After Dark another random book

Read a new book another handout from stinks she seems to be a major source for appeasing my literary appetite currently. Another book which seemed to go no where by the end of it. And yet another tantalisingly interesting read.

A bit weird in terms of its subject a beautiful woman whos asleep for over two months , not in a coma but asleep and isolated within a room by her own choice and her boringly ordinary sister whos out for a night about, just to get away from it all. Another morbid book you'd think but surprisingly well written . The books called After Dark, and its by Haruki Murakami. Probably will try and read another one of his books

Its strange what all one can enjoy reading at times , its wasnt the story or the plot which was really absorbing but rather the style in which the book was written its the  conversations that he makes  interesting. Its not the  plot or the story that grips you but the  details of ordinary conversations, the lengths  of them its  like being there. I never knew  conversations could be that  interesting but  i guess from my latest  post its visible that at times they are.

The  book also involves a  chinese  prostitute working for the  chinese  mob, and an It professional who vents out his frustration or gets his  pleasure from hitting this  girl. Thats what the  book ends  abruptly  and  you are  left wanting more  a bit more but at the same time satisfied because the plot wasn't as gripping anyways. The journey through it was  good but the destination you aren't quite sure of.

I have read this book once again since the post was originally written and  nothing has changed but somehow the second read was better . Should get another  of his books

The search for Shambhus

Its been ages since i went  out on one of my random walks with a  purpose, some how Ahmedabad  is not the right  place to go for walks its either too sticky or well  this season too wet.  Its not just the weather  it just doesn't  feel right for some strange reasons either the roads are too full or too empty or just too dusty.

But i guess thats the way it flows. Ahmedabad  is a  nice  city to be in though. People seem nice, its a  bit disorganised but then which place in India isn't except for  maybe Chandigarh. Its filled  with superrich people and with people who love to eat out. Be it street food or restaurants  everything seems so filled. Do people not cook  at home. I guess when theres no alcohol you need to find other  ways to let  your hair down. Its a bit weird for a  stranger  in town used  to his drink. Its not that  i drink too much its just that  now that  i know its  not available that  i think about it  at times. I don't  crave for it just think about it once in  a while.

Im sitting in a  cafe today came out just for a  change  of scenery sadly enough my search for Shambhu Cafe was futile as there seem to be only two particular units in town which have a  nice sit in place, others are  these  roadside  shacks horrible stinky  places. Very nice sp cold coffee though .  Thick creamy yummy thats basically what  i was  after so after  having a  coffee while  holding  my nose i came across the road in lure of free wifi which today is slow so im not using it. im carrying my own 3g equipment  thank god for that.

So im sitting in a decent  cafe with an AC having a  shite coffee and  some ok pizza veg of course .  Didn't  realise  i had  worked up such an appetite.  there  are only two people in the cafe maybe its the time. The couples discussing marriage which probably is their  plan for  the  future. The girl discusses how  she needs to change her job, her frustrations and her  plans. Working in the  big 4  seems to the  common dream here.  I have come across so many people  in the  recent  past that either are working there or have worked there  and though they all praise it but they are just so completely sapped of it. She does not want to work there.  But i got sidelined i caught a  bit of their conversation based around the  girl not wanting to work after marriage or taking it easy. The  guy agrees but with a slight change  in his tone im not too sure  if  he's happy , but  he's supportive . Now shes complaining about how the guy  didn't  quite prepare her for an interview he had arranged  , damn so much complication. Do normal people discuss this,  is this what  couples conversations  today are  about. I guess it depends upon what  phase of the relationship you are in. Damn so many unhappy people so much mess in the  world. I guess thats the way it goes.

Job hunting  has been such a horror , that  i just get put off by even someone else's angst about job search. I guess  im a true escapist cos id  even run away from these  conversations.

Its started raining remember  the wet i had the sticky before  now  on my way back i might just get the wet too. Its just drizzling its quite nice looking out of the  window watching  people  go by . I hadn't quite noticed the  rain till the  girl mentioned it.

Now she talks about marriage and about how her family is looking to get her married soon , what shock thought  they had solid plans for marriage, i guess  life is really complicated, suitors in Agra are  mentioned. The  plots  getting thicker and  my ear stand up  as the conversations  goes down a few decibels.   Theres a  complication between the boy  and his father  he works with his father  but the  girl perceives some sort of a  distance between them. Her father wants  her to get married, she has to go meet this boy in Agra, she doesn't want  to but has too as she cant quite refuse point blank i guess i walked  into a real situation here.

This  phase  of a  relation is so boring and probably so important  again something  that  i get uncomfortable with, not about  hidden affairs but  about the  certainty of getting tied down to one  single  person. Again not that i have this whole bunch of women in my cupboard or that i am a  polygamous man , im strictly monogamous in fact im chronically single for quite  some time now. But its just like with the  drink i guess  when im certain that this is  it ill miss it the  most ,ill moss being single or having a choice.

The discussions moved  on while  im contemplating my position and the discussion has moved on to what to eat and where to go Funs had discussing the  various couisines  they could try including snake and others they are  veg  probably both of them. They decide that enoughs been achieved  here and its time to leave,  The girl is summing it up  well while shes  leaving "Kya  discussion hua or  koi solution nahin hua".

Its  just amazing how frivolous  relationships are i mean two minutes ago there seemed to be so much gloom and the conversation had  almost died  out  and  all of a  sudden the  love is back again just because  they discussed about where  to eat. Lovers have such short memories at times maybe theres a  learning to be had there that  solutions  will come and  there no great use  in contemplation take  life  less seriously and  it will  be  better. Or maybe its just that we are Ahmedabadi,s food  , talking about food makes  us happy .

Shambhu dear Shambu where  art though i seek thy thick sugary cold coffee to make me happy again.    

Long sip goodbye

That  looks  good she said  ,  i told her  it was  mine she offered a swap. I refused  we fought and parted ways , but as i reached the stairs it struck me  in my hurry my heart was  away. I went  back for it but she wasn't in the room. I scanned  the periphery  i longed for her scent, but  there was nothing there  not even a  trace.

Love had found its way into my heart but sadly in my fight for possession i had broken hers. I didn't quite  know how to get back to her , she was a stranger in   strange town, it was just a  night. We had never exchanged numbers , how do i look for her now. 

I ran through uncertain corridors searching shouting out her  name for thats all i had.  I  worked harder just to numb the  pain , did she feel it too hadn't  i broken her heart. I came home desolate and made myself a  cup of coffee the  taste was bitter  on the tongue but oh so right. While i sipped my coffee, it came back that night.  As i was lost in the aroma there  was  a ring at the  door and  there stood  lady love  ready to implore. I  invited her in and made her  sit and then i remembered what  we had fought over  oh shit. I  showed her  the door and bid her  goodbye  for it was my beautiful cup of coffee on which she had an eye. 

Nescafe coffee at its best , do you really need  anything else hahahaha.

Lets kill the Buggers

Its past my bedtime , i just  thought id  let you guys know how much im enjoying being back at writing. If  you guys write too just drop in  a comment with a  link and  ill try and  catch up with what  you are writing. Do remember im not looking for official sites  but rather  personal ones , and no pictures  of cats dressed up please.

Right so lets just get a  piece of how i go about blogging currently. Every morning when i get  up  i generally think about what  im going to write  about,  actually a  mini Aha  moment  occurs while i experience  something  or while im thinking about something, but yes a basic tiny two liner  is drafted in my head every morning. Now whether  i get  the  time to write  this idea down , is another thing. So many thoughts have  risen and died within a  span of a  day. At times when i do sit down to write it just doesn't work,  i mean either the ideas weak ,  or boring or just to random for completion ,and then it stays as a  draft very rarely completed. And those might be the days  that die without a  word out.

So what  was bothering me this morning you might ask,  and  i shall lay the  thought before you for  for consumption. I woke up  and all i could think about was negativity. Have  you ever come across people, who just are unpleasant , you meet them once and  thats just about it , you feel depressed and angry, and then you meet them again and  you  are certain its not worth another  meeting.

I have very recently come across one such man ,and  sadly enough its a flatmate. The  nature of the man is such that if you were to give him food  even though hed been hungry for decade, im certain he would find a  way to criticise your cooking, either  the  salt would be  too much for his palate, or he'd complain  that the  food wasn't hot enough. But thats just not it  if it was  just a an overcritical man it would be fine, but whats really loathsome is that  such a  man hides it all behind a  highly inflated sense  of morality and  ooh  the manipulation. I think that's getting a  bit too personal now. But somehow even the notion of such a man just brings about the  worst in me forget about the  actual being.  Everything is not good  enough,  if you suggest a restaurant, and  the  service is slow he would blame  you for it  not directly but He'd comment in such ways and  associate the restaurant with you that  you feel responsible for his misadventure.

 But that's not it either  everything seems so vile for  example this daily conversation that we have which I think is  basically  a gumption trap set  for me every morning. The conversation flows like this and  this usually happens as im dressing up, or having breakfast before leaving for office
Me: Hello Good Morning (im a  good morning person strange  enough)
He: hi so are you going to office  today
Me: (no im getting dressed  for your dads wedding) Haan saab(sir) I have  office  today
He: saab(sir) aaj holiday nahin hai
Me: nahin saab are  you off
He: No but app chutti lele (take a leave today) how much you will work  ,every day, they make you work so hard. (delivered in a sarcastic tone)


I personally felt that  this morning ritual is specifically put in place  to just get me started on the wrong foot. I mean imagine a  day you are  not  really in the mood for work, you know you have an hours commute ahead of you and you aren't really looking forward to it , those days  this  simple conversation can be so difficult. Luckily till date  i haven't had such a day.

Now  take  another statement  , its great fun to have  chicken in front of a  non vegetarian who cant  have chicken that day . Its just plain mean and i just don't get it. I just don't understand the  logic behind it, why would  someone  drive pleasure out of someone else's discomfort. And theres no real animosity here , no hatred  just  plain brotherly love.

Right  you will come  across such people  , my initial reaction was to fight back to give snap responses. Simply shoot from the  hip as it came. As i said before it consumed me and brought out the worst in me. The end  result would usually be an argument. Then i realised that in reality there was no real intent behind his comments, its just that  he'd lived  in such circumstances, or rather  moulded himself in such a  way  that this was now the way he was. I really cant  improve  on him , i  cant change  him no matter  how much i push for it. I have dealt with people  like this before  , iv found it the most difficult to work with them, they are just black holes for energy and  intent , but none the  less  they can be worked. But that's not my point. Basically what im trying to get at is that  no matter  what  happens once you realise that being negative  is a  part of someones nature and that the contempt / gumption trap is not really intentional , then its  easier to  just radiate energy,  enthusiasm and intent and  usually it does rub off even though it might be  for a  limited period of time. Its  like charging someones battery for a  period yes i might not like doing it but that  then im doing it for a  very selfish reason. So i talk big, not  react  now  and life's better .  Another  strategy that i have  found quite useful is clearly pointing  out  negativity / gumption traps,  though id use this selectively. But the  most important  technique is to not take  it seriously and specially not to carry it with you, and that my friend is the  lesson i have learnt over this weekend. It works now , im  not critical i have accepted facts for what they are thats what  makes me what  i am. Clearly its  not entirely out of my system if im blogging about it,  but  believe you me it does help me function better.

conversations

Some  conversations are just had to connect they have no basic themes they sometimes  don't even have a  context like  random conversations in a  dream.   Conversations  like flying leaves in an autumn breeze.  Conversations the murmured nothings of lovers and politicians, white  lies and  black truths and honest confessions.

conversations the fabric of life  can one really exist in vacuum. 

I was thinking how important it is for us  to have  conversations,  be it with friends  , colleagues  , or mates conversations are truly so important. I had a  random conversation yesterday , it didnt have to be we  talked for a time with no direction  , it was just to say yes  im still here ,  you  can talk and i will reply you are not  alone in this vaccium , and  that you can take  warmth from my breath. 

And yet there are  days  and there are  people that  just  seemed so filled with words, to be avoided  like the  bubonic  plague. Have you had  those days  where  chatter  has been incessant and all you wanted to do was  to run away and sit in solitude in absolute vacuum shutting everything out, just for a  bit just for a minute , an hour, a day just for  a lifetime. 

Iv heard  silence too has its  own merits but honestly i haven't  practiced it much , Too much of silence   too for me  is dreaded. The silence at a  mourning , or the  silence of pure distraught, the  silence of  pure  inescapable thought. To flee from it one must talk  the silence  of fear or of discovery at times the  silence  of  shock. 

So the  question my friend here is whether to talk or not to talk. 

Of course  i do understand the importance of both and at times have hated both too ,  balance  is  important and its striking this thats  difficult. And what  do you do when conversations not really  flowing out of your mouth ,  words like spiders crawl back into your gullet being afraid of the  light outside or  at other times when you are afflicted by verbal diarrhoea  which is usually followed by a  bout of the  foot in the  mouth disease. 

Right enough of this  random conversation , lets take a  break and  think in silence about the  absolute  uselessness of this  post. 

A spark from the past to rekindle the present

Have things really  changed that much , where is that desire to write  something atrocious, to  write  something really from  the heart, to capture a  moment,  to frame a desire  or to live through a disappointment. I was just reading through my own blog randomly, i do that sometimes when i need to connect with a  me from the  past to actually notice change or the lack of it.

I do it when i dont enjoy what  i have written when i feel that its forced, and usually that either  gets me writing better  or  stops me from writing  completely. Either  ways  it works  because the end product is quality.  And  it prevents  a waste of time  , yours, mine, ours. Today iv written and saved two posts before i write this  one.

The stories that  i told once  were all lies  id like to say that , but honestly they were all true, i have lived an excitingly boring life  just like you , iv breathed in the same air had similar desires and achieved similar feats of mediocrity. Some of my desires did come through some  never saw the light of the day and then there were  others which took  a breath and died. But thats the circle of life  isnt it.

I can feel the restlessness i felt at times before , maybe it was just  the youth, maybe it was something else  but i tend to react differently now. I wont say im old  id say im wiser . But i still have a  long way to go. The things that affected me then still remain its just my reactions to them have changed. I recently came  across something id come across before  , its called the  90 / 10 principle , which is basically motivational crap but interesting. It says that  you  are not in control  over 90 % of the things that happen to you , however you  are  in control of how you react to them. A younger  me would  just not agree  to the  loss of control and  yet in every post i read  i feel  thats exactly what i was  fighting. Thats exactly  what  i complained about , i complain less now.

Its  weird how  i use to make such mountains out of molehills. I mean every failure , every disappointment every little  obstacle seemed so big, it seemed soul crushing. Yet i did survive through them, retrospectively thinking i did sit for the  GMAT that  i had  missed because of a missing passport, did go abroad to Europe , did see different cultures and did study. I still haven't found love but my search for it has taken a  back seat somewhat (and  honestly  that  is a  bit disappointing  , but it doesnt really drive me to madness, maybe  the  spark will ignite again), and  im a little less unfit, the smoking continues, but alcohols out of my life currently (Gujrat will tend to do that  , god every post has a  beer mentioned in it what  was  i doing) (giving you some  context  was reading some of the posts from 2007). But yes basically lifes changed a bit and remained  stagnant at the same time, some of those desires still live  but then the  way i behave and react to them has changed.

Basically Life is good i get to meet keren on alternate weekends  , well its  comfortable and the  conversations might be  different but the  tone  is the  same and the  familiarity is wonderfull. The new roomies are ok , i have been quick to jump the  gun on being judgemental and find it difficult to handle one mate, but i think ill work on that.

But the  biggest achievement is that  im back at this  and the sparks been ignited yet once again,  the rivers of consciousness runs deep, the  voice  within me is rising  wanting to speak, i hush it no more and train it to get louder for it has a duty to me  yet left incomplete.

On a roll second post for the night

Wow im  on a  roll , its past twelve and well past my bedtime, tomorrow i have to attend work and yet i find myself restless to talk to speak to type. Its  not really a  conversation that  im looking for  but rather  a discourse a vent an outlet.

Have  you ever come across people who  notice things that you  dont. Does  it never bother  you that you  are  not seeing the world change, seeing the  minute  detail of the tattoo on  the girls shoulder. Maybe its just  where your priorities lie and  how you assimilate (or choose to assimilate  the life around  you). I recently  came  across these two gentlemen. I use the term gentlemen loosely here  for  all that they see  they make judgements  on and  im not even sure if thats right and  i don't make this judgement on one conversation or one observation. Its  just that i believe its important for people to express themselves and  its equally important for others not to butt  in unless required, or unless its  conducive.

People will talk and they always  have but what ever gave them the right to talk but similarly what gives me the right to talk here. So should i call this off.

let  me just state facts and  let the  rest is up to you , so here goes. Recently i  found two new recruits  in my wagon of new  joinees. Rolling down the  hill of employment  and uncertainty of a  new job. They certainly  didn't seem uncertain at all but rather  confident . Maybe they have a  right to it maybe they don't, but this is how it went. we  were out for a cup of tea at the  common tea break, and all employees  mulled around . We had a  conversation with a couple married  in love  against culture and  hopefully on the  surface happy  together. The conversation of small talk  about business in general, however  as we returned  to our stations both of them commented  on a  finding of theirs , it just so happened that  they had observed this together. i mean both of them had  observed  it individually , and  realised that they both had observed it. It was a  date on the ids of the couple the  girl was  a  year older that the guy. And they found enough reason in this fact to have a discussion about it. Now the  discussion wasn't  just  it , the fact is i was  present there  i missed it, i had  known the couple longer spent more time  with them but i never  thought of it ,  i would have never thought of it ,  i still don't check out birth dates on id cards. All i wonder here  is why do i miss it while they take  it in .  And is it a trained  activity , is  it important  , would i like to have that ability, would it really effect me  ,  and whats my perspective, where  do i come  from  on that  . im not certain , im undecided on it, does  seem like a  superpower but  im not to sure if its  important enough. I think its a  trained ability, but  im not too sure how to get it. im not too sure whether  id like to have  it, if its  final destiny is a comment .

What do you think about it  , i just cant  get my head round  it , i do notice  unusual things  but i notice them cos im interested  in them i look for them , like tattoos and  nail-paints and  feet  and  random things like that , but i don't have a  fixed purpose behind it.

But isn't life also about observing and  is this not a  lack of it ,  is it important to expand you field of observation or rather  attention .  I know people  who make use of this selective attention like magicians and illusionists but i cant  quite understand what  would be better  to be an assimilator or to be a  filter. 

Something Random

I haven't really thought of any particular structure for this post and reading some of the material i have written before im not even sure if i ever used a structure , though in my head iv atleast always made an attempt to be organised.

As this is a very random on the fly post we will call it something random So here goes

I while i type this was part of this conversation with stinks , and it was about her recent Macbook , yes its not about her recent entry into the Assam Civil services , or her joining work (well training currently)
after 4 long years at home, long productive years of training for life. Yes getting back to this she insists on calling her macbook pro with retinal display a Macy and heres why your New Mac Book pro cant be called a Macy.

It just cant in my head Its just not cool to call your Macbook , or Mac a Macy , its just not dignified enough a word for a macbook pro, now what it is exactly that makes a Macbook what it is , is another question. I mean rationally thinking for a general indian in india the most important utility of a Notebook / Laptop other than surfing the net is Microsoft office, we basically live excel, eat word and breath powerpoint. And as any of you would know these functionalities though are available on the Mac OS , are addition's that need to be sourced and procured externally and at quite a steep price. Anyways for some strange reason when you are bit by the apple bug its difficult to rationalise. And so flowing from there if you are planning to spend your life time saving on a Macbook pro it deserves respect, not just for the cash but for its beauty , its nimbleness, its class.

And believe you me cos i do tend to work on both a laptop and a macbook pro its difficult to go back to a pc, windows just seems so slow so tedious and so ugly. But the conversation is not a comparison , its not rational as i said before its pure love and that only a guy who uses the machine can talk about it just cant be called a maccy no never.

Right moving on the other conversation is strangely enough about my timid and unconvincing approach to love and flirting. No im not in love and all of that its just that in recent days i have realised that behind all that exterior of a free flowing , extrovert is an interior which is shy and quick on the retreat atleast when it comes to maters of the heart. Is it really that i have become timid, most recently i was approached by a member of the fairer sex and her flirt just got me running away like a scardey cat with my tail between my legs, i just didn't have a response to a simple offer of going out for lunch sometime. A younger me or rather a different me would have jumped at it fixed it and finished it, but somehow all i do here is a simple flirt and then retreat , no dinners no lunches no coffees. Maybe times are a changing. Though honestly she's not my type but i don't remember having a problem in testing waters. Maybe i am growing old, i think its more about being rigid now and getting used to single status. Just the sheer thought of going out of being in a relation seem to scare the crap out of me , this cant be healthy. Lets see got to work on those skills a bit more.

Another one is about how management at times is not about acting , sometimes when you grow a management career you do realise and notice a lot of flaws in the system however at times ignorance is equally important as important as action. Being unaware is probably a managers biggest downfall , and whatever happens you cant let yourself be caught unaware. However its impossible at times to set everything in a system right immediately. At times its about bending systems rather than breaking them and at other times its just about priorities. The idea is to create a system which will run, now people might have different approaches to this. Its easy to create a system from scratch , but if you inherit a system then matters mentioned above become very important. Because after all the rules are set and unless you have played for a bit you can really influence the rules. So heres to playing the sport.

Right the last one was quite random but it feels good .

So thats the end to this random post.