The year 2007 crests and troughs

As the year comes to an end like all obedient bloggers and more for personal reasons i record below as objectively as possible the happenings of 2007

Family : Supported by them, lived of them maybe let them down a bit but in the long run established good ties once again. Failure at times can be a bonding factor and the year 2007 has been overall an year of failure for me . Everytime I have failed i have gone to my family for support and have received unconditional suypport for them. This is to thank them for what ever they have done. Though throughout the year I spent only 15 odd days with them , they have been my spine throught the beating that i have taken this year. And the love and respecvt that i have towards them has only increased. So overall id say a 3 out of five for this particular segment of my life


Work : The year started on rough weaters, three months into the organisation that i worked for and i was trying to find my place and security. Alas neither was at hands reach. Idrowned in feb and to tell you the truth the felling was pleasent , it was the feeling of being unburdened , the feeling of lightness. In March itself after a 15 day honeymoon , i was back at work , more determined than ever, and ever since it has been good. Reached my target effectively, though failed to create a sustainable self growing symbiotic environment. There were phases of Intoxicatingly enticing activities and then the dull moments in life the last two odd months saw me getting detached from work and more involved with GMAT.

But then the two months worked at went down the drain because of a stupid ignorance and oversight. So to conslude the yeqar 2007 was disastrous , It began on a low note and ended almost dying.


Relationship : Love was never found again only lost in the very begining of the year. Nothing else really happened , made no efforts , sustained singularity and self pity, end of the year love is not that important anymore.
Friendship: some died and some were rekindeled. Spoilt my relationship with a few close friends I think was uncomfortable with their proximity. Rekindled frienship with a few friends who had not kept in touch, who were far away , decvember in particular was the month were i met some of the people that i really liked meeting. But there was this saddness which had crept in, but yet it felt good. So for friendship i would say it was a mixed year. By the way the support that i received at the end of the year in terms of for my GMAT was amaizing it feels really good to know that so many people care.
Colleagues: Distances grew indifference crept in , Friendships falterd and we still exist .


Health : Detoriated the failure to succed in any other aspect of life left me drawn to the end of my resources, filled with alcohol and smoke , theres nothing much that the body could do. It was an year of complete abandon , nothing was checked and no efforts made.


Travell : Went to a place that i wanted to visit for a long time , Manipal , it still had the charm that had enticed us young people ages ago. But well this time it was a bit tarnished with a taste of evil , i blame it to me. Wanted to spend more time living in the past but the present was calling all along , and so finally i moved to its call. Rest was al lrelated to work, Nagpur though tentative felt good as this time i was in control and not the othwer way round.

The Blog : this is completely subjective , the blog which had died an year ago found its life again, creative juices flowed and the writing became better , still not reached the cresendo that one day it will , but then the melodys returned to it.

ME: Emotionally exhausted, physically tired, a bit of a failure, yet a dreamer. Whether good or bad the decisions were mine the ignorance was mine and so were the results. Not satisfactory though but important , learnt a bit faltered a lot , felt sad felt happy. The year saw a change in me , saw some seriousness creeping in , saw some lightheartedness coming in. I was empowered and I failed , but that s nbot the end , thats just a delay , yes i hate the oppertunity cost , but ill live.

So if u people are worrying bout me dont cos im good, I dont really know its not indifference , i think its detemination. Somehow i feel that i have connected with myself this year lets see.

Wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year


Shashwat

GMAT goes down the drain

Well I write here in my complete senses, rather a bit of numbness is coming over , as i have been raving about it, I am all set to give my GMAt tomorrow, and to score the promised 650 plus score. Alas however this seems to be an abandoned hope now.

After bout two months of preperation , well putting in a bit extra work didnt slog but did work, i feel that now it is in my fait that i will not give my exam tomorrow, and also that i wont get admission into any Business school this fall, and all of this because of my stupidity .

I write this blog controlling this urge to shout and to get angry with the world, with the cicumstances , with my stupidity. But I think ill let it go this time. Ill blame fate for it and walk out on life , everytime i have done something or rather tried doing something to go abroad it has failed. Its not in desperation that i write this but rather in anger. First it was the cpmc or HPC wathever the shit , i was fast to act and well i paid for it , the board name changed and i got screwed in the middle. and now its the stupid GMAT, I was slow on the uptake and well I probably will fail at this too.

You see i dont have my passport with me right now, neither do i have a photostate of it. So in effect i dont have the valid proof required. To add to these circumstances my parents are sitting in Europe , so even if on an urgent basis i was to request for a fax to be sent, its not possible, my parents from here leave to America and basically im royally fucked for the next two months.

What does all of this do to me, it makes me stronger they say , well im not to sure maybe it does. It makes me wanna prepare better , to choose the Bschools I want to go to , to live live like a fool for a bit and then to give the gmat again in another two months , bye bye Fall admissions.

It hurts , though i wasnt prepared in terms of the surity that the people who really want to get there have , infact i was a bit hesitant bout the schools not certain where i stood a chance, but sometimes u need to take a risk , and well i think thats what lifes trying to teach me over the past one year , i was trying god this was a risk for me. But any ways i think i have become a bit harder, i have learnt how to accept it better.

So my POA for tomorrow, to walk over to the place ask them to take me in show them my other IDs and well if it works lifes back to the same struggle of looking for Bschools and meeting deadlines. If it dosent work then i have to accept that it didnt work and try to move on , i think i will still look for the Bschools and them maybe travell to get my transcripts , after two months sit for the stupid GMAT score a 750 this time and then move on to the Spring session.

Lord please make note its takes more than that to break me and yes it does make me stronger , but then dont overdo it OK .

Reminiscence

It’s been over an year now, yet for some strange reason I come back to her personal space yet again and again, searching for what? Maybe a hope that has long died, maybe just some news on what’s happening in life, maybe a glimpse of something that I knew.


It was a quick period, filled with passion. They were dangerous times, life and death, morality, individuality, Career, Religion everything at stake, yet I took the chance and fell flat on my face.


Its really strange at some level how I can think about it with such clarity and such detachment now. The pleas no longer resound in this body, the way they use to an year ago. Iv made my peace with lord, stopped being angry and accepted fait as it came. Iv moved on to this new emptiness, which though dark is yet comforting. Iv come a long way.


Emotions are a disaster most of the times and yet time after time we let them control us. New resolutions made now, new direction adopted, new hopes dreamt off and still the past lives in us. It’s never a clean slate is it? That whiff of air, that twinkle of an eye, that perfumed breath, the luscious body on a stranger in the balcony, on the road, in your head all of it brings it back suddenly. A glorious Sunrise , a dance move, a jog in the park . hahaha


The point here is not the Present but the glorious past, it’s kind of strange how it brings joy to me now, not the notion of not having, but the notion of having had. That’s the brilliance of it all. So here I take a cigarette break to break the monotony of Daily toil. A cup of coffee, a bit of sunshine and reminiscence brings it back again , those days of Passion , those days of joy, those days of having lived dangerously.


Would I live them again yes I would, a million times and more , to reminiscent yet once again of what I was before.

Merry Christmas everyone

Why I Exist

The Question is not how I Exist it is why I Exist, it’s a nice Sunday morning not to sunny and I sit at my table (borrowed) sipping a nice cup of tea. The hangover from yesterday completely clouds my memory of an evening well spent. The women were pretty and as for me I don’t really remember.


I hate it when I cant remember things from the night before and that’s why the morning is like this. I sit here planning my Sunday and all I can think of is sleep, which of course won’t come. My Gmat’s coming close and the party scene has just begun, too many nights out and too many days of drunken stupor.


On days like today after a well earned hangover I always wonder where I am going. I don’t really know maybe too much of alcohol and a hangover make me introspective. But the truth is I really get pissed with my present status. I mean working away from home, living like an outcast and working like a dog all these things make me want to throw up now. I want to move into richer quarters closer to home , but what I have planned for is moving out of the country completely.


Ill tell u a truth that not many people know, im not to sure, im not to confident, im a little shackled by my inhibitions. I don’t even know if I want to be out of India, if I want to experience a different culture, if I can study again, if ill succeed.

Ok so let’s look at my goals –

To go to America and do an MBA (this fluctuates to other countries at times), and sometimes I really think I wont achieve it and its on the top of my priorities as I feel I can accomplish my other goals through this.

2nd Goal to become rich – this ones such an uncertain goal for example I was rich yesterday as for today im poor and tomorrow god knows , u get the drift there is a goal but no action plan , I guess ill rob a bank . But then lets not give this too much thought all I know is I want to be rich, rich enough to take my parents on a World tour,to buy a car, to drink my kind of beer in my kind of places and also to visit my friends when I feel like it.

3rd to be with my parents enough of independence I want now to be close to my parents . To be scolded by them in person not the way I am now, not a bloody mongrel I n a different city, I want to be the top dog in my city , ya sadly enough im not to sure which city that is. And more importantly it’s a city where my parents will be with me.

4th I want to be in love. I feel that without love u r incomplete, empty and well all the half filled things that’s possible. Its very important for me to be in love with someone, and she reciprocating my love in her ways. I feel that at 27 I should have done something about it but then there’s nothing happening im meeting boring people, im getting too drunk too often and im basically wasting a lifetime.


5th I want to learn something new everyday , at work, in life , a sentence, a word, a process, an idea, a game, a joke a limitation ,an ability. This I feel is something that’s not happening at all I want to learn life and it just wont happen because people are to busy doing today what they did yesterday, even me I had a drink yesterday so ill do it today, and the same for work , I am not living my work im existing in it. I will do loads of new kinds of work but in the end they are all repetitions of what I did yesterday.

6th I want to become fit, not good looking or some super-cool dude, all I want from life is a certain level of fitness, the ability to run a Half marathon , doesn’t matter where im placed by the end of it. The ability to dance Salsa in the middle of the night and not even feel a bit of it going through me. The ability to go on a hike, Mountain climbing, scuba dive, swim. Now there’s nothing in me which prevents me from doing it , but im not doing it, too pushed for time, to lazy for it too .

Last but not the least I want to quit Smoking, its killing me , I know that but every time I think about it all I want to do is light a cigarette and think about it.

I agree u don’t have to be Einstein to know where u going but then u need to give it a thought once in a while, at least as fore me I suck at it. But now that I have this on well a computer screen ( in olden days it would be in black and white or on a piece of paper) and now that u who read my blog know about it I think there might be some motivation .

Oh shit by the way my last wish to learn how to slow dance, the walts, the foxtrot, balls to the salsas, that’s all I need. Well not really id like to learn how to dance.

So resolutions set well before new-year, its time that I start the action.

Love u all and a Merry Christmas to u all and a glorious New Year.

(Any free ladies call me remember goal number 4).

Health Care and me.

I'm a Health care professional for people who dint know it , for the rest of u it doesn't really matter. I thought of this blog in the morning. After waking up having my cup of tea. Its a chapter out of my life nothing that incidental , nothing that astonishing just something which happened at work.

The Health care industry in India is an exploding industry , with a few players fighting it out to conquer it all. They seize every opportunity to expand to add facilities, and finally the ultimate goal to make the money they pump in and a bit more. Now Health care till a few years ago was not a very lucrative business, with very large break even periods, the money u pumped in took ages to come back and when it did probably interests could have gotten you that. But then Humans decided they wanted to do something exciting so they started smoking, Sat on computers rather than meeting friends and well drank lots of Booze and then of course as their life's got buisy so they couldn't cook they started eating hamburgers , pizzas basic fast food, got fat and started having Heart attacks like there was no tomorrow. And the Business turned profitable, there were other lifestyle diseases , there was Joint Replacements there were accidents and all of this led to money.


So here i sit out of a Desk in a Hospital and see it all and how i see it i speak it. The whole game is about numbers of employees, cases, revenues and expenses. Now Health care is a field which is highly humanised, i mean agreed there is a lot of technology mixed with the Humans , but by the end of it all it is Humanised , that's the side people most see , clinicians talking to their patients, nurses talking to their patients, taking care of them , every part of it is about care atleast that's what i think. And this is an integral part of it, with alot of money spent on training , on Customer relation Management, and all of that . But then by the end of it have u ever thought it all requires money and the money comes from the common customer.

So let us now see the other side of tit the slightly darker side. When u work on the different side of the spectrum u talk only money , cases , revenue. For example if a person i know , whom i have smoked with come to the hospital complaining of chest pain ( This is just an acquaintance). I take his ECG and show him to the cardiologist , the cardiologist says hes having a heart attack. First thought man is he gonna die not in my hospital please. Second thought what can be done , OK Primary angioplasty with a normal stent as hes poor equates to 100,000 Rs. Ahh revenue earned and then life saved .


Now We take a decision he requires it , we ask him he agrees , the doctors scared him enough and i guess unknowingly i have been a part of it too. man u alright don't worry but u could have died you know. So we wait for the family , till that time i talk to the boss arrange for discounts , right now I'm not even sure the patient will be admitted and here i am thinking of discounts for him. OK i see the procedure not cos i know the patient but rather to make sure the doc doesn't use a very expensive Stent ( The patient is poor u see) and if he cant pay it would be embarrassing and the company will loose money. The patient is fine i see him off in the ICCU shit today GMATs gone down the drain . OK but hes safe. Hes grateful, we haven't taken a single penny till now , hell deposit it tomorrow , no tensions, if he doesn't deposit , well hard luck he will have too. My jobs done lets have a beer.

While I'm leaving he thanks me, and i see that he really means it, hes on the verge of tears and well he almost makes his son, probably 4 years younger than me, touch my feet. But then at that very moment i hate myself the most. Not cos i conned him , because i didn't , he could have waited till tomorrow had another heart attack and died. Not for the care provided cos it was efficient , expertise , not for the money involved cos actually ill be giving him a genuine discount, but cos at all these moments i never thought we were talking about a life , for me it was always revenue.

So be careful my friends sometimes Business comes so much in the forefront that we forget the very component that makes us Human. Compassion. I did all that was required i gave reassurance and it was convincing , but never did i realise that i had been part of saving a life. This is what has happened over the past 2 1/2 years. I have buried a few , i had cried for a few and at other times i haven't even realised , now if someone starts crying in the hospitals , i don't think a deaths happened i just think man shut up you willscare all the other people away.

Well I know this probably would be forgotten tomorrow but atleast at the moment i pledge that somewhere in the middle of this all, i will find my soul .

Sunrises and sunsets

Lifes a slow train at present , through a dull town with one station resembeling the other. I mean ever since i have take the decision to give Gmat , its been similar , either full of cramming , or guilt for not cramming , and the beers they seem to have taken a major back seat. To add to this the bloody television , i really wonder now how i lived without it . i mean now i have absolutely no idea how to spend any free time , i mean lets say the dinner break between the studying i switch on the dumb TV and with no cable connection look at the blank screen , it somehow makes the food go down easier.

But then im not really complaining im kinda fantacising after so long now, i remember doing it when i was a kid, somehow we all grow over it , i mean now even in my fantasies there are reality checks. now thats a scary thought on limitations. Imagine of dereaming and dreaming the way you want to dream and then suddenly realising its not really possible as life usually sucks and theres no other way about it.


But then every morning is an adventure , I wake up and the skys beautifull, i dont wakeup to see the sky but its part of this routine that i have formed , i have my tea in the varandah , and the sunshines so brightly. One thing particular to the mornings is the shining sun and the cold breeze it reminds me so much of winters back home. I close my eyes and for a few seconds i m back in Shimla, a few years back takin in the sun after this drive , the only difference its evening and the suns setting over the mountains a beautifull view, i stop the car to take a smoke , it feels so good and here i stand with my cup of tea and look at the sunrise and wish that it were a sunset in a different town. And even the thought of it sets me free to fantasize yet once again.

I Go to school

History may repeat itself , but then there are certain new chapters that you encounter in the book of life which tintilatingly surprise you . I had one of those days today , not work wise , truly speaking it was something that i never thought i could relate to.

So here goes

I planned out a meeting with one of my colleagues a mother of two fairly young children . The whole Idea behind the meeting was to learn new marketing techniques , so we went to a centre which had called her for well showing their premises and talking some money matter . It was interesting , but fairly common practice with nothing really innovative about it except for maybe the farewell gift a stress ball shaped like an astraunot. Now where the connection lies in Astrounauts and Back pain clinics im not too sure , but it was a nice gift.

Now to the more interesting part , she was to attend a seminar after that for young parents on early education , again a marketing gimic by one of the preschool schools, in fact this was a regular school . But its here that i realised what all we had missed out on . We had to pose as husband and wife to escape a double registeration fee, on top of that i found myself to be a father of a 2 yr old son. Thankfully the son wasnt there otherwise i would have had to pay seperately.

Now I remember my school days with the nursery rhymes and the counting lessons and of course the alphabets and all of that . But this was so different the strategies the methods they have changed so much .

To begin with this centre had various areas, the ADL Area ( Activities of daily Living area) the Coordination corner, the language corner, the numbers corners , the mathematics lab, the craft room, the Toys section and finally a reading room.

Here children are taught the ways to unleash the hidden poitentials within them and to tell you the truth i believe that with such an early start fotr them, they are much superior to us. I mean imagine to look at a random collection of dots on a card and having this ingrained ability of knowing exactly how many dots there are on the bloody card. If i was to count the dots it would take me bloody two minutes to do it , but these kids are taught how to read like that.

I may have gotten beyond myself here. Its probably something which us grownups will never learn cause it was never taught to us like that. I mean our number concept was completely based on the symbol for that number eg the number two is signified by 2. But in actuality the symbol 2 has no meaning of its own unless we say 2 people . 2 pencils. To these kids the concept is taught the other way round they are told this is one pencil and these are2 pencils , this is how we write 1 and so on and so forth. So finally there observation skills are horned in such a manner that rather than having to count the number of dots on the card the dots register themselves as a number itself. I mean there were stories of children knowing exactly how many plates where ther in a stachk , or rather how many cows where there in a herd, amaizing isnt it. I didnt quite have a live demonstration of this, however i was showed the card for 93 and believe me if i was to sit down and couint those dots i might not have been able to do it.

Another surprising discovery , If I was to Shout out Louds to the World " A for ................" i guess about 97 % of the responses id get would be Apple. But then a is also for Ape, Apple , Arshiya, Aligator so on and so forth. I mean why do we have a mental block to that all. A very Simple thing cos we were taught to think that wauy . I mean a was always for apple and B for ball. And then we all grew up and were told by our intelligent professors, bosses etc to think out of the box , to use latteral thinking, multidimensional thinking and so on and so forth. Now imagine if we were not restricted in the concept stage what could have been.

Another example Learning of Languages, now this is something that im really bad at, now imagine this you are born and your mom tells you ok now im gonna teach u hindi, kanadda, malyalam, Assamis etc ( Mother language) A, B , C, D . But thats not how we learn the mother language , we listen, then we understand, then weimitate write and then we read and so on and so forth. However whenever we try to learn a new language say English we end up going the opposite way, i mean writing, reading , speaking, understanding etc. You get the drift. No woneder half of the indian population does not have the propper English speaking skills , and people like Naati are teaching IELTS classes.

Ok now this Post is getting awfully long. So ill stop here but isnt it amaizing to see how the worlds progressing with 10 yr olds creating new learning devices and fuddies life us baffled by tit all.

It was nice to see these young couples taking time out on a saturday moring to invest in there kids , to learn something new , there was so much concern. Ofcourse there was also a bit of stupidity there too, and i wondered how their kids would survive , but i guess with this new learning its a whoile new ballgame and finally the human might have arrived , not bounded by collapsed outdated concepts

Some self thought , i realised that thoughh i didnt know the correct techniques on learning or behaviour therapy, I would make a good father someday, it felt good to know that.

blame it on me

The Spirit , is indistructable but the times are harder, the sinews are restless but theres no action, the seas are calm but the storms are brewing and im stranded in the middle somewhere hoping for the miracle , waiting for the final voyage to begin.

Preperation is more in the head then anything , but why then is everything a blank .

Iv been bothered for the past few days , dissatisfied and inactive it seems as if inertia as taken over me. The ability to move do something new is blocked and there i am back in the circles of existence . From a yesterday to a today to a tomorrow all a bit too similar , to familiar and all too lonely.

I wonder if its being alone which causes it or rather the inertia which cuases the being alone. It seems like i end up having the same confused conversations within my head and maybe even with the people i know. And then there is the selfconfidence faked to prevent people from peering in to close.

It seems like im loosing a battle , the battle of life and with every blow i take i fake a smile to show that im all intact. With every second a part of me is dying but then isnt thet true with most of u.

The ability to love lost , the ability to work lost , the ability to care lost and finally the vegetative mess left behind. Breathing , alive but dead , moiving acting , living but dead . Goiintg through the routine rigors of live but dead so dead inside.

The embers , the warmth , maybe its the soul thats dying but is that possibble.

Well todays been one of those days when nothing really happens but you just dont feel right. But then lets see whats to be cos after all tomorrows a new day altogeather.

Just a book is it

Lifes the strangest of misteries isnt it, I mean from waking up in the morning to even what could happen in your dreams nothings certain and yet all that we search for is control .

Iv been reading this book Shogun, by James Caverell . I took it up cos of Kill Bill II , its really cool , the movie but then the books even cooler. Noww one whos not paid attention to Kill Bill might ask me how r the two related except for maybe the Samurai Swords, but the truth is they are. The child , Uma thermans daughter lifes watching Shogun. Another movie that i remember showing it was in The body guard another beautiful movie.

The books great . Its so political with great consiperies and drama and yet everything is so simple. The life the fights the honor and the deaths. everything inside it is facinating a new work , a new adventure.

I recommend it to all

A Reply to a question not asked yet.

Well not directly atleast.

As usual i Havnt had a conversation the heart to hearts that keep u going for a long time , for a matter of fact not event the barely decent ones. But then does everything need to be said or spoken , or for that matter of fact conveyed.

I guess the best way to deal with it is in written , and even though we try to be discrete and well matterof fact, things just come out. How heavily the disillusionment has broken u, how quick its come to an end. What good has come out of it and whats left behind.

Its kind of sad to seem men and women break into these fragile beings , untrusting and unconcious , half dead at times , because of living with too much fear. Animals but not in herds alone oh so alone, waiting looking hoping and then realising that its not worth realising. Thats what its all about isnt it.

Oh what great spirits , well not quite broken not at the surface atleast , you think that they would survive and then you realise that you were wrong , the surface might have just gotten scratched but inside the pains intense. When will it be over this pain , this loneliness.

Iv already met too many people who are in this state specially in recent times. I have seen too many breakoffs . and all have surviveds with pain in the heart , and for some in the butt.

I am not to sure about myself anymore about my loyalties and my ability to love but then one thing im sure off i am not afraid of it , of the pain and whatever it causes .

I feel some are not ment to exist in harmony but then that one moment could be a life time couldnt it. But then there could be somany moment that we pass through .

I still feel though that love should be like a Rock , immovable , undestructable anwell unperishable.

resilience

Crazy rush the past few days , with the Stupid T20s going on sleeping is a thing of the past. Yes there are still a few fans left , im not one of them im just stupidly addicted to cricket in general. I mean i remember even bloody watching the county matches. Anyways life continues and we battle it out like tru gladiators, the misdirected Auto , the completely hillarious insult, and in the middle of it all we play with Lacks and Lacks of money. You suddenly realise that when u end up giving discounts worth 92000 , man what a rush . To tell yopu the truth u feel like a choot but then i guess thats a part of it.

Lifes good otherwise filled with nothingness as usual but then the hopes there that one fine day i will wake and then ill have this golden path in front of me , which ill not miss.

I have been having this crazy conversation with my self about the resiliance of the Huiman Body as mine falls apart , maybe it wsa the human spirit which again is another story altogeather. Anyways this is a breif on what i think , we are so bloody adaptive i mean be ait a sardar living in Kerela or a mallu living o nthe moon which is very possible , well why go so far lets take me for an example a himachili living in Hyderabad , Ok agreed almost a metropolitan city but man u can see it so much not when ur here , i mean still the breakfast you get of the roads not wada pao or omelet bread , its plain wada and dosa adn idly and so on and so forth. And no matter how much they try to call it the Fulkas , chapatis and all of that end up having some strange oil on it. And then theres the culture pretty right in itself but i suddenly realised how different when i saw the shock o nthe face of a colleague when i winked at her. Man talk about it. And man talk about the attitude, i mean that of a simple bandi wala ( roadside shop on wheels) to bloody AVP of big software companies man its bloody uncouth ud think, but then slowly it sinks in thats the nawabi that the nawabs left behind. I mean in recent days iv had more threats of kidnappping than at any other time in my life. And people lie all the time pathalogical I think.

and yet im surviving , and theres no problem. The Biryanis wonderful, the Idlis might not be great but then the wadas and Mysore bhajjis are not bad, the culture might be different but yet it is nice at some level i mean when you go to someones house or just the simple conversations you have. The JNawabis left but then so is their Hospitality, and well some of them are really genuine. As for lies isnt it every where nowadays and how does it really matter if the other guiys slightly dellusional, atleast he has the balls to show it while he retains his sanity.

And thats how it goes no matter where we are we survive in fact we even thrive , thats the beauty of it all isnt it.

Just some gyaan

Well havent i been writing a lot in the recent past man its like these ideas flowing through my brain , agreed most of these have been stupid complaning and moaning .

If i was to criticize my own blog id say its bloody repitative and there seem to be these favourite words of mine which i just kep on repeating. Basically this whole activity began as a release for my creative energy , which now seems to have exhausted, so though im dry i still continue , hoping id produce magic one day .

Well i guess today might not be the day , but then thats human spirit isnt it never to give up to go through it all and to live to tell the tale.

I had this interesting conversation well a morsel of it in my starved solitary life with this girl in Hospital Admin , shes a fresher maybe bout 4 months in work and well she reminded me so much of wat it was like to be there at that time. Well its ajust a different me in a different time zone and tomorrow there would be another me in another time.

People say i have grown and i dont mean just in dimensional measures , but rather matured after this stint of mine , i think iv become more morose and less lively . I perceive the change but what drives the change is something that i havnt yet caught onto . And yet there are those who dont change at alll ( HAHAHAHA) I dont think theres anyopne like that actually i think alll of us chnge over periods and well its strange how things get slotted by themselves into the good the bad and the ugly .

Innocence

Lost in wilderness the days of yesterday , forgotten, forgiven , forsaken, damned and doomed to a today to a tomorrow, filled with sorrow.Yet we live on in innocence so pure that nothing will and could hatrm us u and me a one that will be like that forever and ever.This is an incomplete post it will be completed the day i am complete....

Feel my heart it's ever bleeding,through spear and thorns...I gave you pardon...Won't you take my hand..And hold it, as we fly away...I will be there if you called me now...I will run 'til I could run no more...I will hold you and renew your innocence...Won't you take My Love...And forever you will live again...Tell me, can you hear? the melody is in the air around me, showing me the only way...Tell me, if i go...Will you cry for me? But now I'm hungry for your love...tell me,Your face up in my mind...Who says that "love is blind"? your beauty caught me unaware...your smile carries me away...This lovely place reminds me of the first time I saw you...Take my hand and you will never repent...I'll take you to places never seen before...Dreams and reality can be together...life is too short, we can't wasted our time... I'm losing my mind....you make me loose my innocence... it was loving me...it was touching me... it was hurting me...And the future will say...I held you in my heart from days of paradise...you're my first thing every morning...Electrifying female...Take my hand...you make me loose my innocence.

People Places, Life what a blurr

Dont you feel sometimes your driving down this Highway real fast and the breaks dont really work , no matter whats new no matter whats happening you just pass through it all and all thats left is a blurr.

I rember the people i use to see , i remember them in small ways , things which just hit you once in a while . A smoke with a friend under the local tree with the freindly neighbourhood mutt wathing you as you blow smoke rings . Insane conversations and at times comfortable silences . Confessions and degressions , pure love and even purer hatered. man those were the good old days , when you actually stopped and saw the world.

It seems to be something out of the past , something that i still am aware off , everything else is a blurr. The past two and half years , maybe a bit before that or maybe my complete life there are only these small memmories which piece it all togeather .

Maybe its something particular to me , for example i know of many who know things in complete immaculate detail, as for me i just know it was done , how and when and where , with whom some questions that i dont really have answers too.

Maybe it was not that importan, mayb it wont be that importan, but then at some level i feel History is imoportant even if its filled with just minorities. I mean atleast it lets you know where you coming from.

I mean yes there was Manipal and ther was Mumbai , but then the freshness of it is not as strong as it should be. Was it not that important for me , am i still waiting for that most memorable event to happen .

Man a little confused here, people acan just rattle off thesestories from their past , these memories of when they were kids , i cant remember all of those . The blurr returns adn nothing really matters .

Can you actually beleive this living in the moment and well the pasts a complete blurr of pfaces places and nothingness.

A hundred years

A hunder years and something longer, i dont quite remember the song but thats what is humming in my head , and thats how faraway i have been from this site. Walking in illusions in a dellusionally warped world where nothing is as it appears to be and nothing really is anything . Talk about abstract mann aint i the king.

I was pulled towards writing in fact i did write something on the misery of the world , another bomblast and life resumes as it is , as itn was always meant to be. When i think bout it it is that way though individually we may get broken down but as a whole humans are pretty resilient no wonder we rule the world , or atleast thats what we think.

Anyways, what all has passsed in the period that is now a blurr, well i guess ill put in the things that i wanted to write at some level at some time , a fragile relationship becoming even more delicate , freindship i loose faith in you every day , infedility breaks in and takes over all the troops and they laugh about it and justify it all the same forgetting what is meant to be . Sitting there and wondering how the next generations going down the drain and well never really realising how low we have become. A patient riding on the wagon of trust till hes kicked off because ur back hurts from having bent over backwards. A last attemp at reconciling with god , with faith , reistablishing a trust in a relationship and you learn you knew it better before. Some more questions , some more answers , and the days done

So here we start a new with boosted egos which swell up like boils at every little insult. Bruised and hurting and we dont even realise if we hadnt fed it so much, it wouldnt have been such an easy target to hit

So thats a lesson learnt my friend and something to be remembered, till we meet again , oh hell what what i writing bout this amnesias killing me .

The trip

Vacation time, a time to let the hair down, and breath the clean air. .I don’t quite know the expression you use for people who are bald. Anyways., I just did that and well am glad that I finally did.

Ill get into details now, but before I do that I guess I have to tell how it all began. Life was tiring, I was surrounded by people who were negative, cheating, lying and crying most of the time and that’s I guess what was getting to me.

Work was the only release and that too had become tainted with a taste of repetitiveness’. It was surely time to break or to move and I decided id move on.


Me and this stinky friend of mine decided that we would vacation together, now that I think about it I dint even realize it but if she wasn’t involved I might not have done it al all. Well but then maybe I would have cos I was really getting suffocated. Anyways so after a planning of god knows how many days, in which I think we changed over a million destinations it was finally decided.

Manipal is a beautiful little town, just slightly more than a village actually, situated in South Canara area of Karnataka, it’s an educational Hub and probably not very interesting for people who were not from there or who have not studied there at some time in life. But then I have, and so we went.

It took a 24 hrs bus journey just to reach there, level of motivation talk bout it. Never realized how tired I was and the journey was a blur of places, faces and a lot of sleep. The journey though had immense scenic beauty, specially raichur such a dirty town but such an interesting Bus stop I mean it was like a bloody castle with a moat and all, that too on a hill. It was beautiful with these really pretty kid Beggars, I remember them cos they were making a lot of noise and man were they persistent, I think if I had stayed there for long I probably would have had to join them.

I also met a dude on the Bus studying his final year engineering, and I tried to act all hep and cool, soon I realized probably I was making a fool of myself, so I stopped pretending and he was good. I saw his energy, his youth, not that I was older, but manipal was his present and my past, and it was scary. We made some insipid lukewarm conversation about soccer and the places I needed to visit. I think he was just being kind to the old fuddy, but I was grateful, things had changed and he prepared me for them.

I reached Manipal, but then by that time my destination had changed, well not by much just an Hour and a Half, it was Mangalore. The land of the Mallu friend, lol. Anoops this funny creature, brilliant most times, fundoo totally, Funny completely but cold in a similar fashion at times, I guess he’s very logical , or rather driven by logic. And at some level I feel all those things, which are very logic driven, are a bit strange and non-emotional. Well it’s probably like even if he cared he’d never show and most times hed not really care.

And then of course Stinky, Anoop and me went for this trip , in the luxurious lap of a hired taxi and the first thing I could think of was that we were tough when we were kids . I thought we had grown old yet once again, but it wasn’t really scary, we smoked up and flew a bit, it was all alright most of the time, the places had this rustic beauty, that really at first stung the eye, but then in bits and moments took your breath away, I would call it momentary beauty something that would not last something that would not enchant you for more than a minute but that one minute that it caught you it gave you all. Its difficult to explain how I felt ( I was under the influence of stuff that time so these thoughts might have been slightly distorted).

The conversations were really weird to begin with I think they are most of the times if I meet someone after a real long time, but then by the evening they had gotten better, and by that time Anoop my favouratest friend in First year of PG looked and sounded like the old days it was time to leave.

Anyways the night was dark, and well unconscious, the morning a goodbye and the bus journey again a glance through heaven, it was strange I mean the place is so green and beautiful, it looks like all this trees and grass and u can almost see yourself sitting on it and looking at the river, beach, sun. However though it’s aesthetically pleasing, probably if you sat on it functionally it would be a complete pain in the ass.

Anyway Manipal here we come, and finally that’s where we came. If I was to build a story that’s exactly how it would be, however there’s so much to be written on this and I cant at present so I guess ill spend the last hour of tomorrow in this futile exercise.

Its been more then just a few yesterdays, and life’s back to a blur but this needs to be completed cos its very important for me to complete it.

And so I arrive back in the land of golden years Manipal , a little perspective now, the last time I was there I was this young stallion just out of school facing the world for the first time, fortified against all ill and evil and well willing too woo everything in sight, well and it lasted for a bit too. Man was it fun. Anyways so here was manipal a different town now, like a beautiful lady who with age hides her spots with Makeup. But she was still pretty and well it was a new romance, or rather it would have been except I didn’t get enough time with her, it was rushed and actually I think I hated it the most not being able to stay on in Manipal , and living the past once again in a different color.

Anyways Manipal is also a home of one of my good friends Mr. Ranganath, and we were in manipal together at one time in life,. With me almost married and he a stark bachelor. I guess life has this funny gimmicks lined up for us and in the end I was there as a bachelor and he a married man with a kid and all. Anyways Manipal is a beautiful town and well some of the changes that are there now making it even look better. The football field is something else its like a part cut out on a plateau and is green , the grass is beautiful both aesthetic and functional there. Anyways its like a field been cut out in the sky . Anyways it was nice to see and to learn from the Simple things in life.

From there straight to Turtle Bay with a well heavy heart for me atleast, turtle bay is the beach in my most famous bday story, but when it rains it rains and well no beach is really worth it specially when it rains. So there we were luckily with our bit of alcohol, a heady mix, the night was beautiful, but actually I think it was a night out of a horror movie, I mean more haunted than beautiful, no moon in the sky, no light, yet the waves the repetitive waves, so enchanting and Hypnotizing. I think the night was dark.

Anyways the Morning was better and then there was Manipal , and then Manglore and finally Banglore. Banglore is this city, which as soon as I enter it brings peace to me. I don’t really know why maybe cos its almost like home, in terms of my cousins Hospitality, but maybe cos I have always had a good time there. Stinks was the best there at home and then the Tea Place, though a bit pushy shes become that I guess at some level all the Gals staying in big towns and working become like that, or maybe its just the working part and nothing to do with the gendre. Anyways the tea and breakfast was delicious, and the Book store even better , I think even if I would have asked for god in that store they would have gotten him for me, well I couldn’t have borne that price anyways. A trushed meeting with a feew people that I didn’t know but really ewanted to know , but couldn’t really know , and the flight back.

So here we are in the world of the living dead yet once again living the life we have always wanted the Indian dream of Freedom, the Indian Dream of Independence, Momma im coming home…………. .

The days gone

This is a Habit thats for sure , the days come to an end and i feel compelled to write once again. The days been a normal day with productivity and well unproductivity mixed in a package called me. Well the day began at a frenetic pace with lots of work to be done and in the middle somewhere the impetus was lost and i fell into the dregery of daily routine uncreative junk,. From which ofcourse i ran away in the middle to my cigaretes and tea.

By the end of it for some strange reason the satisfaction of having completed the days work is not complete. But well i feel the need for the rest.

The desire everyday to do something new, out of the box , out of routine rises in me, awakened severelly from its slumber. The beast tries to break out in every move in every bit, yet somewhetre it gets thwarted by the well oldness of the activity. And whatever begins as an adventure looses its sheen a bit too soon.

Its strange what happens to one over a period of time. i mean i was remembering the old days of Hyderabad , not that something new was happening everyday , but for some strange reason there were things which were still to be done, but now i guess at some level most of them have been done and no experience wahtsoever has stimulated me into repitition.

The work goes on and thats the only sector where i find novelty , but then sometimes i think what next, the questions is forever there. What next. And the answer are well chores which are fitted into the schedule to satisfy the need for work, not novelty.

I also wonder at times if everyone around me goes through the same motion, i mean there are alot of new things which i do but they are similar to the ones done before, I guess its a guestion of perception yet once again. And man is my perception screwed , i would be probably require prescrition glasses in terms of Vision and farsight. Lol

Stupid laughing at my own cracks i always enjoyed that . So looking forward to what needs to be done and whats in store for me tomorrow i sign off. Good night.

Writing seems to me as the most self indulgent exercise that one can experience, its that sense of relief that one feels after penning down thoughts, ideas , images, concepts , general nonsensical information, that draws me to this platform again and again.

Its quite strange how every time i think of writing i have absolutely nothing to say yet i end up writing so much without really saying anything. That's for well me to understand and work out.
At present i write in an atmosphere of enormous cheer in a language which i don't really understand and i think towards which I'm developing a negative prejudice.

Prejudice, who would have ever thought id develop those . I in general maybe through my initial envt have always been a guy with a very high tolerance for others thoughts , religions , languages. But as i pass through this strange journey every lil event seems to leave its footstep on me. Its kinda strange how we walk through life and life leaves a mark on us well and some of us leave a mark on the world. Now that's another thing that ill come to later, but anyways we collect our minor experiences, and allow it to penetrate within us to leave a mark which is not really visible. And then you wake up one day and u see that u rnt the same person you were a month ago.

What really happened, some part of you blocks it out , but you know you have changed and then your colleagues , family, acquaintances also realise it. And then its a whole new story, you try to live in the same social boundaries in the same social bonds but with a completely different tuning. I guess you could compare it to riding a bike tuned for the hills in the planes, immense power but which results in inefficiency, or vicaversa, too much of restriction leading to decreased effectively. So all it requires is an attitude adjust meant , no that's already happened it needs a relationship adjustment and if both parties don't realises the importance of this the relation strains and finally falls apart into a thing that could have been.

Sad enough i have done this before , cos i have never really seen the importance of social bonding, i have walked through life with a lot of friends and acquaintances but very few that i have valued. And the ones that were not important their loss was not really a grief to me . It was with surgical excellence that i have dissected and thrown away these parts of me into the pathways of the past.

So i walk into the future as i was meant to, alone. But then once in a while ghosts from the past , those who were almost there come back and haunt me, and the pain i feel is extreme. Its not everyday but they do come once in a while.

In fact i think my social sieve is quite fine cos by the end of it all i have collected is very lil, i wonder when its all over what i will hold in my hand a question which doesn't really bother me , i ask this at present with the mind of a scientist , curiosity being the main emotion behind it all nothing else. I wonder how It will be.

There was a time when future was a dream in a million colors but now its well a blank thing, i think this might be temporary , but lets see how long this lasts. At present if i think of the future there is no place that i see myself, i cant really explain that at present the day i can i will .

bye

Conversations

Iv been existing alone for a bit to long i think , i have now forgotten the art of communication , the pleasure in a conversation,seems to have dwindelled, died a neverending death. Perceeded by an acute sense of anxiety received in a calm existence. The Calm however is an event in itself , a moment in time which froze but now has passed , all that exists now is a feeling of loss of grief.

Unknown , unheard i have existed surrounded yet so alone, it seems like an eternity now, yet its been just days. The same conversations with the same people. The anatomy of guilt , the depths of sorrow, the screams of abuse , i hear them i recognise them and then we laugh it off. To move on to the next day a repition of the same once again. I miss the days of joy , i miss them .

An intelligent conversation, an argument with a meaning behind it , where have they gone. All that is left behind is skeletons, or rather wannabe conversations which never quite reach where they are meant to go, the faulicy most probably lies within me but i miss that juicy morsel of intellect, that i chewd on once. Now all i chew on id dried grass and that to a carnivore my friend is death itself.

The conversations somehow seem to have just flown out of my life, i mean maybe there were complete nonsensicle moments in life but then they too are not around,. In a city of dullards i turn dull, moronic scared and they seem so receptive of it.

Gradually i see a detoriation, in spirits in the self in everything and all we can talk about by the end of it is buiseness, about broken relationships , bout how we are growing old , man where is it all .

i doubt its just conversations , but rather its the spirit of living which is dying itself . So i shut myself from these conversations, from these meaningless morsels of nothingness. Well actually iv shut myself from them a long time ago , i think i need to move o to a different place or rather a different level, but theres a feeling of helplessness which creeps in,. Lethargy or rather inertia of chhange of living a different like. i lived and then existed and now the transition back to living seems to be so difficult.

What was it that we use to talk about , to tell you the truth i cant even remember that , what made those conversations worthwile, what put life into them i dont remember. Its like amnesia , its scary when you know your loosing something but wat exactly you cant remember , you know its important to you but yet you cant put your hand on what it ois and all you can generalise it to is conversations.

Strange theory

Im writing from the office once again after a real long time , it feels like ages since i last sat free in the office, im not really free but its one of those days , when i dont feel like working , but well im forced to work for these tit bits and the whole days gone by the end of it.


Anyways thats another story , in recent days i have become even more empty than before, the cause of the emptiness this void is unknown, but ift just feels like, here i am on the road again , here i am up on the stage. Here i go being a star again here i go turn the page. Well for some strange reason this song always resounds within me when that feeling comes. I remember the days in Mumbai, when TISS was over and we were out in the real world, it was so similar , i was so lost there was new work new excitement however there was the void, to big to be ignored and it made itself felt specially in the nights when i use to roam the streets with this song ringing ion my head.

Its kinda strange how every song is associted with some memory or the other with a certain emotion , its something that we felt the first time we listened to it or rather at times its the nth hearing where we heard the song in one particular mood and the song got branded in our conciousness and associated with that kind of emotion. Pretty heavy stuff hugh.

For example whenever i feel hurt by a woman or rather miss a woman the song that rings in my head is Dazed and Confused for so long its not true. And well i guess when i have no cares probably it would be nothing else matters , though i cant really remember the last time i hummed that song, its been longn since i have been care free i guess,. I use to sing it so much at one time.

Another one of my happy songs was My gal my gal where did u sleep last night. Wow man this is a good journey, i mean my gal my gal is not even a happy song but ti makes me happy.

Strange isnt it

Anyways enough of this ill blog in the night probably

meanderings once again

Sometimes you decide youv had enough somethimes you decide that its just a phase, sometimes you give up and sometimes you just hold on, what tells you what needs to be done when it needs to be done , how it needs to be done.

What happens to a man when he is is isolated, if the solitude is complete does it lead to lunacy, what happens when a man shuts all his doors to family, to friends to enemies,. What happens when a man decides he wants his peace does he go crazy . What happens when a man says he wont participate in this race , he wont let it effect him.

Meanderings of a social experiment, trapped in this body this soul sickens away , trapped no more freedom, whats that , how do u attain it. Isnt everyone free at some level.

Past a rosey picture no matter how bad it was it always seems better then the present for some strange reason, we have a habit of hanging on to what has been and never to what is.

Experience , is it just breezing through life, is it wat we learn through our interactions, is it some sort of knowledge or is it a feeling a peresent , the fullness of it, its completeness, its totality.

Totality a question in itself , we search for it , the full circle we live it the full life , but why not the moment isnt it complete in itself. Im just asking questions here not necessary that i know the answers to them all.

Patience , to wait , to hold on to be , to suffer, to enjoy , to live. Something that is short in stock, every one seems to be running out of it in this race towards glory.

Peace tate a life a moment and yet complete, a wholeness for that little time that peace exists.

Restlessness/ anxiety , a state of preperation to find that eternal peace.

Lunacy a difference in opinion, the thirst for answers, the strenghth to say ur not in the same race as every one and to believe it too. hahahah

Meandering - what the mind does when it is isolated, what the mind does when it is permited , the endless search for the endless answers , Id call it a knowledge building exercise.

Love ---------- id let that one be today

Work - what one does not want to do, well i guess thats wat mark twain said , well not in those exact words , but his definition of work and play is amaizing, in reality work and play are both synonymous its just a difference in our perception. But then sometimes u dont even feel like playing

Numbness - a complete lack of feeling, emotion, pain, hatered , love , anger, a vegetative state , strange enough however it can be caused by any of the above mentioned emotions. A state which could lead to meanderings , search for spirituality and the rest of the gamut.

Faith - a fools excuse for doin the wrong things, just kidding. it could be that but its so much more. I guess its the internal fuel that pushes you to achieve somethings and at the same times stops you from doing other things.

Imagination - what creates the colors of life, the product of all the meanderings and thought processes, the picture of relity before it turns into one.

Excess - what this last post is, too much said to much done time out for now, till we start playing again

Basket ball - couldnt help this one , a game, a passion a life , miss it man

The lone wolf

the wolfs out tonite, roaming in the streets, its rare , usually its tamed but today its out, rabied and hurt, lost howling at the moon, gnashing everything on its way.

Hes out there tonite be carefull , he could kill u with a strike , he could bite you and take ur innards out. The ability to recognise to register his own does not exist anymore. The differentiator between right and wrong the soldier called morality are all tonite , killed eaten slain and the wolfs on the prowl, through the dark night .

Alone the lone wolf , hurt and angry at the world, for makint it wat it is , for doing what it has, for making him insane. Confused he searches searches for what he desires , the blood drips from his mouth , the taste of human flesh seems beautifull. he wants to go to his cave but hes surrounded , its either them or him and he has the will to survive, today he destroys today he kills, be carefull for its ur life or his,.


Kill him they shout in the streets this bearer of evil, vile he is destroy him, he runs through the streets for his life, he wants his cave , will he survive.

Tomorrow might be a brighter day , but tonite its cold outside , its freezing with raging death its so peacefull here tonite.


I want a part of this misery , i am a part of it all , tonite i lie in bed dying and howling at the moon. The lunatic is out agin hes hiding in the greass the lunatic is out again looking for his soul.

holes in the fabric of my soul

The desire to live is still there though i gave up a moment ago , i always give up too easily but maybe i never found wat i was looking for, so i search till etrnity in the forests of solitude.

I havent given up on anything. Ripped apart by desire by want , by faith by god , held by nothing but rubberband ready to snap anytime, given away to the pleasures of the body and the mind. Wat about the soul.

Crazy spaces , insane places , gaps left in the fabric of my soul , holes left behind, moth eatend gaping painfull wounds, I live with it all, every day every night , enduring pain and finding joy in the spaces places left empty now.

They were filled once , briming with hope, i wonder where they have gone, but i live on to fill them one day with sunshine , sea, mountain, forests , with the everything and all .

The hopes still there and so is the awareness , of every breath and its pureness. i fill my lungs with smoke to remember those days of past, every thing a memory im scared of loosing it all. Memories fade and so will these would u really live on, or will i be lost in the mist , insipid , lukewarm existence.

Electrifying lady i need a conversation, thats all that i want , desire fire everything burning , hurting , crying Laughing. All pretence everyting fake i cant differentiate right now wat is real and wat are the illusions

ill rise one day like the phoenix to conquor what is mine , that day would be the day when i settle my score withGod/Lucifer

Read no more for i pour once again in riddles , i hope one day someone understands what all this stands for , till then i wait with crazy holes in the fabric of my soul.

Black Friday

Well i just thought id write something in , after so many days being in hyderabad i guess i saw one of the first glimpses of unrest atleast something that affected me at some level. There was a bomb blast and to tell u the truth i haven't really thought bout wat happened in it or what happened after it till now. Like i mostly do i have blocked it out.

Now to begin with , i must mention that in this whole deal i was not affected neither was anyone that i knew personally. The bomb as u must be knowing if uv watched the news that is , went off in a mosque, there were three more luckily they didn't go off otherwise there would have been hell, it was during the time of the evening namaz, wat perfect choice. bloody bastards. 5 got killed atleast i think and well the rest were shot down by our police , i wonder if they are there to protect us or kill us.

Well i could never understand communal violence , iv never faced it, iv never been a part of it iv never thought bout it, about religion about cast, yes colour i have thought bout , well atleast when i was young i was always attracted towards the fairer girls, but well over a period of time even that preference has faded away to where i think black too is pretty sexy. So in a world like that where i exist i could not understand what had happened, to me it was a bomb blast , like in mumbai trains, like the time we were there in mumbai , and well that time Mr Yesudian had forced us to go for a class this time id didn't even matter. I agree im from tiss and being around so many social workers i should understand it, but well its not really happened. To me at some level the world itself exists as a happy big family.

So it was a bomb blast like any normal bomb blasts, im talking as if i see one every day. I don't like violence and could never understand how someone would stoop to that level to kill ppl they don't even know, not for revenge , for well some other causes, maybe indirect blind anger. What followed was understood, it was an angered mob leaving their brains behind acting on complete emotions stoning the police and well i don't think the only resort that the police was left with was to shoot a few ppl down , but then this is hyderabad , the traffic sucks and every ones angry and everyone boastful, so maybe it was some private personal pleasure to tell others they had shot three in the mob. But thats wat exactly happened , i sometimes wonder if the police were trying to match the casualties from the bomb.

Till now pure violence , i have seen this before atleast the killings and the bombings, but then the place being a masjid was sure to hurt the Islamic sentiments. And the tension grew. Now rather than moaning a loss ppl were looking to get even. They were out in the streets , wat seemed like a nice sunny morning turned out to be a black evening, with mobs flinching other mobs. Shops were forced to close down if not by fear then by force, wat loss to the economy, a days dealing was reduces to pittance for the whole of hyderabad, a few news of ppl being shot , killed were common , how many of this were true im not to sure , but the evening was turning dark and fear was rising. Iv never had lunch in a closed restaurant , with its shutters down , in fear of wat a mob can do to it, this was my first experience of that too, and well id say its nice if u like it being quiet.

Fighting over religion, my office boys telling me how they join in on religious gangs beating the crap out of the other , breaking bones with no fear, being broken with no fear all it takes is a call from the religious leaders of that area , or the political ones. All this nonchalantly , with no excitement nor pain, they have all become weapons in the hands of ppl creating unrest, they are the means to an end which will not end unless a whole religion is eradicated , maybe by the end of it every one will kill everyone and there would be nothing left , nothing sacred atleast .

What goes behind it i dont know , it was the first time i saw a guy for his religion, i mean with the tag of his religion, it was the first time that i noticed a namaaz ka topi on someones head, the boy was quiet , probably looking for a meal like we were in the taunt streets. Looking at every corner with eyes aghast for signs of violence , probably not different from me. But i noticed the cap, and then there was lunch well nothing else was more important. That one moment in which i was being served in a cafe and he was there with me , sitting on a different table eating his meal , like i was , everything became normal, the silence belonged, and i believed once again. My lil world still exists , maybe till I get killed id think about it like that.


Religion is one of those things that are individual choices , atleast i believe that , and you can be of any religion that u want to be, the focus here is not on religious affiliations but rather god, pray to him the way u want to , take wat u like from him, but be with people u like and respect their choices.

Boys will be Boys

I know this is what most women would say to me when i do one of those silly things that gets joy to my life. But then i guess somewhere its true after all u cant expect them to turn into womenfolk do u .

Well it all began as most of our free time begins we decide its a nice sunday morning and the best thing to do is to go have some real nice brunch with Vodka included in it ofcourse. When we had completed our lunatic fun of drinkin as much vodka as possible in the afternoon itself well it opened a whole new arena of fun for the evening. So after dealing with all our hangovers with lime juices and well naps we were ready again for some action. And it was orgasmic.

I just spent a day at well the tracks, Gocarting , and well it was pure clean need for speed kinda fun .This for the people who dont know was my first time at the tracks and the first question that came to me mind was that lil thing is too small for my body to fit into well i managed and did i have fun. So after buying tickets we had to wait for an eternity , i mean one and a half hour seems like eternity, but the place was so damn crowded with the sunday rush.

So what do we do, well wat all the fun lovin guys do, we go play war games shootin at each other with laser guns , it felt good , i guess appeals to the primitive hunter in all men . Stratergy , rolling in the mud, hiding behind tiers , barrels well just bout anything , and all this while being shot at and shooting at the enemy. Oh my lord can it be any better. We won , yes we did , we were too gud for them , their first guy lost all his nine lives ( I guues they thought we were cats) before our team even lost a life , man we bashed them , really dug them into the ground, it was fun.

So after roamin bout looking at some nice women we still have to wait on the sidelines for our turns. looking at guys wizz pass u , bang into stacks of tiers is a bit intimidating at first but then u get into their synch and well u feel the track with them . Finally after abusing the guy at the gate and really pestering some other folks we finally are in, oh the rush. I sit the jackets a bit small the helmet seems a bit alien. I press down on the accelerator and there she moves, with a wild jolt , the wheels a bit jerky , i think i can feel every bloody jolt off the track. The steering is a bit rough its lke riding a colt , with a temprament. Not a stalllion yet but u can feel the raw power . I take my first turn the handelling is not smooth, the brakes are a bit hard , the second turn ok im gettin the hang of this a bit, as i move the speed begins to pick up, this baby has some power to it. Then i tuirn oh man being low to the ground really keeps u steady on the turn, and then i wizz past the first guy , the manouverings better, iv gotten it the rest of it is a rush the screamin tires, the breaks, the skids and screeches on the turns , beautifull its like a dream its an addiction.

Its orgasmic, the rides over the babies treated u well and well ur spent, but ready to be coaxed into her arms once again and again and again. Till every bit of u is drained out, But i saved it for the next time when the passion will be high and the tires burnin.

So like boys once again we jump out of the cars a bit rattled all excited, its back to the beer again , but well the conversations all bout the ride bout the speed , the desire still burns and we for sure will return to conquer ourselves and to be wooed once again after all Boys will be Boys.

Self Analysis

Hello im sitting here writing this down with a million thoughts a million dreams, Its the word of multi tasking and so we do it , so i pretend to work, chat with a friend, think , sleep , and write this blog all at the same time .

No wonder none of this is working. I can’t sleep though im sleepy, i cant even pretend to work, i cant think and well the chats come to a complete standstill.
Its strange how we exist in this multilevel parallel universes, well if i existed in all those different parallel worlds doing those multiple things, i think id end up doing them pretty well, but since i don’t really believe in the concept of Parallel Universes, well it gets a bit muddled.

I guess it all depends on your perception, which of course depends on so many other things, which i don’t really feel like going into.

Anyways i have come to one conclusion over my past two years of existence in the real world, well the first one I don’t really like it the second I don’t really care. Ok just kidding, well iv realized that Hyd is not really the place where i belong and it wont be my final destination, another thing i have learnt over this small period of time is that alone is a state of existence that one can bear only for a limited period of time and i think well that expiry date for me is coming close. So this is to my friends shift close by man so that we can have a decent conversation. Another thing that i have realized is that I cant have too much of a good thing for too long , i get bored , which means that I need to be surrounded by a plethora of multicultural, multi level , multiple frequency ppl so that i can keep my self entertained, and as I am a slightly introvertish fellow atleast a slow beginner , it means that my state of boredom is final and well will remain , of course unless I meet some person with MPD ( Multiple Personality Disorder for the uninitiated) , well that is an interesting thought .
Ok so I think this blog is extending a bit longer than expected so we will end this session here you can always join me in well self analysis by well me.

Things that make me smile

"Our laughs and our cries
the restaurants we liked
the bus no 6 journies
and fights in the moonlight.

Smiles and hugs in the morning
the jives in the break
dozing in financial management
and the passing of chits.

Mathani’s extra lectures
collection of notes
photocopying and printing
of which we never seemed to see the end off!

The basketball and badminton
walks to the bhurji shop behind.
cigarettes and alcohol
and the dh disco nights.

Trains and rickshaws
salwars and saris
field work and bomb scares
and report writing sprees.

Our talks and our walks
our building castles in the air
our laughs, fights and cries
the bonds that hold us together

all our tiss memories
of our once upon a time life.


This is dedicated to people I miss from tiss....people I've come to call close friends...... people who are close to my heart.........people from whom I've learnt.........people I've shared so many memories with that will always remain etched in my mind and these are Shashwat, Keren, Neeti, Pinky, Natasha, Khalid, Vanessa, Tanvi, Mandira, Neha, Laxmi, Arpana, Vrinda."

This was written by a friend , a pretty close friend as insane as me if not more . It made me smile first then maybe a bit numb . I miss that for sure but we have moved on, the memmories remain ofcourse and they will till we turn to dust. This is to those memmories that i cherish , those moments which can always make me smile.



Thank you

I write once again

Yes I write once again, it seems after eternity , maybe not, I got a bloody net connection at home and well I thought id be flowing . Its not happened.

Actually im discontent , with life, with friends and well the only thing which keeps me alive is the work. And I wonder how long that’s gonna last. It’s happened before I mean the discontent.

I wonder if that’s the story of every one else too . But then how does it matter. All im concerned bout is me and somehow I cant find a solution, maybe I looked too hard maybe I didn’t search enough.

People say I have become blunt, I think I have too, but to tell you the truth I don’t even remember what I was like.

Soul searching, when does one search for his soul for his faith , well if I go by Maslows Hierarchy it would be a long time away. But then I think im looking for something, im looking for my faith, my belief my Love.

Does it really work like that, can such a thing be generalised into such simple steps a stupid pyramid.

Thoughts come to me like butterflies and all I do is push them away, I don’t really want to face it anymore I don’t want to think, where the peace is. I wish I was dead for a bit, I mean un alive, unresponsive non thinking everything shut down just for a bit.

Please note im not searching for the truth I know where it is I just want some time to find it , and I know that my responsibilities don’t allow me to be where I want to be to do what I want to do.

Shit man spilled some beer, do u have some answers, if you have keep them to yourself cos I think I need to search my own answers. Proud as ever you know me.

Its interesting you know I was almost broken, well I survived. I think I did , but then the scars remain and yes it does hurt once in a while its hurting today. The numbness turns to pain and for the first time I feel alive.

Shes back and i live again

Ohh man this is exciting if nothing else, she has returned she was here , a glimpse, a peek, a scent , and its spinnin me inside out didnt know that would still happen didnt know that could still happen.

Happy Bhirthday

Happy Birthday my love I know its been a long time , and i know its late , but then i thought i could do without wishing you, I guess somethings are just not meant to be like me not wishing you.


I seem to have managed to block you for quite some time, in thought in action in everything . I guess deep inside i realise that even this struggle with my self to block you is in a way a reminder of you. I think i dont mind it , in fact i would say i do love it.

So heres to you wish you all that you want all that you need all that you desire.

Sweet Memmories

I feel hurt and well i think i deservrd it a quick bite out of me to bring my ego to its orignal size, which well i agree is still a bit big. I cant help that one thats the way i was born and well couldnt have been any other way i think. Or rather id not have it any other way atleast.

Its a good feeling this feeling of pain , truly speaking no anger is attached with it. Its more pain then anything else. Its fresh, new and well kinda refreshing cos it was not expected, atleast not from the quarters it came from. Oh yea i had a similar experience a few days before but that was a sad one cos it tainted just not a single person but rather the whole concept of friendship. But then it was expected and it wwas not that major. Maybe this is not that major ieither but yes it does sting.

I think its quite important cos it wakes you up and demands of you to reassess where you stand now. Not where you stood in the past nor where u will stand in the future just where u stand at present.

It brings back this awareness of oneself of existence of life of everything thet is involved in it. The most important of them friendship.

Today i take a decision once again maybe this is the only place where i can confess without any inhibitions, i have lost my faith in friendship, in love maybe to some extent in my family ( I think thats a carry forward from the bile that fills me today, pure evil , pure resentment pure dislike).

I think i need to be the most selfish if i have to survive, i think im already that and more.

hi i think this blog has lost some of the anonimity that i sought with such great passion. . But anyway this is to inform all that are interested if any that the posts here might vanish im still in a dillema whether im really up for another blog or not , but then writing on this blog has become one of my addictions. I thnk i need to give up this for the moment. Im not really happy wi h the posts that iv had up for the last few days , i mean the are no brainers and quite miserable, i dont enjoy readin them anymore.I dont really enjoy reading them either. Iv losdt the passion im not sure but i think i just cant wrtie then for a bit.

Iv written for people on my blog, i v writeen about them , iv written about my love iv written about others, i hope i havbe done justice to those whom i wrote for.

Sometimes i wrote hoping that someone would read it, and sometimes hoping that they wouldnt. Sometimes i just wrtote for myself , but that was long time ago now i dont do that and i wanna get it back.

Its gonna be difficult to leave this blog Even the bloody color scheeme is mine i mean i feel an ownership for it. The posts here were well from the heart and thats the way it s been.I think this soundas too much like one of my farewell speeches. Dont worry im not goin im just gonna practice a bit more before i return.

Adios amigos

And I Wonder

Hello i tried clearing some of the mess in my life today , but to tell you the truth it dosent really help i feel even more messed . I tried getting in touch with peope who have to do my work, it didnt work out they all keep me on hold.I guess i have become similar too unless i get calls a few times i dont really move into action either. Strange wat you give out comes back doubled. And i wonder wat have i done.

OK this is just the beginig of another hopeless day actually they are strangely interesting , to be tied down to work but i somehow reach here every day i think it signifies my need to connect even if to the bloody web. Or maybe its the need to be heard. i wonder what i need.

This post too is a strange post it goes very well with the strange alientation that i feel with my emotions , frustrations, love hope and life. I feel as if i was just a passive observer or is it that i wish for that, or is it that i just imagine it. And i wonder.

Im wishing for miracles all the time but stragely eough not being able to make any miracles happen. It was this strange fear that i was so afraid of , and well its almost here. This was wat i wanted never to happen , that feeling of dread rises once in a while specially in the mornings to wake me up, and i get scared. its not a challenge anymore , its a challenge if its your own, but what happens if the ownership is gone before it even belongs to you. That feeling died not because of the monetary reasons but rather because of certain conversations with certain individuals. And I wonder how it could have been


Lifes filled with decisions, decisions to fight on, decisions to give up, decisions to choose a different path, decisions to exist decisions to live and finally the decision to die. And i wonder wat is mine. . .

the blogger community

hello this is going to be a quick one , its really strange how you come across these strange writings, well i guess all it took was from one tag in a blog to the other and this world opened up to me. Each individual as different from the other as probably grains of sand , atat the same time they have some thing in common their individual passions fore their blogs. For what they write , for what they are.

Its real fun to go from different styls some sarcastic , some factual and well some simply boring, i try to skip those ones. Every one here has an opinion a voice i like that, the best part i guess is there is no noise you can always skip that.
Ther are people like me who talk so much but dont really get anywhere , and well there are others who say little but express so much, there are opinions there are views, there are disclaimers and well almost everything. People fighting for issues people just plainly argung its all fun. Andf the best part of it is the h8umor it ios intense even in the darkest moments .

The whole purpose of this blog is to say onething thank you to all those who write and who read.

when i stop asking questions consider me dead

Life they say comes to those who live it , and now i wonder wat comes to those whov lost interest in life. WEll to them comes not really death but i guess this feeling of dissatisfaction or maybe apathy mixed with indifference.

Man learns to adapt. In fact im learning to live here without many people. I think im learning a bit slow, but the initial shock or rather horror slowed me down now that iv begun i think ill get better. There are new shocks on every corner and new horrors, that sometimes makes the insides of your stomach spin to be coughed out in vile vomit. There are nights slept restless or not slept at all, and then there are nights lost in comple tired slumber. To be awakened by nothing to be touched by all.Thats the peace of mind that can be attained or rather the degradation of it all.


This is a strange stage in my metamorphosis , to a butterfly i wonder, or is it going to be a moth, what happens if its a regeression in evolution and i turn into a caterpilar. Well whatever happens will happen and so i move on. Whatever is controlled by me i control, whatever is in their control including me they do. The rebell in me is rising , the fury increasing but will I finally have the guts. One of my friends or raher his professor talked about it that life was kinda all about guts thats the thing that seperates people doing things they wanna do and ppl doing things other ppl want them to do. Well i wonder what ill become , or rather what i am at present too.


Questions and more , but then thats wat life is all about aint it. I said this once well that ud be dead when u stop thinking, askin questions , and a learned or rather a friend whom i considered to be learned had said well u start living when ur mind goes blank. I dont really know which one is true but i think id die when i stop asking questions

Or rather to put it in another way when i stop asking questions consider me dead.

What a day

What a day, how many times have u said this, well if not you then how many times have u heard me say this. Well there are days which are killers , when u come back in the evening the only thing that is on ur mind is BED , well to sleep on u fool.


Ok so what really is the composition of such a day let us examine in detail.

It all started actually in the morning maybe even the night before , a decision to work till I broke my balls, well I think if I sat on that damn bike for any longer I would have lost them for sure.


Ok Ok think like always iv gotten a bit ahead of myself here. So how did it all begin well with the morning sun, u wake up and all you want to do is sleep for a bit more. But then you drag yourself out of bed after about three snoozez on an average id say. Ok so ur up and u gotta bathe, alrite u finally decide to bathe, but the bloody waters so cold u don't really wanna enter, finally u decide that staring at the water wont really warm it up, so u gather ur courage and what happens the bloody loos occupied, so u say ok that's alrite but its occupied by a dude who's singing lewd songs to the tune of his farts. Finally u get to use the loo, that is after u regain conscious from faintin after entering the bloody loo. The waters still cold. With parts of you shriveling up into nothingness, U come out half shivering. Ah the day has begun and ur late but then its just by half an hour that's something manageable u say , specially after livin in India u realize that time is not really that important.

So u reach the office have ur coffee , which is either too strong , too weak, too hot or too cold or in the compatible combinations of the same. Now u realize that you have got everything ready all u have to do is pick them up, u do that and u leave for the field, some 35 km away to be taken on a bike not ridden by u. Well its alrite its morning ur ready to face the world.

Well then suddenly ur boss calls , and asks you are u really gonna reach that impossible target and u say probably not, so the boss tells u well don't worry its just a stupid joke we were playin to make ur life miserable. We never thought it was possible any ways we might as well get it over with and call u to a place where ull be worth something. So u really wonder if that's good or bad, and suddenly u don't really feel like going to the field that u were so enthu about two minutes before. Well shit happens and u still gotta continue.

So before you really realize which one is the sick joke him having sent u here or him having called u,u realize that u have already traveled the 35 km on a hard bike seat with dust in ur face and the worst was that ur mouth was open all the way. So u gargle a bit and say lets work.

That is when it dawns on u that in the hurry to get out u missed out a bit of the info u were suppose to carry with u . Well no probs luckily u have a backup plan . So u visit ur first potential client, he refuses to see you, the second same answer the third hes buisy don't worry u can talk to him later luckily u come out with his contact info, not necessary that he will actually pick up the phone. Well till now three gone well I would say no real success. Well that is the time that u start wondering y u really were born.

Ok so u had three strikes but don't worry the last ball was a foul so u bat on, fourth client , warm reception a little hot too, not bad its getting warmer , that's when he decides that you are the right candidate with the right service, but he doesn't really require your services at present. Well the feeling is confused was that a victory or did u just get spanked on the butt. Well u basically get the drift after about three warm receptions and as many cold ones, and a sad meal in the middle of it you realize that the days over and all that's left to do is to get back . Well but then u have bloody traveled 70 km and u wanna see thatlast client u know its a bit late, but that last shot, u know its ur last shot coz ur energy's sapped, and guess what he cant see u Ur late, bloody bugger.

Then begins ur journey back and once again u let ur mind wanders once again to the conversations in the mornin and you wonder shit i wanna get out of this place , shit i think I just lost the game, shit I wanna fight this battle , and then u realize that that's what you have been doing throughout the day. AAAh wat a trying day, u were fighting the demons u wanted it so badly sad enough the other guys dont really understand it, you might get the project or you might not but u surely wont get it immediately. And that's the time that u ask urself y u were born once again.

So ur finally back the jounrney back home has been tyring, the dust felt thicker the insects bigger as they rammed their crazy bodies into u while ur riding at good speeds. The lights are too bright and the noise too much, you have had your fill. All u wanna do is to reach into that private space inside you, to ur secret world to write to write it all out, and so you come back to office tell them u wanna check some mail, type ur heart out and everything is ready all u gotta do is post it and that is exactly the time the power fails and all ur works blown to bits. And u wonder if god always had such a good sense of humor, how come ur not laughing.

So u call it a day and all u wanna do is hit the bloody BED. WEll dont worry thats when the spirit rises again the spirit to live, to survive to excel, and u get down at the cyber cafe, and a piece like this is born. Not necessarily good but atleast a piece of you. And your ready to fight another day, and take all the jokes they throw at u. You are ready to live again , u are alive.


AAAHHH I am alive I can feel every muscle in my body specially my gluteous maximus, and sitting on this chair hasn't been very great either , but then some days are good and this is one of them. Adios amigos im goin for a cup of coffee.