Its 4 am and im still here. as i returned to the blogosphere my purpose was to read someones impressions , and while i read they made me think of how i wrote a few years ago, when life was fresh and each experience was an adventure. It made me think of the changes in my own blog, in my own style of writing over the past few years. the conclusion is simple iv probably deteriorated over the past five years , its been all downhill for quite some time, there are pieces which i still like in the midst, pieces which shine out in my mind as drops of rain on parched soil , or maybe glimmers of intelligence in otherwise quite a dull mind.
So as i read from this secret closet of mine , all the posts that i enjoyed reading were mostly about friends and love, either found or lost, and maybe a few selfish moments of self reflection . Those were written when i was either anguished or ecstatic those were written when my soul and i mean my soul, the very insides of me were moved. And probably that is the way to write isnt it . I mean every moment of your life is not really perceived, its just lived and gone through sometimes not even registering itself to our conscious mind and yet there are these other moments when life stands out and makes you listen. I like recording those moments in time .
It s not that those moments haven't come in the recent past , they have come and gone and they have urged to me to record them, to shut them in this little shoebox of mine but somehow i had lost faith in this space itself. Ill give you my reason for that , its just that i didnt enjoy reading what i wrote , and well also because each moment captured here looses context as i move on, they somehow seem alien.
But i think yesterday was a different read altogether as i read i was amazed at my own resilience and actually stupefied by my memory or rather the lack of it, i did not feel what i felt while i wrote something , but then it made me aware of what i had felt and then I realised my blogs not just a collection of events but rather a compilation of feelings , of seasons of love and lust, of loneliness of anger, happiness, autism and sobriety. And as i journeyed through each road , that now laid forgotten in the past, it just made me realise the value of what i had .
Yes i am self obsessed , yes i am a social voyeur , but then thats what i am and thats what i want to remain . this blog is to me and for me , so in case i forget and get lost in the jungles of my mind let this be the place i come back to to find myself yet once again. And may the people that i write about here find bits of them here too, when they want to. Their mirror image their illusions as i find mine
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