everlasting night

Pain and suffering seem mere childs play,
things to derive pleasure from
the finality of the decision
is where the pleasure is born
Movement has been an essence,
will i ever stay still,
Wild horses too can be tamed,
all it requires is will.

Will to be, the will to do
what it takes to make it through,
the will to sacrifice to be born anew,
the will to hold you still.
Sweet pleasure sweet pain it is
to see you the way i do ,
but darling there was no other way
no other way that i could do.

There is a break and the thought is lost
lost forever in mistery
was this what i always wanted
was it what was meant to be
Seperation already is a feeling
a phantom haunting me deep inside
all i know is whatever happens
I could never satiate this appetite
the hunger i feel is so intense
everything melting including sense
And then once again a star will shine
forever yours forever mine
A dream to cling to
A dream to die for
a Dream a Dream for everlasting night.

GUEST APPEARENCE 1

Look in the mirror and tell me just what you see?What have the years of your life taught you to be?Innocence dyin' in so many ways..Things that you dream of are lost..Lost in the haze...Hold on..Hold on to yourself..For this is gonna hurt like hell...Hold on..Hold on to yourself..you know that only time will tell...What is it in me that refuses to believe...This isn't easier than the real thing!
My love,,you know that you're my best friend,,you know I'd do anything for you
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me... the man I love is leaving
Hold on...hold on to yourself...for this is gonna hurt like hell!!
Lead me to your river..The one that flows eternally..Kiss me with your whisper..As you breathe new life into me!! I lift my hands to you..And I know that you feel me. In presence I stand alone..But I know that you’re here with me...
I give my heart my soul my life to you..I give myself surrender all, all to you!

Farewell

Delight, favor, fated misery all is in his hands or was it my hands im to drunk on life to remember now. Is it drunk or is it drugged, from a known present I leap into a new future, from, love I leap to success, never knowing what I left behind or what I ill get in the future. I know what im leaving behind, I know how much it means to me I leave it in the hope of gathering it all together once again when I have an identity of my own.

Sometimes there seems to be a definitive plan to life and then in one stroke of genius god just changes everything, funniest is that it is never without my will. So I sit here willing all that is happening to stop and yet willing that it all happen too so finally I can bring a catharsis to this journey called life.

Good luck to all that I leave behind forever, my love to all that I leave behind in sorrow to be one with them somewhere in the future, Happiness to those who I cherish and those who have left their mark on my life. Sweet miseries to those whose lives I have marked may you all remember me as a sweet memory and nothing more to be relived in a brighter future.

Doors open up and I pass, I enter this tunnel of light only to realize that I am leaving a portion of me behind a portion that loves the darkness, or is it that from a definitive clarity I enter the world which is fogged by delusions, oh well after all the whole bloody world is an illusion. I exist and so do u forever in our memories in our pasts in pour hopes in our dreams.

Future appears like a reflection in the water clear at times blurred at others, distorted by every stone of emotion that skims across its surface, and there I see glimpses of you of us of what might be or of what could have.

Ah sweet misery I detest you, ah sweet misery you are dear to me, ahh sweet misery I will miss u, ah sweet misery I am yours I hold you I engulf you I surrender to you.

Memories that live on forever to be cherished at times, memories that leave tears on your pillow and you lie to yourself its just water from last night’s dew. Walking in the rain you leave behind a part of you mixed with the water, tears camouflaged, tears hidden, pain so strong that you really have to push every sinew to the brink of breaking just to control it,
Pain so intense that it sends out a silent scream in the night to be heard only by you. A pain so sweet that I would not have it any other way a pain that only I feel. .

Good-bye sweet people, good-bye sweet life, till we meet again sweet love
I will miss you all.

Peace

Dear all, ths is to just let you know that i have completely lost it finally and as usual in insanity i have found peace, i have made some major changes in my otherwise rotten lifestyle, basically meaning iv been off the bottle for bout a month.

Wat next well im making a career move and Well at the same time im trying to search for myself once again and well iv found someone special.

Well i find myself in her every day and every night well thats a new one to me too so no comments on that one please. Ok so anyways most of the time life seems to be a misery because the future seems so uncertain . and yet after all this uncertainty i find peace within me

i dont really understand at times that how come after so much of stagnancy, my life is so mobile all of a sudden.

Well now you all must be thinking this guy surely is strange hes so different fgrom the regular creator of thios blog , its not really a different me its just a different part of me , i m no different from what i was before thew only difference here is that i have a new facet to me which was not there befor

Ok now id like to tell you about how peace feels, it feels good to be doing all that i am doing , it seems to be in somuch harmony with myself, with me my environmment. It seems like all my body as well as the nature around me is conspiring to just make things happen,. It feels llife flowing with a stream unconcious yet concious not caring yet aware. It feels beautiful.

It feels like everything is happening naturally, falling into place for the good, even if at present it seems bad. Its a feeling of immense joy, its a feeling of immense sadness, its a feeling of wherwe they meet. I think one would probably find peace only if he feels boht extremes and thats what i feel.

Anger Unfolded & Engulfed

Today is no different from yesterday and probably no different from what it would be tomorrow. My head spins though today which was not happenin yesterday and it aches too thats the consequence of to much thibnking at times. Why lord do you give to me this unique gift of thought at times i wish i was a vergetable just without a thought blank for a second. Aah Freedom

Love, life, memmories, job , family. I dont want any of this at present i want nothing for the moment i want to block it all out yet , i somehow am getting pulled back into this swamp of misery, no matter much i run

Things havent changed, neither have the people around me, i think its me in this ever changing world either i have become stuck , or the whole world has.

Well im looking for solutions still, when will i get them i wonder.

Conclusions after 26years of being alive

Finally I have found peace, peace with myself , yes there are moments that life seems to be tumbling a bit to fast , but yet there are other times when everything around me is at peace everything is in harmony with itself.

Harmony
Harmony what a strange word normally we associate it with music or celestial harmony, that’s what we search for is it not. Where everything you do is in harmony with life itself, with everything around you. There is no discord at present just this sense that soon there will be discord and everything will break, but there is a equal chance that the harmony persists. The harmony is more important to me, I don’t want to fret or worry about when discord comes as I feel that fretting would cause me loss of this harmony much before the event actually occurs.

Attitude
That’s another thing I am developing in myself over these few years a very positive outlook. Sometimes I wonder if the bubble ever bursts what would happen would it break me the way it broke me before. Well I feel like the phoenix at present arising again from ashes to stay here forever.

Work
Work is strange at times and yet there are other times when works really my own, I mean the ownership is intense. Well it doesn’t seem strange to tell you the truth, I have come to the conclusion that probably being in a stagnant frame of mind, or rather state of emotion would be strange, the things that I love I do hate at times. Probably that’s me, and work is one of those aspects that I do love and hate at the same time. The sense of responsibility I feel towards my profession is overburdening at times and at times its just a part of me, so natural that I cant help it, Its just me.

Solitude
Well I have come to another conclusion in my life solitude at times is a killer and at others it’s a healer. At present its both, which again is strange but you know what its in harmony with me, reminds me of those days in Mumbai when I was in extreme peace with myself loving my solitude and at times running away from it into crowds of known people and at others running to unknown crowds just to intensify that feeling of solitude, it is beautiful.

Relationships
Yes this is a part that I love its about friends and kin, kin is a strange word a word gone out of use now though I think, but its such a beautiful word, my kin sounds good doesn’t it, sounds kind of like my kingdom, my people. Well most of my people are away from me and I am distancing myself from all of them, the truth is they are my people the people that ill carry somewhere inside of me throughout my life. My friends, my healers, my company, my companions, my joy. Its kind of strange that you at times take your kin for granted. Well this is just to let them know that they are all special to me somewhere which I might not express but they are all important to me, they are my beautiful past, they are my beautiful present and they will be my future too. They are me and I them. They are the ones that i would turn to when im happy , they are the ones id turn to when im sad they are the people who will always remain. I am there for you and you there for me and I know it.

Love
In what ways do I tell you how I love you, what ever I say would not be enough whatever I do would not be enough.
Love well its one of those things which actually ends up messing your life completely, complete chaos, completely irrational, yet the most agreeable, harmonious state to be in. What says you khalid bhai. Well I will take opinion from my friends who have felt it and whom I know feel it still and would feel it till eternity. That is true love rest all is infatuation that we pass through in our lives I have gone through a lot of things thinking them to be love, believing it so much that I actually wanted to make it love. Well love is something, which will not let you sleep, and yet it would give you the most vivid, beautiful dreamz ever. These are things that im learning as I pass through life. New experiences new thoughts, new feelings where were all of these for the past 26 years of my life. Everything at present seems to be quite pure and quite natural. I guess even lust seems such a pure thing when you are actually in love Its an intense hunger that you want never to end, It’s a hunger which feeds you, but it never gets satiated.

God
Well this one is a slightly controversial issue, my apologies to those whom I offend, just take it as a different point of view, Its how I see him/ her not how I want others to see. (I don’t really know whether he’s/she’s a he or a she, but for convenience I will use he.

Well he’s there for sure, looking thinking, messing up our lives at times and solving things for us at others. Its like this, he does test you but with every test he gives you he gives a learning, that you are suppose to take in by the end of it. He wants us to become like him, after all we are made in his image. He wants us to become all knowing, unfazed by all that happens around us. Its our failure entirely if we cant be like him , he’s trying, imagine his dismay when u loose faith because you think he’s being a bit to rough, well gods a difficult issue.

Well for one he is me and I him, its just that I don’t know it yet, its unconscious, I will find him one day till then all I have to do is just believe and then one day smack I will be enlightened and I will be a part of him. Well I wait when that happens I think it might be quite nice, till that time I will live my life with all its joys and problems’, knowing everything has a reason behind it. It’s his little game one day it will be mine too and then ill enjoy every bit of it; there will be no delusions and no illusions just joy.


Well I think ill end this one here other wise it will take u guys ages to read it and then u would know me a little bit more, So adios amigos enjoy and do let me know what’s your version of the above. What have you learnt?

Forests of solitude

Honesty has always been a value that I have honoured, I apologise to those that I have hurt by being honest, my apologies to myself at times.

Well today I tell you a story about a man, he was honest at heart but at times he just wouldn’t say a word because it bothered him to see people that he liked being hurt. He would bend to their whims at time just to please them, but with every thing that he chose to keep inside him he gained hatred. People would not even realise that the love or respect that he had felt for them at times was turning bitter with every forced bow that he made to them, or every step that he took away from his principles to please them. It could be felt it was shown but never talked about, the love did surface most of the times but with every step that he took away from himself he hated himself.

Sad the world didn’t live by his standards, sad that no one cared, sad that he chose to move away from his principles, sad he grew the way he grew. Sad the world didn’t understand him, sad he couldn’t love anyone because of the intense hatred that he had kept inside. One day he just blew, blew quietly though into the forests of solitude he ran to mend himself again piece by piece bit by bit. He swore he would never love anyone not even as a friend. But alas life takes a turn and the heart does flee. Is the story about to begin again?

My apologies to all that I have hurt, my apologies to myself. For whatever I do I think the place that I belong is the place where I began the forests of my own solitude.


Good night sweet darlings of the past good night sweet fairies, may the angle be with you as soon as he finds himself.