ANGER - RESTLESS - Indifferent

Im feeling quite miserable today, it might be the weather, or it might be that i haven't really gone out at all , well did for a smoke but not too sure if id count that. The frustration is actually pent up frustration from the time i had last posted , i thought id sort out life a bit but i just seem to get tangled in it more and more.

Well im just gonna crib and rant here so leave if you want to

1) im frustrated at having to listen to stupidity for the sake of the source its coming from
2) im frustrated of having to think before spending any cash , and more so at myself for not thinking anything before i spend.
3) im tired of living someone else's life in someone else's house on someone else's terms.
4) im sad about not being in love, im sadder about not believing in it.
5)im tired of not having control over that tv remote
6) im sad about the loss of my ability to enjoy drunken night out without going on a guilt trip the next day
7)im tired of having to think how life will turn out
8)Im tired of feeling aimless
9) im tired of that pestering feeling that i need an aim.
10) im tired of being scared and im tired of being brave
11) im tired of hope and im tired of failure again and again
12) im sad about my inability to take life light and im tired of my unability to take it seriously
13)im tired of running away from responsibility and yet not being able to cut the ties that tie me to them
14) im sad about my giddy indecision , being blown in every direction with each thrust of reason or opportunity
15)im tired of this post

The author is re- assessing life's progress please wait

Hi fellows this is just to let you know that im alive and doing good, sorry for the silence for the past two weeks or so, i know i haven't really lived up-to my promise of a weekly post and even this post can barely be counted.

My excuse this time is that life's a bit tumultuous, actually its monotonous, its just that my souls a bit jaded and confused as usual, but the good news seems to be that its trying to fight its way out of lethargy and fucktardism. Yeah thats a word i just create ill probably go more in detail about that some other time.

Basically my systems trying to map my progress and self worth at present,and trying to establish some sort of a strategy to get me moving. Well or maybe im just trying to install all the upgrades that were pending. So in the words of the great womaniser and even greater politician and actor - ILL BE BACK - after re-assessign life.

Random - GOD and all

Its not like i don't believe in god or something its just that i don't feel a need to proclaim it after every two seconds. Well at times i doubt even whether i believe in him, but yes there is something deep inside something that reverts back to this basic entity. This entity who you can have a conversation with at times, whom you can get pissed at and maybe even curse when things go wrong, and probably then pray to for things to be better and finally whom you can thank once things work out. Its good to believe not necessary but yet quite comforting for those who choose to take their solace in it.

Whats really surprising is how there are some places that you can associate with this supreme entity , or your own creation. People in India very strongly believe in placing their gods in temples and tying themselves to these places of worship. For me probably the easiest way to communicate with him is by going on long walks , thats probably because i don't really believe in conventional god, or maybe i do. But basically what i mean to say is i quite like the idea of having these random conversations with him or maybe a part of myself while im on a walk. Though thats not the only place where i have found God , at various periods in my life i have found my god in some conventional places of worship.

There was the Krishna temple in Manipal, it use to be peaceful, thats the only thing i can remember of it, i had my own little ritual that i use to do, Would i have gone there on my own probably not , i was influenced to go there but in the end i do believe that a bit of my god did reside there. It was amazing.

Then there was Tirupati , i mean that idol itself has some magic, of course all the other rituals associated with gaining entry to it is amazingly anal, but yes i think once you reach that idol its all worth it . But honestly i don't see my god there, i can if i want to but i don't think id want it.

There is this nice small temple at home too , its a nice tempe with open spaces, loads of monkeys , i use to go there quite frequently with my parents when i was young, though again i haven't visited it of my own free will for ages. But yes i could see my god there.

There was a church in Hyderabad , this really nice church , the sermons and hyms were tedious at times but the church was really nice , it was again a place where i could find my god quite easily.

That was a really random post, just thought of it while i read someones profile, its surprising how many people need to proclaim there faith in god in random conversations, in profiles of all things they do , i really don't get it, but i guess today was my day to do the same to you .

Confessions - write maybe i could but rhyme i definitely cant

Its kind of strange how life takes you on weird journeys through nooks and crannies through wanted and unwanted experiences, and yet there is some sort of a lesson involved , some sort of a take back from it all. Sadly enough for me i cant quite remember to save my life what it is that i should have learnt so far.

But anyways this post is not about learnings from life or the lack of it, i was walking to work this morning, i now work for a video production company, or rather we pretend to be one when there is work , other times we are almost anything and everything and mostly absolutely worthless and useless though never without conversation . Hopefully we will get some work in soon , cause otherwise there is no money coming in and ill have to pack my bags and leave and live off my dad, as if i wasn't at present. Im scared at some level to take that step because of its finality , thats my last excuse, my last hope , ill go back to india and get a good job, but what if ?

Well lets skip this too because its not the future that i want to talk about either, not this one maybe an alternate future, maybe just a dream, or maybe just a crazy short lived infatuation , a distraction that i so often suffer from. So i was walking to work a good 20 minute walk on a cold winter morning and a thought struck me , what if i was to write an autobiography of my life so far , where would i begin it from, what could make it interesting , what if it wasn't exactly factual , what if it was , would it be an interesting read, will I be happy to explore those minute contours of my own thought, Im not even sure if it will be interesting enough. Anyways i started piecing it , sectioning it deciding what i will write immediately, i reached work really excited and then i got distracted be existentiality

I believe if written well even bull shit can be made palatable and sometimes even desirable. But then the thought that rises in my head is something that i have read in Ayn Rand The fountainhead , i cant quite remember the exact words , but basically they are made by the chief antagonist Elseworth Toohey and their essence is something like this , his aim is to promote complete crap in the name of art and creativity just so that people loose their judgement of what is good and what is bad. Where art looses its value itself because every shite thats hyped is considered good and talent is not ranked on its merit, well exactly what the x factor is to music today , or the idol shows running back home. And then he goes on to say that he's encouraging this dentist to write his autobiography even though he's had the dullest life ever and there is not even one iota of excitement or moments that could be interesting in his life. I fear i might be falling into that trap, but anyways im certain i want to write.

i have always wanted to be an author, well maybe not always, but i think i did want to be one , i wanted to do english literature after high school , somehow did my bachelors in occupational therapy, and then i just got distracted, till i wrote the book for stinks, it wasn't the best of books it wasn't the most interesting but it was special in its own way.I think if this blog wasnt there i wouldn't have considered this, and maybe its still an idea which will get nipped in its bud, but atleast im thinking of it. Initially i thought this blog could very well be that book , but then i wanna milk it for some money , just write one book but make some money of it, thats the initial dream or i could do a series and make a loot. Well i think i just got carried away with that that too far didn't i . But im an exhibitionist, well mabe an anonymous exhibitionist, i like it when people read this blog , i like it when someone leaves a comment , and id love to see how many people would actually pay money to read me.

But thats that so its out , too many things are being put into the open in recent times but i guess im learning to be a bit more open. I want to be a writer , i don't know if ill be a good one, i don't care if im not , but id like to give it a shot, hopefully i will be able to sustain this dream .


Hey by the way i wrote an intro for this website im working on for the company , its suppose to rhyme it doesn't always anyways here it is , do try to read it in rhyme.


A music video agency in Shoreditch
We love our tea and biscuits
We have grand ambition
In music video, graphics and motion

Music videos & photography is our passion
Pictures culture and fashion
We love to tell a story
With music rhythm and glory

Combining experience with innovation
We delve in artistic creation
Giving work which is in zeitgeist
Hell yeah we are not just good we are the best

Design, branding and picture
Got our juices in the mixture
We also do artist promotion
Let’s get those wheels in motion

Being creative is no crime
Our work is pure sublime
We shout with no hesitation
On budget, on time and beyond expectation


write maybe i could but rhyme i definitely cant (please do consider this was conceptualised over a cup of coffee in under 20 minutes)

ON VACATION

The break in time and space, every few months and every Diwali for sure, thats been ever since i have been in the UK there is this sudden disturbance in existentially which for a period ranging from 2 - 5 days completely distorts my time and space orientation. For this period of time i go into a cocoon in convalesce for all the injustice and injuries suffered in day to day existence, surrounded by family and bound by no schedule life just flows by smooth as silk . Long walks around country roads and green pastures suddenly seems to be my prime vocation and of course watching a good dose of some absolutely crap hindi television. ( to be read as bigg Bosss).

Im on such a journey at present and will be back when my sense of time returns till that time its difficult to write.

Are you prepared for failure

I write with courage borrowed from a strangers quill,
i write with ink thats of a colour alien to me
I raise a question which i might not be prepared to answer myself
Not for it being an unknown entity but rather because its something iv known to well.

Are you prepared for failure, is failure truly a stepping stone to success, or is this a prayer for the meek that every second hander kneels to or says his internal amen to. Well it is an interesting question and evidence shows that success, real success in terms of greatness has come to those that have failed at some point in time, be it Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein. But does failure have to be a part of ones legacy, a predisposing component of a successful gene. The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, well maybe its not.

Heres my opinion if it be of any value, i do not believe that failure is the key to success, nor is it preparedness for failure but rather it is the ability to accept failure, to learn its lesson and to move on. I cant really say , what make you accept failure, i cant even say say what prevents you from using the very statement as a shield against the world, or more importantly as a shield against your own consciousness. All i can say is that iv seen it done , if heard it preached though in texts from an age gone by

I don't mean that you sabotage your own plans to create failure just to prove that you are not afraid of failing, but i also say don't hide behind this bravado your half hearted attempts at success and mediocre aspirations. Be honest in your attempt and be true to your cause, but don't let failure be the last point of your journey. Dont let failure take control of your very actions, don't let fear of failure paralyse you into inactivity, aspirations get trimmed at the edges to fit within the box of your fears, let go of the fears and let the aspirations fly.

But this is all quite easily said but so difficult to follow, i know for i live in a world where failure is death. Its a war the heart against the mind, or maybe just the mind against the mind, rationality agains embedded value systems. Being an indian from a simple middle class family iv always lived in the belief of performance as being the ultimate goal. Competition , aspirations , achievement, seem to have been repeated so many times that they form a natural environment to be in. Its fairly easy for me to say that i am enlightened and that i move above it , but honestly every time i have claimed that i wasn't competing wasn't because i wasn't but rather because i wanted to lay the ground for failure. Iv never really had the courage to accept that .


So in conclusion I dont know how to be less afraid of failure , i know that there is a thin line between being able to accept failure and preparing for failure , and the latter is a sure shot trap for the self. But atleast im happy that i know where i stand , atleast im happy that i have accepted what i have and that i can see what i aspire to achieve from this someday. Till then let it be baby steps , let the risks be small till im prepared not for failure but rather for success.

lives we didnt live

This is going to be a quick post and this is to lives that we keep on hold at times to accommodate for lives that we live. Its strange how much change an individual can undergo. The gambler throws his dice for the last time and lives a risk free life. The angry bullish teen of yesteryears who'd throw a fist at the drop of a hat now learns the calm of a monk . Well may be not that perfect the anger still exists somewhere hidden inside.

What I mean is that can one individual change so much for what ever reason it may be, I take pride in what i am and who i am , yet am i willing to change if its required of me.I might be wrong but I think it takes courage to be that man, i think its easier to stay true to your character, its easier to remain firm, but its really difficult to care enough for someone or something to make that change. It takes courage to walk on unfamiliar grounds, to leave routine responses and to be the man/ woman thats required.

I have met people who have made changes to their very being for moments of time , so altered they are that as friends you need to search for newer common grounds of comfort. But is it a permanent change or repression.Are there certain traits that just cant be changed, do we sometimes live a lie just so the the status quo is not altered and do we believe in that lie with enough conviction so as to fool even our conscious. Are certain ways of being etched in our systems from birth or maybe through our early learning which can just be repressed , or maybe forgotten for some moments of time,

Change for me has always been a forced entity , a response to survive or to run away from boredom, however i think i see patterns of progression and regression along this path of change , and then i wonder is it regression to instinctual ways of being or do i progress to them. And then it makes me further question what was the real me the one that existed in the moment before the change or the one thats post it because the changes themselves seem quite repetitive. So while i keep one life on hold to create another one i wonder which life is real,

Thats a sure mess isn't it , well think about it and if you have some answers do let me know

How a Russian taught me to be patient and FB bullied its way in

Iv just been wondering over the past few days what life's turned out to be and what it was some years ago. No this is not going to be a post about reminiscence or glories of the past. As Ozzy says
"Don't tell me stories, cause yesterdays glories
have gone away, so far away"

Well so here goes life's been tough im working my ass off for below par wages. Though to be honest im happy , i see an opportunity and well its up to me how i make it or break it , at least i control it. And it does feel good to get those Neurons working again and i can almost feel the fat in my brain melt. I am not the only one facing this, in conversation with my Russian friend with really long pretty legs (whos broke like me) she in her thick Russian accent "Shash its good to see the bad times, its important to see the bad times , then only you value the good times." Me "fuck off id rather have the good times all the time and be indifferent" well maybe not not really how the conversation went. Im a really nice person unless you have just woken me up or have found me in a really bad mood , so i (plus this is a pretty girl) " yes completely , we will get over it and when you make that money you can take me out for dinner to a nice place." (MOOCHER well to be hones she bums ciggs from me and here thats like gold dust )

So here goes ozzy again
"Iv heard it said, theres a light up ahead
Lord i hope and pray , that im here to stay"

Just in case you thought i was desperate to stay here thats not it, what i meant through ozzy was that i stay in this world long enough to see that light , to see those good times.

Ok so thats that I was thinking of writing this post for a bit now , but then procrastination .......well ill probably write the rest later.

.... Just kidding ..........though messes me up more often than i like (for someone called procrastination its an active lil bugger ain't it ) . Well so anyway as i reclined down to type this in i was having an entirely different conversation with myself but some how i had this conversation somewhere in the convoluted recesses of my mind, and it just resurfaced .

So coming to the other thought i was just going through Face Book the lifeline of many , the very soul and blood of many a techie, socialite, teen, anyone. Its funny how people all of a sudden have so much to say , so much to share and that too with random acquaintances and some strangers too depending on how tightly you monitor your friends requests.

I mean random people sharing pictures, commenting on pictures, making statements giving opinions so on and so forth. I can understand that there could be a certain need and internal desire for attention (after all i do keep this blog open to public and quite enjoy getting a new hit) , or simply need a safety valve for emotions , like when ur happy or your angry or even excited about something. But giving out Gyaan in bite sized chewable pieces, where does that come from ,is that an inborn thing , do certain people have that one FB gene in them. I don't know , but i just want to understand.

Its also a generational thing iv seen people younger than me ( sadly that statement is becoming more relevant and is being used more often nowadays) adapting to it and adopting it much better. They can find things to say , i simply don't have much to say on FB unless its really something i appreciate or that moves me. I mean id still rather say a hi on IM or over the phone then on FB. Yes its convenient but its so damn open .

From a business point of view i completely understand the relevance of social media , its like showcasing your knowledge your skills your products and connecting with your community , i can so get that but on a personal level i think i just cant get why and how people have as much to say as they have. Anyway thats that on FB.

I know that was quite random but it was something that was just there

As i type this in its almost three , its time to hit the sac, so good bye , and have a great weekend. Ill try and post something in every week , its not a promise to you or myself but ill try .


Just for you heres the Lyrics of the first verse and chorus to the song , if you want more go get it yourself.

Standing on the crossroads, world spinning round and round
Know which way I'm going, you can't bring me down
Don't you try and teach me no original sin
I don't need your pity for the shape I'm in

I don't wanna change the world
I don't want the world to change me
I don't want to change the world
I don't want the world to change me

Nice isn't it

its not wrong its just different.

Iv been meaning to write for the past two days , they have been moments of restlessness, not that anything has changed dramatically its just that sometimes my very being tends to go into these states of restless reflection , not just bout self but everything around me . Its not like judgements , or me forming a particular impression of a thing , event or emotion, its just that i like having a purely intellectual and well sometimes completely nonsensical debate and honestly it tends to leave me more confused and sometimes indifferent rather than clearer of thought .

Well so here is a cascade of how thoughts have flown. In office, teams expanding creatives are in a sense a feel of movement. If you are unaware im working with a startup , well lets call it that cos its actually reenergising of a startup in video production. So basically the thoughts are around the future , the pros and cons of work but they oscillate between figuring out what will work and what wont , where i am within it all . Its difficult because i am not completely in charge , its difficult because even if i was i wouldn't have been certain of what would work. So its almost like a constant battle of finding myself within the organisation , there are good days and bad, i think there has been a positive movement with the team though it feels so much better , its surprising how easily you can consider yourself to be moving just by getting a few people in, though in actuality you are quite uncertain as to how you would fuel that momentum. I have over a period of time doubted the values of my employers , im not in sync with some of them , but i can understand how it is and why its being done , its interesting its like being in a catch 22 , i don't think its wrong but its not something id agree with its just different.

Life's been good in the recent past, loads of socialising, not necessarily with friends , well some friends some acquaintances, some relatives and loads of strangers, i think the strangers and the acquaintances are the fun bit of it. Friends sometimes are too comfortable to be around. Well its funny how things change anyways i recently attended a party / BBQ with 5 couples and 4 babies and as said by Karan in a recent blog of hers pheromones were in the air , i came back well it could be because of that or maybe a beer hangover , but i came back restless. there was no attraction , or thought at the BBQ i was in the moment and was having great fun , but i came back so alone that its not funny. I ended up having to go for a walk just to sort myself out cos i couldn't be in a room with my family while my brain was buzzing , i couldn't be confined , it might not have been people i just dint want to be in a room. Its strange how your brain works i walked and i thought , was listening to me Ipod , and the songs that i have a conscious memory of , which changed my mood were in this sequence, Desperado - eagles followed by take it easy - Eagles and Nothing else matters - Metallica . Says loads about my playlist doesn't it , but somehow the songs were answers to some questions in my head. Again that feeling of loneliness , of claustrophobia wasn't right or wrong it probably has a place somewhere but it was different from how iv felt about it before.

Anyways that brings me to relations. In my office there are two blokes, UK born of african origin , its the way they talk they are both married , or were both have kids , one of them is separated and in a relationship with a woman 2/3 his age, the others status i am not sure of but is with one woman companion, its just the way they talk about their relationship it seems so temporary and on the move. I think thats a culture shock still , i mean no matter how progressive i may pretend to be , but internally the pedestal that i place relationships on is different, i mean yes there are one night stands, and there is love or the illusion of being in it , but i mean atleast for some bit you put an effort to make things work , you think of it as something that will last , but here the outlook is of seeing it as temporary right from the beginning . Its not like i haven't seen people getting divorces in India or moving on , or even cheating on their wives on the sly , but i haven't seen this thought process or this way of perceiving relationships. Again im not certain if it s wrong or right its just different.

Lucid dream

Dark night , beauty resides within thy cloak
Dark night filled with sorrow and joy of a previous life
Breezed through on wings of reminiscence ,
No detours for me ill take on the entire road
Journeys through familiar terrain of light and shadows
A kaleidoscope, a burst of colours then hues of grey and white
Dancing shimmering light making patterns in the recesses of my mind
Some making sense others absolute mysteries.
But then everything doesn't need to be compartmentalised and stacked neatly in piles
Not yet at-least somethings are better when they are left scattered.

Constant heaves, of anguish and pleasure
Let me dive deeper, let me dwell in that moment for a while
I feel my breath , leaving me hollow, hollow for the light to fill in
The light from your scented breath, from the sunshine trapped in your hair
Stop time let me be , but then the notion of time itself is distorted here
I move on to friends and folks ,to live with them in the comfort of my skin
No pretence required , no masquerades to play
Comforts cosy , but then its difficult to stay
So I move on to my solitude , to my soul
Dear friend he tells me listen in once in a while and then my very being smiles

Unconscious yet more alive then I have ever been
I long for the milk of poppy ,for this endless dream
But then a thought in conception , a stroke in motion stopped
Caught in the glaring headlights of fate, a sudden push to reality's embrace
The dreams broken and and the panoramas fades into existence
Shattered and bruised and refreshed by my sleep
I wake longing for that lucid dream
And so I move on, living this life for the beauty that I know resides
In those leaps of faith and distortions of reality
In that unconscious loss of sense and sobriety

I dream a dream , in haze it exists but then in the end so does reality.

I know that somehow this post is incomplete, there are bits and pieces missing from it , verses, thoughts , ideas, but then thats all that I have to say for it at present, if someday the dream resurfaces the post might be completed .

Love

Its kind of funny how we flow in and out of love, partners change and feelings flee. Sometimes even everlasting promises of faith and commitment are broken. But its not all doom and gloom some loves last some stay on . In the end i think theres no love its basically a compromise either ways there is always a compromise, but then compromise is not bad.

Right so why so much talk of love , well as iv mentioned before i was reading my blog over the years , i think the most exciting period was 2006 and probably late 2006 , thats the time when the posts were fiery , emotional and highly erratic. Yes it was the time that i was in love . Maybe it was the time that i lost faith in love but none the less. I think there are two pieces missing from there , i had tried posting them before but somehow lost heart and thought they were too personal to display, and they are but then i lost the pieces and had to retrieve them from an old mail inbox, i dont want to loose them again and so i put them up here. Also now they are not as personal as they were, i have bared my soul here before so here goes. The two pieces are the two sides of love that i have felt

The beginning - SURRENDER

Something deep inside stirred today or was it that things were moving, I realise I suppressed, the beauty of it all is in surrender and I do surrender.

I surrender to the way I feel to things I am scared of saying, fear of being broken, of being forgotten. It feels good to be in love, with not u but what you stand for. I feel a tingle and I look not at the way you work, but at you. So it is out.

I wish there was a simpler way of saying this but the simplest is that I do luv you. The passion has risen with every stroke of midnight. Sleepless nights entwined in your thought, the thoughts that I couldn’t bear, thoughts that I pushed away in sleepless surrender.

Thought of care of mystery, I read you out loud, what you face the world as; I read to you in whispers what you have meant to me. You are the joy id like in my life; you are the thinker that I would choose for advice. You give me courage when mine falls short. You amaze me even in thought. You are spontaneous you make me dream. You are purity imbibed in beauty. You make me what I want to be, and care for you I always will because you are the Woman.

You say what you want and you tell me ur dreams and all I do is listen for fear that I might displease you by sharing them with you. But the truth I have already shared them with you.


Well a new addition an uncensored version of thoughts that have come and have been suppressed:

So u want to know about yourself you are the mother and the child, you are the thinker and the fool though I don’t know the difference. You are the lover and the muse. You are you and no one can be you.

Immense clarity of thought when it comes to things you care for, Strength of a lioness poise of a queen, Face of a child, id seen in a dream. You are the Woman, what the woman stands for me, caring, beauty, mystery all rolled in one, where do I begin where do I end, you are the lover you are the friend.

I don’t really know whether this will reach you or will it remain as a cry in my soul resounding till its too late and then as a shout not heard.


The End - Sometimes a Man goes Crazy - Surrender 2

Sometimes a man goes crazy, and it’s all by his own will that’s exactly what’s happening to me, I guess this could be a great beginning to a good love story, but the sad part is that some love stories end up becoming tragedies. Is mine one I still am not ready to believe. But if I was a man to go by probabilities and mathematical calculations then I have to say that the odds are really heavily stacked against me.

Well isn’t that a certainty. It takes courage to write this down to even think it, well I still hang onto the little strings of hope that exist and the memories, oh the beautiful memories of that face, of that touch of that caress of that kiss.

A new beginning is always an end, what if there are some leftovers which continue from the past to haunt you, things that keep you alive and yet kill you every second. I open up like this very rarely but right now I am split wide open to the hounds that feed on me to all and I really don’t care.

Life goes on they say and I agree but then it doesn’t necessarily mean that it goes the way you wanted it, well does it even go the way that god wanted it I wonder at times. And then I question whose god mine or yours, and I say not ours. Well life might go on but do I, Question Mark?????????

Its strange isn’t it that one stops just as soon as he’s ran passed the ledge and the falls begin , why did it have to happen like that. The realisation coming in after the emotions, are already set into motion, the inertia broken and momentum increasing with each passing second. Full stop, well it’s kind of sad that I had accepted the things that were, and the most difficult was to accept the facts that you didn’t say. Your monsters which now haunt me they are the ones which broke me not the world, I had never given them the permission to hurt me , that’s what causes the pain and nothing else. I want to face all that I can because there is nothing else left which can be as painful as the moment that everlasting moment. The everlasting night has turned into a nightmare and I cant even scream for my scream may wake you up. Irony of it all.

Every movement that I take towards you stops before it begins convulsed motion nipped at the bud with superhuman effort. Shouts of pain of possession muffled till they remain within me, was this not what I was scared of and now it has become a reality hasn’t it. I surrendered to you and I surrender to u once again. I surrender my soul and now you own it you do. But you will never know that would you.

Right i don't feel any of this anymore i do remember feeling them, i can almost feel the breadth of air and the squeeze but not quite , but i like coming back to this once in a while just to know that i felt it once and maybe that i will feel it again but then im not sure if i still believe, if i still believe in love

My mirror image, my illusions , my space

Its 4 am and im still here. as i returned to the blogosphere my purpose was to read someones impressions , and while i read they made me think of how i wrote a few years ago, when life was fresh and each experience was an adventure. It made me think of the changes in my own blog, in my own style of writing over the past few years. the conclusion is simple iv probably deteriorated over the past five years , its been all downhill for quite some time, there are pieces which i still like in the midst, pieces which shine out in my mind as drops of rain on parched soil , or maybe glimmers of intelligence in otherwise quite a dull mind.

So as i read from this secret closet of mine , all the posts that i enjoyed reading were mostly about friends and love, either found or lost, and maybe a few selfish moments of self reflection . Those were written when i was either anguished or ecstatic those were written when my soul and i mean my soul, the very insides of me were moved. And probably that is the way to write isnt it . I mean every moment of your life is not really perceived, its just lived and gone through sometimes not even registering itself to our conscious mind and yet there are these other moments when life stands out and makes you listen. I like recording those moments in time .

It s not that those moments haven't come in the recent past , they have come and gone and they have urged to me to record them, to shut them in this little shoebox of mine but somehow i had lost faith in this space itself. Ill give you my reason for that , its just that i didnt enjoy reading what i wrote , and well also because each moment captured here looses context as i move on, they somehow seem alien.

But i think yesterday was a different read altogether as i read i was amazed at my own resilience and actually stupefied by my memory or rather the lack of it, i did not feel what i felt while i wrote something , but then it made me aware of what i had felt and then I realised my blogs not just a collection of events but rather a compilation of feelings , of seasons of love and lust, of loneliness of anger, happiness, autism and sobriety. And as i journeyed through each road , that now laid forgotten in the past, it just made me realise the value of what i had .

Yes i am self obsessed , yes i am a social voyeur , but then thats what i am and thats what i want to remain . this blog is to me and for me , so in case i forget and get lost in the jungles of my mind let this be the place i come back to to find myself yet once again. And may the people that i write about here find bits of them here too, when they want to. Their mirror image their illusions as i find mine

The song answers tag post

This is one of the best Tag posts done for ages now , it somehow is freakishly accurate at times and well can be a complete load of crap at others but none the less its a good way to spend some quality time. Iv got this from Anoops Blog i think it was done about 3 years back and iv been meaning to do this for ages but somehow just got down to it anyways here goes.


Ask these questions aloud, set your Winamp on shuffle (with all your mp3s), and record the answers + any comments.

Will I get far in life?
Song: Aaj Din Chadheyaa
Artist: Love Aaj kal
Comment: Well thats interesting , could be that its a new beginning, or maybe that its suppose to be left to god in a way cos hes gonna do it all, well the songs actually asking for love isnt it, but i think its still bright .

How do my friends see me?
Song: Love will keep us alive
Artist: The Eagles
Comment: so be it , but i must have some seriously loyal friends

Where will I get married?
Song: Enter Sandman
Artist: Metallica
Comment: whoa......its gonna be the night i stay awake and wait for the sandman , or does that mean that ill be asleep when i get married . Aah ill get married in never never land

What is my best friend's theme song?
Song: Be still my beating heart
Artist: Sting
Comment: Which friend is this i wonder , i have too many who fit this song

What is the story of my life?
Song: She's always a woman
Artist: Billy Joel
Comment: that is the story of my life isn't it, "shell carelessly cut you and laugh while you are bleeding" that doesn't sound very promising, the silver lining shes always a woman to me.

What is/was high school like?
Song: Ehsaas
Artist: Atif Aslam
Comment: ??? I would say it was boring academic days , careless and free, never was in the search for the truth, but yaa if the song says that so be it

How can I get ahead in life?
Song: Nothing else matters
Artist: Metallica
Comment: Trust in who you are and nothing else matters, life is ours we live it our way, so thats bout it just live be open minded, dont care for anything , and be myself, thats pretty decent advice

What is the best thing about me?
Song: Away from the sun
Artist: Three doors down
Comment: Cant quite make sense of that

How is today going to be?
Song: Jaded
Artist: Aerosmith
Comment: jaded, xrated, blue, ecstacy , its complicated.

What is in store for this weekend?
Song: Fast Car
Artist: Tracy Chapman
Comment: yeah im going for a ride in a fast car

What song describes my parents?
Song: Where i go
Artist: Natalie Merchant
Comment: i go to them to sooth my mind , watch the river flow ease my mind , mamas boy well daddys too i guess. Though considering i find it difficult to discuss much with them these days i wonder

...my grandparents?
Song: Baatein Hawaa
Artist: Cheeni kum
Comment: They are all dead...have no clue really

How is my life going?
Song: Tiger Rag
Artist: Louis Armstrong
Comment: Fast paced, synchronised, fusion of instruments being played at an amazing tempo , doesn't seem like no tiger rag right now , i guess im on my way to catch that tiger

What song will they play at my funeral?
Song: Behti `hawa sa that woh
Artist: 3 Idiots
Comment: Must say thats quite an appropriate song for a funeral, though thats not really me is it. Well maybe a future me then. Im quite linking this game

How does the world see me?
Song: Reason to believe
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: I am your reason to believe aint I -- hahaha

Will I have a happy life?
Song: Reach up for the sunrise
Artist: Duran Duran
Comment: I guess thats a yes. Lets reach up for the sunrise, and lets bring the music into our lives.

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: Give me some sunshine
Artist: 3 idiots
Comment: am i their sunshine or am i the huge celestial body which blocks their sunshine, lol

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: Cats in the Cradle
Artist: Ugly kid joe
Comment: does that mean that either im too busy for their lust or they too busy for mine

How can I make myself happy?
Song: Main kya hoon
Artist: Love aaj kal
Comment: just going by the title does it mean i just need to explore what i am,

What should I do with my life?
Song: And the Angels swing
Artist: Stan Getz
Comment: Well i guess it just means flow with it , let the angels swing, no lyrics just some good jazz

Will I ever have children?
Song: Broken
Artist: Seether and Amy Lee
Comment: i guess thats probably a no , or maybe they are cracked children

What is some good advice?
Song: Have i told you lately
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: well thats good advice

What is my signature dancing song?
Song: Handbags and Gladrags
Artist: Rod Stewart
Comment: thats a bit difficult to dance to

What do I think my current theme song is?
Song: Door na Jaa
Artist: Jannat
Comment: naaaaah don't think so

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Song: Sunday Morning
Artist: Maroon 5
Comment: well i don't think this is quite right either, nice song though

What do I really want from life?
Song: Ordinary World
Artist: Duran Duran
Comment: But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive.

What should I do to help others?
Song: Hanuman Chailisa
Artist: does it matter
Comment: I had no clue i had this, strange , never listened to it before , well moral of the story pray for the world to the great monkey god

What should I do to help myself?
Song: bhavra bhavra aaya re (Fataak)
Artist: Kaminey
Comment: wear a condom, thats it thats all that you have for me

What should I do to succeed in life?
Song: The first cut is the deepest
Artist: Cat Stevens
Comment: hmmm interesting. Try to love again , love and success seem to be companions here

What is my one most important goal in life?
Song: Find the river
Artist: REM
Comment: Damn if that was it i could just go to the thames

What do I get the most pleasure from?
Song: Try not to breathe
Artist: REM
Comment: right time to get some sleep