Its been long has it, Im happy im escaping it all for a bit, a good 5 days in which id be traveling most of the time but luckily only nights. So where is this destination, well I cant really say its destination unknown, well its Bangalore. I know loads of ppl out there are thinking this fellow is of his rockers, what about all the plans, well sometimes they just don’t work and I don’t really think I can wait even one more second.

So it is an impulse decision, something rather out of my character I think, but then maybe not. Well it all was instigated by this small conversation and this urgent need to meet the person being spoken too, strange enough though this time its not even a woman.

Well let me here introduce to you a bespectacled friend of mine, who probably for half his life thought he was called Anoop because he was born in Poona and Anoop is Poona in reverse. Well you can well imagine what would be the product of such a tragedy so early in life. No offenses to Poona in any way. (Disclaimer)

Well yes this not so young genius friend of mine has been a pal since college days well actually just a year when you think about it, and well just a friend when you think about it, but what days, so I wonder whether this whole meeting is in remembrance to the days that were or whether we really will live it up. Either ways I think it will help. Those conversations probably completely and utterly neurotic still somehow do make sense . I will have them again, to have my full of babble and wisdom from asses mouth.

It never ends with us, I mean it’s quite rare that you kind of pick it up where u left it to move on, well that’s the way it is with him. I have had these friends before lost somewhere in the mist of time to be picked up again , I know ill meet them and it will be the same.

So cheers to you all A merry Christmas, may the drinks never end and the haze never clear to live happily in the wonderland where few have gone the few who dared.

Well the ending had to be dramatic u see and completely out of context to proove that i suffer from flight of ideas.

ramblings once again

Days are bad and nights are worst, ok so let this be a thing that I started but not completed. There is no rhyme in this one it seems to have gone somewhere far away the music and the play.

Ok life’s on track the way it should be I guess, things are happening though there is a bit of misery. Here I rot in this place called XXXXX well this is not my home and it will never be. So I wonder in the middle of strangers, what’s really the difference haven’t I always walked amongst them.

But the trouble is here I meet people, people who pose a threat to me and I to them, but then hasn’t it been the same forever. Well nothing has changed its just that the will to fight is gone. But it’s because of you that I carry on. I will win this battle that’s sure but to tell you the truth I don’t care anymore. Battles are empty and so are the bottles, I guess nothing has changed has it really.

I live in a world which is not mine, will I be me when its over and done, I wonder.

Ok so a bit of random thoughts, life has shaped me ort have I shaped her, was it my imagination or was it true, if it were true then whys the bubble burst. Well I guess the worlds an illusion, but I always thought I was the master of it all, I guess not anymore or is it. I pushed at the right time but I push wrong.



Illusions , delusions and imagination all created a spell that has burst antd the harsh ugly face of reality shows its face.

That’s it. This is over ill right some other time n some other frame of mind, when thoughts will sore and so will I. Ill be HIGH. HaHaHaHaHah………..

The Elm tree

Sitting here by the Elm tree
I feed myself biscuits and tea
Feel so helpless it can’t be
My soul feels hollow, it’s empty

Mirror, mirror show me, me
What has happened it can’t be
Is it really a piece of reality?
This delusional world lacks clarity

People crying, people dying
Living in prostitution and poverty
Mirrors breaking, hearts too
A fool’s paradise a misery

Spaces places everything colliding
Thought and action at war,
Boundaries merged and non confiding
Everything’s just a blur

Confusion rages and so does anger
Every man for himself
I stand here by the elm tree
Looking on in dismal spell

Curses , blows bombs are falling
Everything going Pell-mell
I stand here I feel dizzy
This horrible sickening smell

The smell of blood on the streets,
There out to klill all
I will be the first victim
For I don’t care anymore

I know this is an abrupt ending
But not everything has to be complete…

IT HURTS

Its been almost a year now i guess since i started posting , and well over 40 blogs not bad i must say. Well the dams are breaking once again and everything seems to flood .

Well when it comes it really does come in hoards, everything overflowing thoughts, emotions ,beliefs being challenged the only thing that remains is the action, is it the calm before the storm , or is it that all sinews have broken and its the calm of defeat. Questions , when everything is at stake you really wonder wats happening, at times you dont even realise things , you maybe keep them in your unconcious delibarately i think i suffered that one till now. Throughout the day and maybe for days now this thought , this reality has tried to surface in my concious and every second i push it away to dive again in either loads of work or in something else. I have deliberately blanked out my mind, my memory my thought cos it hurts . It hurts. .............It Hurts.

Well and now once again i am fighting my demons , telling myself they are not true when i already know the morning will rudely wake me up to a reality that my concious is not willing to believe.

It could have been better it could have been better , i wish it was better.

Well everything i touch right now sems to be turning to dust i myself feel like it. I just dont want to think i dont want to do anything, i dont want to be alone i dont want to be with anyone , existence hurts . It Hurts.

I know this is not the first time someone has felt like this well there is no comparison . So lets leave it at this. Im having a really bad day.

Functionality retained just emotions drained, flowing flown , emptied

Dazed and Confused

Well here I am once again at the door, the door that I long to enter, a door that has eluded me forever. Or is it me who runs away from the door?

Every night I dream of what lies behind. Every morning the dream seem so real that it hurts, that feeling of being there yet not having arrived. Well it lingers throughout the morning that feeling of just about being there, that taste still fresh in the mouth , like the first drop of rain on a warm torrid skin.

Tormented I have been with my own thoughts. The thoughts of tomorrow the thoughts from yesterday, forgotten and forgiven, and yet they boil somewhere within me . Blistering they come to the surface that thing that desire that obsession. It rises as the day passes by . The pain increasing becoming more horrid more intolerable more delirious.

Night falls , and I cant bare it anymore this thought. Crazy, insanity , I always thought I was there and yet I feel now that I was just at its borders and now I travel in theses enchanted forests to be lost forever to be dazed. The night has come the beautiful night the night when the lunatics come out to roam free on the streets. I join them too to be one with them but somehow in the end I never find me.

Confused I walk the streets of faith looking for my own destiny, its a maze, I cant see anymore the haze too thick to see even the back of my hand. I look for her in the shadows but all I find is a dream a dream again I find in her. The Dream of faith.

Dazed and confused for so long its not true, what was I looking for I have forgotten now. So now I search a search unknown , dazed and confused, dazed and confused.....

everlasting night

Pain and suffering seem mere childs play,
things to derive pleasure from
the finality of the decision
is where the pleasure is born
Movement has been an essence,
will i ever stay still,
Wild horses too can be tamed,
all it requires is will.

Will to be, the will to do
what it takes to make it through,
the will to sacrifice to be born anew,
the will to hold you still.
Sweet pleasure sweet pain it is
to see you the way i do ,
but darling there was no other way
no other way that i could do.

There is a break and the thought is lost
lost forever in mistery
was this what i always wanted
was it what was meant to be
Seperation already is a feeling
a phantom haunting me deep inside
all i know is whatever happens
I could never satiate this appetite
the hunger i feel is so intense
everything melting including sense
And then once again a star will shine
forever yours forever mine
A dream to cling to
A dream to die for
a Dream a Dream for everlasting night.

GUEST APPEARENCE 1

Look in the mirror and tell me just what you see?What have the years of your life taught you to be?Innocence dyin' in so many ways..Things that you dream of are lost..Lost in the haze...Hold on..Hold on to yourself..For this is gonna hurt like hell...Hold on..Hold on to yourself..you know that only time will tell...What is it in me that refuses to believe...This isn't easier than the real thing!
My love,,you know that you're my best friend,,you know I'd do anything for you
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me... the man I love is leaving
Hold on...hold on to yourself...for this is gonna hurt like hell!!
Lead me to your river..The one that flows eternally..Kiss me with your whisper..As you breathe new life into me!! I lift my hands to you..And I know that you feel me. In presence I stand alone..But I know that you’re here with me...
I give my heart my soul my life to you..I give myself surrender all, all to you!

Farewell

Delight, favor, fated misery all is in his hands or was it my hands im to drunk on life to remember now. Is it drunk or is it drugged, from a known present I leap into a new future, from, love I leap to success, never knowing what I left behind or what I ill get in the future. I know what im leaving behind, I know how much it means to me I leave it in the hope of gathering it all together once again when I have an identity of my own.

Sometimes there seems to be a definitive plan to life and then in one stroke of genius god just changes everything, funniest is that it is never without my will. So I sit here willing all that is happening to stop and yet willing that it all happen too so finally I can bring a catharsis to this journey called life.

Good luck to all that I leave behind forever, my love to all that I leave behind in sorrow to be one with them somewhere in the future, Happiness to those who I cherish and those who have left their mark on my life. Sweet miseries to those whose lives I have marked may you all remember me as a sweet memory and nothing more to be relived in a brighter future.

Doors open up and I pass, I enter this tunnel of light only to realize that I am leaving a portion of me behind a portion that loves the darkness, or is it that from a definitive clarity I enter the world which is fogged by delusions, oh well after all the whole bloody world is an illusion. I exist and so do u forever in our memories in our pasts in pour hopes in our dreams.

Future appears like a reflection in the water clear at times blurred at others, distorted by every stone of emotion that skims across its surface, and there I see glimpses of you of us of what might be or of what could have.

Ah sweet misery I detest you, ah sweet misery you are dear to me, ahh sweet misery I will miss u, ah sweet misery I am yours I hold you I engulf you I surrender to you.

Memories that live on forever to be cherished at times, memories that leave tears on your pillow and you lie to yourself its just water from last night’s dew. Walking in the rain you leave behind a part of you mixed with the water, tears camouflaged, tears hidden, pain so strong that you really have to push every sinew to the brink of breaking just to control it,
Pain so intense that it sends out a silent scream in the night to be heard only by you. A pain so sweet that I would not have it any other way a pain that only I feel. .

Good-bye sweet people, good-bye sweet life, till we meet again sweet love
I will miss you all.

Peace

Dear all, ths is to just let you know that i have completely lost it finally and as usual in insanity i have found peace, i have made some major changes in my otherwise rotten lifestyle, basically meaning iv been off the bottle for bout a month.

Wat next well im making a career move and Well at the same time im trying to search for myself once again and well iv found someone special.

Well i find myself in her every day and every night well thats a new one to me too so no comments on that one please. Ok so anyways most of the time life seems to be a misery because the future seems so uncertain . and yet after all this uncertainty i find peace within me

i dont really understand at times that how come after so much of stagnancy, my life is so mobile all of a sudden.

Well now you all must be thinking this guy surely is strange hes so different fgrom the regular creator of thios blog , its not really a different me its just a different part of me , i m no different from what i was before thew only difference here is that i have a new facet to me which was not there befor

Ok now id like to tell you about how peace feels, it feels good to be doing all that i am doing , it seems to be in somuch harmony with myself, with me my environmment. It seems like all my body as well as the nature around me is conspiring to just make things happen,. It feels llife flowing with a stream unconcious yet concious not caring yet aware. It feels beautiful.

It feels like everything is happening naturally, falling into place for the good, even if at present it seems bad. Its a feeling of immense joy, its a feeling of immense sadness, its a feeling of wherwe they meet. I think one would probably find peace only if he feels boht extremes and thats what i feel.

Anger Unfolded & Engulfed

Today is no different from yesterday and probably no different from what it would be tomorrow. My head spins though today which was not happenin yesterday and it aches too thats the consequence of to much thibnking at times. Why lord do you give to me this unique gift of thought at times i wish i was a vergetable just without a thought blank for a second. Aah Freedom

Love, life, memmories, job , family. I dont want any of this at present i want nothing for the moment i want to block it all out yet , i somehow am getting pulled back into this swamp of misery, no matter much i run

Things havent changed, neither have the people around me, i think its me in this ever changing world either i have become stuck , or the whole world has.

Well im looking for solutions still, when will i get them i wonder.

Conclusions after 26years of being alive

Finally I have found peace, peace with myself , yes there are moments that life seems to be tumbling a bit to fast , but yet there are other times when everything around me is at peace everything is in harmony with itself.

Harmony
Harmony what a strange word normally we associate it with music or celestial harmony, that’s what we search for is it not. Where everything you do is in harmony with life itself, with everything around you. There is no discord at present just this sense that soon there will be discord and everything will break, but there is a equal chance that the harmony persists. The harmony is more important to me, I don’t want to fret or worry about when discord comes as I feel that fretting would cause me loss of this harmony much before the event actually occurs.

Attitude
That’s another thing I am developing in myself over these few years a very positive outlook. Sometimes I wonder if the bubble ever bursts what would happen would it break me the way it broke me before. Well I feel like the phoenix at present arising again from ashes to stay here forever.

Work
Work is strange at times and yet there are other times when works really my own, I mean the ownership is intense. Well it doesn’t seem strange to tell you the truth, I have come to the conclusion that probably being in a stagnant frame of mind, or rather state of emotion would be strange, the things that I love I do hate at times. Probably that’s me, and work is one of those aspects that I do love and hate at the same time. The sense of responsibility I feel towards my profession is overburdening at times and at times its just a part of me, so natural that I cant help it, Its just me.

Solitude
Well I have come to another conclusion in my life solitude at times is a killer and at others it’s a healer. At present its both, which again is strange but you know what its in harmony with me, reminds me of those days in Mumbai when I was in extreme peace with myself loving my solitude and at times running away from it into crowds of known people and at others running to unknown crowds just to intensify that feeling of solitude, it is beautiful.

Relationships
Yes this is a part that I love its about friends and kin, kin is a strange word a word gone out of use now though I think, but its such a beautiful word, my kin sounds good doesn’t it, sounds kind of like my kingdom, my people. Well most of my people are away from me and I am distancing myself from all of them, the truth is they are my people the people that ill carry somewhere inside of me throughout my life. My friends, my healers, my company, my companions, my joy. Its kind of strange that you at times take your kin for granted. Well this is just to let them know that they are all special to me somewhere which I might not express but they are all important to me, they are my beautiful past, they are my beautiful present and they will be my future too. They are me and I them. They are the ones that i would turn to when im happy , they are the ones id turn to when im sad they are the people who will always remain. I am there for you and you there for me and I know it.

Love
In what ways do I tell you how I love you, what ever I say would not be enough whatever I do would not be enough.
Love well its one of those things which actually ends up messing your life completely, complete chaos, completely irrational, yet the most agreeable, harmonious state to be in. What says you khalid bhai. Well I will take opinion from my friends who have felt it and whom I know feel it still and would feel it till eternity. That is true love rest all is infatuation that we pass through in our lives I have gone through a lot of things thinking them to be love, believing it so much that I actually wanted to make it love. Well love is something, which will not let you sleep, and yet it would give you the most vivid, beautiful dreamz ever. These are things that im learning as I pass through life. New experiences new thoughts, new feelings where were all of these for the past 26 years of my life. Everything at present seems to be quite pure and quite natural. I guess even lust seems such a pure thing when you are actually in love Its an intense hunger that you want never to end, It’s a hunger which feeds you, but it never gets satiated.

God
Well this one is a slightly controversial issue, my apologies to those whom I offend, just take it as a different point of view, Its how I see him/ her not how I want others to see. (I don’t really know whether he’s/she’s a he or a she, but for convenience I will use he.

Well he’s there for sure, looking thinking, messing up our lives at times and solving things for us at others. Its like this, he does test you but with every test he gives you he gives a learning, that you are suppose to take in by the end of it. He wants us to become like him, after all we are made in his image. He wants us to become all knowing, unfazed by all that happens around us. Its our failure entirely if we cant be like him , he’s trying, imagine his dismay when u loose faith because you think he’s being a bit to rough, well gods a difficult issue.

Well for one he is me and I him, its just that I don’t know it yet, its unconscious, I will find him one day till then all I have to do is just believe and then one day smack I will be enlightened and I will be a part of him. Well I wait when that happens I think it might be quite nice, till that time I will live my life with all its joys and problems’, knowing everything has a reason behind it. It’s his little game one day it will be mine too and then ill enjoy every bit of it; there will be no delusions and no illusions just joy.


Well I think ill end this one here other wise it will take u guys ages to read it and then u would know me a little bit more, So adios amigos enjoy and do let me know what’s your version of the above. What have you learnt?

Forests of solitude

Honesty has always been a value that I have honoured, I apologise to those that I have hurt by being honest, my apologies to myself at times.

Well today I tell you a story about a man, he was honest at heart but at times he just wouldn’t say a word because it bothered him to see people that he liked being hurt. He would bend to their whims at time just to please them, but with every thing that he chose to keep inside him he gained hatred. People would not even realise that the love or respect that he had felt for them at times was turning bitter with every forced bow that he made to them, or every step that he took away from his principles to please them. It could be felt it was shown but never talked about, the love did surface most of the times but with every step that he took away from himself he hated himself.

Sad the world didn’t live by his standards, sad that no one cared, sad that he chose to move away from his principles, sad he grew the way he grew. Sad the world didn’t understand him, sad he couldn’t love anyone because of the intense hatred that he had kept inside. One day he just blew, blew quietly though into the forests of solitude he ran to mend himself again piece by piece bit by bit. He swore he would never love anyone not even as a friend. But alas life takes a turn and the heart does flee. Is the story about to begin again?

My apologies to all that I have hurt, my apologies to myself. For whatever I do I think the place that I belong is the place where I began the forests of my own solitude.


Good night sweet darlings of the past good night sweet fairies, may the angle be with you as soon as he finds himself.

excuse no nth

Sorry tried writing in today mind dosent seem to be working or maybe its working a lil too much all i want say is that i wont be able to write toinight

HOLD ON

Deprived of sleep for god knows how long, feeding on what i dont even remember, living life in the fast lane i guess. Hold i say it will burn you out, hold i say before the sanity succumbs to this whirlwind of thoughts, of images, of feelings of illusions and dillusions .


Hold on little girl let me be the one for you hold on hold on to this last thread that you have, hold on till you can survive, hold on for survival. Hold on for me , hold on for eternity. Hold on .


Rambling thoughts pass by so fast like i was in a fast train just experiencing the speed and the walls go by one by one. They dessipate into nothingness, and i get exposed , layer by layer. Hold on i dont want to be naked hold on i cant take it , holed on oh please hold on .


So here i lie in my bed holding on to every shred, memmories coloured sadly in black ad red. Hold on oh dream of mine.Hold on oh dream so fine, Hold on give me some time. Hold on .Hold on , hold on Hold on Let us test time and we will find eternity

A stranger in the mirror

I have lost all that I had a long time ago and yet I think my pockets are full. A journey began probably as an orgasm but all was unconscious where are those days, those unknown memories of being born under the sky. I don’t remember whether I laughed or cried but birth must have been a pleasure im pretty sure a change of scenery would have pleased me if nothing else.

Lost and found were the days of childhood, of everything getting written in this heart of mine to be erased by something new. Each experience for the first time, the first breath of air, the first sip of water, the first morsel of food, the first drop of rain, the first kiss goodnight. Oh I long for those firsts those first tastes unforgettable yet forgotten with use.

Life is beautiful but then don’t listen cos I am insane with fear with laughter, with indifference, with love, with hate with ambition and with pain. Things do happen and they don’t really always seem good but then it’s important to keep in mind that they had to happen if you were to move on.

. Youth my dear friend is a lot and the sad part is it gets over to soon at times, and yet there are those who do last forever and I think I am one of them for after all I am immortal.

Time is such a commodity that sometimes it goes on forever and yet at others it vanishes too fast. Where has it gone was it too long or is it that I just felt it that way. Or was that time too short or may be its just that I felt it that way. So immensely accurate and yet once its gone it becomes mouldable, to be stretched or recoiled in the mind of man. To be cramped in recesses and had like wine.

Age is it really a question. Or is it an answer to time?

I could go on but I choose not to , this is a strange me a serious man who I think was hidden somewhere till alas misery found him, I find him interesting, because he’s different from what I was. I am scared for he is different from what I was. I let him write here in this sacred place of mine because I like what he writes. It is a different me every time. A stranger in the mirror and yet they are all me hidden somewhere. Oh how much id like to compile them all together into one being. And the irony of it all is that I was born a concoction of genes from two like you all and yet I look for the one that I am.

Death Becomes her

Death Becomes her

An old title heard somewhere before. I created her and I killed her, how long did it take was it an eternity or just a few seconds. Drunken stupor, mixed emotions, fear being a prime factor in it all. Was it fear or was it survival. Depths unknown and Questions as usual never answered.

Past oh glorious past where are you now. At times I wish there was a reincarnation a rebirth to become pure. This cruel life is a torture, was past the same, I don’t remember, is it a new beginning all together, a choice one makes to forget, and yet is it possible to forget. I have these images in my head which come flashing back as soon as I see something. They blind me and at other times enlighten me. I wish they would just stop and let me be indifferent, indifferent to this world. I cherish the past but I don’t want it any more, god take it all away. A new life, everyday. Every night I die and every morning im born again, good words I like them I think ill follow.


I have wondered often what is more important survival or greatness. It haunts me and the more I question myself the more complicated it gets. And so I remain clueless surviving and searching for greatness. Strange I can’t even stop to pick up the pieces before I have to move again. The journeys long and the path meandering. Destination so far and to tell you the truth it too is unknown.

Dazed and confused for so long that I don’t remember how it was before. Today is the day id like to forget. I want to just shrink or be invisible just for the day, the hatred I feel at present is killing me and yet I live on normal. Physically safe and sound yet mentally blemished. Ugly is the word that defines the way I feel today about myself and the world.
So as I kill myself for the day and all that it has stood for I just look for one last second at wad it was and what it could have been.

Tomorrow though is a new beginning



Snippet
Thought id type something on one of my most favourite topics morality, I always said morality sways and it does, I always said that the clear line between good and bad is to faded, I still say the same. But there is a conscious and it does stab u if u do what you consider wrong, but you might not always see the things that you saw in the past as being wrong in the same light. Change my dear friend is inevitable.

ITS BEEN REALLY LONG

ITS BEEN REALLY LONG HASN’T IT? AND I WRITE THIS ALL IN CAPS TO EMPHASISE THE POINT. Well it feels good to be back I think I had a writers block well since im not really a writer I think I might have gotten it from somebody else like most of my ideas.

Well its out now so all that iv written in my previous meanderings were just ideas that I have picked over this short life of mine, from various different people, and readings. Now that confession is over its time to either feel light-hearted or to feel the guilt and shame yet I don’t feel either of this. I think I have become a bit indifferent to emotions over the brief existence that iv had out of the cocoon of something known as formal education.

Well today we will try to solve the mystery of my disappearance, well to begin with I think I didn’t meet any interesting people whose little bits I could put on paper and enjoy the feeling of having written something. Another reason could be the simple fact that I was not really in the mood for all of this and whatever the shit anyone says you have to bee in this certain frame of mind to write. I think I was trying to struggle to figure things out to put them on paper. Well life has been a bit hectic on top of that the bloody schedule just becomes busier and man time just flies. Ok now I think I have gotten over the excuses too. So im bloody Lazy wat u gonna do about it. The confrontation is over too, wat next. Well I think ill just jot some thoughts down now.

Fundas of life & Luv
1) You never get what you want when u want it
2) The water in the shower will always run out when u have the soap in ur eyes
3) You present state is the best its gonna be but ud never realise it till it passes
4) Love stinks but its ur fait to fall for someone or the other in ur life and most probably it would be the wrong person the first time
5) First love will always be the strongest no matter how shitty the guy or girl was
6) Once you r out of luv u would swear by god that love stinks and then u will go ahead and put yourself through it all over again
7) Sex on the beach might sound exotic but the grains of sand stuck to ur butt will hurt
8) Bad things will happen and u will get over them
9) Good things will happen and they will get over you.
10) You will never be alone as long as u can have conversations with yourself and inanimate things, yes people might call u crazy , but then if ur still reading this I think u must be quite batty like me
11) Being crazy at times is a boon cos with it u get the fools licence.

takin stock

Sometimes , one needs to take stock of ones life, though the real need to do so is very often, sadly man in is buisy schedule forgets bout this, yes he does remember what he has achieved but he looses track of what all he has lost, unless one find day he wakes up and sees a stranger in the mirror, the face is the same but the composition the thoughts are someone else’s, and he then misses what is not there now which was once his, what was once him, and which now he cant even remember.

I don’t want to be that man, yet I think I have crossed the fine line already the line separating sanity and insanity. Though the sad part is that the transition has been actually a rational one. I have moved away from the reams of insanity which was once so natural, so much mine into this never land of people with blurred faces and indistinguishable sounds that talk to me all the time. The voices in my head at least disturbed me when I wanted them too and they always had something interesting if not practical to say. Now the voices say things that I cant decipher and what I cant follow, and thus I become immobile, kinda stuck in this deep swamp of people lost in what is right and what is wrong, im not the judge anymore.

Its kind of strange that at times when its most required the ability of decision making completely abandons a man, but the sense is still there its just that I don’t trust myself anymore cos I know im not mad enough.

But then isn’t everybody a bit batty, and if its like that then no one is cos after all not everyone can be mad, or am I the only sane one in this insane world striving to survive against a tide which sometimes drowns me and at other times is even too shallow to wash my feet in.

The drowning would have been good at least it would mean an end, however its just a choking feeling like being under water, and then when ur too tired to struggle against it when uv given up there is a bit of an undercurrent and then you get a breath and the struggle begins once again.
I think when im happy I write these kind of thoughts and when the feeling of drowning arises I look for humour in it , I know that at another time in another world this same tide would be just a layer of froth on my feet. When im on top I take stock and then when im down I just laugh at it.

change

Well nothing stops me from this misdeed of putting my thoughts down on the stupid notebook and then publishing them on the blog to corrupt innocent minds. So I apologise beforehand and promise that as always I will not make any sense this time too. Hurray for consistency.

Well I wrote cos I felt liked playing with my thoughts there hasn’t been any new omissions or additions to my knowledge as of today. Its no different from yesterday, sometime time seems to stand still and everything is the same the same as yesterday and the same s tomorrow, all insipid experiences nothing potent enough to remember all watered down stuff.

Well congratulate me for I have gained one experience over the past few weeks the experience of being an alcoholic and its wonderful, like I expected but alas as all good things do come to an end this must pass too.

Now I wait in passive anticipation for new events to occur in life hopefully drastic ones, sometimes life is so bloody monotonous that u wish it would change doesn’t matter if for the good or the bad all it has to do is change.

Another beginning and another end to time unforgiven

Another beginning and another end to time unforgiven , to time clasped secretly in velvet boxes stored in the deep recesses of time itself. Bits to be taken out and enjoyed in secret like chocolate or maybe cheap porn, a relish which would last for a long time a flavour in the mouth, or at other times like ecstatic orgasms lasting a few seconds but making that moment an extreme in pleasure.

Things we have done looked forward to doing and not been able to do everything is stored for living in, we dream , we die, we remain forever the question is eternal what will happen tomorrow, what will happen in the future will I succeed, will I really know wat success is, what am I working towards, aimless directionless, in fog .

I think when man made god, or was it vice versa he forgot to give him the sense of direction and so man still lives on going round and round in circles cos his idol, his creator itself lacks one. Well I mean the world has been going in circles its called the circle of life wat is the purpose of life itself , does everything have to have a purpose, does every mean lead to n end, does every end have a mean to get it. There are certain things which just happen, what bout them, would you call them leaps in
Spirituality,. Or just a simple coincidence or transcendence into a higher ream .

For people who want something, at times don’t have to try that hard to get it, I think that’s very natural because the effort you put into something u like just comes naturally its not really an effort at all, rather it’s a pleasure, a realisation of self itself, where every sinew every nerve can be felt, in tingling anticipation of the event that all this is building upto. And that’s the end till another new beginning comes along.

The sad part of this beautiful circle is that not everyone finds what his true objective; or rather he doesn’t trust himself. Well three cheers for man for being so thankless and suspicious so as to suspect even his heart or rather his mind, the mixture of the two . And he is also ungracious to his own abilities,. For even if by accident he stumbles across his true calling he just rolls on without realising what has happened.

my diary part 1

Well these are some excerpts out of my regular diary im keeping one in my Laptop, so i guess from now onwards its gonna be like this only shit in huge piles uploaded at regular periods of time, lets say more like constipated writing, not regular but in loads.


I stand at the window of my two-bed room apartment waiting for someone to walk into my life and share my space. And as I stand there at the window I wonder is that what I really want an encroachment on my private space,.

It’s a question that has troubled me for a long time is companionship that important to humans specially that of humans. Human beings are said to be a social animal and yet 90% of the human population is selfish with social manners of no greater magnitude than a rock, actually a rock at times is better it wont hurt u unless u stub ur toe on it or unless another human chucks it at you.


That’s it for now, ill write in soon .

Well I see iv been writing parallel diaries but that ones too serious I feel for the kind of mood that im in I wont say the kind of person I am cos that is also a part of me, lets say one of the parts . Well I think this one ill restrict to only my social activities which means that this diary would probably quite blank and bleak like my sl right now. Well for a dreary diary like mine I think im entitled to a heart attack now with the amount of social activity that’s occurred over the past one week or so. Well now I see why the great masters have always said that the mind should be completely blank when u begin to learn a new concept I can understand that completely that way every small happening is for some reason felt at a magnified magnitude a million times greater than its actual strength , well that learning can now be generalised into the concept of social life too when there’s nothing really happening in ur life even a small stone skimmed across the surface seems like an internal tsunami. Well another overused word since the not so recent happenings.

Well to begin with the basic pillars of my unsatisfactory life my friends here in hyd somehow have all at the same time chosen to nose dive towards disaster. One almost divorcing his wife, and drinking himself silly. The other having an affair and getting caught, but not understanding what he’s doing wrong, all he has to say is that he’s not having sex with the other female. Well I think the concept of marriage was never explained to him when he tied the nuptial knot. Or may be my concept like most concepts are warped, possible. Well a third friend is in deep shit with his girl friend and is going down to pieces, well I think when ur in love u don’t really see the boom coming before it hits you. It’s kinda nice seeing it from the sidelines probably like watching soccer with no favourite team. By the way I think im gonna use more analogues in my writing from now on, cos I have this strange habit of really going nerdy with analogues I think I enjoy the enlightening experience.

So as I was saying the poor fellows so stuck like a dog after having sex he doesn’t know which way to go like a stuck dog after having sex, he goes forward then he goes backwards like a stuck dog after having sex, he’s feeling the pain like a stuck dog after having sex, yet there’s this inner feeling of pleasure he has had like a stuck dog after having sex. Well I think im sick of the analogies now like a stuck dog after having sex.


Ok so kids might read this not mine of course , but well so we will keep the language a bit less profane. Fuck It man that’s bloody hell difficult ill simply use a phrase that u must have heard before fuck the fucking fuckers, well future fuckers im talking bout the kids right now.

Yaa so uv heard the exciting happenings of all these people, now back to me and my part in it all, well I told you I was always a very me person. So I keep on giving advices, alcohol and smirks not necessarily to the right people at the right moment, but I think after the alcohol it doesn’t really matter. Well that’s one bit of it now back to the most beautiful part of it all me of course. Well iv been having a tough time fucks up the routine a bit, but in addition to it I did finally have a conversation with a species of the opposite sex, well the flirt in me has really woken up after these long days of working hard, (now don’t go that way) . Well and the second meeting itself is a letdown a kind of drowning feeling where u see that the loads tied to ur feet as soon as u jump in the water. Ahha!! Another one of those beautiful analogues. Well so after two personal meetings one of which was almost forced on me and a few telephonic conversations I have come to conclusion that im beyond repair and this stinks. So now my conversations with this one are all about politely trying to end the conversations fast.

Well that’s been the most recent happening I know im not ending this little session with the regular gusto, well as u can see from both my log outs im not very good with the finishing. Adios amigos . Anyway this is not the end its just the beginning….

ORDER IN CHAOS

Well I know I said in my last mail that I need to maintain this blog to survive and I know its been ages since I typed in last or does it just seem like its been ages. Well now that I have a comp of my own most of my writing is stored in it. But since like everything else IM too busy to get a net connection that's where its gonna remain.

But I think its just not an innate need to write which drives me to the blog but rather a need to be read. Well I told you before I was an exhibitionist so I stick with the theme. Atleast in all this mumble - jumble there is some pattern. An order in chaos wonderful.

Well that's how life is. I always manage to see it the order in chaos , but the sad part is not every one does or this world would be different , I don't want it to be any different from what it is because that's the way I like it.

WE do our daily chores of living , struggling not lookin at the sun
or the moon, unconscious of our existence that's why we never see the order . Sometimes you miss out on things because they are too small at other times u miss out because the things are too large for your current perspective. The second one is what applies to the object of this discussion . We are so buisy looking at the details that we miss out on the whole.. Its like a journey we r looking at everything so minisculely that we forget to put it in the right context the background. A petal when looked under a microscope can be plain down right ugly, but when u place it in the right perspective the flower the plant he earth the sky the water the sunset, well that's beauty.

I remember when I was doin my pg , a beautiful butterfly on this really ugly bush , I took a snap , but now that I look back at it its not as great as I had felt it . You could not catch the beauty in a camera . I cant relate with the image anymore, id rather not have clicked because now the memory too of it is spoilt.

Well though the bush and the butterfly were in front of our coffee kiosik, and there were a million people around with millions of sounds it was beautiful

Ill leave it here gotta go for lunch chow.

Existence

A study in existentiality right thats how all of this began, thats what it was meant to be, well its almost been a year of this dreary existence, and yet it contuinues . The writing ofcourse was a secondary innovation to make life better rather id say things have become worse its one more thing that is to be done to survive now. Either that or die its a necessity.

Well so im back again , Busier finding time that too just a few minutes to jot something dowen before its lost in the dungeons of yersterday like the rest ogf my life , well just bout.

I think now even yesterday is not as glorious as it was at one time with the passage of time its lost its sheen its glory. So now im really confused as to wat i am existing for. Is it just for the fact that a man is suppose to survive earn his beread, and eat it till one day his will to survive decays as his body has already done, or is there a higher purpose to life?????

Regular Workin Day

Works going on fine, its a day to day fluctuation at times I think ill go bloody crazy at other times i think im riding High. WEll whatever the occasion im pretty sure Insanity is a permanent companion to me.

The regular day starts with me comin in enthusiastically to the office, probably with three hours of sleep and millions of cups of coffee , what else do u expect (just Kiddin) I think i should rewind a bit

Ok so here we go yaa the day starts with the water coming in the mornin, well theres a bit of shortage in this area so the water comesa only for some hour or so ant that too at 6 bloody 45 Screwed so any way thats the way it goes, my work is normally to shut the taps as ileave them open just in case i dont get up. Yaa so then there is the maid comin in , well god knows what she does i mean wash clothes , clean the house and even do the moppin all in 15 minutes, either shes superwoman or im indifferent , lets just leave it like that. So while she sleeps i get my bit of winks , she leaves and screams ho gaya, at times i really wonder kya hua. but anyway then theres the drunken walk to the door to shut it.

Then theres the nice cup of coffee which however contains cold milk , but anyway early in the mornin it feels good. Well then theres the rush to the office. Somehow always ,manage to be the first one in.

Ya now we join back in the regular day starts with me comin in enthusiastically to the office, Well somehow the spirits are high in the mornin, work is good, cofee break at 10:30 maybe 30 minutes or so, nonstop swigs at the ciggarette as it was my last cigarrette. It feels good after the two long hours of prespiration of sloggin ur ass off and may be at times a bit of frustration , what ever it may be it feels good.

Then theres the continuous run till bout 3-4 by which time the bodies gettin tired and the brain stops working, well the work for the day is done and its actuaaly the time to go back home thats wat the body clock says not the office clock.

Well so u take a quick lunch followed by some stupid decisions as ur not functionin with ur marbles then u wait for others to respond by that time u take ur time out to recoop, well by the time u start functionin again is the time u gotta leave.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a strange thing I saw a blog today, the author was deranged or rather hopelessly heart broken but he wrote beautifully , this goes to him though he may never read it id rather that he didn't.

Its strange something clicked not the apathy or the frustration but rather the complicated simplicity of the writing. His life though I judge him only by a few words was in a state of tumult, a tumult which existed in calm. The whole storm enraged inside of him and probably sent him into throes of depression.

Well enough of him now that's jut the background, id rather not try describing him, for I myself don't know him. But what appealed to me was the way he wrote. Something that I feel I had forgotten .

Emotions and intellect is a deadly mix, I know its not really logical to combine the two, but I think he had both, and that's what made him good. All people who've made a difference have had both only the emotion was different . Rationality and intellect are too cold a combination to result in good writing, unless someone was writing a technical instructions manual. Well these are certain rules that were brought into my conscience.

Its when the emotions are on high that the internal security system is on vacation. And that's when u say what u really wanna say. A few of us are born, (maybe all of us ) with the internal defense on low, and then we endure live and socialisation, have a few experiences or learn from others to bring in the firewall, and that's the end of freedom , the freedom of thought , speech and action.

Look at me for instance, work has made me into something that I cant even recognize, and the worst of it all this all happened without my realization. The problem if it was only limited to work was ok with me , but it spills into my private space too. In to my writing , into my thinking and into my action.

Anonymity too isn't adequate for the isecurity to be stifled. The writing is dishonest and with time if the disease isn't checked would become ugly even to me, and then probably all that is left would die.

Naked is the only way to be the only acceptable dress code, clothes will suffocate all that exists and then nothing would remain except for a carcass which lives to die every day. I would advice you not to take this analog in its direct sense or ud be in a mental asylum sooner than u think. Well so from today I shed my clothes atleast for myself, and write for myself.

this space is now for madmen only, for to enter my world you have to loose urs.

Thanks to my friend Pinks u didn't even realize it but u made me think again .

Changing Perspectives Part two (Perfection)

Its been long I know, and if u procastinate the works not done , so I guess its too late to finish the changing perspectives post as my perspectives have changed yet once again.

life's a funny game, I mean it just keeps on changing, as u all probably know by now Im into reading strange insane books only, well in one of the books I read it said change is inevitable, well it is and though we all look for that perfectly stable life , if it were like that it would be damn darn boring. Actually the concept was that change is perfect and that's the way IZ ( GOD) wanted it. I don't really care I think I like it that way.

Well for those of u who do read this stuff I write , well mind ur own business. Just kidding, well id liked to let u know that my sister is finally married, I know u don't really care. Well neither do I its just that I care bout How it affects me, well practically speakin things haven't really changed they r in UK as was before,Ill probably meet her once an year as it was b4 , we will probably talk on the phone or SMS each other once in two months that also when Im in dire need of money, things haven't changed, well almost the only thing that has changed is her surname now its something that I can't even remember and which even if I did remember I would end up mispronouncing. Well I wonder then y it feels so strange and different. Well I guess that's in the ream of irrational thinking, but then human is irrational , after all the most important and overbearing act (ever committed by a human)of falling in love itself is quite irrational., And tell me which human being at some point in his / her life hasn't faltered.

Well I guess that's changing perspective for . And in the end its all perfect is it not. I think that's the way we are always meant to be a bit confused , I mean I know Im a supreme being and all yet I aint GOD (yet that is) and its perfect that way.

Changing Perspectives I

We have come along way havent we, may be in different directions, but we have travelled.

Its been a long and tiresome journey ever since i left you all, been away from some stayed in touch with some, well life goes on.

Its kinda fun to look back from a distance and see what we have all become, from hyper cool super dudes and dudets to well what we still believe is hypercool but somehow mundane run of the mill characters with small problems and a lot of stress.

Well the dude who overdosed on spirits and weed has become clean as a saint, well as clean as he can get probably. Well for the time being atleast i guess untill i meet them again.

Some have gotten married and are now completely baffeled by their newly acquired posessions. where as others show pride in their Status of available, and at the same time curse their loneliness.Well both unhappy in their little ways.
Well then there are those wonderfull people who took their vows of conjugation before copulation to be now torn apart , probably hating their one time loves.

well this is a part one of the series

Happiness

Walkin down the road, i dont know why but somehow whenever i sit down to write something this is the first thing that comes to my mind, well im still walkin havent fallen yet , i guess thats why lifes called a rat race cos action is the only thing that u get out there, and can u beleive it thats what we are trying to run away from action.


Though on ythe other side people who r not gettin enough of the action, enough movement , who stopped ages ago , i wonder if they are happy. Probably not.


But then Happiness is such a relative term or is it, i think its an absolute cos when u happy u happy , not measurable not comparable. Yet man with his mad drive for measurement has even measured happiness , im not as happpy as i was, im not as happy as he is. I mean man cmon if im happy im happy if im not im not, i dont think iv ever been a little happy, iwas either happy or disappointed at not gettin what i wanted and getting the second best. Because after all thats not wat i was lookin for. So now its out in the open , it was all fake the feeling of slight happiness. Ecstacy though is another level and i dont think thts comparable with happiness.

Man do i like a good debate or what .


Now that iv wresteled with my self for a bit, i think ill sign out till the next trime i log in Adios.

MY PAST MY PRESENT

Rudyard Kipling
If


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Beautifull isnt it? Well its one of those poems that has pleased me ever since i was quite young, read it in some course book , was impressed by it. I never realised that i had carried it with me, i thought it was still burried there in the old edifices of dying literature.It was only when recently i was talkin to a friend , that i realised how much it meant to me , actually to both of us.

Well things have changed i guess thats wat life is all about , afterall life without change would be so bloody boring. We were a gang once , we were pals , scattered now through out this world, distances unimaginable , forget about travelling them. Every one buisy in with their own life , with their own problems, with their own joys.

Some of us left the past behind and very few of us still live in it. Im not here to criticize either group , cos they r correct on there own stands. Neither am I gonna talk about the path i took .

Well iv come a long way from those college days in these few months , almost 8 id say, i have tasted the bitterness of solitude, and at the same time the joy of being one. It has been a tough joureney but i think somewhere, my perspective of it has changed it dose not bite any more . To tell you the truth its probably the story of half of the population of students coming out of their college working in strange lands. Probably its the life of every working Man / Woman. Well i guess in the end every one lives a similar life , probably mostly dissatisfied lives.

Well i walked into the room one day and i realised i chose to be the way i am , and in fact that somewhere i am satisfied because i am what i made myself. Well you know what i will move on some day to maybe something new , when im bored , not when im dissatisfied because my satisfaction is upto me , not to others . after all lifes too short to remain angry at life

i am walkin down this road the destination unknown, i dont even know wat is hundred feet in front, yet i walk on this path and yet the journeys not ending. The courage is failing, somehow dissatisfaction has crept in , and nothing seems right, i wonder where i went wrong and which turn was wrong.

Well some people believe in destiny and if its like that then i wotnder if any turn can be wrong cos after all its destiny . Well thats wats meant to be i guess for all you belieivers of Poulo Cohelo there is no wrong path all paths are right cos after all its destiny taking you there. Gotta listen to the heart they say . I wonder what the heart says , does it ever coincide with wat the brain says, A question let it hang.


Well as usual i give out my gibberish in small doses of word play , well i enjoy it to tell you the truth.


Well lets count what all i enjoy doin, to tell you the truth in my state of despair for an answere i cant even figure that one out, well all that i can think of is maybe travelling but that too can get on the nerves .

Man i hate these loud sounds around me , it s banging on my nut , man i wish there was a bit of silence for a little while , i think im missing the peace that i use to have at one time . I really do lack it now.

Ya so for people like me who think they somehow are masters of their own destiny its written but then theres nothing that cant be changed. WEll ya for people like us its a bit more dificult , its so easy to say well thats gods way, it s destiny. Man all rubbish , i just seem to be without a direction even if there is a destiny i wonder where it lies cos right now im like a ship without a rudder, only wishes are there and that too not constant what will it be today i wonder .


Man i love this life this ever changing life of orgasmic pain and plain ecstacy , i think we would be nothing without it. Whenever you think you have the upper hand it just gives a small twist and off you are again batteling against monsters trying to regain control. I guess its better that way cos atleast that way you have something to do , otherwise i guess life would be too boring.


Y is man like that, To realise the value of anything first he has to see a scarcity of it. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, where is the law where is the justice , Balls to it man it was always an animal world.

raving

Back again to the ravings, well a voice not penned is a thought lost and each thought lost is an idea aborted, so i have bloody flushed down millions of ideas down the toilet, but well shit happens.

i read this book that i understood very little of , but mostly i learnt that people who r against the system usually go crazy , well im insane as i said before but at times even being with the systenm is insanity .

im not in the mood for a conversation tonight so i guess ill say good night to u all till we meet again chow

I HATE MY JOB

I hate my Job, well I use to like it , at one time when I had just joined it I was a novice, it was pleasant , it had its mysteries , there was something new to it every day.

How has it changed, IM not that much of a novice I have earned some respect the tough way, iv learned some new things in my trade, some things are still a mystery to me. I hate the routine it gives , even if it involves doin somethin new. I have my competitors, I have my pets, I have my supporters and there are PEOPLE I CANT STAND. And YET LIFE GOES ON CORDIALLY without any noise , without any difficulty. I have still a lot to learn there are still quite a few mysteries in front of me I struggle to find a solution , sometimes I give up sometimes I procastinate.

Man its a dog eat dog world out here , either u kill or u survive , the worst part of it all is that I think IM letting myself die at time.

I hate this job, I don't like the idea of meeting people that I don't really know, talking to them pleasantly, groveling at times, authoritative at others. That's not me.

I hate this job because it matters whom u meet whom u move around with and what u do with them. I hate it cos u always have to meet the superiors please them and that's the only way to develop.

When I was new to the whole gang life was different . I didn't know the politics of the place now that I Know it I hate it , I move away from it and then hate myself for moving away . Man this sucks.

Well I write this bulk of shit today cos I sit here actually not even in the luxury of my cramped cubicle but rather in a associate vendors sweat shop, produce some results and then my boss takes the cake while IM left with the pan . I should have told him what to do with the bloody pan but I think at that time I dint realize. STUPID .. Anyway actually it doesn't hurt cos I missed a chance to probably have dinner with the CMD , but because at that time I actually didn't , and the worst now IM regretting. How much iv changed


YOU KNOW WHY I HATE THIS JOB BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SOMETHING I AM NOT......

Sanity vs. Insanity

I was drifting down this road, I thought I had a purpose to me, some final destination. So I kept on looking towards the end to find a meaning to it all, the road lay blank , and that's all I could see. I wanted to know how it would end , how it all began. I walked and I walked tired, broken. All I could see was the road and then I gave up looking for the destination and I started watching what was around me , that is when I realized that the journey was the destination itself.


BULL SHITTTT !!!!! Man this shit is so foul it makes me sick.

Well the question has arisen once again and I do look for an answer, I sat and analyzed my thoughts, my desires and my means, which took me approximately 2 seconds 23hrs and 2 seconds respectively. That says adequate bout me I guess, but anyway then I compared notes with some other people and I found my time period was still somehow less than others when it comes to desires. Man will never be satiated.


I Looked at this world through a magnifying glass and all I found was charred pieces of earth , what has mankind come to. In this day to day rat race , only the filthiest rat wins, how ever it will never make him happy , well Im different I guess I don't run in the same league that's what u thought wasn't it? Not true , neither for you nor for me, truly speaking no matter how much I think bout spirituality and all that crap , some how I never transcend over the normal day to day existence.

what a lovely idea , if man only required to do what he was good at , more importantly what he was happy doing, and there was no hunger and no scarcity of any sort. If a man liked to dig his nose he was employed at that itself. Well kind of crappy for the whole community I guess, when u think bout it cos even though he might like eating his snort we wouldn't. But then that's the beauty of the system if u liked riding motorcycles that's all u did and it came to u , filled u, and when u got bored u could do anything else that u chose to do. What if every one knew how to do everything.

Well I met a man and he slogged his ass what for I wondered, it always saddens me to see some of these rich dudes slogging their asses to get richer, I think to myself well Im slogging too, but then only if I was like him earned as much as him , I would never work that hard to earn more money. I would probably take a vacation. I wonder the guy who's poorer than me, I mean draws a smaller salary, does he think the same bout me?? And then I wonder if I really drew a bigger salary wouldn't I want something better and then wouldn't I have an excuse to further slog my ass. So what is the final conclusion. Man likes to slog his ass and he likes feigning dislike for it ,an likes misery, and yet he is miserly unhappy.

From there I derive my theory that to be happy either you have to be a different type of a man, unlike other men, well with the kind of herd phenomenon that exists in the world today and that is fed into us ever since we r born, I don't really think that is possible, or you have to be completely insane.

Thus the final conclusion the only way to happiness is through the realms of Insanity



I choose to be a happy lunatic rather than a miserable wise man

Satiated Lunatic

Selfishness, the ego , the me and the I

SO how does it feel to be back again, into this twisted mind of mine. Well things havnt changed as i said before, and yet things arnt stagnant either, sometimes i wonder if im just going round in circles, am I? and yet there seems some direction to destiny . Maybe its just that i dont know what im headed for as of now. Well i guess ill wait.

It feels real strange when the only thing that you look forward to is to type your thoughts down in a blog, and yet when the right time comes you suddenly go blank . Well iv waited before i had something to say to you , i think i might have waited too long , for theres nothing in my head , yet my fingers dont heed to the lack of Ideas , they are their own masters right now.

I reread what i have typed and then i wonder was that worth the effort , of long hours at work just to sit down in front of this marvelous creation of man called the computer. Its the best way to communicate they say, and yet it's the main cos for disruption of social ties. Strange huh i wonder how many fools there are sitting in front of their computers looking for new friends and mates, and finally finding solace in some feigner, completely niglecting their environment , where perhaps their true friend or love lurks.

Opportunity knocks once they say and will it be lost, while i sit here and type this shit, well to tell you the truth i dont bloody care no longer. Iv become indifferent with the passage of months and of days which seem like eternity and yet which somehow in retrospect have passed to quickly for me to grasp. Sometimes a question arises in me what have i learnt from the past and , i really cant answer if what all i learnt wasnt within me already .

Well i think, at present im influenced by a stupid book , in fact two of them that iv read recently, one of them is called Illusions by Richard Bach ( whom i consider an incompetent author , of self deluding ideas) and the second one is Siddhartha by Herman Hess ( whom if u care to know i consider to be one of the best authors ever, and yet this creation of his according to me was really substandard). Well thats my opinion of it.

Oh sorry got side tracked a bit , ya to get back to the book Richard says that all we have to learn is within us since we exist forever, knowledge learned and carried forward from past lives, he says we are all potential Messihas, capable of producing a miracle any time cos after all the world that we live in is completely an illusion. And multiple space and time exists for all. I mean cmon man that sounds like a spiritual book suddenly turned scifi,. I guess it would be a real big Picker upper book for those tho are Psychotically depressed or challenged. Well no wonder i finished the book quick .

Well the other book by Mr. Hess, is on a different level all togeather, it says that we have all the answers hidden within us, and we cannot learn from anyone, we have to take our sips of bitter and sweet in life till we are completely engulfd in them to be able to learn from them. Well i do agree with his point but strangely enough to me there seems to be a connection somewhere between the two theories. Cos we choose our bitters and our sweets and not really destiny, which ibn a way means we choose what happens to us which kinda links to we are messihas all of us and we can choose to be whatever we wanna be and all of that.

Well though the subject wasnt delt with in a good way in either books i still find it fascinating. Cos i think in the end i do vasccilate around the same theme. The theme of selfishness, of the ego , of the me and I. Everything i Do I do it for me, unlike Bryan Adams. And think of it i was once a part of this big Social institute where everyone said We, us our , their upliftment , i guess u got the idea, though i never did that course , yet even if i had done itr im pretty sure it would have been for me and not for them . I guess the best social workers are those who do things for themselves rather than for others, i mean for their satisfaction, for their growth and for their own happiness.

Enough before i get my ass into any trouble ill sign off adios amigos