The Idea of an Idea being stolen.

I have been fairly unhappy sitting here for the past two - three days, I dont really thik its the work , or the idea of the work im doing but rather under whom im doing it. I thnk this is something very particular about me that i tend to form impressions and no matter how hard i try to erase them they just seem to haunt me.

Well its ok if an imbessile works under you but , when hes your boss its an entirely different equation , things probably that i still need to work on to acheive greatness.

Well it was fine till the day an idea struck me the idea that generated another like it , till the whole mechanical cogs in my brain were working full time to device a stratergy to reach out to the corporates and to increase business from it . Well some ideas are similar in nature however its the delivery which counts for them. and I came out with a very good way to probably deliver this, however in its representation to the super boss i suddenly realised that my name from it had been very conveniently disected from the idea. And while this idea was being delivered i was present in the same bloody room .

Abnd now i wonder which one is worse the Idea of Generating that Idea and that idea being stolen and being diassociated from me, or the idea of not coming up with any more ideas for fear of them being hijacked midway. Becase in the past two weeks i have faced immense dissatisfaction with even the idea of working under someone who dose this. But then another truth is that i have heard of corporate stories much worse , i have faught these deamons before , I know the valuer I bring and the rest of the self gayaan. But my communication with the boss for certain is not happening anymore , and well i am not generating ideas, augumenting them nor really doing any realtime work , and i wonder.

Anyways till this clears im really confused.

Training young Minds

The rooms filled with chairs about sixty of them , the class is being held in the basement of an old Hospital , the rooms got nothing else but the sixty chairs, one table a computer infested with viruses and a Projector , projecting vauge presentations on the wall.

The Coridoor outside the classroom is filled with 20 somethings , coming from various walks of life, as far away as the northeast and delhi, confused , yet ambitious. There is a buzz in the air, while i sip my cup of cofee with the Principal , discussing curicculum and my almost horrifically scandalizing views on Modern day teaching.

Theres no bell which rings , im saddned by the affairs for these students , I have seen them come to my Hospital for internships, Knowledge absolutely negligeble and believe me we only take their cream. And I wonder what we are coming to when we just kep on filling these seats year after year boasting our laurells on individual competencies. I remember my classes on marketing when i was astudent, and i realise that i dont remember anything except for a nurse feeding your baby being Customer Delight, was i any better off? No wonder i find it conforting to know that one of the tachers here with a very horribly south indian accent is an old friend of the teacher with the horible southindian accent who taught me.
Anyways so class begins and I walk in and i hear hushes and everybody moving in, i stand there while people get comfortable and i wonder my first bloody class. Im not nervous really I have prepared wel, agreed not formal education as such but experience has taught me enough to give this lecture. Actualy I have met this class before on their institutional visit to the Hospital , atleast most of hem and i know that i have scandalized them with my agressive and slightly honest presentation. But the class begins highly structured , the examples are great and by he time the class finishes i realise that i have been out ther speaking for just over thre hours. Man thats long , but i realy didnt know how it passed. I come out excited , ignited as i see that i might have igbnited a few thiughts , I am basically substituting for my boss who was supose to take these classes. i take two of them , and i know this is addictive. But before i can go ahead and make a commitment in terms of my time to the management ( who ofcourse are dying to see someone from the corporate world actually teaching there students). Anyway its simple for me i administer a feedback form , the answer would be given ony once i have had a feedback of the lasrt two classes. I come out with flying colors. collectively about 2-3% students think i suck , 60% think im average and meeting their expectations , 30% think im above average and 7-8 % think im god. I think i might change some of their opinions over a period of time.

And now im realy serious about it , not to the maters in the [resentation but to the activity which folows it i so badly wish i had 20 days with them , I would have made them players, sadly enough i gotta do this in bout 8 classs lets see how it goes, but man its a rush , and i think the management is rely excited to see someone from the industry teach in such an exciting and engaging manner . Im taking Stratergic Management next semester god help them .

Ps Im also thinking of writing to TISS to ask them if they could arrange for agressive three day sessions that i could take there, I wonder how that would work . Lets see , well if im going to Mumbai ill for sure take it uip atleast one class i think ill force myself through their gates , and i might be going to Mujmbai for a Marketing meet soon.

learn it Firo - B

These have been good days , there seems to be some sort of order to life , for how long though that's not sure. The gyms there though not as regularly as id like it to be, but I'm not complaining. The works fine interesting workshop happened which of course now is over, but theres the teaching bit, and then the creatives, i guess i get a chance to be more creative about it now. And well homes not really biting.

Actually i think there might have been a slight change within myself, I realised that in the rush to finish the jobs pending , the MBA stuff and all of that , i had kinda stopped taking life on. I had become a mechanical being just going through the motions of life, guess it happens to most of us .

But then this workshop was quite interesting , not that it taught me something new it just made me understand why I was behaving the way I was behaving. But anyways we will not get into the details of it , but life seems sweeter than before, and my decisions seem more mature all of a sudden.
So here are some of the basics that i knew and seem to have forgotten , or these are the new behaviours that i have imbibed which don't seem to be helping me:
1) Trust , i think i have been let down a few times ( this is completely professional), and over these small breaks in trust , i have stopped believing in people , until i really am close to them , and maybe not even that , basically crux of the story independence jindabad, but the truth is that in reality , that might not be something i want , i want more in life but i am just not asking people for it, nor allowing them to give it to me..
2) Busy - in actuality i might not be as busy as i act , its just that i like my space quite a bit and so i tend to take cover of making myself busy all the time so that i don't rally have to communicate with every one all the time.
3) Time alone- i need doses of this and again in the middle of work , i completely have stopped spending quality time with myself, this could also be because i don't really want to think too much. Also because i do tend to take on more than i can handle at one time in my plate.
4) Control - I am not a control freak , as i usually believe , in actuality i seem to be pretty good with the control thing , except for the fact that i don't like taking orders from every one , but then that ain't that bad. Its again the lack of trust which makes me brash.
5) Affection - i am a slightly cold person , now but that's not the way i was nor the way that i have to be , i guess ill get there too. Basically i guess I'm modeled somewhere or rather have modeled myself as the basic tough guy who doesn't cry and doesn't need help and doesn't show emotions etc etc, I don't really think i began like this in college , but over a period of time , works made me become like this, or rather this is the way i have decided to deal with it. More importantly i actually like quite a few people quite a bit , and for some strange reason i just cant tell them that , i think appreciation is definitely something i have to build into my system.
Ok enough for now , or id rant for the rest of my life , lets see how it works , if i can forgive the world for the injustice i think it has done to me and more importantly if i can just cut a bit on the ego.

Just letting out

Well sitting here once again , its an office day , its been a tiresome , tedious day. A day which begins and then just does not come to an end . It s been filled wityh strange works, a little bit of branding a lot of facilitation , a lot of talk and well thats bout it. I really feel some people in my office need to take lessons in cooperation or rather how to speak to others without sounding like its a bloody order, or probably i need to take a lesson on learning how not to read to much into innocent sentences.

It started in the bloody morning and i knew it would be a long day , and well cant really say that as the day comes to an end i have found repreive. its still the same - part two to come from home.

I'm Alive How U doin.

This has been pending for quite some time now, but it just so happens that it wasn’t written till today. And now it’s being typed out at bloody1 in the morning. No I’m not drunk right now, and I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing up so late. But this was supposed to be posted today and wasn’t.
I’ve just had a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and it’s now that I realize how much of the action I have missed for so bloody long. It was a trip from Pinkie which jogged me into existence again, and to tell you the truth there was not much of a change in the working me till we left for Blore and then things shifted into a different gear.
I guess people would call me temperamental, and I would completely agree with every word that they say. It’s a bit difficult to come out of your skin, as long as you are in the same city where you work. The work always seems to be overpowering and the body usually a little low on fuel. But a different city, a new flavor can add real life to you.
So that’s how it was till Pinks was here in Hyd, it was a decent slow existence, work, party / drink , movie and a trip. The trip uneventful except for the fact that I got my first taste of toddy , a bit too sweet for my taste and to tell you the truth it kind of looks a bit like rice water , not my idea of an afternoon drink. But anyways the trip till Nagarjuna Sagar was cool , the breakfast interesting and the Tire Puncture even more interesting. Pinkie I feel has changed In these strange ways , that are indescribable , probably more mature or maybe that’s what she tries to be , but it doesn’t matter dose it cos she’s Pinks by the end of it.
Well I was as irratic as ever and I think I must thank her for bearing with me and my mood swings. I guess that’s the price I have paid for staying alone for so long. It also makes me wonder whether I can survive with someone sharing my space, one two days is enough but then I think I start biting.
Blore was completely crazy , I mean that’s the only city where I usually end up drinking at 11 am , and end up stopping drinking at 5:00 am and all of this thanks to Anoop .I also realize how slow I have become for it , not because it saps me of energy but it’s not the complete idea of a holiday for me anymore, there needs to be sleep , beautiful sites and books in it. There was a time when if you told me we were to drink and smoke up for a week , vacationing id take you up on it , but to tell u the truth I think I don’t have that kind of energy or rather interest anymore. But it was strangely refreshing to know that I can still last on that and well more importantly that I did it. 13 th floor was amazing, Casa Del sol was very nice though I kind of freaked and rushed in the end, but I think Infinitea still is the best of them all . I think I could just go to blore for that and for some bookshops they have at MG Road.
I think there was some sort of closure there in Blore , it was good being there , Appu was great and I guess cos pinks was there she gave us more time , It is strange to see Pinks in Blore , her life there is completely different from the life she lives , ore has lived before in Tiss , As for me I think I’m just a bit like a small town boy in a big city at times there , I don’t know anymore.
Ok so what’s happened ever since?

Works become busy, launching the Evening clinics, World Osteoporosis Day and so on and so forth.
Iv Joined a gym and am trying hard to stick to it ( Please also note Iv failed quite miserably at it , 3 out of 7 days id say pathetic, all that body pain and it needs to be started all over again)
My homes not that comfortable at least not as comfortable as the previous house, I think I need some time to get used to it , though at present I’m trying to figure out whether the house not being perfect is in actuality beneficial for me.
The questions about my future plans is looming over my head and I’m still clueless m, though I think ill try and do something just because I need a change
Marriage and the need for getting married is something that I’m actually now considering
The questions about existence and the whole purpose behind it are now stemming up again and again , and they are kind of inflicting themselves on me , and I still haven’t got a clue
The whole concept of relationships / Friendships / Family all seem to be something completely alien for some strange reason. I vacillate between the complete desire and the complete abhorrence of all of these
I think I’m going through a midlife crisis or something.

That feeling

There are times when I feel that I am going insane , or rather that I have reached there. I dont really know if you guys have ever felt it , but I have many a time . This feeling which kreeps up on you as the day passes and probably takes over you completely when its bout 2:00 in the afternoon. A feeling that you dot belong, not in the work that you are presently doing, not amongst the people that you are with , not even the city that you are in , I guess not even in the world at times. Its so intense that it completely blocks out all other things , be it work , love or anything , you become restless , you just cant stand the place youare in or rather the life you are living. Not that you are clear about what you Want or how u are going to acheive it ,but you just know that whatever is happening around you is not right. I guess for me its more of an indifference , theres nothing outside me which is upsetting me but rather something which is inside. I cant even say that its upsetting , more of a distracter , a distortion , a stuckness, a challenge a problem. Its enlightning at times , and I really feel at those moments to run way and to sit on a mountain looking at the world below.

I woneder , the feelings a bit alien now.

Ill try and write the next time i get it .

To my Partner

You realise that life is futile when someone dies, and when its someone close to you then you realise how far you have grown.
We were kids then , and he was at some level what we all wanted to be , at 6 feet 3 and he was massive , he was serious and he was successfull. I guess life must have been tough for him because it showed he had struggled, to keep a family togeather , to rise and to be happy. I think he was happy once , but we were children then , the house with the garden , were we used to play when i remember. And then we used to play some silly game of cards , which I dont evern remember but he was my partner. He would take us out sometimes fore a movie or to the market , buy us candy and popcorn, they were great times. And then there were times when we would go along with him on these business travells of his down to delhi , and hed feed us great amounts of sweets, and this or that famous food at old time famous places in the old streets delhi . But we were kids then.
My uncle was a great man, then grew old and his sons tried, but i dont really think they were successfull, and i think it caused him pain, they grew up and fought , wanted to split up, i think it gave him pain. His business plumetted , his son became an alcoholic, he worked as much as he could , but i think he was in pain. He was in so much pain by the end of it , but he was so brave , with a broken hip and a shuffle to his gait , but strong .

He was a lover , stuck to one woman for god knows how many years, i think she was really lucky. I dont even remember him complaining ever, but we were kids,. He used to joke with her , even took her on a trip to america, and that time america was really far, I wonder what she feels now, and i wonder what i should feel
I think he was proud of me in his own way , proud of my education , proud of the fact that i worked for a prestegious organization , and at times proud of my weight loss, but it was such that i didnt even think about him , ever , i had grown distant from him. It wasnt really that i have spent so much of time with him, its just been bits and peices during vacations and probably at the most maybe 10 days in a year. And today I was afraid when that phonecall came that it was my parents , something had happened and when i heard it was him there was some releif nad then this intense shock and pain. I had that conversation and then i worked for two solid hours , not once thinking about him, not once mourning , but rather smiling and joking.
And then there was numbness on the way back , there were things which needed to be done , i did thenm mechanically , I knew that i didnt really feel like vtalking to ppl I wanted to get back home , not to mourn but to start feeling it. I suddenly realise how far I am , how alone I am , I cant even mourn alone , I need someone to talk to , i need to tell this to someone and I cant because there is no one But i think i will miss him , I know i will, and i think going to that home and not finding him there is something which im dreading already and I dont know how ill tell him this now. I havent called him partner for so long I wish I could call him that once again.

Tomorrow will be another day and i will be living again the way i do , cold and numb but I need to have this moment to myself to feel as alone as i want to.

Downsized

Actually this title comes from the fact that thats how im seeing the new blog page at blogger , its bare , I think its something to do with the setting of my computer or rather of the server providing me this internet connection .


Why Im writing now is another thing all togeather , im writing cos im restless , restless like a caged animal , not that i have any thing in particular to do , or rather the intentions to do the things thzat need to be done.

But lets talk bout something else , I think if I were in a dream right now and wanted or wished to do something it would be to walk in the company of a pretty woman on a montain road, secluded from the basic population. I have walked on this road before , the breeze is the coldest there and so bloody strong that the trees actually are flat topped , reminded me of the Mario Bros game at that time.

Right across the valley you see a mountain range covered with snow , it looks so beautifull, the air is fresh , the sun a bit harsh. But i guess in this dream it would be gentler. The roads winding , the times Dusk, the sky is red and the woman s fair with a delicate nose , big beautifull eyes with a smile which is heavenly.

Theres no talk required , we are walking togeather but unaware of the presence of each other, it feels so natural that there is nothing new about it except for the exceptional beauty of the place.

And then i wake up because i dont have the energy to sustain this dream anylonger , because it needs no future or past , its just as complete as it needs to be the way it is, no questions asked.

Then its back here to this job which today seems like a complete burden another thing that n idd lime to do right now: Sit outside a Cafe , watching people walk on in life , observing giving each face a story , a history a future and most importantly a present. There are these beautifull expressions , that need to nbe observed , the playfullness of a couple or the seriousness of one , it s absolutely crazy that a face can speak so much , and yet my face speaks nothing to me. I light a cigarette and the smoke is lke the Smirnoff bottle showing real faces.

Chaos

Its September already and the times running fast , there are so many small little things that need to be done to complete the process of living, but apart form these there are these strange new opportunities , new waves which hit me every day beckoning me to action. In the end a muddled human being emerges out of the complete chaos that surrounds him . For a person who is pretty paranoid about time and not organized at all i guess im playing the part well.

So here are a few deadlines that i enlist for me today , in the overgrown list of things to do in life : I guess these are the first few steps that i need to take on my journey to new lands.
1) Tofel to be written before 15 th of this month , which probably means by 15th of this month
2) ISB application to be checked one final time and requirements to be fulfilled and submitted 15th Sep
3) Queens Application to be filled within the same period and submitted by the same time
4) Job interview at Maytas to be materalised through some push , before the 10th of this month
5) House to be shiofted by 15th , sorry painted and shifted.
6) Smoking to be quit by tenth.
Ok thats bout it , but then again there are so many bloody things so little time , anyways so now atleast you guys know where im headed , though I must say I myself am stil quite confused to the general direction my life is taking.
Another thin apart from the ten hours at work that are spent meeting other deadlines, if you have any suggestions please get through to me cos there seems to be too much on my plate right now to digest.
Adios I guess ill talk to u guys after the dreded 15th .

The Rush

Hello here I am again, for a person who writes content for most of his hospitals articles and press releases and gives briefs to Advt agencies I really write disjointedly on this blog, don't you think so?

To begin a new chapter I will try to be more careful in the construction of my posts from hence onwards
I have had a rush , in the past 48 hours , Whats a rush and how does it happen you might ask. Well i get mine through a few things in life ,
1) The chase - most important of them all i guess. Its when I am opposite an attractive woman, or atleast a fashionable one , who's conversation is intellectually stimulating and interspersed with these exchanges which take place completely non verbally. There is this sudden increase in pulse rate , a certain confidence in each word , and an underlying stream of conversation through the body, be it a look, or arrangement of hair, at that very moment that woman becomes the most desirable person on this earth. Maybe you could call it simple flirting, but if its the right kind of person i think you will understand. So it does not matter if shes about 10 years older than me , it doesn't matter if shes AVP of a company, all that matters is the internal stream of conversation. So though the bodies talk a different language there is a contrast in the conversation , Either its too professional or slightly spiteful. And of course the rush.
2) Success - The second rush is from success , not measurable , not even materialistic , but rather more on the personal internal challenge sort of way. Its when you complete an assignment, that's difficult to take up on , or something that you probably thought wouldn't work out works out in a very agreeable manner. So it doesn't matter if its an Interview that you take to see if you have it in you, it doesn't matter if its in the real estate space though you are from Health care, it doesn't matter if your not even sure that you would take up the offer if it was offered to you, and even if you almost forget to breath and hyperventilate at the initial phase of the interview. The only thing that matters is that you smashed it , and you saw the woman in front of you almost orgasmic over the thought of having you in her team, its the smile and the eager handshake which follows it and man do you have a rush or what.
3) When you trip - this rush is of a different sort its made up of dreams, hallucinations and the subconscious , its the desire that arises out of the very soul of your heart which takes shape in the form of images and songs and it doesn't really matter if its completely against your very substance. When you do the thing that resides in you somewhere deep down , which you didn't even know existed there , its a rush like youv never felt before. Its the first drag of every cigarette , the last of every joint, the middle of every drinking session, and the beginning of every Acid trip.

So that's it folks the rush is upon me , for how long? It probably will get phased out in a day or too, but yaa atleast I know now that i still can have them.

Strange

The Lights were dim , and he walked in with a glass of water, man this is tougher than i thought. Ok so the last blog kinda sucked but it was written on an impulse and i dont really care.

Todays been a beautifull day I wanted to sleep some more in the morning but had to get up , I wanted it to be sunnier it was cloudy , In office there was work to be done in the morning and i didnt feel like working , there is work still pending and i still dont feel like working , the tea was too sweet and the cigarretes slightly bitter, I wanted to listen to dazed and confused but the song I played was Laila o Laila. I wanted to write this uninterrupted i have been disturbed twice. Theres a feeling that something is going to happen but its not happened yet.

Yet the days better than most days, I guess sometimes we just dont know what we want and we just need life to open up in front of us as it does.

I wanted to write a diffferent post but its this that has shaped up in front of me.


Dazed and confused for so long its not true wanted a woman never bargained for you.

Oh bye the way im having these really strange dreams , there was a woman in them today , there were either these insects or birds which pecked her face while she laid in a hospital bed dressed in white , bits going of her in symmetrical patterns, there was no blood but like pock marks , but she looked peautiful, the thought scared me a bit . but then i knew she was not feeling pain , and then i awoke.

Beauty vs ugly

Ok so I blog again on Impulse , whats new in that?

Its been an interesting day, with we surfing the net for MBS Melbourne business school. The place sounds fairly interesting and it was one of the sites that i actually read in totality , well almost. But other than that i had two appointments with two big Indian companies Dr. Reddys and 92.7 Big FM , both of which we are targeting to sponsor or Rather partner us in an event. Well the business talk was always exciting specially if the outcomes are positive and in this case atleast one of them was an immediate yes.

But other than that there was this theory that i created, I saw this 'RJ Adonica there , shes built like a doll, very pretty face and quite delicate, now Im not really like into typoing people , but i think i expected her to be something like that, its kind of strange how only the pretty girls have the real pretty voices. By this don't mean the singing voice but rather the talking voice, and man I think that theory might just about hold good. I have to do a bit of practical research on that , I could try it out as a thesis if i end up entering MBS. hehehhe.

Ok another theory , which though not exactly mine but adapted by me somewhere down the line is: In India soon the pretty women might go extinct / or visa versa.

Basically i say there are three type of people through evolution , the good lookers , the ugly ducks and well the Transitioners. Basically since we are moving towards the westernize culture of Love marriages, single parents, divorces and bachelors / Spinsters for life . The markets getting tougher. Competition has increased because of our faith in love, we now believe that we deserve a certain quality and if we don't get it, quite a few of us are willing to try out new products , but not get tied to them and if we are not satisfied than we are willing to remain single.

This is specific to the metropolitans, and people there have evolved to this competition or are in progress, women have gotten prettier, taller, slimmer , better framed etc etc. Men to have evolved similarly and are turning out with much better better. We cant really compare a Kishore Kumar or Devanand or for the matter of fact even Amitab bachan in his younger days to the Saifs, hrithiks and Jhons of today. So basically people are now either good looking or transitioners in the metros, and the only people who might be left behind are the firm believers in Arranged Marriages , who know that in the end they will get hitched . But I think every one in the city needs to wake up to this realisation that the times are changing and slowly they will. So this is the race of the beautiful people.

Now lets come to not so metro cities and tier two and tier three cities, loves happening , but marriage has to be the final culmination , there is no choice of remaining single, or becoming a single parent , completely against the cultural and social values. So we have the transitioners here and the plain old uglies , and this is how it exists, there might be a freshness in the faces but the bodies are disproportionate somewhere.

The villages are places which are not really that affected buy this whole scenario , if it happens to be a village endowed with natural , heritable beauty then so it is. But it does not really matter if you are pretty or not u will get a match.
On the other side men seem to be moving at a faster pace towards this basic improvement in looks and this is basically the competition for them is even more severe as the man to woman ratio of India is high.

Ok so now that w e know why they exist and where they exist lets try to pin a future to it, basically its gonna be existence in the end and if going by norms more and more people choose to remain single i think beauty might just prevail , but ofcourse since procreation is our basic goal and we like to do it under the garb of marriage , that to arranged we will remain ugly . This is really inconclusive , but i havnt really given it much thought , i will try and improve o n this in the near future.

Rainy Day Adventure

I suddenly realise how boring and mundane my life has become in a certain way , so while people write about their trips to the jungle and their trips to India and Mushrooms and acid , I sit here and think getting wet in the rain is an adventure.

But it was for me. When over a three Kilometer journey looms in front of you, in a down pour that could shame Niagara falls , every street an amazon river in itself and well it is a jungle out there after all. And so begins the rainy day Adventure.

It was a quite Friday evening, the day had been dark and ominous. I worked in the office as usual , sending mails and daydreaming , and after the daily grunge it was the blog reading time. had come across a very interesting blogger , suited my taste and so i read on , at about 7 it was decided that it was definitely time to go home. But what was not known to me was that the rains had started with a vengeance about 15 minutes ago, so tucking my bag i walked to the gate to realise the deluge which was upon us. There was this crowd gathered all waiting for the rain gods to stop their fury , but nothing changed , so while I stood there looking at this beautiful rain , it dawned upon me that it wont stop. So i walked to the gate to wait for an auto , and in the process got wet.

The night was beautiful , the rain was amazing , so away went my bag back into the dept, and off i went to meet the rain, it was cold it was refreshing , it was like this old light returning to me, and i remembered my lazy rain walks in Manipal, but this was definitely not happening. Too wet in four steps , wow what rain. So i hailed an Auto and as luck would have it he stopped, this mad driver , with adventure on his mind, off we went through wet streets at maddening pace.

Traffic Jam , bloody hell its pouring and the pace of life still doesn't stop, we went into this by street, the roads filled with water , I can see vehicles on the side submerged in water, theres this indica on the side trying to start and its exhaust spewing out water which it has swallowed like a thirsty child, a little too fast. The auto stops, the engine goes off , my heart skips a beat, the adventures just begun. On the way there were people standing on the sides, looking at the rain hailing autos, trying to at least , and i think it would be a good sight with some hot tea and under a good strong roof. The autos luckily run out of petrol and hes carrying a bottle of it, my life springs back to action , and i look out of the auto as he splashes water around on others, his pace is fast cant damn see the road but no , he wont make no compromises on the speed.

We reach this section of the road about a kilometer from my house which is always clogged with water and that too tremendous amounts of it, he refuses to go any further and i cajole him to take another road, the roads clogged and what to do, so I take the brave step of stepping out of Auto onto the Sidewalk, theres a river flowing on the road and im standing at its bank. But then at some point in the future I walk into the water its cold and my shoes are wet , the waters till my ankles now, and then I turn a corner might as well get some food, The waters till my knees now, and i wonder if ill catch some fish too, manholes can be really dangerous and i see a few regurgitating water. its a beautiful wet day im drenched and im cold but there is smile on my face which just cant be wiped out. The water becomes less , and the walk is easier. The guys at the Chinese shop laugh at me looking my pitiable condition and i feel really jolly and at the same time contemplative , the foods prepared fast and the cigarettes are bought and nicely wrapped in a plastic bag to keep them dry.

And I walk home in a drizzle its beautiful, a kid cycles by me and smiles this real heart warming smile and i feel well the whole of Humankind is somehow united in this rain , they are all fighting together to get back home , and it s a journey worth its pleasure.

A warm bath a bottle of wine a good movie my days made and the adventures over .

Just a day

Its a cozy Saturday afternoon , the work loads dwindelled now , I have finished my PPT on breast feeding , and according to the doctor I have covored the major parts of it pretty well, i added a few cartoons too, but trying not to be too lewd , I like this doctor shes a really shy gynacologist, i really wonder at times how she talks family planning with the fathers.

In other news , the sense of uselessness , still continues, but its less active today , The morning was beautifull, just got up at 5 minutes to eight so that it gave me the 5 minutes required to heat me a cup of coffee before the power went. The coffee was nice and strong , the aroma was amaizing and that mixed with the nights rain effervesing from the earths surface . The sun was bright and i stood at my balcony looking out , while the owners lunatic son paraded around below , oblivious to me and me to him. And i wondered how the day would be .

The bath was refreshing after a real long time and the water just the right natural temprature, there was just enought time to dreaa and just the right kind of traffic opn the way to work. I had my breakfast i think reading my daily horoscope on rediff , now though i quite forget what it said.

Saw a grand movie last night , love song for Bobby Long, that jhon Travolta is amaizing , i mean he can look good even with white hair, a limp and a bit of a paunch, drunk and waisted. Cant say its a great movie or unpredictable , but it is quite interesting in its slow paced manner. And I really felt happy about having watched it.

Last night was a restless night i faught some work problems i nthe night in my head as to what action neede to be taken for a vendor to work , but cant quite say if I have figured it out yet, but it does make my blood boil. And on top of it the advance payment of some 25 odd thousands is with him. so I wonederwhere it will end. Big business somethimes feel so vulnerable because the small time business men they rely on can destroy them and well vice versa I guess. Every one is living in a fear of the other, i think Im begining to not give a shit and i like it this way.

Ok Adios for now till we write again

It been a shitty day

Ok so heres another one , i think im sick , maybe feverish , or maybe just mentally exhausted, every day im fighting a new demon within my head, maybe its just the latent lunatic gene thats becoming dominant. Today was the fight for supremacy , the fight to be liked by the right people , the fight to go completely out of character and then suddenly realising how naked you are to hurt.

It started of soberly , with the little bit of work which needed to be finished being finished, but i cant say how far i went cos somewhere in the middle i lost interest. The boss gives a definative task , and i gotta make people do it , there seems to be a power struggle and infact i think i can see where its coming from, i have been driving some people too hard i n the recent past and its hurting me as well as them .
But I canrt really help it because im embibibg it into me this diciplarian character, the boss is having fun while i play the taurant officer he gets tgo be the good cop , and there is a exchange of power.

Games in the office oh so tiering , on a day like today i suddenly realise that does it really matter , if we are running a shabby ship , and then i fee it does , but when did i become like this who has to think about things like this. There is no absolute future , i agree to that, but i seem to have lost myself to this drudgery , i love the days i love my job , but ill tell you a truth the last few days have been complete evil, and now i envy those who enjoy what they do. I think i wasnt made for this.

Well i think im just being quite melodramatic here, in actuality iv become quite a bit if a drama queen now. ( laughs at self and imagines self in a queenly dress) woah , thats scary. Ok so coming back to it , Its basically a little scary to realize i nthe midst of it all as to where im heading, I guess you could kind of call it a mild attack of midlife crisis. But you know what im glad that there is still something in me which really wants to fight it.

And of course o ntop of that Neets just left me a really good comment , and im quite happy now, I thin you just made my day turn around.

realisation

Huston we have a problem , over the past three odd days of my existence i feel myself cornered in a place that i dont really look forward to being at. It is kind of strange because the person who is cornering me into this place is me, and its just that the realisation of it is hitting me a little slow.

Ok as for the imaginative bit i think i did a really good job on the last post of mine leaving the canvas blank for so long so that every one else could fill it up with the colors of their imagination.

Coming back to reality , I have to state that i am really Alone and also that i dont really like it , and lastly i think i am dependent on it. Over the past three years I think i have exchanged that little semblance of Humanity which was left in my heart in favour of acquiring self dependence . The necessity of the concept of having every thing within oneself led me to distance myself from most of my friends , three people remained standing , who i was not dependant on but whos company i somehow tolerated , they have left now all three of them and i suddenly find myself in the midst of life struggeling to make new ones.

Flashback , it all began with life in hyd , the interdependance o n fairly unimpressive colleagues , who could let you down at the fall of a needle, inability to really understand most people around, refuge in self, change in behaviour -present situation. Its clear isnt it , i remember creating that funda on the terrace of my old apartment and now i can see myself alone o n that terrace , and believe me its not as great as it looked.


Where to next god knows atleast i know something now. The fundas still realy cool and i think i still believe in it but i think anything when taken to an extreme is fanatism , so hell lets just water it down a bit , but then i think meeting interesting people is still a big problem.

The Writers Blog

Another story for you all .

I love writing this all , i enjoy the idea that someone out there is reading this stuff, and then I realise that there are somany of us out there who somewhere share this common exhibitionistic pleasure.

In recent days i have been attracted to so many blogs ,they have been blogs of 21 year olds and well maybe soem even 31 and there is this drastic difference in the way we all write . They have been random people of the net, of xanga or blogspot , and some have been through comments , names i like pictures i like and so on and so forth. Call it Vouyerism , but its intense to see how every one somewhere is peicing their life togeather, living through a broken relationship , living single or plainly living in their dellusional world.

I have a few favourites now , most of them for their Humour, for the dark irony in some of them , and others just for the pure and clean feeling of fresh existence that they bring with them. Its kind of strange that friends can write in such different flavours , sometimes you would wonder how a gets along with B.

And most importantly it makes you feel that you are not the only one with this particular quirkiness.

I guess id call myself the depressive writer , cost most of my posts are about unhapiness somewhere or about the search for happiness.

Similarly some people write in third person lets say in riddles.

Ok i have to go right now works calling mayn\be i will complete this post , or maybe i will not any one of u is free to complete it if you like.

Imagination

I was thinking that in recent days most of what i have written in here has been quite realistic , I mean they have been bits and peices of life , of my life , of my desires , worries and failures, maybe its time to get a bit light , lets put some imagination into it and write something new , maybe in a different flavor . I dont quite know yet , but hopefully this should get a new feel to it soon .

But I warn you if I know myself it could be dark somewhere.

the animal

I have always known it , there is an animal in me , a not so pleasant really mean side, it comes out when i go out, basically that is after drinking loads of alcohol , i switch off and he comes on , and i dont remember no jack shit of whats happened the next day.
its scary actually .

One more night and im killing it , im killing it an im certain bout that.

The Perfect Morning , The Tired Man, an Old Love affair & Death Calling

Its kind of strange how various things are so bloody Connected , well maybe not connected but can have such simultaneous appearances.

The Perfect Morning for a friend , with the perfect light, the perfect breeze, the perfect Music in the back ground, the perfect cup of tea and the perfect Drizzle to make it known that you are not in a dream. The perfect world

And out side of it The tired man exists , shuttling day in and day out from Job to home, 16 hours in the office for two consecutive days, no time to breathe , no time to eat , chaotic focused energy , on the event , the expectations the unknown , knowing that hes missing out on life while he exists like this. Knowing that the opportunity is calling and might not call out for long , but stuck in existentiality. But the present is in its own way a different high, of aspiration of potentiality.

And then there is a Dream a dream that dose not even break on waking up and sleeping again , a dream of a past love , of her acceptance and her rejection, in disbelief the man is pulled in to a fatal attraction with someone that is now history. He dreams of the love they share , the exotic love making is intense , there is this strange tense restriction in every action and yet somewhere in the inside he knows that its all wrong. That this is not the way it is meant to be , the advice from another friend on relationships , an apparition in pieces to give advice on love, on failure , or rejection . Its intense this mix . Finally I see him Shoveling on the ground behind the woman from the past , marking a route why now i cant quite understand. He wakes up in cold sweat but wanting to go back again to that dream , the alarm clock rings and theres nothing that he can do about it.

There have been three missed calls, and a message , from a distant land, Africa. He wakes up cursing under his breath for having to wake up , for the tiredness for the lost dream . He curses the distant caller , he gets ready for office , at least it will be an easier day , he knows. And then he reads the message , "the person that he was suppose to send the medicines to , the medicines that he was suppose to send four days ago , has died. "

And then there is numbness , could he have done something to save that life probably not, the condition was already quite bad. Where did he go wrong ,well no where, but he knows that the the day will be long , the tiredness would engulf him, but it would be the perfect day because he would be comfortably Numb.

Living Alone

There are so many strange little oddities that you collect from living alone, its the best, it can be the worst at times too, but its the strange little habits , tempraments that you collect that make you so damn unsociable at times.

Trip to nowhere and everywhere

Talk about Spontanity, imagine a scenario , its a mundane wednesday morning , and you are a bit late for work , you r rushing in an auto to your workplace , the phone rings, a friends on line , he sounds desperate, do you wanna take a vacation , we will drive insanely long distances to stay for an insanely short period to dwell over monoliths from the past.

And you act on it, well thats exactly how it all began , wont bother the reader with the complete details, but the leave was sanctioned, the packing done and all set for the morrow. But before that ofcourse the celebration of vacation , wheres the booze. Drank till 2:30 am , woke up at 5:00 am and all set for a 1000 odd kilometer drive. I guess the best part of it all was that i didnt have a clue as to where i was going, it was planned in the night, though i bet my friend always knew where he was taking me and probably if i had known i wouldnt have come , but now the leave was sanctioned , couldnt waste it could I.



So off we were to Manipal - banglore is about 600 odd Km from Hyderadab, and from there Manipal is about 400 Km more, if i would have known this man i would have called us insane specially since we planned to travell this humongous distance in 1 day ,

Travelling in the morning is so beautifull, now iv done it twice, before sunrie, its all so quiet , and as the daylight peeks in , it becomes more beutiful. So off we were travelling at speeds of a 110 and 120 kmph , the breeze was like a full blown howl, I think i passed out for bout half an hour somewhere in the middle, first stop a cigarette break, we were carrying just bout two cigarettes with us and thats not good when ur travelling so early in the morning, but then u gotta make do with what you have, it was by this small hillock kinda thing the sun was out but not hot yet, the grass was green we went ito the field to take a leak , smoked the cigarette like cool dudes sitting on the grass, next to the shiny black Aveo, it felt good. A few more miles covered , the stomach growls , the hungers setting in , didnt have much of food the night before u see , so we stop at the first place we see, this small hut kinda place ,the owners woken up , hes by the fire probably makng tea, its a shanty kinda dhaba , where probably truck drivers and road workers have their first cuppa, the teas not great but the omelet and paratha , hits just the right place. As for cigarettes we have run out , so we smoke small goldflake , not bad a bit tough on the throat though, but for experienced players like us we handle it with finasse. There are these two very cute girls in the place some 6 - 7 years old cleaning bout the house , and i think to myself man she takes care of herself better than i do, so while she boils milk i have a bit of a chat with her , shes going to a muslim school , i think she meant a place where the religion is tought not education, but i wonder.

We have a large journey ahead of us so we go on . Somewehre down the road maybe 20 odd Kms away theres a traffic jam a stupid , lorrys gone and hit the pillar of a narrow bridge, no great damage to either but the roads blocked and we have to wait there for forty minutes, strike a conversation with one of the lorry drivers but then , suddenly turn a bit snobish, attitude i guess. But over all uneventfull. Then as we cruise we realise that we are travelling in a car and a car requires fuel , and ours already blinking the sign , i guess Avi is thirsty , we surge ahead and no petrol pump in sight , we get a bit panicky , i mean the car looks heavy pushing it that too on a highway , no way . Lucks with us, for we reach a petrol bunk just in time, tank full please. By three after many pee stops we reach Banglore, to my disappointment , and then after looking at the traffic to my delight we are bypassing most of the town . It strikes me this stark contrast between the banglore women and the women in hyderabad, man the hyderabadis are for sure missing out on lots.

We pass through the outskirts of banglore , more local women there yet they are much prettier than the average andhra woman , the Andhra women for some strange reason are either disproportioned or manly or both, I could get crucified for this but i simply state what i see.

Are we on the wrong track , there were no clear signages in banglore , showing us the way to Manglore, rather the signage was for a place which sounded something like Tumki , or tumkur or something like that. So so very unlike the others of our species we ask for directions. I personally have no hassels in asking for directions, its much better than getting lost, of course that is if im not in a hurry, or when i dont care where im going. This was again a panick situation ,cos according to our calculation we still needed to cover about 450 km and it was three which meant we were gonna get really late. Asking for directions is good , but then not seeing any signage to verify that direction is bad, finally after crusing for bout 50 odd minutes , ie by bout 4:00 pm we saw the signage 332 Km - Manglore. So we drove on , I was still fresh , the destination was still inviting , though i would have really liked to have just stayed back in Banglore because I also really like Banglore , and have some friends there to catch up with. Though i have never really had the chance to stay in Banglore , i really like it because its a mix of care free existence yet which is full of energy , laid back but still happening. With its lakes , parks MG road, shopping malls, book stores, tea houses, eating joints and driking holes i think its just perfect, though its expensive on a shoestring bdget like mine I dont even think i could have lasted there a day , or maybe just a day, but probably still id have to beg for the petrol.

Anyways we fly , its bout 5:0o pm now, havnt had lunch the stomachs growling once again , we reach a beautiful little place , its one of those South Indian restraunts called brindavan , i wonder why most of these places are either called Kamath , or brindavan, or shantla, i mean there are these common names, probably you could guess the name of any of these restraunts within 5 guesses. The place is so clean , and the foods amaizing , or maybe it was just the hunger , but great dosas. We refurbish oourselves and smoke a ciggy , having a pure southindian coffe, what aroma , what flavour , nescafe eat your heart out.

The evening was setting in the rains that manglore and manipal are so famous for greeted us a good 180 odd km away from Manglore, the ghats, it was night , it was foggy and the curves were the most vuluptious that i had ever seen , well almost , Simlas not too bad on those either, but it was the night and the rain that was getting to me. The journey had been long now , it was getting tiresome, tedious and basically we just needed to finish it. Though i must say that when seen in daylight its one really picturesque route, its beautifull, curves , greenery , meadows, a dirty river flowing next to the road for a bit, full of silt yet beautifull. And its great fun to drive through too in the day.

So we reah Manglore its bout 11:00 pm , we are tired infact cant even keep our eyes open , its the cigarettes that are keeping us alive, and the desire to hit Mpal. Food , im certain the hotel we are gona stay in ( Booketd through Ranga while starting from Banglore ) wont serve us, it was a last choice , no rooms available in Manipal , admission times u see. Anyways we are getting dizzy with hunger, but a stop means lost time, we choose the food, the first dhaba which we see open after Manglore, it turns out to be the only one on the route and that to vegetarian, the foods not great the teas really good. The road from Manglore to Manipal is a disaster area, it really seems like a battles taken place there, potholes, mud, diversions, and at places no road. They are actually trying to construct a 4 lane track , but right now its a mess, an the rain yet agan didnt help.

Finally 12:30 we reach manipal , as expected the hotel aint great , but the rooms big, the balconies nice , they dont serve us tea , the cable tv dosent work at present , but it dosent really matter cos we are dead tired, even too bathe, so we crash , and sleep like babies. The morning beautiful morning.

We have a plan morning the work of the transcrips to be dealt with , Ranga to be met , and basic loafering in Manipal to be done. All acomplished by bout two. Coming back to it , it was strange to see the guys in the office recognise me, i mean they even remembered my name, and asked me how Nalina was doing, it dosent pinch anymore the thought of her or of my breakup with her, the answer came out as naturally as ever, we arent togeather anymore. Its kind of strange that the pain goes away and even stranger that the guilts gone too. Being 28 and single though at times i think it might have been my biggest mistake , and yet i feel that probably i would do it again.

Met Sebastina maam , shes carrying , and very visibaly preagnant, i was shocked , at first had no clue wat to say , but then the conversation started, and it was ok , the crowd changed I mean the Manipal crowd, there are more NRIs now and quite a few people from up north , i guess to be read as delhi and also from Bihar, which in my opinion , and solely in my opinion are quite indisciplined places. Another reason that i dont really like going to the department is cos iv changed direction , and probably at one time was considered as one of their really promising students, i guess im guilty of leting them down , and also cos most of my colleagues from then are now abroad , which at present im dying to do . So i guess its a bit of failure to, but then i dont take that too seriously.

So the works done breakfast in the Hospital canteen , a new AC canteen by the way , in the hospital, it seems the old canteen that use to give us those horrible leaf idlis has become passe and is used only by the patient attendants now. The dosas still taste the same though , and it brings back a bit of Nostalgia, i cant really talk that much to Ranga yet and i know something is expected out of me , but im really glad to see him and hes really happy to see me too, and thats enough , you dont really need words at times. We go pick up his daughter whos in preschool ( man the thought has to still sink in though i have been aware of it ever since her existence, Rishika is now almost three) shes in a good mood comes too us happily , shes grown from the last time i saw her. We say our goodbyes, and promise to come for dinner in the evening, but ofcourse as soon as we leave him the plans change, thats the problem when u r travelling with friends you gota make adjustments, specially if you r travelling with just one dude.

So where are we going to Turtle bay of course, i dont really wanna go my memmories of the place dont seem to be that great, tainted i guess by my last visit there. But i really dont want to see the sea during rains. We reach there , the management has become horribly strict , coming out with these strange rules. Anyways we woo them to serve us beer and some really good fish , and we have a conversation listening to the sea. The conversations about moving on and loosing weight , probably the two most dreaded things for both of us, we give each other fundas , we plainly tell each other that we are assholes, we feel sorry for each other at least me for him , and well are just bout to hit each other , its gotten a bit messed , but then friends do that once in a while. Its really sad to see Sinu like that, but then i guess he had gone there looking for some sort of closure , i hope he found it cos theres little else he found. By the wa y TURTLE BAY WAS ASTONISHINGLY BEAUTIFUL. Anyways on the way back we buy bananas , and intricately important detail as the manipal Bananas are really famous for their flavour according to me atleast. We also took a detour to visit this rustic church and this lake that Sinus girlfriend once sat at eating sweets with her cousin, which Sinu had sent her , he ofcourse knows all this as she was on the phone describing it to him , the towns a strange little town where everyone stares at you, the street goes on till it ends abruptly into the lake as if one was suppose to drive over the lake, its beautifull , the church too was nice , atleast from the outside, the mass was in Kanada no clue wat the good man was saying , we stay ther for a bit , Sinu cries his tears while I ofcourse pee as the beers gotta come out. He is nostalgic and theres only that much that a man can take of him and the love story , but then i realise somewhere on the way out of the church , how badly it must be hurting , and im cautious and we are friends again somewehre by the time we reach back to the hotel.

The evenings setting in we are late to reach Rangas cos we were buisy picking presents, one for Rangas Daughter and the other for Sridhars, Sridhar is a friend , or an aquaintance who likes me , or liked me , we have smoked up togeather , we have drank togeather and iv met him a total of bout five times before this, but ther was some intimacy , if i were not to be leaving Manipal when i met him I think we would have been good friends. Ok so Rangas daughter is reallynaughty , and its strange to see his take on it , in a cold non emotional way he handles his daughter well , though shes a brat, and i see in him the excuses that he gives for her, its kind off strange to see the father in him, hes a really caring father and probably husband too, maybee not extremely romantic though. He had brought flowers for his wife it was her bday . Man Ranga flowers never absolutely never. We didnt speak much either there was nothing really required , but the closeness was immense and i did really feel sad leaving him.

So after tea and humungous amounts of snacs we were off to sridhars, ofcoourse after extricating a promise from ranga that he would join us after dinner at whichever place we were drinking. Sridhars become this timid man , whos always stating the fact that hes realy happy. Having married out of love , an affair that lasted a total of three months , in which he probably met her five times , i would say that really rushing things up. Anyways his daughters just one and shes a darling, his dogs pretty cute too and really timid , i mean to the extent that he would rush away as soon as you come close to him , reminds me of the cartoon courage the dog. The baby really friendly , no problems coming to Sinu , though to me she came on the second go , i guess im not really father material yet, so i state the conclusion no need for marriage for some time yet. Anyways after having a slightly strange conversation about the job , and no communication with the wife, who just stood there looking at us and then feeding her child some goo she had prepared in the mixer, I guess the kid and the dog were the most interesting of them all.

So it was me Sinu and the two kidnapped married men , with their own transport facilities to go back in case an emergency cropped at home, ar an angry spouse growled. We went to lake view a place that i had actually just visited twice , with very unfamiliar people, one Jason Divyas boi , after coming runners up in a Basketball match , there was the entire NRI gang there who had beat us, Putlur had wanted to go so we had, i really had felt out of place. And the second time was when Maneet had come for internship one month , and that time i had gone there drunk after having too many beers in the room , had puked outside it with four really pretty girls and a Sardar , one of which was my girlfriend (not the Sardar) and then had made a chiken fly ( Cooked chicken off the plate) to the plate of the hottest girl there (sadly not my girlfriend again). Anyways once i reached there i just mentioned that the place was bigger before, and the main steward who was old staff , said it was true and actually toured me all around the place, they have opened up a pub on the top with hookas and all , man really cool. Follwing this the Smirnoff was good and the conversation was about the changing student profile how they had no respect for the faculty ( since the two married men were faculty), and all i had to say was chill out and be cool , but i didnt say that , Ranga has turned out to be much cooler than expected, but i take full credit for that. Man even the conversations dont remain the same. I guess at some level it is really cool to live in Manipal , but as faculty you get really restricted from enjoying yourself, cos ur scared what the students would think, what a waste of life, though i didnt mention it to the people concerned.

We split early straight to bed , the jet lag had still not worn off. Got up late the next morning, Sridhar was there by 10:25 am , got up late by the way means by 9:30 am , i realised how much Sridhar missed his friends , i realised how stuck he was and how he was coping with affirming the opposite. I mean otherwise why would a married, working guy be there at 10:25 am , but then it could be his love for us. Man he was so lonely. Anyways off to the hospital , a patient to be met by sinu, and from there to Cosmos to drink beer, The place is atrocious now, I wouldnt go there if i was in Manipal now, the prices are exorbidant for the student community , I basically go there cos iv really spent some quality time there,cos it s air conditioned and cos i like the continental food there, specially the chicken in Mushroom sauce. I really woneder why they made it non smoking cos otherwise it might still have been ok. anyways Ranga joined us and wouldnt eat properly cos it was too expensive , trust Ranga to do something like this, i love him for it, anyways from there we went to Dolops cos its the best and more importantly we were still hungry and i wanted to go there.

I guess the best part of it all was people recognising you , like Jain , the guy who supplioed me with Cigaretted and pumped Lemon Juice into me for atleast a good two years, and whos Zippo i always had eyed, we specially traced him , they had shifted him , probably does one fourth the old business now, but i gues thats the story of the small man. The guy near sheelas , hes supplied me ciggys , specially when Marlbro reds were just 30 bucks a twenties pack, the waiter at Cosmo also did reconise me , and the guy at Dolops.Its always good visiting the past , but ofcourse theres never a comparison cos past would always seem better.

So after having a light meal at dolops it was off for us , on saturday itself , we planned to break the journey , the goodbyes were not tear full , probably we didnt even look back like they do in movies, but they were genuine and heartfelt.

Thats a long post so ill end it here as to the journey back lets hope for Trip - 2

Advice from friend - my take on it.

This is from inspration from a friend that i was in deep converstion with for the past two odd hours. Just a bit of background we parted some three years ago , we have gone through our bit of shit over the past three years,we both our single, we both hate our jobs or rather are now a bit tired of them, both of us have had our bit of broken relationships.

Anyways its something that i use to talk about till i got caught with it. Existentiality , the present day scenario, the present month scenario and so on and so forth. The race for money , the quest for love, the search for fame and the dream of adventure. All of it desires , that remain unfulfilled cos we are trying so hard to get at them , to make it happen for us.

Did you realise that most of us are at present unhappy , due to some reason or the other and that this particular unhappines is not leading us anywhere, its not that most of are doing anything to get away from this unhapiness , we crib , we cry , we get depressed at times, and at other times we try to drown it in alcohol , or maybe a parellel world, and sometimes we simply go insane.

Whats the solution to it all , well definately not geting too involved. I mean do you really think getting that new car would help you and do you really thing you wont desire the next big thing. Its so stupid this running around, this waking up and not liking the idea of being alive cos there are so many things that you have not acheived and which seem for far beyond you.

Did you ever realise that this existentiality has actually stopped you from thinking about the bigger picture, because you are too buisy thinking about existence itself. And actually if you had thought clearly about it you nmight have acheived it by now.

The solution - the way of the mad man .

Dont worry about it, about the love youv lost , about the job that you wanted, about the future, about the past , about where you would be in three years , or five years or thirty for that matter of fact. About hating your boss, about being in love with him , about the boring job, or age.

(Its a strange realisation , iv had it in me for years, my problems more two pronged , theres existentiality at one level and theres philosophy at the other , so either its to detailed or its to wide a spectrum, and in both of these I havnt been able to see myself.)

I suddenly realise that in truth over the past one year I havnt really had a thought of my own , its been somthing that derived out of pressure , either parental , or societal, man i dont give a shit no more , not now atleast , and its complete euphoria in a strange relatively placid way.
I wish you could share wat i feel at present , i really wonder if you would see it that way , probably all this nonsensicle thought is really nonsensicle , but i ned to share it with you cos you need to understand it somewhere down the line. My desire at present is to make you happy , not just happy but truly satisfied.

I cant really say that tomorrow I would practice all that i have learnt today , but atleast the realisation is a begining. Thank you dear friend for your gift of patience , of retrospection and of lessons that you have learnt from life, it has helped me in strange ways to place myself within the picture. To tomorrow then a brigther day than today , for the rest of our lives.

The pain is an illusion all else is real

Love the elixer of life the poison of souls.

An ode to the disaster thats waiting to happen at some time to everyone , and the repurcussions that remain after its all over .

I have lived a blessed life , beauty and good friendship has usually graced me , wherever Iv gone. For the past three years though its been different life has been tough living isolated , from them or rather just getting fleeting glimpses, has made me different in strange ways , in ways that i dont even think of. Yet sometimes a question arises which needs answering, and it has happened again. And that is when i return back to normality .

No im not in love not this time , that seems to allude me for some strange reason and to tell u the truth im mostly happy for it. Cause love gives tremendous pain, but then i still think its one of the most important feelings to exprerience , its something that makes us complete. I have left so many halfs behind now , that i woneder what exists of me , and yet in strange moments of sunlight , under strange constalations i see myself more complete than i could ever be , having best of what i wanted from them .

I cant really say all endings are happy , i cant even say that everything will be ok or the pain goes away , it dose become duller and you to tend to forget it at times , but then it comes back in strange places under strange circumstances to wake you up in the middle of the night but then it is sweeter.

And then you wait for it to happen again , for that sweet memmory to become reality again and at times it does at times it dosent . But it dosent matter in the end cos life dose turn full circle.

Prepared to be prepared.

Confusing aint it , I was reading a book in the morning , well the basic schedule of a lil bit of bathroom reading. And i came across this small bit about visions of paradise and well vitriol in life , I uss quite a few of you mightr have guessed the book if you have read it.

Anyways and it was funny how we keep on waiting for a miracle to happen and we are not really ready for it , i mean the miracles acdtually waiting for us to happen before it h\can happen , and the viciousness continues , we wait it waits and finally there is adisappointment.

Yes im sitting in office for the past two odd hours Iv been trying to search the serial number of a CD that i need installed in my system, sadly enough to no avail though , labour lost to well absolutely nothing.

To the ones who have missed me , i was waiting to buy my new Sony Vaio ( New to me atleast). And well yes I have finally bought it. Its soo bloody good looking. Iv bought it some time now though I still post this from my office .

It dawns on me today that we most of us atleast are all wannabees , we always morn the loss of oppertunities that we have lost or which we have allowed to pass away .

In the middle a New colleague joins and old one orients him , and suddenly some where in the middle of that conversation is the regret of not having done an MBA , the pain is so evident and yet the fool will never do it, because he feels himself not capable of doing it, or rather makes the excuse of not doing it.


Its strange how we are always finding new ways of limiting ourselves, never really doing anything that we really want cos we believe we will fail or maybe cause we are simply too lazy. I thuink the first one is the stronger cause.

I guess somewehre in him i saw myself a faint image , self delluding and an escapist , I mean if ones comfortable with it , which again is an excuse. Its really a strange world aint it.

Im Bored

OK lets put it clearly at the very beginning , this blog entry would most probably end up being a very boring and nonsensical entry as its completely out of boredom that I write and it may be full of whining too.

Nowthat u have been warned lets go. I'm bored to the core today, I'm bored not cause i have nothing to do , but rather I'm in no mood to do it , and coz I'm lazy. I'm suppose to be searching for colleges with vigour and ferocity but rather I'm living this insipid, mundane life , where there's no fire under no ones arse.

My friend , colleague left for Kerela , today , hes left for good , and I'm not certain whether that's good or bad as of yet. Not that he was the most interesting of chaps but he was crazy enough to do things that I felt like doing. hahah .

My conversations with my parents are well changing in character, from nonsensical heeloos they have come to focus on two basic things now. Have u applied, y r u so lazy and yes the most dreaded of them all Marriage. I thought I had matured to this fact that marriage is somewhere on the cards , but now that my moms planning to really start looking , my stomachs kinda turning . Well escape is always better i say .

My other friend is planning to get married somewhere in Nov Dec. The Odessey of the four Bachelors ( One of them a married bachelor) has finally come to an end. our Quartet has turned to a Triad and that too is till Dec after which , baby I'm on my own. Not a very exciting thought , but well its easier to cope with it now.

The fourth dude , from another sphere a different connection plans to leave town in June July . So u can get the picture theres nothing really cheerful left to do . I think ill stop smoking , stop drinking and probably just as well take a Vow of celibacy and turn into a freaking monk.

My friend the stinky Borgoyari as usual has been giving me insane advice, but then that's all i can expect from here. But its fun , i have finished my conversation with her for the day and well the excitements over.

My frigging tele has no cable connection , i took it out before the GMAT Long Long time back , and well I'm too lazy to get the guy to put it again , in addition to that I think the television can have a real dangerous effect on my already non existent Social life. So its bye bye to the telly anyway.

My jobs gotten boring , the team sucks , the managers got no time , and well no balls either. The appraisals gonna suck too i know of it already , and by the way i still haven't worked on my appraisal form. So that's a very happy notion. Plus the insanities of life as it is I have realised that in work atleast i need some direction , created either by me or the boss , sadly enough as of recent days it all seems to be useless and purposeless, yes the occupancies good and the targets well we r a bit below them. But you get the drift theres no more fun. I think that went away three months after i joined . I want to do something daring but i guess i lack the balls too . That's enough bout work .

The good part of life - readings back , bloggings back and well i think maybe u don't but i feel that I'm writing much better all of a sudden. I'm feeling bored but not depressed , in fact I'm feeling quite happy and content somewhere inside of me, though whats causing it is something that i have no clue bout. Oh and another thing i have this very strong intuition that I'm quitting smoking for good tomorrow onwards. Lets see if it works.

OK now I'm bored .

The Partys over

Well a little bird flew near my ear and whispered "the drums wont beat any more , the musics gonna stop, the alcohols already running dry , the beats have all died. Roll over today and die cos the partys over honey pie.

Well Gmats over now a week exactly, it came it went , and well i did midocrally well , satisfied, releived id say . The party didnt happen , the feet were tired , the head was heavy, i just went numb . A little bit alcohol to infuse some life into me, and a solitary evening at home, well spent. Spent.

The days that were after was a blurr, alcohol , dancing , friends , birthday , and some more alcohol. It all began with a small car warming party , that stretched into the night, and a bit of the next day .

the Birthday came after , and that too was a bliss. Yes i did get one year older, and no it dosent really bother me. Friends gathered like fistfull of sunshine , insane conversations about place and time , spatio - temporal warp , and may be a time machine somewhere in the midlle. Beautifull drunk women sadly enough just seen . So much more to do in life so many experiences left untouched.

The coffe in the middle , while browsing thru books , the search for a laptop that would be good. The dillies and dallies of life its , the heloows and farewells packed away as if they were luggage, from a journey that ended and a new one begun .

Discoveries of new places heaven and hell. Alcohol to sooth us to make us merry men, the music was blaring it gave me a call , and we danced away till woken from the dream , the awakening a shatter a kick in the spleen .

About love , bout life , bout lust and grief , about nirvana and redemption bout renunciation and ascetism , a movie i watched , it was a beauty it was real . and there we sat by the
river in the dream and it was over , i say goodbye to him , i say goodbye to her , and then its real life , and work to be done .

The partys over the grinds begun , applications , and headaches all seem to be my chums, and writing insane unconnected thoughts , i really wonder where itll end .

To future my dear to escaping.

The curious incidence of the Cricket Match

Its about one am while i post this. Iv just returned from a cricket match the shorter version of it , in fact the lean mean and super trimmed version of the shorter version, yes I refer to the 20 20's . A fantastic high paced game , filled with adrenaline and glamour. I guess for me it happens to fast sometimes, I mean before you even realise the opposition's chased the score.


However i will not get ahead of myself here, so lets take it a bit slow, it all began with free tickets to watch the 20 20 IPL cricket match between the Deccan Chargers and the Delhi Dare Devils, that i found myself to be in possession of through a guy who works for a radio station. Interesting chap who's handling a small advt for us and more importantly who finds me interesting enough to chat with at times. After a good chat with him I suddenly became the proud bearer of three IPL tickets I had no clue wat to do with them , however after telling Bhaskar a work colleague and wooing Alex a bugger I had the necessary trio required . So after waiting anxiously for the clock to strike six , and completely ignoring our works, we set of for the adventure.

This was my first experience of a live cricket match, well to tell u the truth i guess it was a bit disappointing to realise that the tickets we had were not the premium ones , and after travelling thru maddening rush and hunting for the parking space we were finally there. Id say we had the best seats possible the first row , right next to the ground, beautiful, and to add to it 4 luscious Australian cheerleaders , in really small skirts jumping bout man that's life.

However i realised after sometime that having cheerleaders in really small and tight clothes so close to you can have its own demerits, for one you don't watch too much of the match you'd miss the four cos u were too busy staring at some fair skinned girls waist, and secondly ur not the only one they attract thered be a million people who like you would like to have that glimpse of the fair skin.
This is my take on having cheerleaders in Indian cricket matches , i think at some level we are not yet prepared for it , id say not even in Mumbai and definitely not in Hyderabad. Not in Hyderabad cos every second fellow including me thinks he s Imran Hashmi ( the serial kisser of murder fame), and well we are definitely cheap . I t angered me at first to see those yucky people wearing bathroom slippers and dancing obnoxiously to get the attention of the maidens. And well then i realised that maybe id not dance for them but i like the entire male population present there age no bar was ogling at the women , and well would have liked a chance with one of them if it were possible. It saddened me to see people high on testosterone take pictures movies etc of these women , in retrospection if i had known they allowed Mobile phones inside id be one of them too , I'm definite about that.

Anyways as the match went , it was quite pathetic the home team that i was rooting for maybe not full hearted , showed a dismal performance, with just a bit of the glitter towards the end of the inning. A 30 run over is good and to have Adam gilcrist hit one towards your stand and u seeing it being caught in the third row is downright eggciting. So the cheers were on and the cheerleaders did egg us on and we them. The second innings with Shehwag creaming the shit out of the home team was really good, i mean quality cricket , sixes really long and fours at breakneck speeds. I never realized the ball travelled that fast. Glen Mc Grath is really tall and pretty broad , and Andrew really has a bohemian hairdo, Afridi has a strange beard and bad throws, Vass is really dark, Shehwag packs a punch and the game is full of life.

We lost but it was fun , the cheerleaders were the highlight for me , it made me realise how Indian I am no matter what i say, or is it just a part of being a male. The end was bad , worst a flying water packet that hits the cheerleader a pretty girl in early twenties , smack on the back . And all i can feel is apologetic , for the disrespect we showed , for the lewed remarks, for the burning stares, for the watering tongues , for the obscene gestures , for the millions present there who wouldn't even realise that this all happened.

So the match was fun , we even stole a few bottles of coke, well i guess those are the things that you do when u get a chance. We cheered till our voices were hoarse, we jumped till our legs hurt , we even tried the Mexican wave. If i get another chance i think id go maybe this time for the cricket, but if cheerleaders are there cant say i wont ogle , but ill try not to.


Good night.