Iv been meaning to write for the past two days , they have been moments of restlessness, not that anything has changed dramatically its just that sometimes my very being tends to go into these states of restless reflection , not just bout self but everything around me . Its not like judgements , or me forming a particular impression of a thing , event or emotion, its just that i like having a purely intellectual and well sometimes completely nonsensical debate and honestly it tends to leave me more confused and sometimes indifferent rather than clearer of thought .
Well so here is a cascade of how thoughts have flown. In office, teams expanding creatives are in a sense a feel of movement. If you are unaware im working with a startup , well lets call it that cos its actually reenergising of a startup in video production. So basically the thoughts are around the future , the pros and cons of work but they oscillate between figuring out what will work and what wont , where i am within it all . Its difficult because i am not completely in charge , its difficult because even if i was i wouldn't have been certain of what would work. So its almost like a constant battle of finding myself within the organisation , there are good days and bad, i think there has been a positive movement with the team though it feels so much better , its surprising how easily you can consider yourself to be moving just by getting a few people in, though in actuality you are quite uncertain as to how you would fuel that momentum. I have over a period of time doubted the values of my employers , im not in sync with some of them , but i can understand how it is and why its being done , its interesting its like being in a catch 22 , i don't think its wrong but its not something id agree with its just different.
Life's been good in the recent past, loads of socialising, not necessarily with friends , well some friends some acquaintances, some relatives and loads of strangers, i think the strangers and the acquaintances are the fun bit of it. Friends sometimes are too comfortable to be around. Well its funny how things change anyways i recently attended a party / BBQ with 5 couples and 4 babies and as said by Karan in a recent blog of hers pheromones were in the air , i came back well it could be because of that or maybe a beer hangover , but i came back restless. there was no attraction , or thought at the BBQ i was in the moment and was having great fun , but i came back so alone that its not funny. I ended up having to go for a walk just to sort myself out cos i couldn't be in a room with my family while my brain was buzzing , i couldn't be confined , it might not have been people i just dint want to be in a room. Its strange how your brain works i walked and i thought , was listening to me Ipod , and the songs that i have a conscious memory of , which changed my mood were in this sequence, Desperado - eagles followed by take it easy - Eagles and Nothing else matters - Metallica . Says loads about my playlist doesn't it , but somehow the songs were answers to some questions in my head. Again that feeling of loneliness , of claustrophobia wasn't right or wrong it probably has a place somewhere but it was different from how iv felt about it before.
Anyways that brings me to relations. In my office there are two blokes, UK born of african origin , its the way they talk they are both married , or were both have kids , one of them is separated and in a relationship with a woman 2/3 his age, the others status i am not sure of but is with one woman companion, its just the way they talk about their relationship it seems so temporary and on the move. I think thats a culture shock still , i mean no matter how progressive i may pretend to be , but internally the pedestal that i place relationships on is different, i mean yes there are one night stands, and there is love or the illusion of being in it , but i mean atleast for some bit you put an effort to make things work , you think of it as something that will last , but here the outlook is of seeing it as temporary right from the beginning . Its not like i haven't seen people getting divorces in India or moving on , or even cheating on their wives on the sly , but i haven't seen this thought process or this way of perceiving relationships. Again im not certain if it s wrong or right its just different.
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