Random thoughts is this normal

Its but natural that when your day passes in no concrete, productive, well maybe thats the wrong word lets say purposeful or more like habitual , binding or consistent occupation the mind will wander. It could be trivial things or maybe some substantial current situation but it just amazes me the amount of random nonsensicle thoughts that rise in my head.

Here is a cross-section of some of the thoughts i have had recently

1) The case of the stuffed bear - Is it normal for a 27 odd year old woman to still get excited about a new acquisition for her soft toy collection. Recently i came across a FB update with a picture and all from an acquaintance about her new possession, which happens to be a cuddly soft toy of the bear variety. Now is this something that you would first of all like to acquire, secondly get excited about and lastly would announce about to the whole world through FB. Maybe its just me but really is this what reality is all about. I remember gifting my girlfriends from the past stuff like that and them getting all excited about it but we were younger then and well it was all personal and stuff. You didnt click pictures with it and put them up on public domain for exhibition. But then neither was their Fb at that time. i cant quite understand why it should get stuck in my radar, its not even something that really bothers me but it just is something that gets stuck in my head.


2) The journey without destination - this is a recent thought, its not cos Stinks (a friend of mine) was out travelling randomly making her plans on the fly, cos after all there was some method to this madness and a destination in mind even if it were selected throwing a dart on the map. This thought was the bastard of something she gave me a random book, which as such i wouldnt have picked up. Its called "the heart is a lonely hunter" and its a celebrated and acclaimed piece of work by this American author called Carson McCullers. I wouldn't really delve into the details of the plot, but its just that as soon as i finished reading the book all i felt was disappointment and discontent. I think i should have figured that one out from the title of the book, but then as they say you cant judge a book by its covers, those fuckers lie ofcourse. Anyways its not that the ending was sad and disappointing, that could be acceptable, it was just that i felt it was so insipid and normal, neither spectacularly happy nor reverently vile, but rather just luke warm and bourgeois. I read it and then sat there thinking what a waste of time, but then i thought sometimes its good to waste time and sometimes things are done for no particular reason, like this book the way it was written and why it was read. And as i sit here thinking about it theres something about the simple nontheatrical ending which does appeal to me. Its weird how certain things things take time to sink in and similarly how certain journey are embarked upon for no particular reason at all.

Well i have had some othr thoughts too though fleeting that of ambition and desire and the gap between them and their achievement, about love and companionship and the need or societal demand for it. but maybe that will be for some other day lets just finish this one here.

Been buisy with what

At times its quite difficult to understand let alone explain whats keeping me buisy nowadays. This entire phase of non-directional restlessness, of purposeless existence.

Just to give you some perspective, Its been almost 5 months now since i left my last job. Initially it was nice to be free once again to be able to spend time with family, and then there was no serious commitment as i was anyways planning to come back to India.Now its been almost three months that i have been in India and well just over two months that i have been actively seeking a job , and well nothing really seems to be happening, its a bit frustrating i must say . I guess thats the gripe of the unemployed anywhere. But knowing that other people might be going through a similar phase isn't really comforting.

Well thats that But whats even weirder is that even though i am actively not involved in any productive activity, however its really difficult to make time for things other than those which currently occupy my time. For example making adequate number of applications, or posting on this blog or actively compiling my thoughts so that maybe someday i could actually author some sort of literary blunder. I dont freaking have the time.

So now you might ask what exactly are u into nowadays , well honestly not much, i jog , i like to go for a walk, i watch a little bit of television, and well i read a bit and lastly i sleep and yeah i eat. So now you might ask what the fuck is it that prevents you from doing anything else or balancing this stupid schedule out, specially now that you have the full 24 hrs to do all. Even if i spent equal time on all these activities i still could manage an even spread of 4 hrs each. And no im not on dope so i dont bloody eat for 4 hrs yet.

Its difficult to explain but there is something almost ritualistic in the way i exist currently. However there was recently a break in this existence as Stinks managed to somehow make her way all the way up to Simla. That was fun its nice meeting friends after ages, a bit awkward initially specially if you are seeing them at fucking 5 in the morning, and specially since stinks no longer has short hair but rather long dreadlocks which made me call her stinkie baba and well made it difficult initially to relate to her. Strange how things effect you, but then as time passed it was fun. Cant really say it was the same as it once was the context wasn't quite right there wasn't a karan or neeti, or anoopie or a serra around and probably the way we think behave and react has changed a bit over time. But it was still nice having a beer and grabbing a smoke over a conversation or sometimes even silence at the misty rooftops of simla, or being trapped in a stupid rain shelter with some school kids. It was a nice break though honestly i think i couldnt have taken too much more of it. Its difficult for me to exist without this personal space and its almost impossible to create one when your friends down alone specially to meet you. Delhi was so much more fun to meet-up for a bit, though the evening ultimately died and the stupid Yeti Thali was impossible to consume, but none the less the evening was great before it was killed. Delhi was hot sticky and the interview i had gone to give there was shite, and i couldnt meet up with Dr. love or Mrs. Dr. Love, the grub was mostly overrated and yet i pigged out, however somehow meeting up with stinks and her sis made up for most of the things that didnt go my way.

So im back now the routines still not back the job applications continue but not at the pace id like them to progress at , everything else (the jogs, the walk and the non smoking) is still a mess and yet again i find it difficult to find time to gather my thoughts though atleast i have posted on this blog once again.

Dry parched land

Its been over a month that i have been in India, and the earth still seems parched waiting in vain for that beautiful impregnating cool rain. Rain that refuses to come while life is on the verge of giving up. Sorry bout all the depressive dull meteorological talk had driven down to this parched piece of land that my dad had bought ages ago , land which he has tried his level best to till and sow, but land which produces nothing for him except for heartburn and losses. The man who works that soil for him is a useless con artist who seems to get some money out of my dad every time he goes there. But Yet i see no harm in it, somehow this land satisfies some rustic bit of his soul, there is something there which gives him pleasure.

Its weird how friendship works. There are three friends , old and withered. There was a time when they ruled the roost, they had happy families who cared for them, looked up to them, they had wives who were social and willing, they had children who got along and who loved them unconditionally. They had siblings who were honest and united. There were family trips and outings, there were picnics and dinners, there were long drives and learning how to drive, there were nights spent just playing cards and gassing. There was a time even before this when they were children well atleast two of them inseparable comrades, joint partners in all crime , from their first smoke to god knows what i don't know all.
But now its all withered and fading , ones without a wife , uprooted from a city he knew, a city he was respected in, brought to living with a son and his wife , cant say he is ill treated, would say hes lost, his mates are here, his wife is dead , at times i wonder.
The second friend is the casanova, first wives dead , seconds a pain , tried for a third one but that was a shame, so the second one sticks, but also gives him stick but then thats life. to add to this siblings are fighting , kids don't care, body is hurting , but then maybe its just that he likes to crib. But yes there was a time when life was good and currently the tide seems to have turned for the worst , a faltering son and huge sums of cash , the father sticks even if his children don't care.
And then there is a third friend, who carries on, seems to be happy but no ones tension free, healths fading, and social life's dying, wife's anti social and sons a crib, sons at home without a job , yes thats me , but then its al right this friend doesn't have it that bad he has me.

They don't meet each other every day , nor do they even talk over the phone and im sure they dont sms, bb or fb each other. But its on days like today when they travel to a parched piece of land with parched throats and carefree hearts, that miracles happen and barren arid land produces its best yield yet. They know its for a bit, they also know where the other one will fall short but in the end they also know that no matter what happens they will have each others back. And this little time that they have they can rule the roost again, and be the three friends they once were without the shackles of responsibility, without the pain of loss, without the burden of age.

A new Era Begins

Small changes creep into our lives and we don't even notice them, till one fine day you realise that you are not the same person that you were before. Honestly change is inevitable (Cliched, i know but so true), people say they haven't changed, but thats such a lie , every experience , every success, every failure , every memory and every memory removed changes us. But then im not really talking about such a change, such change is gradual , at times even not perceived, but there are some changes which just shout out and slap you in the face.

Im back home , infact i have been back home for just about a week now, its not been difficult to get into another schedule, its people i know, its places i Havent seen for ages but its places that evoke childhood memories which have been buried and forgotten long ago, good and bad, mostly good though. Its a new life.

I miss that life, well not so much the life but rather the people,i miss Arihaant, and though i wouldn't be caught dead saying it i do miss my sis too. The beer and the ham and the fancy meals i can do without , but i miss the independence of cooking my meals the way i want them.I miss the familiar roads of the daily jog, the roads here were familiar once but now seem strange,those roads which are familiar now will one day be strange again.

Right so coming back to Simla the first thing that hits you is the fact that its a small town and that every one knows everyone. i miss the anonymity of larger towns. Here you are stopped on familiar roads by semi-familiar faces that want to know where you have been, and what you are doing and the burning question are you married yet. i mean its as if every stranger wanted to give me his / her daughter and couldnt wait for me do procreate. Damn small towns, at the same time its interesting to know about the lives of people here, satisfied lives, at times stagnant but atleast superficially satisfied. And here i go once again not knowing where i want to go, or how im gonna get there. Its sad at 32 im still as confused as a 10 year old. I mean i meet juniors from school, classmates even random acquaintances who seem to have made something of themselves, who seem to have some direction, either by choice or by force but they have a path while i struggle to find the light.

Maybe thats what lifes all about , but Simla is like that it always makes me think , it might be cause i have always had too much spare time when im here but in a way i think thats good. So here is to finding a new job , a new life and well maybe a new wardrobe and to remembering the people that are not here, heres to a new Era an era of self discovery yet once again.

The Birthday Post

As has been tradition this is the Birthday post supposedly written on every birthday, to reflect on the year gone and life in general.

Well atleast thats the way it should be sadly enough i think this is my first birthday post, though i think id like to post one regularly, that would atleast guarantee one post for the year.

So Lets catch up a little bit - another years gone and i am (in hushed tones) 32 , well honestly after 30 it doesn't matter that much. I can still remember turning 30 with new friends in a new university, in a new city and a new country, sadly everything about that is stale and no matter how brave a face i pulled that day it did feel old. 31 went all alone (to be read as without family) in london , well managed to have a great day with an old friend from school, not that he much remembered it being my birthday, but i did manage to escape being alone and managed to be well watered by the end of the day.

This year was much better, i think my birthday actually lasted 2 hours more than the scheduled 24 hours of the day, We started celebrating early cos my little nephew had to sleep and it would be no fun cutting the cake without him. There was cheese cake to be had (baked not frozen ) i think my sister has finally perfected her recipe.


The gifts were great i got an 11 cd Audio book for Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, i have so been wanting it for such a long time now, its great to finally get my hands on it.

I got a pedometer which should ideally sort out the daily dash once im back in india, and it works great too , theres enough time to just about calibrate it right, sadly enough the software doesn't work on mac and so ill need to put it on apple or run windows on my mac for it well lets see how i work around it once im home. But more importantly the gadgets really cool

Lastly i got my tattoo. Iv been wanting to get a second one since quite some time now, but then there was always this hesitancy, but as im going back and well in a crazy instance of insanity , i just decided what i wanted where i wanted it and how i wanted it . Its a Tiger and a Dragon in a Yin - yang symbol, its orange , green, blue and black, well here have a look.

Well it was a gruelling 5 hour session, actually 6 hour but we took a lunch break, and yes after the first bit it does hurt a bit specially when he goes over a particular part again and again, luckily i got it on my shoulder and there wasn't much ink directly over the bone that hurts i know that from my previous tattoo . But yeah it seems to be looking good enough. Initially i had wanted the tiger at the bottom somehow over the course of designing and getting the Tattoo he came on the top but i guess thats destiny. While i was at the shop another indian bloke was getting a shiva on his arm it looked good, he was 46, this was his first tattoo and he had wanted it for over 15 years now , his wife thought it was insane, his kids thought it might be cool , i thought does it really matter, and suddenly it wasn't strange being in that tattoo parlour anymore and it was surely not an act of insanity. Im already thinking of what next and when .

Right so i got carried away with that one coming back to the birthday. The Day was shite in terms of weather. And i was thinking that my plans for going out for lunch with the family would surely have to be abandoned. So to compensate for it we had a special birthday breakfast pancakes with peanut butter and honey , it was heavenly and i was clearly throwing caution to the flaring diabetic risk. Well thats a good beginning to the day , and god for a change was with me and granted us a clear afternoon, infact a beautiful sunny though slightly windy afternoon. The mexican street food at wahacas at Convent garden was amazing, and the Tamarind margaritas just out of this world. Hmmm mmm mm m

Followed by running after the baby at Trafalgar square i think it was a good ending to a great day , came home tired the weather was still amazing and i thought might as complete the day with a run , jogged for a bit, almost died , but yeah i think the day was quite good.

So while things change, and as my days here come to an end i look forward to a new life , to India and celebrating my next birthday there lets see how that goes so till next year on that .

The first Post in the year 2012

Its strange after all the broken promises of being faithful this is the only place that i somehow return to after periods of abandonment and neglect. Whats even more surprising is how comfortable it always feels. Its almost like i need to get submerged in bits of reality, need to drink from that fountain of experience, ecstasy, pain and anguish, be there entirely before i can derive any nourishment from it. But somehow once the experience has been consumed it needs to be emitted out onto this blog, to be framed as colourful puke expelled with great gusto from the innards of my soul.

Right so nothings changed and yet everything has, iv left my underpaid highly frustrating yet highly challenging employment and once again find myself in the arms of the ever engulfing monster of unemployment. Slowly as my brain turns to mush from the lack of stimuli, i find myself procrastinating the search for a suitable vocation. I find myself slowly moving towards that eminent decision of cutting my losses and returning home with my tail between my legs and yet when i consider all that investment i wonder. I guess it didn't turn out the way i wanted after all, i didn't make that quick return on investment as i had hoped, and maybe i will still get something out of this once i am home though currently as is quite evident i will consider it as a defeat so life 1 zillionth Shashwat maybe a 100, but then who's keeping points.

Just to clarify this UK has some really cool things , like food labels with nutritional info on it , great walks , some really nice ice-cream and some even better whiskies, some really long days of spring and some women in awfully short dresses, free weekends and other smaller things that over the years do mean a lot, but comparatively India has always held more, it has always meant more. The only problem is i consider going back a defeat, a failure of what i had planned, that necessarily might not be good or bad but in my head it is a failure to achieve and thus its easier to cling to this empty promise of a fight. Its difficult to explain, and some might say its the age old case of sour grapes but honestly its not, its just that moneys bigger here and loans are easier to repay and most importantly Arihaant is here, how much ill miss him i don't even want to think about it. Im scared that he will forget me im more scared that i will forget him.

Well right so coming back to how things have changed , i think im getting really short tempered , and a bit sulky at times, its either that i have too much time to think about trivial incidences or it could be that im loosing a bit of my mind. It could also be because of the severe nicotine withdrawal that my body s facing . Didn't i tell you guys i finally quit smoking for real , its been a month now well will be in another lets say 15 hours or so though its been just about a week or so off the nicorette , im getting there slowly but steadily. I do miss the occasional fag but its become occasional cravings tat can be managed unlike those desperate moments of complete surrender before.

I have so much more to say and yet no words, 2012 has been a tough year but iv been tough too. A lot of changes, a lot of the same, a few new starts a few projects abandoned, a few desperate measures, some life altering shit. Well thats life. It almost feels like i have lost myself somewhere in living this insipid lukewarm life. Indifference seems to have become such a common habit that i cant quite remember anymore what i preferred, did i ever have a preference or was that a dream.

This year i need to look for myself again and i might not succeed but if i do i think it might be someone that you have never seen before , it might be someone that i myself do not recognise. No promises this year, will keep you posted when i can and feel like.