This is my hundreth post on this blog , and its a very important accomplishment for me , it tells me that im still free to say what I want to say in well Hidden ways , meaning something to some and nothing to others , but This post is special cos here i disclose to you some of it that I have hidden , which might have been very evident to some of u but i just have this urge to say it out.
I am bothered today, immensely upset. I have just done this course which is suppose to sort your life out and now Im seeing things in a different lite. A Change of perspective but the old ways stick with me and bother me to the extent of having a breakdown, so here i sit writing it all down in the middle of the working hour cos i cant really work now can I . .
All of a sudden the realisation dawns on me that my ego has become so swollen that im trapped with it in a room , every simple thing hurts me and i cant let go of the hurt. Wats so special about me , that i need to proove to others that im right , and here I can see so clearly that i am wrong , but i hold on to my rigtheousness and all it makes me do is to loose faith in whatever i believe. To tell you the truth im not even certain of what i beleive anymore. Its spoiling my relationship with my freinds , with my colleagues with my boss , with almost everyone.
Actually i want to be so perfect after the course that its actually creating problems .I was told that everythig we see is through coloured glasses, colored by our past and thats true Past can also be something which just happened in the morning , but thenmim still angry at the fact that im angry , angry at the fact that im not in sync with my boss, angry at the fact that i still have 3 more days to escape , and knowing that thinking this will make these three days miserable. Why do i not let go of it , because i choose to be hurt by them , i need to have a conversation with simeone and all im doing is conversing with myself. Its a vicious cycle and im fighting all alone in the middle of it all. Whos the enemy the world , no its just myself , internal demons id like to call them , they told us about them , and if you acknowledged their presence they would move away , and im not even being ab le to do that , i acknowledge them and then again put them in the category of right or wrong , good or bad, win or loose and finally i get so engulfed by them that i give up and escape from it in some work , or a different train of thought , till they come back again to haunt me.
Man am i confused right now . But im not going to fight anymore , i declare that to you all . I will give in and then there will be peace.
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