There are times when I feel that I am going insane , or rather that I have reached there. I dont really know if you guys have ever felt it , but I have many a time . This feeling which kreeps up on you as the day passes and probably takes over you completely when its bout 2:00 in the afternoon. A feeling that you dot belong, not in the work that you are presently doing, not amongst the people that you are with , not even the city that you are in , I guess not even in the world at times. Its so intense that it completely blocks out all other things , be it work , love or anything , you become restless , you just cant stand the place youare in or rather the life you are living. Not that you are clear about what you Want or how u are going to acheive it ,but you just know that whatever is happening around you is not right. I guess for me its more of an indifference , theres nothing outside me which is upsetting me but rather something which is inside. I cant even say that its upsetting , more of a distracter , a distortion , a stuckness, a challenge a problem. Its enlightning at times , and I really feel at those moments to run way and to sit on a mountain looking at the world below.
I woneder , the feelings a bit alien now.
Ill try and write the next time i get it .
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To my Partner
You realise that life is futile when someone dies, and when its someone close to you then you realise how far you have grown.
We were kids then , and he was at some level what we all wanted to be , at 6 feet 3 and he was massive , he was serious and he was successfull. I guess life must have been tough for him because it showed he had struggled, to keep a family togeather , to rise and to be happy. I think he was happy once , but we were children then , the house with the garden , were we used to play when i remember. And then we used to play some silly game of cards , which I dont evern remember but he was my partner. He would take us out sometimes fore a movie or to the market , buy us candy and popcorn, they were great times. And then there were times when we would go along with him on these business travells of his down to delhi , and hed feed us great amounts of sweets, and this or that famous food at old time famous places in the old streets delhi . But we were kids then.
My uncle was a great man, then grew old and his sons tried, but i dont really think they were successfull, and i think it caused him pain, they grew up and fought , wanted to split up, i think it gave him pain. His business plumetted , his son became an alcoholic, he worked as much as he could , but i think he was in pain. He was in so much pain by the end of it , but he was so brave , with a broken hip and a shuffle to his gait , but strong .
He was a lover , stuck to one woman for god knows how many years, i think she was really lucky. I dont even remember him complaining ever, but we were kids,. He used to joke with her , even took her on a trip to america, and that time america was really far, I wonder what she feels now, and i wonder what i should feel
I think he was proud of me in his own way , proud of my education , proud of the fact that i worked for a prestegious organization , and at times proud of my weight loss, but it was such that i didnt even think about him , ever , i had grown distant from him. It wasnt really that i have spent so much of time with him, its just been bits and peices during vacations and probably at the most maybe 10 days in a year. And today I was afraid when that phonecall came that it was my parents , something had happened and when i heard it was him there was some releif nad then this intense shock and pain. I had that conversation and then i worked for two solid hours , not once thinking about him, not once mourning , but rather smiling and joking.
And then there was numbness on the way back , there were things which needed to be done , i did thenm mechanically , I knew that i didnt really feel like vtalking to ppl I wanted to get back home , not to mourn but to start feeling it. I suddenly realise how far I am , how alone I am , I cant even mourn alone , I need someone to talk to , i need to tell this to someone and I cant because there is no one But i think i will miss him , I know i will, and i think going to that home and not finding him there is something which im dreading already and I dont know how ill tell him this now. I havent called him partner for so long I wish I could call him that once again.
Tomorrow will be another day and i will be living again the way i do , cold and numb but I need to have this moment to myself to feel as alone as i want to.
We were kids then , and he was at some level what we all wanted to be , at 6 feet 3 and he was massive , he was serious and he was successfull. I guess life must have been tough for him because it showed he had struggled, to keep a family togeather , to rise and to be happy. I think he was happy once , but we were children then , the house with the garden , were we used to play when i remember. And then we used to play some silly game of cards , which I dont evern remember but he was my partner. He would take us out sometimes fore a movie or to the market , buy us candy and popcorn, they were great times. And then there were times when we would go along with him on these business travells of his down to delhi , and hed feed us great amounts of sweets, and this or that famous food at old time famous places in the old streets delhi . But we were kids then.
My uncle was a great man, then grew old and his sons tried, but i dont really think they were successfull, and i think it caused him pain, they grew up and fought , wanted to split up, i think it gave him pain. His business plumetted , his son became an alcoholic, he worked as much as he could , but i think he was in pain. He was in so much pain by the end of it , but he was so brave , with a broken hip and a shuffle to his gait , but strong .
He was a lover , stuck to one woman for god knows how many years, i think she was really lucky. I dont even remember him complaining ever, but we were kids,. He used to joke with her , even took her on a trip to america, and that time america was really far, I wonder what she feels now, and i wonder what i should feel
I think he was proud of me in his own way , proud of my education , proud of the fact that i worked for a prestegious organization , and at times proud of my weight loss, but it was such that i didnt even think about him , ever , i had grown distant from him. It wasnt really that i have spent so much of time with him, its just been bits and peices during vacations and probably at the most maybe 10 days in a year. And today I was afraid when that phonecall came that it was my parents , something had happened and when i heard it was him there was some releif nad then this intense shock and pain. I had that conversation and then i worked for two solid hours , not once thinking about him, not once mourning , but rather smiling and joking.
And then there was numbness on the way back , there were things which needed to be done , i did thenm mechanically , I knew that i didnt really feel like vtalking to ppl I wanted to get back home , not to mourn but to start feeling it. I suddenly realise how far I am , how alone I am , I cant even mourn alone , I need someone to talk to , i need to tell this to someone and I cant because there is no one But i think i will miss him , I know i will, and i think going to that home and not finding him there is something which im dreading already and I dont know how ill tell him this now. I havent called him partner for so long I wish I could call him that once again.
Tomorrow will be another day and i will be living again the way i do , cold and numb but I need to have this moment to myself to feel as alone as i want to.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Downsized
Actually this title comes from the fact that thats how im seeing the new blog page at blogger , its bare , I think its something to do with the setting of my computer or rather of the server providing me this internet connection .
Why Im writing now is another thing all togeather , im writing cos im restless , restless like a caged animal , not that i have any thing in particular to do , or rather the intentions to do the things thzat need to be done.
But lets talk bout something else , I think if I were in a dream right now and wanted or wished to do something it would be to walk in the company of a pretty woman on a montain road, secluded from the basic population. I have walked on this road before , the breeze is the coldest there and so bloody strong that the trees actually are flat topped , reminded me of the Mario Bros game at that time.
Right across the valley you see a mountain range covered with snow , it looks so beautifull, the air is fresh , the sun a bit harsh. But i guess in this dream it would be gentler. The roads winding , the times Dusk, the sky is red and the woman s fair with a delicate nose , big beautifull eyes with a smile which is heavenly.
Theres no talk required , we are walking togeather but unaware of the presence of each other, it feels so natural that there is nothing new about it except for the exceptional beauty of the place.
And then i wake up because i dont have the energy to sustain this dream anylonger , because it needs no future or past , its just as complete as it needs to be the way it is, no questions asked.
Then its back here to this job which today seems like a complete burden another thing that n idd lime to do right now: Sit outside a Cafe , watching people walk on in life , observing giving each face a story , a history a future and most importantly a present. There are these beautifull expressions , that need to nbe observed , the playfullness of a couple or the seriousness of one , it s absolutely crazy that a face can speak so much , and yet my face speaks nothing to me. I light a cigarette and the smoke is lke the Smirnoff bottle showing real faces.
Why Im writing now is another thing all togeather , im writing cos im restless , restless like a caged animal , not that i have any thing in particular to do , or rather the intentions to do the things thzat need to be done.
But lets talk bout something else , I think if I were in a dream right now and wanted or wished to do something it would be to walk in the company of a pretty woman on a montain road, secluded from the basic population. I have walked on this road before , the breeze is the coldest there and so bloody strong that the trees actually are flat topped , reminded me of the Mario Bros game at that time.
Right across the valley you see a mountain range covered with snow , it looks so beautifull, the air is fresh , the sun a bit harsh. But i guess in this dream it would be gentler. The roads winding , the times Dusk, the sky is red and the woman s fair with a delicate nose , big beautifull eyes with a smile which is heavenly.
Theres no talk required , we are walking togeather but unaware of the presence of each other, it feels so natural that there is nothing new about it except for the exceptional beauty of the place.
And then i wake up because i dont have the energy to sustain this dream anylonger , because it needs no future or past , its just as complete as it needs to be the way it is, no questions asked.
Then its back here to this job which today seems like a complete burden another thing that n idd lime to do right now: Sit outside a Cafe , watching people walk on in life , observing giving each face a story , a history a future and most importantly a present. There are these beautifull expressions , that need to nbe observed , the playfullness of a couple or the seriousness of one , it s absolutely crazy that a face can speak so much , and yet my face speaks nothing to me. I light a cigarette and the smoke is lke the Smirnoff bottle showing real faces.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Chaos
Its September already and the times running fast , there are so many small little things that need to be done to complete the process of living, but apart form these there are these strange new opportunities , new waves which hit me every day beckoning me to action. In the end a muddled human being emerges out of the complete chaos that surrounds him . For a person who is pretty paranoid about time and not organized at all i guess im playing the part well.
So here are a few deadlines that i enlist for me today , in the overgrown list of things to do in life : I guess these are the first few steps that i need to take on my journey to new lands.
1) Tofel to be written before 15 th of this month , which probably means by 15th of this month
2) ISB application to be checked one final time and requirements to be fulfilled and submitted 15th Sep
3) Queens Application to be filled within the same period and submitted by the same time
4) Job interview at Maytas to be materalised through some push , before the 10th of this month
5) House to be shiofted by 15th , sorry painted and shifted.
6) Smoking to be quit by tenth.
Ok thats bout it , but then again there are so many bloody things so little time , anyways so now atleast you guys know where im headed , though I must say I myself am stil quite confused to the general direction my life is taking.
Another thin apart from the ten hours at work that are spent meeting other deadlines, if you have any suggestions please get through to me cos there seems to be too much on my plate right now to digest.
Adios I guess ill talk to u guys after the dreded 15th .
So here are a few deadlines that i enlist for me today , in the overgrown list of things to do in life : I guess these are the first few steps that i need to take on my journey to new lands.
1) Tofel to be written before 15 th of this month , which probably means by 15th of this month
2) ISB application to be checked one final time and requirements to be fulfilled and submitted 15th Sep
3) Queens Application to be filled within the same period and submitted by the same time
4) Job interview at Maytas to be materalised through some push , before the 10th of this month
5) House to be shiofted by 15th , sorry painted and shifted.
6) Smoking to be quit by tenth.
Ok thats bout it , but then again there are so many bloody things so little time , anyways so now atleast you guys know where im headed , though I must say I myself am stil quite confused to the general direction my life is taking.
Another thin apart from the ten hours at work that are spent meeting other deadlines, if you have any suggestions please get through to me cos there seems to be too much on my plate right now to digest.
Adios I guess ill talk to u guys after the dreded 15th .
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