Its strange after all the broken promises of being faithful this is the only place that i somehow return to after periods of abandonment and neglect. Whats even more surprising is how comfortable it always feels. Its almost like i need to get submerged in bits of reality, need to drink from that fountain of experience, ecstasy, pain and anguish, be there entirely before i can derive any nourishment from it. But somehow once the experience has been consumed it needs to be emitted out onto this blog, to be framed as colourful puke expelled with great gusto from the innards of my soul.
Right so nothings changed and yet everything has, iv left my underpaid highly frustrating yet highly challenging employment and once again find myself in the arms of the ever engulfing monster of unemployment. Slowly as my brain turns to mush from the lack of stimuli, i find myself procrastinating the search for a suitable vocation. I find myself slowly moving towards that eminent decision of cutting my losses and returning home with my tail between my legs and yet when i consider all that investment i wonder. I guess it didn't turn out the way i wanted after all, i didn't make that quick return on investment as i had hoped, and maybe i will still get something out of this once i am home though currently as is quite evident i will consider it as a defeat so life 1 zillionth Shashwat maybe a 100, but then who's keeping points.
Just to clarify this UK has some really cool things , like food labels with nutritional info on it , great walks , some really nice ice-cream and some even better whiskies, some really long days of spring and some women in awfully short dresses, free weekends and other smaller things that over the years do mean a lot, but comparatively India has always held more, it has always meant more. The only problem is i consider going back a defeat, a failure of what i had planned, that necessarily might not be good or bad but in my head it is a failure to achieve and thus its easier to cling to this empty promise of a fight. Its difficult to explain, and some might say its the age old case of sour grapes but honestly its not, its just that moneys bigger here and loans are easier to repay and most importantly Arihaant is here, how much ill miss him i don't even want to think about it. Im scared that he will forget me im more scared that i will forget him.
Well right so coming back to how things have changed , i think im getting really short tempered , and a bit sulky at times, its either that i have too much time to think about trivial incidences or it could be that im loosing a bit of my mind. It could also be because of the severe nicotine withdrawal that my body s facing . Didn't i tell you guys i finally quit smoking for real , its been a month now well will be in another lets say 15 hours or so though its been just about a week or so off the nicorette , im getting there slowly but steadily. I do miss the occasional fag but its become occasional cravings tat can be managed unlike those desperate moments of complete surrender before.
I have so much more to say and yet no words, 2012 has been a tough year but iv been tough too. A lot of changes, a lot of the same, a few new starts a few projects abandoned, a few desperate measures, some life altering shit. Well thats life. It almost feels like i have lost myself somewhere in living this insipid lukewarm life. Indifference seems to have become such a common habit that i cant quite remember anymore what i preferred, did i ever have a preference or was that a dream.
This year i need to look for myself again and i might not succeed but if i do i think it might be someone that you have never seen before , it might be someone that i myself do not recognise. No promises this year, will keep you posted when i can and feel like.
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