Love

Its kind of funny how we flow in and out of love, partners change and feelings flee. Sometimes even everlasting promises of faith and commitment are broken. But its not all doom and gloom some loves last some stay on . In the end i think theres no love its basically a compromise either ways there is always a compromise, but then compromise is not bad.

Right so why so much talk of love , well as iv mentioned before i was reading my blog over the years , i think the most exciting period was 2006 and probably late 2006 , thats the time when the posts were fiery , emotional and highly erratic. Yes it was the time that i was in love . Maybe it was the time that i lost faith in love but none the less. I think there are two pieces missing from there , i had tried posting them before but somehow lost heart and thought they were too personal to display, and they are but then i lost the pieces and had to retrieve them from an old mail inbox, i dont want to loose them again and so i put them up here. Also now they are not as personal as they were, i have bared my soul here before so here goes. The two pieces are the two sides of love that i have felt

The beginning - SURRENDER

Something deep inside stirred today or was it that things were moving, I realise I suppressed, the beauty of it all is in surrender and I do surrender.

I surrender to the way I feel to things I am scared of saying, fear of being broken, of being forgotten. It feels good to be in love, with not u but what you stand for. I feel a tingle and I look not at the way you work, but at you. So it is out.

I wish there was a simpler way of saying this but the simplest is that I do luv you. The passion has risen with every stroke of midnight. Sleepless nights entwined in your thought, the thoughts that I couldn’t bear, thoughts that I pushed away in sleepless surrender.

Thought of care of mystery, I read you out loud, what you face the world as; I read to you in whispers what you have meant to me. You are the joy id like in my life; you are the thinker that I would choose for advice. You give me courage when mine falls short. You amaze me even in thought. You are spontaneous you make me dream. You are purity imbibed in beauty. You make me what I want to be, and care for you I always will because you are the Woman.

You say what you want and you tell me ur dreams and all I do is listen for fear that I might displease you by sharing them with you. But the truth I have already shared them with you.


Well a new addition an uncensored version of thoughts that have come and have been suppressed:

So u want to know about yourself you are the mother and the child, you are the thinker and the fool though I don’t know the difference. You are the lover and the muse. You are you and no one can be you.

Immense clarity of thought when it comes to things you care for, Strength of a lioness poise of a queen, Face of a child, id seen in a dream. You are the Woman, what the woman stands for me, caring, beauty, mystery all rolled in one, where do I begin where do I end, you are the lover you are the friend.

I don’t really know whether this will reach you or will it remain as a cry in my soul resounding till its too late and then as a shout not heard.


The End - Sometimes a Man goes Crazy - Surrender 2

Sometimes a man goes crazy, and it’s all by his own will that’s exactly what’s happening to me, I guess this could be a great beginning to a good love story, but the sad part is that some love stories end up becoming tragedies. Is mine one I still am not ready to believe. But if I was a man to go by probabilities and mathematical calculations then I have to say that the odds are really heavily stacked against me.

Well isn’t that a certainty. It takes courage to write this down to even think it, well I still hang onto the little strings of hope that exist and the memories, oh the beautiful memories of that face, of that touch of that caress of that kiss.

A new beginning is always an end, what if there are some leftovers which continue from the past to haunt you, things that keep you alive and yet kill you every second. I open up like this very rarely but right now I am split wide open to the hounds that feed on me to all and I really don’t care.

Life goes on they say and I agree but then it doesn’t necessarily mean that it goes the way you wanted it, well does it even go the way that god wanted it I wonder at times. And then I question whose god mine or yours, and I say not ours. Well life might go on but do I, Question Mark?????????

Its strange isn’t it that one stops just as soon as he’s ran passed the ledge and the falls begin , why did it have to happen like that. The realisation coming in after the emotions, are already set into motion, the inertia broken and momentum increasing with each passing second. Full stop, well it’s kind of sad that I had accepted the things that were, and the most difficult was to accept the facts that you didn’t say. Your monsters which now haunt me they are the ones which broke me not the world, I had never given them the permission to hurt me , that’s what causes the pain and nothing else. I want to face all that I can because there is nothing else left which can be as painful as the moment that everlasting moment. The everlasting night has turned into a nightmare and I cant even scream for my scream may wake you up. Irony of it all.

Every movement that I take towards you stops before it begins convulsed motion nipped at the bud with superhuman effort. Shouts of pain of possession muffled till they remain within me, was this not what I was scared of and now it has become a reality hasn’t it. I surrendered to you and I surrender to u once again. I surrender my soul and now you own it you do. But you will never know that would you.

Right i don't feel any of this anymore i do remember feeling them, i can almost feel the breadth of air and the squeeze but not quite , but i like coming back to this once in a while just to know that i felt it once and maybe that i will feel it again but then im not sure if i still believe, if i still believe in love