of them all above
I guess the next i write ull know whether it worked or not till then adios
Why I say this you might ask , i am basically stating what i see, I see hundreds of faces working day in and dayout, some for smaller packages some for a larger share of the pie. They lie to themselves every day that they love their jobs, they make themselves believe that they are doing something different and that they are happy, when in truth they are all looking for something. Its like we have become machines, doing the same routine chores, the same plesentaries , the same people and same life. Sometimes u need to run away from this reality , some choose to live and to believe in their warped worlds, while other just take skinny dips in it to refresh their souls, and some are blind to its healing sauve.
I have been choosing the mid path ever since i can remember. Why has the world become like this , because our relations are failing , its dosent matter anymore we have become self centred and selfish all of us . Actually thats not selfishness nor selfcenterdness, because if it were so we would crave for relations, its just that theres apathy in all we do now, in he way we live in the way we communicate. It burdens us day in and day out and we dig deeper into it, into our shells.
I am attending a course tomorrow,and for the next three days im probably missing a wedding and well missing the homecomings of certain friends , i think i wont make it and probably would anger them but i need it, i need some time alone , i need to fight my demons and be alive once again the way i was once . Basically this blog somewhere in the middle is about what i want from it , what i expect and my insecurities.
Im a little worried about what ill find about how id react about what id do and most of all about not getting wat i want from it. Its with aprehenssion that i take these steps, im looking for redemption and im scared i might looking for too much.
The course is basically suppose to be something which makes you connect your past your present and your future all togeather and then alter the future by correcting your past in the present. Pretty heavy huh, basically it tells you how to unfuck your life . Im not sure whether it works, there are a few people whov done it and they seem to recommend it to all, but thats part of their marketing gimic, and its kinda funny how they brainwash u into seeing yourself so cleansed that u propogate thei message for them. It could be redemption or it could be a cult. Ill take my chances this time. i wonder what ill turn into a success or a ravaging lunatic by the end of it. I think im still in control , but i know they can mess with u pretty good.
I think i dont care that much cos by doin this course id be someone different and iv gotten tired of what iv been , I basically want a change.
What im looking for from this course
1)Direction - if one needs to enjoy his / her work one needs to know whats forward and whats backward, and more importantly whats his direction. I think my compass has been messed around with too much to tune into this and thats exactly what i need to find out from this course. I might become a fakir , a kafir or well something really big , but i need to find out.
2) I want to move away from apathy from procastination - iguess iv lost the taste of life somewhere , theres no joy , and if its there its fleeting . i mean i know a job can give you joy but im not getting it anymore, i know a relation can but its tasteless, i need to know whats spoiling it for me. Where the apathy is coming fcrom , why i choose the mental degradation over everything else, why im loosing faith in mankind , and in myself.
Im not writing anything else because they are too personal and not as generalised, maybe one day i would. But ithink i got the crux of them all above
I guess the next i write ull know whether it worked or not till then adios
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Cribbing
Another Day another sunrise, another noon and then evening. The days been buisy in the smaller trivialities of Work . Its 4 right now and im a bit nervous, I am just about to commit to something that im not very certain of, well not commit but initiate the talk.
Over the past few days iv gotten more involved and more confused with life. The wait to go back home seems everlasting. The opportunity ahead seems threatening, and the ultimate goal is something that im not that certain of anymore.
And yet this confused life has never felt any better atleast not in the past year. I have become a phobic when it comes to major changes in life, i procastinate it for as long as possible , never ready to take the final plunge .
And then the change comes over me , its actually all a result of my past experience no matter what i tell to the world , its not that easuy to go through what i did , specially if you value yourself the way I do . Its easy to give advice but difficult to follow it.
But here we are batteling it out with new confidence levels , life at one time was so simple and pure and already it seems to have gotten tainted with its journey , worn out.
Ok this is not a good post but im signing off here cos im scared to crib anyfurther .
Over the past few days iv gotten more involved and more confused with life. The wait to go back home seems everlasting. The opportunity ahead seems threatening, and the ultimate goal is something that im not that certain of anymore.
And yet this confused life has never felt any better atleast not in the past year. I have become a phobic when it comes to major changes in life, i procastinate it for as long as possible , never ready to take the final plunge .
And then the change comes over me , its actually all a result of my past experience no matter what i tell to the world , its not that easuy to go through what i did , specially if you value yourself the way I do . Its easy to give advice but difficult to follow it.
But here we are batteling it out with new confidence levels , life at one time was so simple and pure and already it seems to have gotten tainted with its journey , worn out.
Ok this is not a good post but im signing off here cos im scared to crib anyfurther .
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