hi i think this blog has lost some of the anonimity that i sought with such great passion. . But anyway this is to inform all that are interested if any that the posts here might vanish im still in a dillema whether im really up for another blog or not , but then writing on this blog has become one of my addictions. I thnk i need to give up this for the moment. Im not really happy wi h the posts that iv had up for the last few days , i mean the are no brainers and quite miserable, i dont enjoy readin them anymore.I dont really enjoy reading them either. Iv losdt the passion im not sure but i think i just cant wrtie then for a bit.
Iv written for people on my blog, i v writeen about them , iv written about my love iv written about others, i hope i havbe done justice to those whom i wrote for.
Sometimes i wrote hoping that someone would read it, and sometimes hoping that they wouldnt. Sometimes i just wrtote for myself , but that was long time ago now i dont do that and i wanna get it back.
Its gonna be difficult to leave this blog Even the bloody color scheeme is mine i mean i feel an ownership for it. The posts here were well from the heart and thats the way it s been.I think this soundas too much like one of my farewell speeches. Dont worry im not goin im just gonna practice a bit more before i return.
Adios amigos
Friday, January 26, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
And I Wonder
Hello i tried clearing some of the mess in my life today , but to tell you the truth it dosent really help i feel even more messed . I tried getting in touch with peope who have to do my work, it didnt work out they all keep me on hold.I guess i have become similar too unless i get calls a few times i dont really move into action either. Strange wat you give out comes back doubled. And i wonder wat have i done.
OK this is just the beginig of another hopeless day actually they are strangely interesting , to be tied down to work but i somehow reach here every day i think it signifies my need to connect even if to the bloody web. Or maybe its the need to be heard. i wonder what i need.
This post too is a strange post it goes very well with the strange alientation that i feel with my emotions , frustrations, love hope and life. I feel as if i was just a passive observer or is it that i wish for that, or is it that i just imagine it. And i wonder.
Im wishing for miracles all the time but stragely eough not being able to make any miracles happen. It was this strange fear that i was so afraid of , and well its almost here. This was wat i wanted never to happen , that feeling of dread rises once in a while specially in the mornings to wake me up, and i get scared. its not a challenge anymore , its a challenge if its your own, but what happens if the ownership is gone before it even belongs to you. That feeling died not because of the monetary reasons but rather because of certain conversations with certain individuals. And I wonder how it could have been
Lifes filled with decisions, decisions to fight on, decisions to give up, decisions to choose a different path, decisions to exist decisions to live and finally the decision to die. And i wonder wat is mine. . .
OK this is just the beginig of another hopeless day actually they are strangely interesting , to be tied down to work but i somehow reach here every day i think it signifies my need to connect even if to the bloody web. Or maybe its the need to be heard. i wonder what i need.
This post too is a strange post it goes very well with the strange alientation that i feel with my emotions , frustrations, love hope and life. I feel as if i was just a passive observer or is it that i wish for that, or is it that i just imagine it. And i wonder.
Im wishing for miracles all the time but stragely eough not being able to make any miracles happen. It was this strange fear that i was so afraid of , and well its almost here. This was wat i wanted never to happen , that feeling of dread rises once in a while specially in the mornings to wake me up, and i get scared. its not a challenge anymore , its a challenge if its your own, but what happens if the ownership is gone before it even belongs to you. That feeling died not because of the monetary reasons but rather because of certain conversations with certain individuals. And I wonder how it could have been
Lifes filled with decisions, decisions to fight on, decisions to give up, decisions to choose a different path, decisions to exist decisions to live and finally the decision to die. And i wonder wat is mine. . .
Monday, January 22, 2007
the blogger community
hello this is going to be a quick one , its really strange how you come across these strange writings, well i guess all it took was from one tag in a blog to the other and this world opened up to me. Each individual as different from the other as probably grains of sand , atat the same time they have some thing in common their individual passions fore their blogs. For what they write , for what they are.
Its real fun to go from different styls some sarcastic , some factual and well some simply boring, i try to skip those ones. Every one here has an opinion a voice i like that, the best part i guess is there is no noise you can always skip that.
Ther are people like me who talk so much but dont really get anywhere , and well there are others who say little but express so much, there are opinions there are views, there are disclaimers and well almost everything. People fighting for issues people just plainly argung its all fun. Andf the best part of it is the h8umor it ios intense even in the darkest moments .
The whole purpose of this blog is to say onething thank you to all those who write and who read.
Its real fun to go from different styls some sarcastic , some factual and well some simply boring, i try to skip those ones. Every one here has an opinion a voice i like that, the best part i guess is there is no noise you can always skip that.
Ther are people like me who talk so much but dont really get anywhere , and well there are others who say little but express so much, there are opinions there are views, there are disclaimers and well almost everything. People fighting for issues people just plainly argung its all fun. Andf the best part of it is the h8umor it ios intense even in the darkest moments .
The whole purpose of this blog is to say onething thank you to all those who write and who read.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
when i stop asking questions consider me dead
Life they say comes to those who live it , and now i wonder wat comes to those whov lost interest in life. WEll to them comes not really death but i guess this feeling of dissatisfaction or maybe apathy mixed with indifference.
Man learns to adapt. In fact im learning to live here without many people. I think im learning a bit slow, but the initial shock or rather horror slowed me down now that iv begun i think ill get better. There are new shocks on every corner and new horrors, that sometimes makes the insides of your stomach spin to be coughed out in vile vomit. There are nights slept restless or not slept at all, and then there are nights lost in comple tired slumber. To be awakened by nothing to be touched by all.Thats the peace of mind that can be attained or rather the degradation of it all.
This is a strange stage in my metamorphosis , to a butterfly i wonder, or is it going to be a moth, what happens if its a regeression in evolution and i turn into a caterpilar. Well whatever happens will happen and so i move on. Whatever is controlled by me i control, whatever is in their control including me they do. The rebell in me is rising , the fury increasing but will I finally have the guts. One of my friends or raher his professor talked about it that life was kinda all about guts thats the thing that seperates people doing things they wanna do and ppl doing things other ppl want them to do. Well i wonder what ill become , or rather what i am at present too.
Questions and more , but then thats wat life is all about aint it. I said this once well that ud be dead when u stop thinking, askin questions , and a learned or rather a friend whom i considered to be learned had said well u start living when ur mind goes blank. I dont really know which one is true but i think id die when i stop asking questions
Or rather to put it in another way when i stop asking questions consider me dead.
Man learns to adapt. In fact im learning to live here without many people. I think im learning a bit slow, but the initial shock or rather horror slowed me down now that iv begun i think ill get better. There are new shocks on every corner and new horrors, that sometimes makes the insides of your stomach spin to be coughed out in vile vomit. There are nights slept restless or not slept at all, and then there are nights lost in comple tired slumber. To be awakened by nothing to be touched by all.Thats the peace of mind that can be attained or rather the degradation of it all.
This is a strange stage in my metamorphosis , to a butterfly i wonder, or is it going to be a moth, what happens if its a regeression in evolution and i turn into a caterpilar. Well whatever happens will happen and so i move on. Whatever is controlled by me i control, whatever is in their control including me they do. The rebell in me is rising , the fury increasing but will I finally have the guts. One of my friends or raher his professor talked about it that life was kinda all about guts thats the thing that seperates people doing things they wanna do and ppl doing things other ppl want them to do. Well i wonder what ill become , or rather what i am at present too.
Questions and more , but then thats wat life is all about aint it. I said this once well that ud be dead when u stop thinking, askin questions , and a learned or rather a friend whom i considered to be learned had said well u start living when ur mind goes blank. I dont really know which one is true but i think id die when i stop asking questions
Or rather to put it in another way when i stop asking questions consider me dead.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
What a day
What a day, how many times have u said this, well if not you then how many times have u heard me say this. Well there are days which are killers , when u come back in the evening the only thing that is on ur mind is BED , well to sleep on u fool.
Ok so what really is the composition of such a day let us examine in detail.
It all started actually in the morning maybe even the night before , a decision to work till I broke my balls, well I think if I sat on that damn bike for any longer I would have lost them for sure.
Ok Ok think like always iv gotten a bit ahead of myself here. So how did it all begin well with the morning sun, u wake up and all you want to do is sleep for a bit more. But then you drag yourself out of bed after about three snoozez on an average id say. Ok so ur up and u gotta bathe, alrite u finally decide to bathe, but the bloody waters so cold u don't really wanna enter, finally u decide that staring at the water wont really warm it up, so u gather ur courage and what happens the bloody loos occupied, so u say ok that's alrite but its occupied by a dude who's singing lewd songs to the tune of his farts. Finally u get to use the loo, that is after u regain conscious from faintin after entering the bloody loo. The waters still cold. With parts of you shriveling up into nothingness, U come out half shivering. Ah the day has begun and ur late but then its just by half an hour that's something manageable u say , specially after livin in India u realize that time is not really that important.
So u reach the office have ur coffee , which is either too strong , too weak, too hot or too cold or in the compatible combinations of the same. Now u realize that you have got everything ready all u have to do is pick them up, u do that and u leave for the field, some 35 km away to be taken on a bike not ridden by u. Well its alrite its morning ur ready to face the world.
Well then suddenly ur boss calls , and asks you are u really gonna reach that impossible target and u say probably not, so the boss tells u well don't worry its just a stupid joke we were playin to make ur life miserable. We never thought it was possible any ways we might as well get it over with and call u to a place where ull be worth something. So u really wonder if that's good or bad, and suddenly u don't really feel like going to the field that u were so enthu about two minutes before. Well shit happens and u still gotta continue.
So before you really realize which one is the sick joke him having sent u here or him having called u,u realize that u have already traveled the 35 km on a hard bike seat with dust in ur face and the worst was that ur mouth was open all the way. So u gargle a bit and say lets work.
That is when it dawns on u that in the hurry to get out u missed out a bit of the info u were suppose to carry with u . Well no probs luckily u have a backup plan . So u visit ur first potential client, he refuses to see you, the second same answer the third hes buisy don't worry u can talk to him later luckily u come out with his contact info, not necessary that he will actually pick up the phone. Well till now three gone well I would say no real success. Well that is the time that u start wondering y u really were born.
Ok so u had three strikes but don't worry the last ball was a foul so u bat on, fourth client , warm reception a little hot too, not bad its getting warmer , that's when he decides that you are the right candidate with the right service, but he doesn't really require your services at present. Well the feeling is confused was that a victory or did u just get spanked on the butt. Well u basically get the drift after about three warm receptions and as many cold ones, and a sad meal in the middle of it you realize that the days over and all that's left to do is to get back . Well but then u have bloody traveled 70 km and u wanna see thatlast client u know its a bit late, but that last shot, u know its ur last shot coz ur energy's sapped, and guess what he cant see u Ur late, bloody bugger.
Then begins ur journey back and once again u let ur mind wanders once again to the conversations in the mornin and you wonder shit i wanna get out of this place , shit i think I just lost the game, shit I wanna fight this battle , and then u realize that that's what you have been doing throughout the day. AAAh wat a trying day, u were fighting the demons u wanted it so badly sad enough the other guys dont really understand it, you might get the project or you might not but u surely wont get it immediately. And that's the time that u ask urself y u were born once again.
So ur finally back the jounrney back home has been tyring, the dust felt thicker the insects bigger as they rammed their crazy bodies into u while ur riding at good speeds. The lights are too bright and the noise too much, you have had your fill. All u wanna do is to reach into that private space inside you, to ur secret world to write to write it all out, and so you come back to office tell them u wanna check some mail, type ur heart out and everything is ready all u gotta do is post it and that is exactly the time the power fails and all ur works blown to bits. And u wonder if god always had such a good sense of humor, how come ur not laughing.
So u call it a day and all u wanna do is hit the bloody BED. WEll dont worry thats when the spirit rises again the spirit to live, to survive to excel, and u get down at the cyber cafe, and a piece like this is born. Not necessarily good but atleast a piece of you. And your ready to fight another day, and take all the jokes they throw at u. You are ready to live again , u are alive.
AAAHHH I am alive I can feel every muscle in my body specially my gluteous maximus, and sitting on this chair hasn't been very great either , but then some days are good and this is one of them. Adios amigos im goin for a cup of coffee.
Ok so what really is the composition of such a day let us examine in detail.
It all started actually in the morning maybe even the night before , a decision to work till I broke my balls, well I think if I sat on that damn bike for any longer I would have lost them for sure.
Ok Ok think like always iv gotten a bit ahead of myself here. So how did it all begin well with the morning sun, u wake up and all you want to do is sleep for a bit more. But then you drag yourself out of bed after about three snoozez on an average id say. Ok so ur up and u gotta bathe, alrite u finally decide to bathe, but the bloody waters so cold u don't really wanna enter, finally u decide that staring at the water wont really warm it up, so u gather ur courage and what happens the bloody loos occupied, so u say ok that's alrite but its occupied by a dude who's singing lewd songs to the tune of his farts. Finally u get to use the loo, that is after u regain conscious from faintin after entering the bloody loo. The waters still cold. With parts of you shriveling up into nothingness, U come out half shivering. Ah the day has begun and ur late but then its just by half an hour that's something manageable u say , specially after livin in India u realize that time is not really that important.
So u reach the office have ur coffee , which is either too strong , too weak, too hot or too cold or in the compatible combinations of the same. Now u realize that you have got everything ready all u have to do is pick them up, u do that and u leave for the field, some 35 km away to be taken on a bike not ridden by u. Well its alrite its morning ur ready to face the world.
Well then suddenly ur boss calls , and asks you are u really gonna reach that impossible target and u say probably not, so the boss tells u well don't worry its just a stupid joke we were playin to make ur life miserable. We never thought it was possible any ways we might as well get it over with and call u to a place where ull be worth something. So u really wonder if that's good or bad, and suddenly u don't really feel like going to the field that u were so enthu about two minutes before. Well shit happens and u still gotta continue.
So before you really realize which one is the sick joke him having sent u here or him having called u,u realize that u have already traveled the 35 km on a hard bike seat with dust in ur face and the worst was that ur mouth was open all the way. So u gargle a bit and say lets work.
That is when it dawns on u that in the hurry to get out u missed out a bit of the info u were suppose to carry with u . Well no probs luckily u have a backup plan . So u visit ur first potential client, he refuses to see you, the second same answer the third hes buisy don't worry u can talk to him later luckily u come out with his contact info, not necessary that he will actually pick up the phone. Well till now three gone well I would say no real success. Well that is the time that u start wondering y u really were born.
Ok so u had three strikes but don't worry the last ball was a foul so u bat on, fourth client , warm reception a little hot too, not bad its getting warmer , that's when he decides that you are the right candidate with the right service, but he doesn't really require your services at present. Well the feeling is confused was that a victory or did u just get spanked on the butt. Well u basically get the drift after about three warm receptions and as many cold ones, and a sad meal in the middle of it you realize that the days over and all that's left to do is to get back . Well but then u have bloody traveled 70 km and u wanna see thatlast client u know its a bit late, but that last shot, u know its ur last shot coz ur energy's sapped, and guess what he cant see u Ur late, bloody bugger.
Then begins ur journey back and once again u let ur mind wanders once again to the conversations in the mornin and you wonder shit i wanna get out of this place , shit i think I just lost the game, shit I wanna fight this battle , and then u realize that that's what you have been doing throughout the day. AAAh wat a trying day, u were fighting the demons u wanted it so badly sad enough the other guys dont really understand it, you might get the project or you might not but u surely wont get it immediately. And that's the time that u ask urself y u were born once again.
So ur finally back the jounrney back home has been tyring, the dust felt thicker the insects bigger as they rammed their crazy bodies into u while ur riding at good speeds. The lights are too bright and the noise too much, you have had your fill. All u wanna do is to reach into that private space inside you, to ur secret world to write to write it all out, and so you come back to office tell them u wanna check some mail, type ur heart out and everything is ready all u gotta do is post it and that is exactly the time the power fails and all ur works blown to bits. And u wonder if god always had such a good sense of humor, how come ur not laughing.
So u call it a day and all u wanna do is hit the bloody BED. WEll dont worry thats when the spirit rises again the spirit to live, to survive to excel, and u get down at the cyber cafe, and a piece like this is born. Not necessarily good but atleast a piece of you. And your ready to fight another day, and take all the jokes they throw at u. You are ready to live again , u are alive.
AAAHHH I am alive I can feel every muscle in my body specially my gluteous maximus, and sitting on this chair hasn't been very great either , but then some days are good and this is one of them. Adios amigos im goin for a cup of coffee.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Well id written this really big and deep post and well it just vanished it was about poetry, masturbation and pleasure and well also bout ghaspooscurry, well its gone now and well i really cant type it out again it was a thought process. and now well its over.
This one is about imaginary pleasures, well i would define it as the pleasure that one gets from living in a dillusionary/ illusionary ( Whichever u prefer) world. and which you fear would not exist when you really reach there/ get there./ get it him/her. Well which actually most of the times is correct, as the world has this real fun way of somehow kicking you in the ass. Well any way this imaginary pleasure has this strange quality of really not being present , imaginary as u can see well imagine, well whatever is really not real.
Well im really getting my kicks out of this one aint i.
So when one suffers from this horrendous disease he / she would be found lounging around doing absolutely nothig, or rather doing things buit with a real dumb expression on his/ her face. There are loads of chances of people making mistakes , dropping things and general clumsiness. But then you know what its an imaginary disease so you really dont have to worry too much about it.
When u suffer from such disorders all u have to do is to meet the friendly neighbourhood psychiatrist as soon as possible. And well if u ike being there all u have to do is call ur crazy friend who would refurbish ur daydreams with new exotric ideas and images
Good day to you all
Your crazy friend.
This one is about imaginary pleasures, well i would define it as the pleasure that one gets from living in a dillusionary/ illusionary ( Whichever u prefer) world. and which you fear would not exist when you really reach there/ get there./ get it him/her. Well which actually most of the times is correct, as the world has this real fun way of somehow kicking you in the ass. Well any way this imaginary pleasure has this strange quality of really not being present , imaginary as u can see well imagine, well whatever is really not real.
Well im really getting my kicks out of this one aint i.
So when one suffers from this horrendous disease he / she would be found lounging around doing absolutely nothig, or rather doing things buit with a real dumb expression on his/ her face. There are loads of chances of people making mistakes , dropping things and general clumsiness. But then you know what its an imaginary disease so you really dont have to worry too much about it.
When u suffer from such disorders all u have to do is to meet the friendly neighbourhood psychiatrist as soon as possible. And well if u ike being there all u have to do is call ur crazy friend who would refurbish ur daydreams with new exotric ideas and images
Good day to you all
Your crazy friend.
Monday, January 01, 2007
horse shit ( Do not read)
All right i have been one avid worker bee havnt i, i mean after every little thing i come back again to write some more, at times the writings come in front of you at others they stayed burried , burried in the hard disk of my little computer. Where they shall remain.
Strange i mean the way that i write the patterns been absolutely miserable, i mean yes the readings are fun at times but mostly its all horse crap isnt it , and that too so bloody repitative. Well they told me you are your own best critic well now i know what they were talking about. But then there was this friend of mine long ago it feels now lost in the gaps of space and time, well he was a good critic of himself he never went on to write a thing on the bloody blog of his, he was too critical a critic probably. Well it could happen to me too, but dont worry at times i really cant tell the difference between horse crap and gold.
well wat is evident from this little piece of excellent comminication, well that though i have talked all bout it before i finally am taking stock, and well not really coming out with much i think this is gointg to be one of those real quick tasks as theres nothing much to really talk about. I havent fought any battle and i havnt claimend any laurels , i havnt discovered any land and i havent had any adventure. Well isnt that the life of almost everyone. But then every day somehow seems to have been a battle and every task an adventure , small ones the ones that add spice to life , well so i fight on and write it down while u continue to read this horse crap all over again to make some sense out of it.
Strange i mean the way that i write the patterns been absolutely miserable, i mean yes the readings are fun at times but mostly its all horse crap isnt it , and that too so bloody repitative. Well they told me you are your own best critic well now i know what they were talking about. But then there was this friend of mine long ago it feels now lost in the gaps of space and time, well he was a good critic of himself he never went on to write a thing on the bloody blog of his, he was too critical a critic probably. Well it could happen to me too, but dont worry at times i really cant tell the difference between horse crap and gold.
well wat is evident from this little piece of excellent comminication, well that though i have talked all bout it before i finally am taking stock, and well not really coming out with much i think this is gointg to be one of those real quick tasks as theres nothing much to really talk about. I havent fought any battle and i havnt claimend any laurels , i havnt discovered any land and i havent had any adventure. Well isnt that the life of almost everyone. But then every day somehow seems to have been a battle and every task an adventure , small ones the ones that add spice to life , well so i fight on and write it down while u continue to read this horse crap all over again to make some sense out of it.
Really shitty poem now that i read it.
Fait is a weird thing it really shows you stars, and then it drowns you in misery , you should have known it from the start. Wat could i do it was not in my hands wat could she do i was not in her plans. It just happened one day looking at the stars, and so i look no more. I look no more for her or for the stars, i look for myself now but that too is lost . WEll thats bout it.
the beauty was never lost, we just had made a start, the memory is still fresh it was in the past, to move on my mind says to hold on says my heart. Whom do i listen to well we must be apart.
god i miss her i miss her in the morning , i miss her in the night , i miss her every second that i have seen light. I miss her in the darkeness , i miss her in the rain, but its better that way atleast there is pain, indifference is killing is it mine or hers, well its not really infdifference is it al there is is a curse.
The choice was ours and we have taken it , we are both being strong we wait in misery to see to whom we really belong. Atleast she has god i have lost my faith . Wat stupdity wat ill fait. Well it was beautiful wasnt it while it lasted, well it still is beautifull, but my insides get blasted, i long for her touch that skin under my hand, i long for that embrace the warmth of the sun , i long for that kiss the fountain of life. I long for her , well everything.
the beauty was never lost, we just had made a start, the memory is still fresh it was in the past, to move on my mind says to hold on says my heart. Whom do i listen to well we must be apart.
god i miss her i miss her in the morning , i miss her in the night , i miss her every second that i have seen light. I miss her in the darkeness , i miss her in the rain, but its better that way atleast there is pain, indifference is killing is it mine or hers, well its not really infdifference is it al there is is a curse.
The choice was ours and we have taken it , we are both being strong we wait in misery to see to whom we really belong. Atleast she has god i have lost my faith . Wat stupdity wat ill fait. Well it was beautiful wasnt it while it lasted, well it still is beautifull, but my insides get blasted, i long for her touch that skin under my hand, i long for that embrace the warmth of the sun , i long for that kiss the fountain of life. I long for her , well everything.
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