INSECURITY

Its a new day I sit by my computer writing down something that iv thought about on the auto ride home, probably thats the place where I think now. Iv thought about how good life is and how bad it is at the same time , and feeling dawns on me that every one , every single person seems to be dissatisfied with life , every person is looking for his sort of excitement and not finding it, its just that some people are better at hiding their disgust or dissatisfaction.

Why I say this you might ask , i am basically stating what i see, I see hundreds of faces working day in and dayout, some for smaller packages some for a larger share of the pie. They lie to themselves every day that they love their jobs, they make themselves believe that they are doing something different and that they are happy, when in truth they are all looking for something. Its like we have become machines, doing the same routine chores, the same plesentaries , the same people and same life. Sometimes u need to run away from this reality , some choose to live and to believe in their warped worlds, while other just take skinny dips in it to refresh their souls, and some are blind to its healing sauve.

I have been choosing the mid path ever since i can remember. Why has the world become like this , because our relations are failing , its dosent matter anymore we have become self centred and selfish all of us . Actually thats not selfishness nor selfcenterdness, because if it were so we would crave for relations, its just that theres apathy in all we do now, in he way we live in the way we communicate. It burdens us day in and day out and we dig deeper into it, into our shells.

I am attending a course tomorrow,and for the next three days im probably missing a wedding and well missing the homecomings of certain friends , i think i wont make it and probably would anger them but i need it, i need some time alone , i need to fight my demons and be alive once again the way i was once . Basically this blog somewhere in the middle is about what i want from it , what i expect and my insecurities.

Im a little worried about what ill find about how id react about what id do and most of all about not getting wat i want from it. Its with aprehenssion that i take these steps, im looking for redemption and im scared i might looking for too much.

The course is basically suppose to be something which makes you connect your past your present and your future all togeather and then alter the future by correcting your past in the present. Pretty heavy huh, basically it tells you how to unfuck your life . Im not sure whether it works, there are a few people whov done it and they seem to recommend it to all, but thats part of their marketing gimic, and its kinda funny how they brainwash u into seeing yourself so cleansed that u propogate thei message for them. It could be redemption or it could be a cult. Ill take my chances this time. i wonder what ill turn into a success or a ravaging lunatic by the end of it. I think im still in control , but i know they can mess with u pretty good.

I think i dont care that much cos by doin this course id be someone different and iv gotten tired of what iv been , I basically want a change.

What im looking for from this course
1)Direction - if one needs to enjoy his / her work one needs to know whats forward and whats backward, and more importantly whats his direction. I think my compass has been messed around with too much to tune into this and thats exactly what i need to find out from this course. I might become a fakir , a kafir or well something really big , but i need to find out.
2) I want to move away from apathy from procastination - iguess iv lost the taste of life somewhere , theres no joy , and if its there its fleeting . i mean i know a job can give you joy but im not getting it anymore, i know a relation can but its tasteless, i need to know whats spoiling it for me. Where the apathy is coming fcrom , why i choose the mental degradation over everything else, why im loosing faith in mankind , and in myself.

Im not writing anything else because they are too personal and not as generalised, maybe one day i would. But ithink i got the crux of them all above

I guess the next i write ull know whether it worked or not till then adios