its not wrong its just different.

Iv been meaning to write for the past two days , they have been moments of restlessness, not that anything has changed dramatically its just that sometimes my very being tends to go into these states of restless reflection , not just bout self but everything around me . Its not like judgements , or me forming a particular impression of a thing , event or emotion, its just that i like having a purely intellectual and well sometimes completely nonsensical debate and honestly it tends to leave me more confused and sometimes indifferent rather than clearer of thought .

Well so here is a cascade of how thoughts have flown. In office, teams expanding creatives are in a sense a feel of movement. If you are unaware im working with a startup , well lets call it that cos its actually reenergising of a startup in video production. So basically the thoughts are around the future , the pros and cons of work but they oscillate between figuring out what will work and what wont , where i am within it all . Its difficult because i am not completely in charge , its difficult because even if i was i wouldn't have been certain of what would work. So its almost like a constant battle of finding myself within the organisation , there are good days and bad, i think there has been a positive movement with the team though it feels so much better , its surprising how easily you can consider yourself to be moving just by getting a few people in, though in actuality you are quite uncertain as to how you would fuel that momentum. I have over a period of time doubted the values of my employers , im not in sync with some of them , but i can understand how it is and why its being done , its interesting its like being in a catch 22 , i don't think its wrong but its not something id agree with its just different.

Life's been good in the recent past, loads of socialising, not necessarily with friends , well some friends some acquaintances, some relatives and loads of strangers, i think the strangers and the acquaintances are the fun bit of it. Friends sometimes are too comfortable to be around. Well its funny how things change anyways i recently attended a party / BBQ with 5 couples and 4 babies and as said by Karan in a recent blog of hers pheromones were in the air , i came back well it could be because of that or maybe a beer hangover , but i came back restless. there was no attraction , or thought at the BBQ i was in the moment and was having great fun , but i came back so alone that its not funny. I ended up having to go for a walk just to sort myself out cos i couldn't be in a room with my family while my brain was buzzing , i couldn't be confined , it might not have been people i just dint want to be in a room. Its strange how your brain works i walked and i thought , was listening to me Ipod , and the songs that i have a conscious memory of , which changed my mood were in this sequence, Desperado - eagles followed by take it easy - Eagles and Nothing else matters - Metallica . Says loads about my playlist doesn't it , but somehow the songs were answers to some questions in my head. Again that feeling of loneliness , of claustrophobia wasn't right or wrong it probably has a place somewhere but it was different from how iv felt about it before.

Anyways that brings me to relations. In my office there are two blokes, UK born of african origin , its the way they talk they are both married , or were both have kids , one of them is separated and in a relationship with a woman 2/3 his age, the others status i am not sure of but is with one woman companion, its just the way they talk about their relationship it seems so temporary and on the move. I think thats a culture shock still , i mean no matter how progressive i may pretend to be , but internally the pedestal that i place relationships on is different, i mean yes there are one night stands, and there is love or the illusion of being in it , but i mean atleast for some bit you put an effort to make things work , you think of it as something that will last , but here the outlook is of seeing it as temporary right from the beginning . Its not like i haven't seen people getting divorces in India or moving on , or even cheating on their wives on the sly , but i haven't seen this thought process or this way of perceiving relationships. Again im not certain if it s wrong or right its just different.

Lucid dream

Dark night , beauty resides within thy cloak
Dark night filled with sorrow and joy of a previous life
Breezed through on wings of reminiscence ,
No detours for me ill take on the entire road
Journeys through familiar terrain of light and shadows
A kaleidoscope, a burst of colours then hues of grey and white
Dancing shimmering light making patterns in the recesses of my mind
Some making sense others absolute mysteries.
But then everything doesn't need to be compartmentalised and stacked neatly in piles
Not yet at-least somethings are better when they are left scattered.

Constant heaves, of anguish and pleasure
Let me dive deeper, let me dwell in that moment for a while
I feel my breath , leaving me hollow, hollow for the light to fill in
The light from your scented breath, from the sunshine trapped in your hair
Stop time let me be , but then the notion of time itself is distorted here
I move on to friends and folks ,to live with them in the comfort of my skin
No pretence required , no masquerades to play
Comforts cosy , but then its difficult to stay
So I move on to my solitude , to my soul
Dear friend he tells me listen in once in a while and then my very being smiles

Unconscious yet more alive then I have ever been
I long for the milk of poppy ,for this endless dream
But then a thought in conception , a stroke in motion stopped
Caught in the glaring headlights of fate, a sudden push to reality's embrace
The dreams broken and and the panoramas fades into existence
Shattered and bruised and refreshed by my sleep
I wake longing for that lucid dream
And so I move on, living this life for the beauty that I know resides
In those leaps of faith and distortions of reality
In that unconscious loss of sense and sobriety

I dream a dream , in haze it exists but then in the end so does reality.

I know that somehow this post is incomplete, there are bits and pieces missing from it , verses, thoughts , ideas, but then thats all that I have to say for it at present, if someday the dream resurfaces the post might be completed .

Love

Its kind of funny how we flow in and out of love, partners change and feelings flee. Sometimes even everlasting promises of faith and commitment are broken. But its not all doom and gloom some loves last some stay on . In the end i think theres no love its basically a compromise either ways there is always a compromise, but then compromise is not bad.

Right so why so much talk of love , well as iv mentioned before i was reading my blog over the years , i think the most exciting period was 2006 and probably late 2006 , thats the time when the posts were fiery , emotional and highly erratic. Yes it was the time that i was in love . Maybe it was the time that i lost faith in love but none the less. I think there are two pieces missing from there , i had tried posting them before but somehow lost heart and thought they were too personal to display, and they are but then i lost the pieces and had to retrieve them from an old mail inbox, i dont want to loose them again and so i put them up here. Also now they are not as personal as they were, i have bared my soul here before so here goes. The two pieces are the two sides of love that i have felt

The beginning - SURRENDER

Something deep inside stirred today or was it that things were moving, I realise I suppressed, the beauty of it all is in surrender and I do surrender.

I surrender to the way I feel to things I am scared of saying, fear of being broken, of being forgotten. It feels good to be in love, with not u but what you stand for. I feel a tingle and I look not at the way you work, but at you. So it is out.

I wish there was a simpler way of saying this but the simplest is that I do luv you. The passion has risen with every stroke of midnight. Sleepless nights entwined in your thought, the thoughts that I couldn’t bear, thoughts that I pushed away in sleepless surrender.

Thought of care of mystery, I read you out loud, what you face the world as; I read to you in whispers what you have meant to me. You are the joy id like in my life; you are the thinker that I would choose for advice. You give me courage when mine falls short. You amaze me even in thought. You are spontaneous you make me dream. You are purity imbibed in beauty. You make me what I want to be, and care for you I always will because you are the Woman.

You say what you want and you tell me ur dreams and all I do is listen for fear that I might displease you by sharing them with you. But the truth I have already shared them with you.


Well a new addition an uncensored version of thoughts that have come and have been suppressed:

So u want to know about yourself you are the mother and the child, you are the thinker and the fool though I don’t know the difference. You are the lover and the muse. You are you and no one can be you.

Immense clarity of thought when it comes to things you care for, Strength of a lioness poise of a queen, Face of a child, id seen in a dream. You are the Woman, what the woman stands for me, caring, beauty, mystery all rolled in one, where do I begin where do I end, you are the lover you are the friend.

I don’t really know whether this will reach you or will it remain as a cry in my soul resounding till its too late and then as a shout not heard.


The End - Sometimes a Man goes Crazy - Surrender 2

Sometimes a man goes crazy, and it’s all by his own will that’s exactly what’s happening to me, I guess this could be a great beginning to a good love story, but the sad part is that some love stories end up becoming tragedies. Is mine one I still am not ready to believe. But if I was a man to go by probabilities and mathematical calculations then I have to say that the odds are really heavily stacked against me.

Well isn’t that a certainty. It takes courage to write this down to even think it, well I still hang onto the little strings of hope that exist and the memories, oh the beautiful memories of that face, of that touch of that caress of that kiss.

A new beginning is always an end, what if there are some leftovers which continue from the past to haunt you, things that keep you alive and yet kill you every second. I open up like this very rarely but right now I am split wide open to the hounds that feed on me to all and I really don’t care.

Life goes on they say and I agree but then it doesn’t necessarily mean that it goes the way you wanted it, well does it even go the way that god wanted it I wonder at times. And then I question whose god mine or yours, and I say not ours. Well life might go on but do I, Question Mark?????????

Its strange isn’t it that one stops just as soon as he’s ran passed the ledge and the falls begin , why did it have to happen like that. The realisation coming in after the emotions, are already set into motion, the inertia broken and momentum increasing with each passing second. Full stop, well it’s kind of sad that I had accepted the things that were, and the most difficult was to accept the facts that you didn’t say. Your monsters which now haunt me they are the ones which broke me not the world, I had never given them the permission to hurt me , that’s what causes the pain and nothing else. I want to face all that I can because there is nothing else left which can be as painful as the moment that everlasting moment. The everlasting night has turned into a nightmare and I cant even scream for my scream may wake you up. Irony of it all.

Every movement that I take towards you stops before it begins convulsed motion nipped at the bud with superhuman effort. Shouts of pain of possession muffled till they remain within me, was this not what I was scared of and now it has become a reality hasn’t it. I surrendered to you and I surrender to u once again. I surrender my soul and now you own it you do. But you will never know that would you.

Right i don't feel any of this anymore i do remember feeling them, i can almost feel the breadth of air and the squeeze but not quite , but i like coming back to this once in a while just to know that i felt it once and maybe that i will feel it again but then im not sure if i still believe, if i still believe in love

My mirror image, my illusions , my space

Its 4 am and im still here. as i returned to the blogosphere my purpose was to read someones impressions , and while i read they made me think of how i wrote a few years ago, when life was fresh and each experience was an adventure. It made me think of the changes in my own blog, in my own style of writing over the past few years. the conclusion is simple iv probably deteriorated over the past five years , its been all downhill for quite some time, there are pieces which i still like in the midst, pieces which shine out in my mind as drops of rain on parched soil , or maybe glimmers of intelligence in otherwise quite a dull mind.

So as i read from this secret closet of mine , all the posts that i enjoyed reading were mostly about friends and love, either found or lost, and maybe a few selfish moments of self reflection . Those were written when i was either anguished or ecstatic those were written when my soul and i mean my soul, the very insides of me were moved. And probably that is the way to write isnt it . I mean every moment of your life is not really perceived, its just lived and gone through sometimes not even registering itself to our conscious mind and yet there are these other moments when life stands out and makes you listen. I like recording those moments in time .

It s not that those moments haven't come in the recent past , they have come and gone and they have urged to me to record them, to shut them in this little shoebox of mine but somehow i had lost faith in this space itself. Ill give you my reason for that , its just that i didnt enjoy reading what i wrote , and well also because each moment captured here looses context as i move on, they somehow seem alien.

But i think yesterday was a different read altogether as i read i was amazed at my own resilience and actually stupefied by my memory or rather the lack of it, i did not feel what i felt while i wrote something , but then it made me aware of what i had felt and then I realised my blogs not just a collection of events but rather a compilation of feelings , of seasons of love and lust, of loneliness of anger, happiness, autism and sobriety. And as i journeyed through each road , that now laid forgotten in the past, it just made me realise the value of what i had .

Yes i am self obsessed , yes i am a social voyeur , but then thats what i am and thats what i want to remain . this blog is to me and for me , so in case i forget and get lost in the jungles of my mind let this be the place i come back to to find myself yet once again. And may the people that i write about here find bits of them here too, when they want to. Their mirror image their illusions as i find mine