To my Partner

You realise that life is futile when someone dies, and when its someone close to you then you realise how far you have grown.
We were kids then , and he was at some level what we all wanted to be , at 6 feet 3 and he was massive , he was serious and he was successfull. I guess life must have been tough for him because it showed he had struggled, to keep a family togeather , to rise and to be happy. I think he was happy once , but we were children then , the house with the garden , were we used to play when i remember. And then we used to play some silly game of cards , which I dont evern remember but he was my partner. He would take us out sometimes fore a movie or to the market , buy us candy and popcorn, they were great times. And then there were times when we would go along with him on these business travells of his down to delhi , and hed feed us great amounts of sweets, and this or that famous food at old time famous places in the old streets delhi . But we were kids then.
My uncle was a great man, then grew old and his sons tried, but i dont really think they were successfull, and i think it caused him pain, they grew up and fought , wanted to split up, i think it gave him pain. His business plumetted , his son became an alcoholic, he worked as much as he could , but i think he was in pain. He was in so much pain by the end of it , but he was so brave , with a broken hip and a shuffle to his gait , but strong .

He was a lover , stuck to one woman for god knows how many years, i think she was really lucky. I dont even remember him complaining ever, but we were kids,. He used to joke with her , even took her on a trip to america, and that time america was really far, I wonder what she feels now, and i wonder what i should feel
I think he was proud of me in his own way , proud of my education , proud of the fact that i worked for a prestegious organization , and at times proud of my weight loss, but it was such that i didnt even think about him , ever , i had grown distant from him. It wasnt really that i have spent so much of time with him, its just been bits and peices during vacations and probably at the most maybe 10 days in a year. And today I was afraid when that phonecall came that it was my parents , something had happened and when i heard it was him there was some releif nad then this intense shock and pain. I had that conversation and then i worked for two solid hours , not once thinking about him, not once mourning , but rather smiling and joking.
And then there was numbness on the way back , there were things which needed to be done , i did thenm mechanically , I knew that i didnt really feel like vtalking to ppl I wanted to get back home , not to mourn but to start feeling it. I suddenly realise how far I am , how alone I am , I cant even mourn alone , I need someone to talk to , i need to tell this to someone and I cant because there is no one But i think i will miss him , I know i will, and i think going to that home and not finding him there is something which im dreading already and I dont know how ill tell him this now. I havent called him partner for so long I wish I could call him that once again.

Tomorrow will be another day and i will be living again the way i do , cold and numb but I need to have this moment to myself to feel as alone as i want to.